To think if i call social services ...

[IsThisForTheBest]

Then they will support someone in need rather than remove their child?

I ve name changed for this as this is going to be very identifying.

Last week me and dh went to bil house and we got a shock!

Bil has learning difficulties and a brain injury (water on the brain as a baby and has had over 20 operations on his brain)

He has sole custody of his pre teenage son (mother estranded from them)

We have always know his house to be filthy. Dh and his brother was brought up like that and his brother thinks his house is clean. Last week im sure it was worse!

I wouldnt even go to the toilet there or have a brew and i didnt even want to lean back on the sofa! I refuse to take my dd there as he is a heavy smoker too.

He has always been volatile and has behavioural issues. He has an obsession with calling people cunts, twats, faggots etc.

He is forcing his child to call people a faggot in the street etc.

His son has no social skills and has poor speech.

His son has gained approx 2 stone in weight in the last year and when we saw him last week he was very clearly very over weight. He had always been very very slim.

He openly admits to allowing his son to buy big bags of crisps every day after school and only drink cola. No water or anything else.

He doesnt have a social worker. Last week when dh went to the shop with bil, bil was shouting to people in the street calling them a MILF.

He is extremerly vulnerable with money and will offer his bank card out to his neighbours so they can use it!

He has been taken advantage of a few times.

When he was driving he used to drive very irratic around the street and used to think it was funny.

He has since had his licence revoked due to health reasons but did mention he may be getting it back.

I think bil could do with some support (we are 2.5hours away) and im thinking if social services pay him a visit they could put some support in place for him, maybe send him on some courses etc and assign him a social worker.

Dh has gone mad at this idea as he feels ss will just take his son away and he doesnt want that on his conscience. He feels that any stress towards his brother will result in him needing brain surgery again (this does tend to happen when he is under enormous pressure ) and he doesnt want to be responsible for that.

I dont think its wise dh speak to him about the way he behaves and the state of the house as he will be very defensive and volatile towards dh and he just wouldnt get anywhere with him.

Aibu to think he needs social services help and they will give him support rather than take his son away from him?

It sounds like being removed from his care would be a blessing for your dn . How could SS possibly equip your BIL with the skills to parent a young child?

Get all the facts together - name, date of birth, address, parents names and dates of birth.

Bullet point your concerns and email them across from an anonymous email account.

floggingmolly that's where the partnership working with adult social services would come in as they can support him to be a parent in light of his disabilities

The fact is, you won't let your daughter in there.

If it isn't good enough for YOUR child, why is it for any child?

(Sounds like a prequel to Martyn Pig!)

No-one can guarantee that SS won't remove your nephew from your BIL.

But your nephew is a child. And the priority must be to keep him safe. If SS can support your BIL to do this, great. But if he can't, then the best thing for your nephew may be for him to be removed.

If you're happy to take your nephew in, that may be a good option. But would your DH be willing to stand up to his brother if your BIL said he wanted his son back?

I'm glad to read that you would take your nephew in. He is being badly damaged whilst left to live with his dad.

Your BIL is obviously in need of help.

What life do you imagine the little boy is enduring living like that?

Your DH needs to step up and help his nephew.

Please call Social Services OP, your nephew must come first. The conditions you describe are terrible for this child.

I don't think anyone can say how ss will respond for sure but if they do take the child away it is because he needs to be for his welfare and that is the most important thing.

You need to get help for your nephew . Do it anonymously if needs be. Sounds very sad and needs intervention asap .
Could you invite your nephew to stay with you for summer holidays ?

When you call make it clear that you would have your nephew and facilitate appropriate contact while BIL works on his parenting skills.

Or at least have him for a few weekends so he can see that not everyone lives like that and he had a wider family who love and care for him?

Your poor nephew. SS try to support before trying to remove. Even then a decision to remove is made by a judge and there is a whole process to go through. Your nephew deserves to have a decent childhood.

I am a social worker and I would strongly recommend that u make referral. Social services would look to support your brother in law and nephew. 'If' and I am saying if, there was a situation where they felt that the child could not live with his father, they would look to family first. They would hold something called a family group conference where they explored who in family could offer care and support.

