DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

Laurie, you might be 'almost at full employment' but we're certainly not in the North - no where near it. Jobs are like hen's teeth up here, and that's for people with qualifications and experience.

sparkle, get him to try temp agencies. If he says he'll do anything he's bound to start picking up at least a few days work. The same for the OP's daughter. She's may even not be too late to pick up something abroad but hard work, like hotel or campsite work.

Tell her to go sleep on a friend's couch if she's not interested in getting a job and covering her own costs. She won't have friends for long which will be a real wake up call.

youthecat - yep, that's really shit, it really does depend on where you live - we've no idea which part of the country the OP is in - she's not said yet unless I've missed a page

We're bloody falling over coffee shop jobs round here - nearly everywhere is recruiting. Dd had the pick of jobs and is getting £9 an hour for completely unskilled work in a shop.

Could she at least help ye both in your self employed positions or cook dinner do housework. Nothing chases kids out to work more than having to clean bathrooms or do ironing. Encourage her to get work so she has it for her Cv later rather than saying you'll starve her. Give her ideas as not easy to know where might be suitable.

Encourage her to get a summer job by all means, but I would still provide board, lodgings and food. Can students not claim JSA or something in the holidays ?

Any able bodied person can get a job if they want one. Its just that a lot of people think they are too good for the jobs available. Supermarket shifts, packing boxes, cleaning homes or offices, factory assembly work, overnight security work, farm work and fruit picking all have a very high turnover of staff and take on casual staff all the time. I'm a secondary school teacher, and a lot of my students say they can't find summer jobs. What they mean is they couldn't get one in Hollister/Jack Wills/another trendy clothing shop. There's nothing wrong with expecting a young adult to pay their way.

Also while the minimum wage remains less for under 25's, there will remain employers who will choose cheap labour over experience.

I am so shocked by some of the patronising posts on this thread -

So OP is being unreasonable to make DD responsible for her financial difficulties, but it's perfectly OK for her presumably able bodied DD to make OP financially responsible for her because she refuses to get a job. I imagine if jobs were rare where OP Lives she wouldn't even have expected DD to work.

More than a million people - many of them employed - had to use food banks in the past year in the UK. But judge away...........

And I agree if she can't find a job due to location then she helps out her family in every way possible by helping you with your self employed work doing admin/deliveries/packing/dogsbodying

Or if that's not possible by cleaning the house/doing the shopping/all the washing and ironing/looking after pets/washing the windows/cutting the grass - a full day's work which you're both doing

So that the people out at work all day don't have to come home to do work

I've got some sympathy for the daughter.

A bit baffled by the 'Anyone can get a job' brigade. If you are in a rural area - with few bus services, no trains, no use of a car - the situation is very different to that in an affluent commuter town in the South-East.

Students have also had quite a bit of growing up to do at university, and have an (understandable) tendency to regard home as the refuge where nothing changes, It would be a bit unnerving to find your parents where glaring at you, as you opened the biscuit tin and saying. 'We never mentioned it before but we've got all these unpaid bills we haven't chased up and the business is failing so get a job or else, you greedy lazy waste of space.'

If jobs were really like hens teeth in the north, then why do we always have hardly any applicants and even fewer suitable ones for permanent office and lab technican type jobs that are £20k ish pa full time permanent public sector roles with pensions, flexi time, family friendly policies?

Any tourist area, hotels, restaurants, cafes etc will want extra temporary staff over the summer and hotels will often come with accomodation provided if you are not in a tourist area. She needs to find out which are the appropriate temp agencies and get applying for whatever she considers herself suitable for.

Festivals also always want runners, security and catering staff and it pays above NMW (£8 ph is the usual minimum).

The fact is that the OP cannot afford to accomodate her DD for free so the DD has to work and contribute. And even if she could afford it, it will do the DD no good in the jobs market if she does nothing else worthwhile while at uni.

