DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

Meant to include, in cases where the families didn't need the money.

I agree she is in need of a bit of a nudge and some encouragement.

My parents could afford to keep us over the summer and did.

But they valued hard work so if you got a job your monthly allowamce carried on -meaning you could save more of your earnings to subsidise term time expenses.

If you didn't get a job (DBro was actually the only one who ever tested this) all cash stopped so you were stuck at home, with food but no money for going out etc.

He got a job pretty quicly after that. Maybe I was lucky but there was always loads of seasonal work where I lived. I chamber aided for two summers and worked in a shop the third. After that I only got a two week holiday.

In the early ohrase of my career I could tell which of my colleagues had had jobs and who hadn't - those who had could read a payslip, see where Payroll had buggered up their pay and were a bit better generally at time management.

I'm a little resentful I missed out on some of the travelling my more spoilt friends did but on the whole the work ethic I gained has served me well.

You should give her some encouragement and lay out your financial situation clearly. It is true she might not find anything late in the day, but she needs to try. You will be doing her a favour if you prompt her to show some initiative in getting a job.

I will admit I am a university lecturer and am often staggered at the lack of initiative some of my students demonstrate. Giving her a nudge to get out there and find something will help her to stand on her own two feet and hopefully make her realize the gumption you need to succeed.

There is a clear divide between my students who show initiative in finding paid work, following their "dream," and getting good grades too. They work incredibly hard all year around and search relentlessly for opportunities. The students who sit and wait for stuff to happen to them, on the other hand, do much less well.

You begrudge her food?? Perhaps she will get the message and not come home in future
This ^
Her job is the university. If she is doing well, she has done her job. You say it's only food that's the issue. I can't believe you think she eats so much that this will bankrupt your finances.

IonaNE - university is not a full time job. It can be during semester time, but semesters are 30 weeks of the year, roughly. That leaves another 22 weeks of the year, during which students (who are independent adults) should not be sitting around doing nothing and completely sponging off their parents.

I do agree its ok for the OPs daughter to come home and expect to be fed and accommodated, if the family finances are ok. If not, it is completely reasonable to expect her to pull her own weight - and it will do her some good to as well.

Perhaps adults need to model adult behaviour to their children.

They can do this with advance planning and budgeting, For example they can expect that the months when students come home are likely to involve an increased food bill. If self-employed they can try to maximise their income in the run-up to that time and focus on sending reminder letters to clients who haven't paid. If in the month or two before the student comes home efforts to generate more income and get debtors to pay up, that's the point at which you say, 'Money is tight for us. If you want to have anything more than a very basic summer at home, then you are going to have to earn something. Do you have plans?'

There's a lot of talk about the fecklessness of youth on this thread. I'd want to query how well the supposed 'adults' are doing. Just on the basis that if you want to be a good influence, you do have to model good behaviour...

Her job as a student isn't just studying, it's too improve her options for the future. Part time or summer jobs are part of that.

WillPenn, I'm a university lecturer and my students are expected to do a lot of work during the vacations - they will be revising and writing coursework during the winter and spring vacs (and preparing for the next paper), and in the summer they'll have a bit more time, but will still be expected to do a large amount of preparatory work and reading, possibly also some written work. They would not be able to keep up with the term-time workload if they didn't.

I agree that the OP's DD could get some kind of a job; it's always good to have some work experience, but it can also be overrated. This does depend on her degree course and what she wants to do. For some career paths a summer job would be a good thing. For others - better do some more academic work or some unpaid work experience or volunteering or other kinds of projects. Obviously if finances are tight, the OP's DD doesn't have much of a choice. But those on the thread extolling the virtues of hard manual labour are not always right. Sadly, the students who are often getting the better career opportunities are those who can do a lot of unpaid interning/summer volunteering projects etc. Yes in the absence of those opportunities a summer job is better than nothing at all. But people shouldn't kid themselves that this is always a fantastic career move for ambitious students. And those who do a substantial amount of academic work during the vacation are often at a huge advantage when it comes to their degree results.

Why should parents have to forward plan and budget and scrimp when an ADULT (albeit an 18 year old) could very easily contribute.

I never went home in the holidays during Uni. I carried on living in my student house with other housemates, increased my PT hours in my normal uni job and coped fine. I worked throughout my entire three years and came away with a 2:1.

We're not talking about her being home for a few weeks. This is four bloody months! Who here would deliberately not work and stretch family finances for four months?

As a back up in case their child can't get a job? Also, some careers will expect a fair amount of unpaid or very low paid work done before you have a chance of getting an actual job, even with a degree, so some students will be doing unpaid work in the holidays. Unfortunately parents have to support for much longer than in my day. That doesn't excuse the OP's DD from not even trying her absolute damndest to get a job.

"I can't believe you think she eats so much that this will bankrupt your finances."

There are actually people this poor you know?!

I'm worrying about DS's summer holidays as I know from last year how expensive things get when they're not at school 5 days out of 7. Even just the lunches have an impact on my finances. And mines wee so presumably eats less than a hearty appetited uni student! I'm not desperately poor but find myself very stretched in the long holidays, so don't discount actual money worries over food please.

