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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

523 replies

Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 08:42

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 15:34

Sigh.

Didn't throw a strop? Points to whole 'clearly her needs/wants are more important than mine post'

Posts about not having a spare room?

Points to post about having spare room. You have a spare room. You just don't want to put a blow up bed in it for two nights, for some bizarre reason.

Look ladies. I think we should all step away from this none or her lovely MiL is going to get it right in the neck and have no reason why.

PUT A BLOW UP BED IN THE BOX ROOM.

I'd suggest dolling it up with a nice scented candle and a bunch of flowers to make MiL feel welcome but have feeling would send you right over edge.

leaveamessageatthetone · 12/06/2016 15:34

Erm, it is a box room OP - but our box room is even smaller than that and we still manage to have an overnight guest in there very comfortably.

ZsaZsa1954 · 12/06/2016 15:41

and it doesn't match the decor

I don't normally like the phrase 'I spat wine all over the keyboard' but some wine definitely came down my nose there. For two days?? OP, come on, you don't want your MIL staying AT ALL and you are getting increasingly creative and desperate finding reasons why she can't.

liz70 · 12/06/2016 15:53

May I ask what your DD will sleep on when she moves into that room, OP? The sofa bed - presumably a double bed when up - isn't that a it OTT for a small child? Or a single bed with the sofa bed kept as a sofa? Not much room for a child to play either way, is it?

My long term suggestion was to replace one of your living room sofas with the upstairs sofa bed (with a cover or throw so it doesn't offend your precious decor). Then you have a sleeping solution for guests (either they sleep there, or your DH and you do, and the guest(s) take your bed). Your DD when older sleeps in a single bed in the box room and your DS stays put. BUT WHY AM I BOTHERING WHEN YOU'LL JUST KNOCK BACK LIKE YOU HAVE EVERY OTHER SUGGESTION

NavyAndWhite · 12/06/2016 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PumpkinPies38 · 12/06/2016 15:56

There are loads of your excuses I don't understand OP, but what's the reasoning behind not letting anyone sleeping on the sofa? Could that be a good solution- at least offering it to appear kind?

liz70 · 12/06/2016 15:57

knock it back, obviously.

NavyAndWhite · 12/06/2016 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISpeakJive · 12/06/2016 15:58

Read the title of that thread, OP.

if you don't have a spare room where do your guests sleep?

You do have a spare room.

liz70 · 12/06/2016 16:03

"Hopefully fgs"

Helpfully as well, by the sounds of her. Wink

Roussette · 12/06/2016 16:03

Well... all I can say is... if you were my DIL, I would not be inclined to be babysitting for you again.

Oh hang on, you don't want babysitting do you. It's forced on you - yeah right Hmm

Don't be so bloody selfish OP. Be a bit welcoming FFS. You still have a spare room. Just let your MIL (who has possibly driven 4 hours to get to you) sleep in it and be nice to her. If her only crime is, she babysits, she can't be that bad can she???

I despair of people like you

havalina1 · 12/06/2016 16:06

Is this thread a joke? It must be.

Or else the OP is a phenomenal C U Next Tuesday.

BoGrainger · 12/06/2016 16:07

Now these are the troll threads that I love! Op starts off being ridiculous. Then every time she posts she introduces just another piece if craziness. Not a lot because that's not clever. Just some gems e.g. Clothes for baby, non-matching sofa. Love it!!

andintothefire · 12/06/2016 16:09

OP - I don't think it is unreasonable to say that you are looking forward to her coming but things are a bit of a mess right now and so you have found her a nice hotel or B&B nearby which you have booked for her. In those circumstances I think she would be unreasonable to insist on staying with you. It is your home and you have a routine, and your house is not easily big enough with a spare room to accommodate her.

I wonder though if you have perhaps dealt with it slightly indelicately? Does she feel unwelcome because you have expected her to find the hotel room? I can well imagine that she would feel awkward if the way you offered to pay was to say (after she mentioned the prices) that you'd pay for it in that case.

I don't know enough about what the situation actually was, but I do wonder if it is the way it has been handled that has led to problems rather than the basic proposition that you put up a close family member in a hotel nearby because you are struggling for space.

sorenipples · 12/06/2016 16:10

Hi Ribena - I think YABU to post on mumsnet and expect advice appropriate to your situation. No one knows the details and most will be filling in the gaps from their own experience or imagination.

tbh most of the responses are making me feel really inadequate. 7 weeks post partum I was still bleeding, struggling to establish breast feeding and didn't know what more than 30min sleep was. I would not be able to cope with the logistics of moving stuff around to have a house guest, or indeed, having a house guest. And, controversially (this isn't relevant to your case but I keep reading "what about your mum") I think it would be understandable for a woman to be comfortable with her own mum around while she has boobs hanging out and is trying to avoid a blood stain when she stands up but not her MIL. hides for cover

Your initial post made it sound like you had a good relationship with your MIL, and she has done you many favours and essentially, that you owe her. This is definitely influencing responses. From what you said, I have no idea if she is an utter nightmare (belittles you, undermines your parenting, rearranges/takes over everything because, well, it was done her better way etc. whatever nightmare MIL do ), who forces herself round every 6 weeks, kicking you out to have alone time with you kid or is a kindly person who does you a much needed and appreciated favour.

One response I haven't read - is if you DH wants his MIL to stay he could should be taking ownership of the logistics. Not you. Even if he doesn't want her to stay why isn't he sorting this out?