I am happy if you want to p.m me but please make the referral

Yeah call SS taking children away is last resort they will do all they can to help. Sounds like it's needed

Done be more worried about offending your husband than helping the child.
Just dont tell your husband you phoned them.

^Don't.

Hi - I'm a foster carer. I would definitely refer, and I think they would both get support, as your BIL isn't being deliberately abusive, and there is lots of room for change. However, if things can't be improved, they may ask you or your nephew's mum to take him on a temporary basis ( or any other family). Families can be offered intensive support at home, the children who come to me have often had intensive support for several years before they come into care.

SS ASAP. The child always comes first. Sod hurting anyone's feelings. 2 stone in a year... 20 stone in a decade. If YOU don't act then it won't be on DH's conscience, it'll be on yours.

I wonder how he managed to pass a driving test if he's dangerous behind the wheel.

That poor boy (I had thought he was teenage but just re-read and saw he's pre teen)

How is he when you speak to him- does he just accept his home because that's what he's used to ( if that's true) or more likely , is he embaressed at the thought of bringing friends home, are his clothes smoky and soiled?
The fact his Dad makes him be verbally abusive (against his will) to complete strangers shows he's uncomfortable with the situation.
The weight gain could be comfort eating to blott things out.

He does need you to step in. Yes your BIL needs help and most likely won't ask. But your DN urgently needs help.
I'm really that your DH thinks its "okay because everyone lives like that"

Please call social services. It sounds like a vulnerable adult who is unable without help to meet the needs of their child - if you will, unintentional neglect. It sounds like they have fallen through the net. Help now may well be able to support the pair of them to stay together safely. Wait for it to deteriorate further, and the odds of lasting home to the child, or needing to go into care, or both, will almost certainly go up.

There's a serious lack of foster and residential care for kids, and the outcomes aren't great: in the absence of physical injury, they generally try bloody hard to keep kids with the family.

I am a retired social worker/manager with some 30 years experience, all in Children's Services - retired in 2009. You say OP your nephew is "pre teen" - what is his exact age?

I know everyone is talking about support and keeping the family together and that used to be the way things worked. Sadly the situation has changed over time, and the fact is SWs are trying to deliver a service whilst battling with case loads that are utterly overwhelming. Many LA Children's Services are trying to cope with a 25% vacancy rate, more in the inner cities. Many SWs (especially those in safeguarding) are wanting to get out and are suffering mental health problems. This is also true for managers. The main reason for this is because the Tories have slashed the budgets of all pubic services, but at the same time demand an improved service - can't be done.

I have it on good authority that there are some LAs who are openly admitting that they cannot go to court for permission to remove a child from an unsafe home because they don't have the resources to cope, in terms of funding or competent experienced social workers/managers.

I don't know about your BIL as I have never worked in Adult Services but it sounds as if his condition is deteriorating, though again, I'm not at all sure what can be done, as he is an adult and can make his own decisions, even if they are bizarre. He cannot be sectioned under the Mental Health Act unless he is a danger to himself or others, and that doesn't seem to be the case.

OK back to your nephew, before SWs can go to court to request a child is removed from the parent, they have to have evidence that he is suffering significant harm, and from what you described this is not the case. Neither are they going to be getting involved with your BIL and nephew because the toilet is dirty, sofa dirty, boy overweight and allowed to at crisps every day!!

I am always surprised at how people think SWs can support the family and "keep an eye" on things - we were always being asked to do that. People do have their civil liberties and they cannot be trampled on without evidence, as I have tried to describe.

If I dare say so, 2.5 hours isn't a very long way at all and I wonder why your DH (and possibly you) can't be the ones to support this man and your nephew. Could DH not clean up or take his brother out while you cleaned up, and offered what support you could to your nephew. There is nothing in your post about his views??

They will have to asses whether the son is at risk from significant harm from his parenting/home environment. If they feel he is they will most likely put him on the child protection register and assign some sort of family intervention worker (FIP or family action) they will not just remove him they will work to find ways of supporting the parent first.

His son does have friends round afaik.

They stink, they like to cuddle you goodbye and it knocks me sick.

Dn doesnt know me really. I have only seen him approx 3-4 times in 5 years. Same for dh.

Dh is also worried about ss contacting dn mother. There have been issues with her bf and his treatment of dn in the past and now they are no contact so dh is worried he will go to his mum first.