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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

523 replies

Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 08:42

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

OP posts:
Curviest · 13/06/2016 13:42

I'm appalled at you - YES you are being VERY unreasonable!

Your 4 year old can sleep in the nursery, and your MIL in the 4 year old's room.

This is your children's granny. Your DH mother!

RaqsMax · 13/06/2016 13:44

YABU. Think about how you would feel when your own children were grown up and the shoe was on the other foot. If you were desperate to see your new grandchild, would you not expect your son/daughter to accommodate you after a 4-hr journey to see them all?

You say that you are not even using the nursery at the moment and the baby is in with you. How hard is it really to open up a sofa bed and make it up? If MIL doesn't mind staying in the nursery on a sofa bed, why are you creating difficulties?

Also, your husband must feel caught between a rock and a hard place, as I bet he feels awful for rejecting his mother, but does not want to upset you either. Let his mum stay, for goodness sake! It's only a couple of nights out of your life. In a few months, you and husband might want a night away on your own. I bet you won't mind MIL staying then to babysit!

And I bet if it was your mother staying there would not be an issue....

Lymmmummy · 13/06/2016 13:48

I am going to go against the general consensus and say YANBU

You have a small child and a new baby - and no obvious spare room - in future yes you might jiggle the rooms about to accommodate MIL - but for now perhaps you don't want the additional stress of also having MIL in your house 24/7 at what is probably quite a stressful time - we don't know how easy going or not MIL is and how much impact her staying in the house would have - or how close the suggested hotel may be - eg it may be very close and not that inconvenient for MIL

Sorry I haven't read all 15 pages of the post - so am probably not up to date - but OP mentions MIL came in the past and stayed for 1 night to help - because of the birth - whilst this is kind of MIL - there is no indication that MIL is providing enormous levels of help to OP in terms of babysitting etc just that in an extreme emergency she helped for 1 night

If it's a money issue could you perhaps just offer to pay for her

Be interested to see what happens

katand2kits · 13/06/2016 13:50

Not time to read it all, but going on the info in the OP, I would let her stay with you. I wouldn't put my own mum in a hotel, so I wouldn't do it to my MIL either, providing that she is ok with the sofabed.

karencamp2008 · 13/06/2016 13:52

YANBU - contrary to what most people have said on here I don't think you're being unreasonable. You need to be comfortable with her staying and your new baby is only 7 weeks old! Your MIL has invited herself for a visit, understandable new grand child etc. but if you need your own space at present that's understandable too. It sounds to me as if you are putting yourself and your family's needs first. Happy mummy = happy baby = happy family Your MIL will get to spend a more enjoyable time with you if you're all happy too = happy MIL

ineedwine99 · 13/06/2016 13:53

I know how you feel, i'm getting house guests once baby is 3 or 4 days old, not looking forward to it.
I think you just have to go with it and explain the sofa in the nursery is the only option, i wouldn't be re arranging furniture/kids to accomodate.

soozykay · 13/06/2016 13:56

As a Mil and DM, I'd be only too happy to stay in an hotel. Unfortunately, due to my sparkling personality and amazing grand parenting skills, I'm always made to stay in their homes.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 13/06/2016 13:56

I understand it's a bit tricky in a small space, but I think it sounds v rude. My MIL can be really awful (makes rude comments and can be v moody) and doesn't help with anything, but I wouldn't even do that to her. She's your partner's mum, you wouldn't do that to your own mum so it's no different. Especially when you have children it's important, it's for your partner and children. In the future when the children are older of course they should bunk up together. Why shouldn't they, it would seem very unfamily like to ship them off to a hotel. They won't exactly have that same bonding experience by not staying in the same house.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 13/06/2016 13:58

However with a new baby I don't think it's unreasonable that early on. My MIL came to stay when mine was less than 2 weeks old and I was expected to wait on her hand and foot and she even made a comment about how she'd helped me put one item in the dishwasher to help me lol.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 13/06/2016 13:59

Admit it op. You just don't want your Mil to stay...ever. You'll always have some excuse. How would you like it, if you move near MIL and you would like your parents to come and stay, and your DH says "no, let them stay in a hotel, the spare room is too small (just like when my Mum wasn't allowed to stay with us) and I don't want them here". How would you feel? if your DH treated your parents the same way as you treat his parents. I bet you would be disgusted.

