To think if i call social services ...

[IsThisForTheBest]

Then they will support someone in need rather than remove their child?

I ve name changed for this as this is going to be very identifying.

Last week me and dh went to bil house and we got a shock!

Bil has learning difficulties and a brain injury (water on the brain as a baby and has had over 20 operations on his brain)

He has sole custody of his pre teenage son (mother estranded from them)

We have always know his house to be filthy. Dh and his brother was brought up like that and his brother thinks his house is clean. Last week im sure it was worse!

I wouldnt even go to the toilet there or have a brew and i didnt even want to lean back on the sofa! I refuse to take my dd there as he is a heavy smoker too.

He has always been volatile and has behavioural issues. He has an obsession with calling people cunts, twats, faggots etc.

He is forcing his child to call people a faggot in the street etc.

His son has no social skills and has poor speech.

His son has gained approx 2 stone in weight in the last year and when we saw him last week he was very clearly very over weight. He had always been very very slim.

He openly admits to allowing his son to buy big bags of crisps every day after school and only drink cola. No water or anything else.

He doesnt have a social worker. Last week when dh went to the shop with bil, bil was shouting to people in the street calling them a MILF.

He is extremerly vulnerable with money and will offer his bank card out to his neighbours so they can use it!

He has been taken advantage of a few times.

When he was driving he used to drive very irratic around the street and used to think it was funny.

He has since had his licence revoked due to health reasons but did mention he may be getting it back.

I think bil could do with some support (we are 2.5hours away) and im thinking if social services pay him a visit they could put some support in place for him, maybe send him on some courses etc and assign him a social worker.

Dh has gone mad at this idea as he feels ss will just take his son away and he doesnt want that on his conscience. He feels that any stress towards his brother will result in him needing brain surgery again (this does tend to happen when he is under enormous pressure ) and he doesnt want to be responsible for that.

I dont think its wise dh speak to him about the way he behaves and the state of the house as he will be very defensive and volatile towards dh and he just wouldnt get anywhere with him.

Aibu to think he needs social services help and they will give him support rather than take his son away from him?

oh dear
it sounds like the boy needs to live somewhere else I'm afraid.

he must be drinking some water though??

NanaNina that's not the case in my authority. If this referral came in to us we would look at placing the child with family until assessments had been done. We would give the parent a deadline to have the house in order and look at other ways to support while we worked at reunification and would probably assign a family support worker to help with that. If reunification was impossible, we would look at staying with family possibly as a connected persons to give them sone income, or a section 20 into foster care or going for a court order.

Nana I'm fairly sure one of your posts had (not exactly sure on the phrasing so this might be clumsy) that in the office was the mantra that the worst scenario for a child in care was for a boy between 11-14 (or similar)

Not a toddler/little boy. Not able to cope as well as an older teen.Difficult to place and he'd be vunerable to influence.

That phrase really came back to me over and over while my own (beloved) DS grew up.
For this boy, I'd imagine SS will fight hard to help him because sadly, there's limited help out there for him,

My DP is a child care social worker.

Trust me, they do not take kids away willy nilly. It's a last resort if the parents are unable to provide "good enough" parenting. And they don't like having to be doing the court paperwork at 2am and then disturbing their sleeping partners when they stagger to bed 4 hours before getting up and doing it all over again.

I can only echo what others have said. I grew up in a situation where I wondered why no one ever helped me.

It sounds like DN and his dad need support.

Would he be open to you going up and doing a big clean? I say this as I have read thread on here of people have got into such a mess with their home they don't know how to move forward.

I would also inform SS..It helps them build up a picture.

Can you help? Send cleaners in? And then make it clear to SS that you are helping too?

The dirt; gruesome though it sounds, is only the tip of the iceberg in this case.

The cleaning is difficult to raise too. Unless BIL allows it, you will have real problems getting in there to get it done.
(Not the same situation but I have huge problems in my DParents house, trying to tidy and throw things out is really invasive).
Could you persuade him to go out for a day? Let him know what you're doing, so he doesn't think he'll come back to find everything gone?

