to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Thanks, Jane. I feel like a weight has been lifted, even though it isn't anywhere near sorted. Just saying that this is an issue, and actually I'm not prepared to do it any more, has helped massively.

I didn't meet her at all until I was about 25 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She's never, ever been rude to me; but I've just never felt particularly comfortable around her, and I've never been able to put my finger on why.

Not before being 25 weeks pregnant. That's confusing. How did dh justify that?

It sounds like a continuation of his childhood. A bossy mother and sister, his wishes getting little consideration because they know best (ie they know best what suits them).

What was his father like?

He has allowed this situation to develop. V strange spending weekends with his DC but not in his own home.

There was no justification, Jane. It just never happened. It always bothered me to be honest, still does, but I doubt I'll ever get a reason for it so I pick my battles.

I don't know much about his dad really, he doesn't like to talk about him. From what I can gather he had a lovely upbringing - they were sent to private school, their parents were good to them. I always assumed what happened to his dad was traumatic enough (understandably) that he didn't want to bring him up in conversation; so I didn't pry.

Good luck neon and she probably doesn't like you for whatever reason, but hides it from you. Your dh probably knows, but does not want to tell you. Really, I doubt if he would consider counselling, taking into account his past reaction. Only you will tell by his reaction when you see him, either he is on board or not. If he is on board, mabey counselling would help, but if he is not, then I am afraid to say, its probably over. This is a big issue in the marriage, not just a small one. If he is, then he needs to take steps to cut those apron strings and learn to say no to his mother.

She sounds very nasty and unpleasant, he is used to doing her bidding, as its easier, but that is not good for you or your kids. And not acceptable.

Does his mother know that you are married?
The 25 weeks has my mind boggled..

Not really your business but was he the same with ex? I bet she hates Mil being near and controlling her kids.

Do his kids like going to grannies? Are they likely to start protesting any time soon. Granny could easily drive a wedge between him & kids if she is trying to control them too. Remember they're likely to have a totally different life with their mum.

Does seem odd that they have brothers and sisters to play with, but go to grannies

Maybe DH spoils them at grannies and he couldn't do that AND treat your DC the same - sneaky some how!

Oh and the sofa bed - don't ask - tell him you're ordering one - or give him a choice of 2 - and pick one

I like that sofa bed idea

I agree with PP that the sentence: "I can't keep both sides happy" is very revealing. His mother's happiness shouldn't depend on him.
I think you and him need to read about narcissism and what it entails. My MIL is a narcissist and as a result my husband doesn't know what is normal and not normal in relationships. I think it's possible that your husband genuinely doesn't know that what MIL is doing is completely unacceptable.

That he brought up the death of his father in the argument although it is totally unrelated is another clue. If you argue with a narcissist, he will twist around the argument so you have to apologise/feel sorry for him when it's you that have been wronged. That not on but again he might not know that because that's how he has been brought up.

it's possible that your husband genuinely doesn't know that what MIL is doing is completely unacceptable.

I think he might have an inkling. Why else would he overreact the way he did when Neon approached him, calmly and non-confrontationally, about something that was.bothering her, and start talking about sides?

I.have a suspicion that a part of him knows very well that what she and he have been doing is well out of order.

And if so, that's actually a good sign - somewhere in there might be the decent bloke Neon thought she was marrying

Wtf am I reading

Gosh OP, this is awful

My MIL never treated my children from my first marriage the way she treated her bio grandchildren. The differences were so huge and horrible that we ended up going no contact for over 18 months. No fucking way will I allow them to be treated so differently again but unfortunately it did take us a while to say 'enough is enough'

Now we are building bridges, it is going well. There are some differences, she clearly loves her bio grandchildren more, I will never change that and it makes me sad as she was in their lives since they were very young but as long as they are all treated equally and with care in my home and they aren't excluded we have to accept that.

I don't want to make you feel any more sadder than you already do but this does have to end before your children start getting really hurt, if they aren't already. If DH doesn't change his ways I personally could not keep with him. I am really hoping he will be on your side with this but if he isn't then you know where you stand. His reaction yesterday was awful. He needs to grow the fuck up if he wants to keep you huh? He should never have let it get to this stage.

I understand going along with things at the start and then suddenly asking yourself WTF you are doing. I did it as well although my situation was not as bad as yours. All you can do is change the future. Lots of luck to you, you sound lovely and I'm not sure he deserves you

Mil can go to centre parcs on her own with the two kids. That would be fine.