SapphireStrange · 13/06/2016 14:00

the sofa bed... doesn't match the decor.

I was pretty sympathetic towards you until I read that, OP.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 13/06/2016 14:01

Having said that yours MIL sounds nice so I'd be happy to have someone like that stay, especially if they were helpful, you might find her staying useful to you as well as enjoyable for her.

Mumstudentbum · 13/06/2016 14:03

I haven't read the whole thread but based in the op yabu

If mil (only loves 2 hours away) was coming overnight to stay she would stay in our home. Teenager would be in Dd2 bed and dd1 and dd2 would bunk up with each other so mil could have teenagers double bed. We are not the bestest of mates but she's family and helps us out a lot. Sorry

Craigie · 13/06/2016 14:03

Would you ask your own mum to stay in a hotel, or would you make room for her in your home if she wanted to stay for a couple of nights? You have to treat them the same.

moregranny · 13/06/2016 14:05

I am a MIL it wouldn't worry me one bit to have to stay in a hotel in fact I would prefer to do so, can't see what people are making a fuss about :-)

Curviest · 13/06/2016 14:08

PS MIL can take her 4 yr old grandson off your hands for two days, giving him loads of time and attention, getting to know him, taking him to the park etc - leaving you free to concentrate on baby.

What's not to like?

ipsogenix · 13/06/2016 14:08

My parents always rent a place when they come to visit, out of consideration. I think it's fine. Having kids is a growth stage and partly about learning to set boundaries for the grandparents too. Stick to your guns and things will be easier next time.

Janie62 · 13/06/2016 14:10

Speaking as a MIL you sound as though she can stay when it's convenient.

moojie · 13/06/2016 14:11

Haven't read the whole thread but think it's worth remembering that one day you will be a MIL to your sons partner. I have viewed my MIL so differently since having had 2 boys. My MIL has 3 boys so I have always made a huge effort to include her in our family life especially with the children. I want our sons to see that this is important and will hopefully encourage their partners to do the same in the future!

katek · 13/06/2016 14:14

Buy your 4 year old a ready bed and he can have an adventure sleeping on his special bed with granny in his. My mother always used to say if there was room in the heart then there was room in the house.

slowandfrumpy · 13/06/2016 14:17

Your are not being kind I don't think
She's your partners mother
If you really can't have her apologise
Profusely and pay yourselves to put her in a nice hotel
To make her pay is really a bit off.
That's My view any way.

user1465822474 · 13/06/2016 14:17

I'd tell her she's welcome to stay but could she clear out the space in the nursery so the sofa bed can open out to accommodate her?- surely FIL can help out too? I would definitely let them know that you've got your hands full though so she needn't feel miffed about the hotel suggestion. They may want to help you out rather than be a burden? It's probably better in the long run to try and stay in their good books....future babysitting duties and outings allowing you to have time alone considered.

LD33 · 13/06/2016 14:19

Yanbu. 7 week old baby plus 2 young children must be verY stressful. Not all mil are helpful some are pains in the bums. I like my mil but no one wud be staying in my house with a new born baby x

papayasareyum · 13/06/2016 14:24

I recently suggested my sister, her partner and their two children stay in a Travelodge when they visit us because we gave no spare room to fit 4 people and they wanted to sleep on the lounge floor for a few nights which would be a nightmare. They refused to stay in a Travelodge and so far haven't been to visit. My mum and other single sister have both visited. We can jiggle sleeping arrangements for 1 guest, or 2 at a push, but not for 4. I wonder what mumsnet would say about that? How many guests should one allow to 'crash' on the lounge floor before it gets silly?

cherrybath · 13/06/2016 14:29

I am a mil myself and when I'm asked to babysit for my granddaughters I normally sleep on the sofa in the living room as there are three bedrooms, all occupied. It isn't a sofa bed but comfortable enough for a couple of nights. If my son and dil are away for the night I sleep in their bed.

If I was asked to stay in an hotel I wouldn't go. I think that you should open up the sofa bed and move things around a bit so that she can get in and out of bed and put her case down - if you explain to her that the room is very cramped she can make her choice.

I agree with other posters that you can't expect her to babysit when you need her and then do this.