If he is on board, maybe do one room- the kitchen or the bathroom.
Your DN room

Then once he (hopefully) realises that living in a cleaner house is better than squalor, he might let someone in or do more himself.

(Or you might battle to get one room done and within days its as bad as ever)

yes I completely agree..
However I do think the dad needs help in many ways.. I have no idea how receptive he would be to it.. I do think sometimes there tends to be a response hand it over to the agencies and let then deal with it.

tbh I think cleaning is pointless, he isn't able to maintain it without help
OP I just realised you also mentioned fear of the boy being sent back to his mother but SS will look at why he's living with his dad anyway, so that would not be an option?

To be honest i think its your hubbies call not yours you do it and he will probably never forgive you you need to talk him round xx

He says everybody is like that round there (it is a very deprived area)
Not so. Being in a deprived area is not a reason to behave like that. Many many parents living in deprivation manage to keep their children clean and fed.

To be honest i think its your hubbies call not yours
No - child safety is everyones call.

Isthisforthebest I am sorry your poor nephew is in this situation.

I've read some comments, but not all.

shazzarooney999 Re "To be honest i think its your hubbies call not yours you do it and he will probably never forgive you you need to talk him round"

I think talking your husband round would be great but if not, very very quickly, like tomorrow, I would make the call.

Your husband has no right to judge this is OK for his nephew when, I am guessing, he would clearly feel this is not OK for his own daughter, ask him that! Is that home OK for his own child to live in?

Please help your nephew, he is counting on you.

I am sure social services will help the whole family and it could be a turning point.

Just imagine if (sadly) something happened to you or your dh, and you or your dh were out of the picture. Your dh or you are left alone to care for your dd and whichever of you it is just goes a bit off the rails. Lets things slip. Badly. Your home becomes dirty, your dd not properly cared for and growing up in a very uncomfortable, unhealthy environment.

A relative visits and realises things have gone very bad.

What would you or your dh want them that relative to do?

Please make the call.

Dh wants to talk to bil first about everything.

He has this idea of setting bil targets and if he sticks to it then we will spend £1000 on furniture for him etc.

I think bil wont like that approach.

Bil has recently moved house (within the last 3 months) and he got a £500 cleaning bill from the council because he left the flat in such a state.

Hes been brought up in a dirty house. Mil house is very similar to bil

Stop worrying about your husbands reaction and report it anonymously. Child safety comes first, this kid will have no future unless someone intervenes.

OP the targets need to include feeding the lad properly and I'm not sure how you can keep an eye on that sort of thing.

also the dangerous driving etc...I think targets are no use really. I realise this is a tough spot but I think I'd probably make the call and deal with the fireworks.

Please just report. You can do so anonymously..

How old if your nephew? Pre teenage, at high school? It must be very hard to cope with high school growing up in such an environment.

you can do it anonymously but I think it will be pretty obvious who has done it, hence my comment about dealing with fireworks. Better tell DH you're doing this in the interests of a child.

Is it worth having a chat with school first?

Hes 11

My dd is 11, she goes to high school this autumn. This is a very big time in life, to be dealing with this degree of shit at home will make it really, really hard. Please have compassion on this child and stop worrying about the adult men who have allowed this situation (for whatever reason) to develop.

Adult men's feelings do not trump children's needs!

What a horrible life for a child. I'm surprised you think not upsetting your DH and his brother is more important than giving this boy the chance of a better life. Report it asap.

Nana nina, I respect your experience, but don't accept what you say. If anything, the resources are being moved towards early help/ strengthening families strategies and this is the sort of family who would be supported. In my LW - which is inner city, typically a family in this situation would get some personal help to get the house straight, an outreach worker to befriend and support the child, a mentor in school, all overseen by a SW. There might also be help from adult services.

Eleven year old boy abandoned by his mother and living with a brain damaged father needs help

Family choose to ignore child then bleat to ...

You see where this is going?

Of course you must call SS. It is your duty to do so, why would you leave that poor boy to live like that, neglected and abused. How could you even wonder whether or not to call. Please make that call.

Please stop with all the 'talking to him' and 'setting deadlines' crap.

This child is at risk. Either take him in or ring social services. Preferably both.