OP I think you're straddling two worlds here, you are treating your dd like a child by not sharing the reality of finances and the impact another person will inevitably have on finances. Yet when she acts like a child, you're getting stressed and upset (quite reasonably, given the situation). It feels like you're hoping she'll behave like an adult whilst not wanting to change the parent-child dynamic of protecting her from adult worries and real world impact of actions. You can't absorb the impact of her behavior (eating loads, not thinking where it all comes from, taking only not giving back to the family pot etc), and so instead of setting rules that may feel mean or arbitrary to her (& others), can you look on this as a transitional phase where you teach her how to contribute to communal living... With her parents or with friends, it's always good to know how to do this stuff :)

So I'm thinking, share some of real life situation with her and explain how she can contribute as well throughout her holidays.

I also think that changing the dynamic will help her out of the stroppy teenage mode of 'mums being meeeean' or translating finances as being a cruel rejection instead something the whole family faces together.

Good luck!

She could work a couple of shifts a week, earn enough to contribute to the household and go to the pub, and still have five days to study.

I would tell her money is tight. Have a meal plan for the week ie cereal, soup for lunch and pasta for tea - loads if great threads about tight money weeks. Explain food is just the basic any treats will have to be brought herself.

I do think it can be very beneficial to have some work experience and or a summer job. And one can lead to another - a summer job in asda might lead to a graduate training scheme in retail for example. I encourage them to think of each one as a stepping stone, building up a portfolio of skills. And trying things out!

Someone might take them on somewhere relevant for a work experience placement one year on the back of a job another.

Tricky one. On the one hand, part of the deal as a parent of a student is that you support, feed and house them at least in the holidays, and to be honest, your and your dh need to budget for that. But you do need to sit down with her and ask what her plan is and explain that while you love having her home you are also skint, and if she were to get herself down to the temping agency and chip in a few quid to the food kitty it would help a lot. As I used to say to ds..my overdraft is your overdraft..

I worked in a pub, loved it :) it doesn't have to be 'wasted' if it's not directly building to that grand career. I learnt a lot about working, and what makes a good employee, and a bad one. Whilst also stretching my wings and just enjoying being young, yet 'grown up', with crazy friends and crazy nights. Working gave me freedom, rather than being this miserable thing teenagers should never be tied down to.

Oh and I also learnt never to snort tequila! Important life lesson indeed.

There's nothing 'tricky' about this. Op is hard up and CANT afford to keep her adult dd over the summer. A lot of my friends and I had part-time jobs (some really shit but hey,) all year whilst studying full-time. My mum was a single parent so it wasn't a case of her resenting my presence . She was and is the most loving, welcoming person I know.

The money isn't always there and the definition of skint differs between everyone. A tenner til payday? Or I had to borrow £10,000 towards this Bentley (true story).

It wasn't me getting a Bentley fwiw .

We're on a low income and our student son is currently home. But have to admit, he is good at budgeting and has come home with a few hundred quid left - enough to keep himself in spending money over the summer. (My other son, just finished uni, was useless with money).

I don't mind buying his food, and transporting him around - it is easier with him than the other one, though, as his brother is more spoilt and entitled behaving (they had the same upbringing - go figure!) But he budgets and really I'd rather he rested or did uni work to get ahead for next term, than work.

In OP's circs I'd encourage her daughter to look for a job, though. (As I did my more feckless son).

I think yabu for not feeding your daughter in her uni holidays. But I think she should get a job and you should be frank with her that money is tight and she needs to contribute to her food asap

DS worked part time in Waitrose from the sixth form throughout uinversity holidays; we were happy to feed him but if he wanted to go out with his friends, (which of course he did) he had to pay for his entertainment, drinks, petrol etc himself. And actually he did give me something towards food during uni holidays, when he worked much longer hours than when he was still at school, when he only did Friday evenings and Saturdays.
PS and Waitrose were very good to him indeed.

She needs to get a job, not only to help out and get some money together for next year, but the graduate market is really tight and she needs work experience on her CV, and to get into the habit of 'working'. Hotels, bars and temp agencies are good places to start. I did some awful jobs as a student, but it really made me appreciate my education, and helped me develop a strong work ethic.

Just came on to agree with traininthevdistance - this myth that studies are confined to "contact time" or term time really has to go. Of course, students could choose to do the bare minimum.....

Also agree with posters that paid work is important for all sorts of reasons. I was fortunate (!?!) in that there were lots of long hours/minimum wage jobs available. Fruit picking, factory work etc. I was also expected to make a proper contribution to the house with domestic chord (both parents worked FT).

Mum and Dad still treated a bit - did my washing and ironing, bought me takeaways, gave me lifts to nights out. There is a middle ground between indulged child and independent adult!

I am intrigued by posters who think young adults are too delicate to work away from home in the summer.

Me too Notagiraffe.
Many Irish students get J-1s and spend their summers hot bedding in the US, fending for themselves and generally having a ball while making money too.

My own DCs have all worked their way through university and before then while in school.

I also agree with Notagiraffe that you have to get your DCs started at a young age at little jobs or it all becomes a huge challenge for them and they get too used to money on tap.

We are talking about young people here. Why the need for 'resting' after a university year? Plenty of their peers work all year. My own experience of DCs doing a heavy courseload in school and in university is that the more they have to do the more they manage to get done.