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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
Janecc · 15/06/2016 17:40

You just bloody say it like it is Bacony. Good post. 👍🏻

Overshoulderbolderholder · 15/06/2016 17:42

Next year I would pre-empt the situation and take control of YOUR families holiday plans. Book a holiday for you, DP and ALL the children, even if it's a long weekend at a holiday camp, break the mould. Who could object to that!?? Well you will find out, all cards on the table. MIL can book a further separate holiday for DP and his offspring at another time if she chooses to, you could even ask her to come too if it would make the transition easier.
My DP used to take his DC to his DM and holiday with her...BEFORE we became a couple.... Things move on!
sorry for your loss Flowers

emmakc1977 · 15/06/2016 17:47

Personally, I think it is disgusting and that your DH should pull her up on it. You area family and that includes all of the children. I feel really sorry for your kids from your first relationship that they get left out when their half siblings get to go away - shame on your DH and MIL. If she can't afford to take all of you, she should take any of you! This has made me super cross on your behalf (I barely ever post, just hover lol).

Expat777 · 15/06/2016 17:49

Time to stop yours and his DC waiting at the back of the queue. Rather Cinderella is if I might say so. You sound a very caring mother /step mother but it's time she was treated with the same importance as the others. Poor DC, while sad for you, how can a child deal with this total lack of fairness. Good luck but you need to put your foot down.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 17:51

That is the problem Bacon, this man is not! It does not look like he will anytime soon. I agree, he should be saying 'No Mother we are a family so Neon, her dds and my dds and our dd all go on holiday together, it is all or nothing! How did he find the e mail Neon. He is nearly 40, how is this going to change, he's been doing this all of his life, you have to sit down and think long and hard, do you want this for your kids, they deserve much better!

ricketytickety · 15/06/2016 18:07

Only 1 person will be happy with the current set up - his mum.

Your dp isn't 'happy' because he doesn't enjoy the holidays ( to be honest, who would if they don't get to choose when/where/who they go with).

You aren't happy because you are excluded (or asked to come knowing you won't want to leave your kids out)

His dc aren't included in your family.

Your dc are included in their sibling's holidays.

So, I don't think your dp is the 'problem' because he has probably dealt with this sort of controlling behaviour for a lifetime. He is as unhappy as you are I would think. He's going to find it really unnatural going against his mum's wishes and that's why he talks about taking sides and locks himself in the bathroom. It might take him back to childhood when he stood up to her before and there were consequences. How do you get him to tell her what he wants? Only he can reach that place himself. You have to tell him how it should be and wait for him to work out what he is going to do. There is no way you can force him on this I'm afraid.

TheWindowDonkey · 15/06/2016 18:11

Are you sire you are his only partner? i ask this because it sounds horribly farmiliar to the situation a friend of mine found herself in a few years ago. Guy had two families, lne with her and one with another woman. Mother was IN ON IT and usd to swap photos around in the house depending on whom visited. He claimed he lived with his Mum when in fact he lived with his original family. DFriend only discovered his duplicity when the woman from the first family found out about dfriend on his 'spare' phone and contacted her. It had been going on for years. Utterly crazy.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 18:13

rickety you are right, but op has does not have to be unhappy and her children loosing out, while she waits for him to find his gumption and short this out. He should be doing that now! I had a mum like her MIL, thank god I cut the apron strings when I was a child, so mum could not assert her authority over me all the time.

When I was 11, before dad died of Cancer, he sent me to boarding school as he knew that I would end up like my mum, or like op dh. So I was independent from my mum very early, so built up the confidence to say no and to stand up to her.

ricketytickety · 15/06/2016 18:17

aren't included not are

GabsAlot · 15/06/2016 18:22

cant belive u didnt met her till well into your pregnancy and this was how long after u were together?

so what happened at the wedding

dolkapots · 15/06/2016 18:27

This is a side issue but I do think it is important for children to be comfortable when visiting the NRP and six children between 2 bedrooms sounds very cramped to me. I used to love going to my dad's as it was quiet (I had 3 step siblings at home) Just saying that maybe he prefers to take them to his DM's as it will be more comfortable for them. It doesn't redeem the rest of his behaviour though.

Olddear · 15/06/2016 18:35

I don't know where to start....! Your poor children. This thread makes me feel so sad for them.

StrictlyMumDancing · 15/06/2016 18:36

He can't make everyone happy - very true. You have two very diametrically opposed views, you want yourself and your DC to be at the very least considered and MIL wants only her GC around (begrudgingly you only if must).

But when you're trapped in a situation like this the answer isn't to always give into one and hurt the other, the answer is to find a middle ground. Even if that middle ground is sometimes he hurts you and sometimes he hurts his mother.