I don't know the size and free space in your house, so am not going to comment on whether she could or couldn't stay. Again MNetters often think in terms of their own homes/experiences, but not all 3 bed houses are equal. Some can be tiny, so fitting changing station in your room may or may not be practical. I have every sympathy for not wanting to change on your bed ,as someone suggested you do. Maybe I was just a bad mum, but I would have ended up with poo and wee everywhere and been changing my own sheets multiple times a day or sleeping in poo and wee. If you have space in the bathroom that may be more practical.

For me, I think 7 weeks is still early days, and the world is still settling. I am very sympathetic to not wanting house guests, even if they are family, at this time. However, you do need, at some point, to work out what the ongoing situation will be. I don't think there is an easy solution (unless a new sofa bed that matches your living room solves all). I can understand MIL not wanting hotels for every visit, but also get that as the little ones get settled in their rooms moving them around will not be ideal (although may have to be done). Is there anyway you can ad hoc partition off part of your open plan living room ? Otherwise move the two little ones into the bigger bedroom and have a single in the box room? I do digress though, as you acknowledged this needed to be addressed and it is not the point you were asking advice on.

Good luck! And don't less this stop you from enjoying this precious time with your little one (congratulations on the birth).

RortyCrankle · 12/06/2016 16:23

Wow you are a special snowflake aren't you. You are obviously massively unreasonable and I've never heard of such a thing in real life. As for the blue sofa not matching your living room decor for two whole days, it's beyond pathetic. How shallow can you get.

Donatellalymanmoss · 12/06/2016 16:23

Your MIL sounds like a right bitch, poor you having someone who loves your children and takes the time to establish a relationship with them even though she lives far away, and as for giving you the opportunity to spend time with your husband away from the kids, that's just outrageous.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 12/06/2016 16:24

It doesn't match the decor?!

Nah, no way is this genuine, no one is actually that fucking shallow and selfish in real life!

PastaLaFeasta · 12/06/2016 16:25

We're in a two bed flat and have accommodated my dad and sister - in separate rooms. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to rearrange things and organise for the clothes and changing stuff to go into your bedroom. But it's very clear you don't like your MIL and don't want her there.

I've only put my foot down after my mum and her DH stayed, her DH isn't family as they met when we were adults and don't live close enough to get to know him better. Added to the fact they expected to be entertained and not to help, we recommended local hotels for the next visit. But we don't have an unused bedroom so guests are sleeping in our living room, bunking up with the kids or even bedding down in the hallway - far more inconvenient than the OP and only one adult to accommodate

laidbackneko · 12/06/2016 16:26

Definitely reverse. Come on now OP, fess up Wink

susiebear · 12/06/2016 16:32

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RebelRogue · 12/06/2016 16:33

YABU. We live in a one bedroom flat. When dd was 2 weeks,mum stayed over for two weeks. When dd was 5 months both mum and dad stayed over for a week(dad left after a week,but mum stayed the whole month) . Every Time she visits now it's for around a month as well,and we don't even have the best of relationships. Ww definitely don't have the space, but where there's a will there's a way.

mummyto2monkeys · 12/06/2016 16:34

My two children often sleep with us when relatives visit, they are six and eight. Our youngest suffered from terrible anxiety and has only just started sleeping through the night, so my Mum is sleeping in with me until dd has been sleeping in her bed all night consistently for a bit longer. If your mil is lovely, I would let her share with your daughter. I spent every Christmas sharing my bed with my lovely Gran, I grew up to have a lovely relationship with her, and with wonderful memories of giggling in bed, as my Gran told me silly stories about my Dad when he was little.

Saying that my MIL is an abusive narcissist who we are now nc with. Although we did have her to stay too. I always assumed, having grown-up with my Mum having a fantastic relationship with my Gran, that I would have a close relationship with my MIL too. I tried very hard to get on with her, to this day I miss the relationship that I should have had with my in laws. As well as the relationship they should have had with our children. If you have a lovely MIL who wants to be involved in your lives, I think that you are crazy to push her away.

ZsaZsa1954 · 12/06/2016 16:39

Dear OH - in 1967 my family (mum, me and two brothers) moved to London to live with my grandparents. However, at the time they also had living with them my mother's youngest brother and his family (five people in all). So that was eleven people, six of them children, in one house. Now, fairness compels me to admit it was an Edwardian semi detached with three official bedrooms and two other rooms that could be pressed into use for bedrooms, but it was still eleven people. My grandparents each had their own rooms and it was taken for granted they couldn't be asked to share, so nine people - six of them children, did you get that? bunked up in three rooms. Do you know how long I shared a room with my mother and two brothers until my uncle and his family moved, OP? I'll tell you. Four months. So please, quit your privileged whining about I can't do this and I can't move that and it doesn't go with the decor. Your MIL is visiting for TWO DAYS. Trust me, you can do it. If you want to, which I strongly suspect you don't. Where is your DP in all this, by the way?

ToadsforJustice · 12/06/2016 16:39

You are getting a lot of grief here OP. I live in a four bed house with one bed in it. This stops any members of my family staying over. Local hotels are available. I do not blame you at all for wanting your MIL to stay at a hotel and visit you on your terms. It's a upheaval if guests want to stay and you have your routine. MIL should fit in around you - not the other way around. .......and a visit every six weeks - you are saint for putting up with it. Three times a year was enough for me.

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