To think DD should buy her own clothes?

[realhousewifeoffitzrovia]

My DD, 15, currently wears a uniform to school. The girls were told about six months ago that they no longer needed to wear a uniform beginning in Year 11 (this September). In terms of pocket money, we agreed two years ago on an amount that we would pay her every month that would cover all her costs - phone, clothes, Oyster card, hair cuts and spending money. She also has a weekly tutoring job that pays £10 an hour, but because she has had exams recently, she has been swamped with work and was unable to go until now.

Like any teenager, she has many clothes but as her style is frequently changing, she is attempting to sell her old clothes, which she says is difficult. She also says there is pressure in her school to have a "unique" style (not designer, more funky) . She has just suggested that I should take her out shopping and buy her a few staple items for next year that she can wear throughout. In my view, this is exactly what she agreed to be responsible for when we agreed her monthly budget. She thinks I am being quite unfair. What do you think?

'Unique style'
Aww, I used to trek through Oxfam shops and then remake the clothes at home with a sewing machine. Happy days.

Misses point entirely..

My DSs, 16 & 18 get a similar amount from XH each month. I buy their boots, jackets and basics (pjs), I also pay for guitar strings - a lot and frequently! Toiletries get thrown in with the Tesco shop unless it's DS1 who buys his weird hair products himself. But he dresses like an Anime figure.

I'm amazed how many people think you should go out and buy her clothes when you have already agreed with her she should have the cash instead. The fact that she's now wearing her own clothes to school shouldn't require a massive revision of the budget but a consideration of where she shops and how she buys. You can get a lot of high street fashion at reasonable prices and individualized your style with accessories. I have the same agreement with my 15 yr old and she opted for a cash deal than a 'ask mummy' arrangement when she wants stuff. She spends more than I would on some stuff, some of her choices she's regretted straight away but that was what I expected as its how you learn. As for the sandwich drink example I think some people are being deliberately judgemental - once you take the budgeting approach you are learning about value for money. My kids have done both splash out on take away food or do a treat shop at M and S to take with to airports/school trips. Unless you see yourselves subsidising your kids into their 40s you're never too young to start learning about money. Life doesn't always offer certainty as a single parent now (which definitely wasn't my life plan) I don't have £200 a month for my personal spends. That won't be forever and I have been better off before - I'm very glad I know how to budget and that I haven't gone credit card crazy because I think I'm entitled. I imagine there's plenty of treats in yr DD life and if she can join in this debate with you then you clearly have a pretty good relationship which is an achievement in the teen yrs. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I detect the same difficulty in myself, OP, as I grew up in huge anxiety about money whereas my DD has never known anything but comfort & financial security.

But being miserly in little ways and generous in big ways isn't teaching your DD much about how to manage money. When you're hard up, economising on lots of little things achieves very little, compared with cutting out holidays, working lots of overtime, giving up the car and so on.

I think as the time approaches for DD to leave home I'm going to be more open with her about how we manage our money and how much her lifestyle costs. But it's always going to be a difficult subject for me.

Interesting point, Savesome. I do buy her school shoes and PE shoes, but not the (many other!) pairs of shoes she gets. She loves her some shoes! We also bought her outfit and shoes for her Holy Communion a couple of years ago. I would be open to discussing the monthly amount but I wonder whether other posters' opinions would change if I did - would it mean that she should be now responsible for any "wants", or would it not change the essential message that I should not sweat the small costs?

She probably now has far more clothes than she actually wears on the weekend. So she can just wear the clothes she's got more.

Are you insane savesome? After bills and rent I have 200 left to live on including the weekly food shop and clothes for home and work. I still manage to save some each month. To say a teenagers can't clothe herself on half that is nuts. She HAS clothes just not the kind she wants. Tough. That's life. You live within your means. She has everything she needs and extras are a luxury.

Manon, she definitely has more clothes than she can wear - they are just "basic" which apparently is a bad thing in her circle of teenage street fashionistas. In fairness to her, she is not into labels or designer stuff but she is into volume, choice and turnover!

I think I would agree to buy some a "wardrobe basics" in this situation - with the proviso that these basics are subject to a parental veto. Her allowance should continue to fund the fashion items.

My 15 year old has a small allowance from which she funds some clothes purchases. She also goes to a school withh no uniform and I will pay for wardrobe basics - jeans, a winter coat, underwear - but she has to fund any fashion items that she wants.

I agree you're never too young to learn budgeting.

What I learnt from clothing myself for school:

Choose classic styles that don't date
Choose fabrics that will last
Scoot around to get it for less

When all my schoolfriends' parents were buying them cowboy boots at £100+ a throw (this was back in the 80s), I found an amazing pair in a clothes' agency (no ebay back then) brand new, gorgeous £20.

I wore Levi's 501s to school, white shirt/t-shirt, DMs & cowboy boots. I had a supercool leather coat that I bought in Notting Hill Housing Trust for a tenner.