He can't make his mother accept you or your DC, but he can make her respect his choice to take your DC on. That's all she needs to do really, but she never will whilst her happiness always comes above all others.

Panadbois · 15/06/2016 18:47

I'm horrified that you've lived like this for so long. I'm so cross on you behalf.

I'm afraid I would be giving him an ultimatum. I mean, day passes? That's just rubbing salt in the wound. It me and the kids or your mammy.

GabsAlot · 15/06/2016 19:05

when my sister and her now dh got together there wasno question of the kids being together- one from a previous

they used to go round his dads together and his family got them both presents at xmas and treated him like he was part of their family-as it should be-my sister just wouldnt have had it any other way

3kidsandacat · 15/06/2016 19:26

OMG, I so would not have this happen, a family holiday should be just that, MIL needs a stern word as does your DH, they are colluding with each other, I don't believe for a minute she would spend so much money on the off chance her DS would be available to go, this has been discussed, DS needs to grow a pair and tell his ex wife where to go, he has legal access to his children so he can take them where he likes in the UK without her say so. He sounds like he is still really wet behind the ears, if it was my MIl she would not be welcome in my house at all, good luck, you deserve a holiday

pillowaddict · 15/06/2016 20:08

I hope he listens to you op because this situation is unliveable longterm. Your poor kidsSad I'm so glad you're standing up for them. They will thank you!

fragrancemeister · 15/06/2016 20:17

Sorry OP but you get treated how you allow people to treat you. I know it's not easy,but you need to respect yourself,you are worth so much more than the way you are being treated and so are your children.D not let them see that it's OK to allow people to trample on their feelings.They are witnessing this situation,they are going to grow up thinking this situation is what family life is,itsnot

Craigie · 15/06/2016 20:27

Did you say somewhere that his ex wife refused to take him off the mortgage? Does that mean he's still paying/liable for that mortgage? Maybe if their finances still aren't properly resolved that's another reason you're expected to go without!

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 15/06/2016 20:51

You had to talk to him through the bathroom door and he cried and said you should blame his dead dad?! WTF! Is he 12! Insult to 12 year old actually.

Tell mummies boy to fuck off back there where he clearly wants to be.

I suspect he won't change. He offered you a shit alternative, the insult of a day pass! No mention of the every other weekend of Christmas's. He will carry on as normal because he won't tell his mother no. You are the OW to his mother sadly.

Castleonacloud · 15/06/2016 21:09

Are you sire you are his only partner?

This is what kind of struck me when I have been reading all the posts. Does his ex go to his mum's at all when your DH is there?

I have read the full thread and it sound like a horrible position to be in, you have brought it to his attention now and it's down to him, but I think you also need to be making plans for if things don't change, because how long will you continue to wait for? Book a holiday for summer, but also be thinking about if things don't change, what will you do, financially, where will you live, maintenance and access to his bio child, where will it be and how long for, also will 'your' children be involved in that too?

It's a big tangled web, and maybe your DH has a mother with issues, he's still grieving for his Dad and is trying to please his ex and 'his' children too, but you should be his priority and at the moment, you aren't.

I genuinely feel for you OP, this is a horrid situation and I hope for your sake and the sake of your kids (all of them) your OH realises what a prat he's been!

Ps, sorry for your lossFlowers

murmeli · 15/06/2016 22:06

What a rubbish situation; I really feel for you.
In my opinion, you're either a family or you're not. And I'm really sorry, but it sounds to me like he has decided that you are not. The holiday issue is one thing, the not meeting her until 25 weeks pregnant and the whole Christmas thing is indicative of this. Am really sorry... I know you say you love him, but I would be questioning whether he loves you.... really very sorry. Hope you are ok xx
P.S. Think outside the box with holidays and holiday prices... you don't need to spend half that amount for a fortnight away x

Esspee · 15/06/2016 22:09

Neon,
In the course of this thread you have grown as a person. I am so proud of you for making a stand against the injustice you and your children have had to put up with from your husband and MIL. Please continue to be strong for your children. We are all behind you. Sending you love and encouragement.

LellyMcKelly · 15/06/2016 22:45

No, YOU are the family. YOU should go on holiday together. If you want to, invite the MIL, but that's totally out of order. He is using up valuable annual leave to spend time away from you. That's not on unless you're both happy with it.

FructoseTart · 15/06/2016 23:16

Wow.
Just wow.
I have a DD from a previous relationship, and if DPs parents want to do something with the WHOLE family then they include my DD too. Even though she does to her dads every weekend, they always still ask if she would like to go or be involved.
I can't imagine the divide this is causing between all of the children - how your DD together is more privileged than your older DC.
Hope you and ALL of your children have a fab time in Cornwall. He needs a Biscuit for the day pass suggestion. What a dick!

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