Then you should be having a family holiday in Cornwall at a separate time including DH and all the children. In a 8 berth there is no room for mil. Next year you can sort out going with all 9 of you if you want.

This would be the ultimatum I would give DH. It doesn't waste mils holiday but there is no unfairness either.

And he can visit them on a day pass... Or if you are feeling generous he could even stay for a night or two. But no taking shared DD.

Why are you still with him?

I would be telling him to shove the day pass up his arse.

If this behaviour doesn't change you would not be unreasonable to ask him to go and live permanently with his lovely Mother -then he can really enjoy being spoiled by daddy's money which it would seem means more to him than you and your DC's do.
You deserve so much better than this immature selfish twat

Words fail me, I'm so vexed at so many things in this story that all my responses are jammed in the doorway! I'd say take all your kids (inc the one you have with that wet blanket, sorry but he is!) on holiday, and feck the rest of em! Sorry for your loss as well chick, really hope you can find a solution or a way to deal with this situation cos it's pretty obvious it's all going to be up to you. PS: Passive aggressive behaviour means he can blame everything on everyone else, just have a wee think on that and good luck 😊 xxx

Crikey OP. Well done for broaching it, good luck.

As a random thought, do you have a garden? Could you borrow some tents and have a family camp out for the next contact weekend? All the kids doing something together, kind of practice for a holiday with all of you? (one of you can always sneak back into the hosue with the littlest if needs be!)

I'm quite frankly stunned that such idiots as your husband and his family exist. What utter fuckers :(

'Don't make it anti MIL - make it pro Family' totally sensible idea and probably the best way, but in ops position I'd be telling him to grow up and get his fucking act together!

However several things seriously concern me.

Op I think you need to do some reading on narcissism, toxic in laws, yes but ALSO covert incest and enmeshment as your husbands relationship with mil doesn't just sound dysfunctional to me it sounds very worrying!

Has there been no details given around his fathers death at all? Is it just referred to as an 'accident'? If so I suspect a suicide.

Wealth and privilege don't mean it was a happy, functional or non abusive childhood. Certainly appears emotionally abusive to me.

But it cannot be allowed to continue into the next generation.

ALL the children are being emotionally badly treated here.

His daughters from his first marriage are being excluded from his current family (which as a pp put very well can be just as hurtful as it is for the ones missing out financially).

Your daughters from your first marriage are being treated as unworthy, that is NEVER acceptable.

The daughter from the current marriage is being pulled both ways, that is also extremely damaging.

No more!

You're (op, husband, ALL the dc) a family, the mil is a RELATIVE not part of the FAMILY in this respect.

His dc from first marriage should be at YOUR home for post divorce contact. That's for him to spend time with them not his nightmare mother! She could always arrange other times with her ex dil (who also needs to grow up IMO).

Holidays - everyone goes or nobody does! Not only does mil not have an obligation to take/pay for grandchildrens holidays, she doesn't have A RIGHT to either! That's up to husband and the mother to agree to JOINTLY.

Christmas - the years husband has the dc from his first marriage Christmas is ideally everyone at YOUR home. If mil wants to host she hosts EVERYONE!

This utterly nasty exclusion of your dc from your first marriage needs to stop now!

A decent man would be saying to his mother

no! I married op and when I did I became and agreed to be stepfather to her dc. So they're my kids too! We're a family, you take all or none!

Op you're right it shouldn't have gone on this long, but you can't time travel. So you deal with it now.

Good luck.

I'm quite frankly stunned that such idiots as your husband and his family exist. What utter fuckers

I feel a bit sorry for him. I think he's emotionally immature and hasn't learned how to stand up to his mother. He's in for a bumpy ride if he doesn't wake up and get his priorities right. It might be the first time he's been challenged and his mother is clearly the dominant influence - it will be a hard journey to disconnect from her, albeit a worthwhile one.

The whole situation is so bizarre. I really cannot imagine as a mother not meeting the parent of my future grandchild until shortly before the birth. You really have married into a messed up family. Sorry to say.

And what I really cannot understand is why your husband is not desperate for you to have a relationship with his children. You sound like the only sane one amongst them and could be a such a positive influence. Unlike his mother, fear. Children can never have too many caring relations. He really is so messed up, isn't he. :O(