When I was 17 I worked to save up for an amazing designer jacket. I was so proud of it.

Budgeting makes you creative.

I think at 15 it's fair to buy a staple wardrobe, jeans, underwear, pyjamas, stuff like that.

Anything else she can find herself.

In fairness to her, she is not into labels or designer stuff but she is into volume, choice and turnover!

Fine, then she needs to get a job.

If I had been given that option as a teen I might have chosen it too - actually no - even by 15 I had learnt the value of money enough that pained me to buy things that I didn't wear - (a lesson that, as a comparatively wealthy adult, I still hold to) - but the fact was that my all my parents' money was going on school fees and music lessons, and there wasn't any spare cash to indulge a high turnover of clothes.

It's a crap pattern to get into anyway - high turnover of cheap high street tat - there are a lot of women who do it as adults and they have to learn the hard way.

My eldest used to get £175 a month and out of that she would get everything she wanted.

Food/toiletries/family days out/glasses/school trips were all covered. If she didn't fancy eating at home or using the same toothpaste/soap/shower gel as the household had then she would get it herself.

If she wanted to waste money on take out coffee or smoothies then that would be her choice but it would have been made very clear to her that unless we were on an outing and everybody else was having one brought for them then she would be funding hers and once her money was gone it was gone.

I'd go with her and buy some staples, equivalent to school uniform. Eg a decent pair of shoes, pair of trousers, a skirt and a couple of tops and cardi or jumper. And a 'school bag'. And then that's it. Have you introduced her to the joys of ebay yet?

I think you're being unfair and should buy her some clothes.

I can't believe that so many think Op should just buy her daughter some (more) clothes!

Daughter's been given money to buy what she wants, has more stuff than she can wear & still wants more!

Op, tell her to wear what she has or continue in her uniform!!

How much would you spend on uniform? Surely only going to add £10/20 per month onto her budget?

i think the only use going shopping with her would serve is to provide a 'model' for discriminating shopping. For example, DD (13), though she likes to shop as much as the next girl, will actively reject a top that is badly finished or in a cheap and shiny material that will wear badly, and will not buy something that she already has more than enough of - because she has had that behaviour modelled for her, and on the occasions that she has not done that, she has seen the consequences.

Its really very simple.
OP paid for clothes dd wore five days a week - school uniform.
School no longer requires uniform but dd cannot go in naked.
Therefore, OP spends a similar amount of money as she spent on uniform, on non-uniform clothes to wear for school.
The dd's earnings and allowance are not affected by this. She still buys her own leisure wear.
Insisting the dd buys all her own clothes from her allowance and earnings would mean a substantial extra cost for her, with no additional income to cover it. That would be mean.
The OP is not losing out by using uniform money for non-uniform school clothes.

Depends what she thinks staples are to be honest. If we're talking £23 New Look jeans, a few plain t shirts and some ballet flats then she can afford those out of her allowance. If she wants an All Saints leather jacket, some Levi's from Urban Outfitters and some 90 quid Nike Air Theas then those are not school necessities!

Starry.

There is no way i could survive on that. Well i could but id feel like i was in poverty.

Op

If you can afford to give her more then do so. Or you buy any clothes on top of the monthly allowance.

I had 2 pairs of trousers for none school days and they were black trousers and about 3 tops.

I hated having so little and now will not skrimp on clothes etc unless i really really had to

I think that you are right to try ad teach her the value of money and that certain things like Pret a Manger sandwiches are a luxury that a 15 year old shouldn't be expecting as a matter of course. I'm not sure that you should necessarily just be shelling out to buy her new clothes for school. Could you agree that over the summer holidays she will help out with some extra jobs around the house - eg cooking dinner some nights of the week, doing some ironing etc to earn credits towards a shopping trip near the end of the holiday. Then you could teach her how to put together a wardrobe with a few well made basics that will mix and match. How much she gets depends on how much effort she has put in over the summer?

"Insisting the dd buys all her own clothes from her allowance and earnings would mean a substantial extra cost for her, with no additional income to cover it. That would be mean."

Ah, not. The latest posts from OP have clarified that - her non-uniform school clothes are exactly what she already has, and she has far more than she needs for weekends, plenty to cover the week as well.

The fact that she has had sufficient money from her existing allowance to build up this number of clothes has muddied the waters - I agree that if she had 2 day's worth of clothes and now needed 7, the situation would be different. My DS, for example, has no more clothes than he absolutely needs, so the advent of non-uniform would mean significant purchases - but this is not the case for OP.

I think you're very generous and are preparing her well for adult life. I also like that you didn't buy the pret sandwich. You're really teaching her real life lessons, which is so useful. I could have done with this, it's taken me a long time to learn to budget as I didn't have this responsibility (probably as we had so little money growing up). I would get her a coat and school bag, the rest is well covered in the allowance.

It sounds like you've done a great job teaching her how to be responsible with money. You're good at lessons. But let this one go...