I did my degree part time, which meant 10 hours contact time a week while I was working 30 hours a week in my full time job and I graduated with a first in a STEM subject. I simply do not believe that students do not have time to attend uni, study and work too, in addition to sleeping an socialising.

When my husband was a young man and starting his degree, his father - who was taking an increasingly badly paid series of jobs - told him that he couldn't afford to pay the part of the student grant which was supposed to be contributed by the parent. However, he did say that he would help his son (my husband to be) to get a job for the summer, so that he'd have enough money to live on. And he was as good as his word. My father-in-law who was a sales rep fixed him up with temporary work at one of the factories that was part of his round.

That was more or less fine. It was all talked about and sorted in advance. (Though my husband does have a view that his mother was extravagant, and his father made poor financial decisions - which is why they didn't pay their son what the Government, who knew their income, thought they could afford to contribute.)

What might seem a bit weird is to arrive back after a busy term, thinking you are really looking forward to seeing your friends. Only to be told, 'Sorry darling we're skint. And as there are not many jobs locally you'd better go off and work as a chambermaid in the South Coast for the summer because we can't afford to feed you. Here's the number of the agency. Now run along and stop eating those biscuits.'

Often I think Young people don't always know how to get a job. We hone our skills over years, what works, what doesn't...

It's actually quite scary for them I think, and need help rather than expecting it just to happen. A conversation is a good start though. I talked my DD into trying to get work experience one summer...she wasn't keen but did...and it led to work in the hols. I now hear her giving my advice to her friends...

I know things are different from how they were when we were younger - no benefits in the long holidays, fewer job opportunities, and much greater debts. But I am intrigued by posters who think young adults are too delicate to work away from home in the summer. I don't think I ever went back to my parents over the summers. I stayed in the SE where the work was, while they lived up North. So I had to find my own money for food, fares, clothes and rent. They never offered any and I never thought they would.

HeadoftheHive - I agree, they need helping and persuading. Start them young I reckon. Get them out on paper rounds and then babysitting and doing deliveries or bar work as soon as they are able so they get that independence and the pride that comes from earning your own income. DS got an early taste for it and has a very strong work ethic.

To those saying she shouldn't be expected to move away for work because she wants to relax and see her friends - how is she going to be able to afford to go out and do things with no money? OP obviously can't afford to give her handouts.

She should contribute. I started paying rent when I was 17.

I've also done residential TEFL. Pay is rubbish but you get full board and lodging and it's social and fun.

I think people see what their peers are doing, years ago when we were students most people left school at 16 and so it was normal to get a job then. Students understood they could work. Nowadays it's mainly training or uni. My younger DD really thought she couldn't work until 18 as you had to stay in school or learning until you are 18.

Communication is a problem here. The dd has been back a week, no one has talked to her about getting work (in case hinting is counterproductive) or, I think, outlined the parents financial difficulties. Yet the resentment is already building in the mother.

I think you do need to lead them to it. How about sitting down with her and looking at the jobs section of the newspaper or a search engine?

They put barriers in place because they feel scared, don't want to fail, it's new, etc. you might need to explain how she will get there etc. Then she can't say oh there are no jobs.

As a teacher I wish teenagers in their exam years didnt have part-time jobs as they often focus more on these than their studies - can't get homework done because they have to work, can't stay for a revision class for the same reason.

I think board IS food isn't it?

I think YABU to say she can't eat food in her own family home. Can't she eat the same as you? Can't she cook a couple of times a week for you?

However she needs to get a job to ease the financial pressure so she can generally pay for things for herself..nights and meals out, or to help make a small contribution.

I hate coming on to these threads saying ' well my ds's do ......'.

Well, I'll tell ya. Get her arse down to Asda, Sainsburys, Morrisons etc although it might be too late .

Sports Direct always have vacancies , for a reason but it's a job .

Ds1 and 2 always had jobs , we live in a small town and they've found something .

Supermarkets offer seasonal work for students if they firvthe bill and are reliable.