To think DD should buy her own clothes?

[realhousewifeoffitzrovia]

My DD, 15, currently wears a uniform to school. The girls were told about six months ago that they no longer needed to wear a uniform beginning in Year 11 (this September). In terms of pocket money, we agreed two years ago on an amount that we would pay her every month that would cover all her costs - phone, clothes, Oyster card, hair cuts and spending money. She also has a weekly tutoring job that pays £10 an hour, but because she has had exams recently, she has been swamped with work and was unable to go until now.

Like any teenager, she has many clothes but as her style is frequently changing, she is attempting to sell her old clothes, which she says is difficult. She also says there is pressure in her school to have a "unique" style (not designer, more funky) . She has just suggested that I should take her out shopping and buy her a few staple items for next year that she can wear throughout. In my view, this is exactly what she agreed to be responsible for when we agreed her monthly budget. She thinks I am being quite unfair. What do you think?

I'm glad you realise YABU

She sounds extremely fortunate. If you can afford stuff, why wouldn't you give it to her? Withholding clothes and smoothies isn't teaching her the value of money. This is learned by relating to how it's earned (and she has a part time job so will be learning this) and seeing her situation in perspective, eg realising some DC, like mine, have never been on a plane!

As long as she appreciates how fortunate she is, I would be as reasonably generous as you can.

Teaching her to budget/be sensible is fine, but you can't expect her budget of say £100/month to suddenly cover a huge new expense when it never covered it before.

As her parent, it's your responsibility to buy her uniform/school equipment. That clothing might no longer be a "uniform", but that doesn't absolve you, as her parent, of your responsibiity to provide her with the replacement clothes.

You can either:

• increase her allowance to cover the new clothes she'll need
• take her shopping to buy some "staple" items for her to wear for school and increase her allowance a tiny amount so she can buy some extra nice bits and pieces as they wear out.
• take responsibility for all school-related clothing and give her money everytime she needs new clothes for schools.

You can't expect her old budget to now cover clothes for an extra, say 40 hours a week of wear. She's not an adult getting a wage, she's a teenager that you're still responsible for.

I think life doesn't work like that - if my expenses go up, my boss doesn't suddenly give me a raise, and I think she has enough time to plan for this.

Is this your employee or your 15 year old child you're talking about??

I don't understand why you're being precious about stating the exact allowance your daughter gets. I'm thinking it must £199.99 a month.

Having said that, I'm tended to think she should have paid for her own Pret sandwich in the circumstances described.

I think you are being a bit mean, she sounds like such a good kid.

If you can afford it why not treat her to some new clothes? (and a smoothie)

Pretty soon she will have moved out, have her own busy life and there will be days you will wish she was around to go for an afternoon of shopping and smoothies.

Trust accept the fact that your DC's will be parasites until you turn up your toes and open your purse

How much would the "staples" that she wants compare to buying a new uniform?

Jesus christ , buy your child some clothes and dont be arguing about who is going to buy her sandwich.

Petty and horrible. You arent teaching her a budget, you are being petty and miserly.

That being said if you are giving your DD £200per month I would tell her to whistle for it...

if my expenses go up, my boss doesn't suddenly give me a raise

No, but you are in a position to change your job, or you could move to a cheaper place, change your life in all sorts of ways which are not available as an option for a child of compulsory school age.

'cos of that, she's very reasonable to renegotiate your deal based on the unforeseen change in circumstances.

You do need to increase her budget to cover clothes but I don't think you are at all wrong to want to prevent the sense of entitlement and totally bonkers concept of money that can develop in the circles you're talking about. Rather than 'depriving' your daughter of what you can afford to provide, perhaps encouraging her to get involved with local charitable projects/organisations/fundraising could be an option. Only if she is actually interested of course...

Compromise - the school uniform has changed, but imagine that it's changed to something else but also uniform that you had to buy, or say she's grown/gone up a dress size and you had to buy a whole new set. I'd price up a full uniform set replacement, she gets that as a one off for the start of next year.

Must say you've got off lightly if she's been able to wear the same school clothes for a couple of years, many dcs are still growing at that age and would need complete new clothes every 6 months. (Was listening to a friend complain about her fast growing ds who has to wear suits to school and who's trousers are too far up his shin again having only been bought at Christmas, fearing dressing boys at that age!)

You should probably teach her a lesson re.conforming to fit in. Just because other people are "funky" or want to stand out she doesn't have to! Don't follow trends, be yourself.

Does she go to school by train that she needs £20 on Oyster. Yes, I also pay for my DD's phone.

What my parents did for me in the same circumstances was go shopping with me (or send me shopping for) a set of the type of basics that were 'necessary' but which a teen might decide weren't 'worth spending money on if more exciting things were available' - a warm coat, smart shoes, decent underwear. They then gave me a clothes allowance that was sufficient for me to buy the rest, and they expected me to steer the tricky course between 'clothes I might have liked for weekends / evenings' and 'appropriate clothes for school'.

What actually happened - that I made most of my own clothes and thus saved up enough money to pay substantially for the first part of my gap year - was perhaps unexpected but definitely a useful life lesson!

Enough has been said on the clothes, but I'll pitch in with support on the sandwich!
You offered to make her one, she said no. She wanted one at the airport - where you pay a premium - and has a very healthy pocket money including snacks budget - damn right she pays!

It doesn't sound like you were arguing at the airport either - sounded like you both have a good relationship and you were pointing out that it was her choice to end up with the more expensive option.

I don't think we can say without knowing how much. My 15 year old gets 40 a month from us and also has a very well paid job. We buy all his basic clothes (he can top up if he wants to- he contributed to his winter coat because he wanted a more expensive one than I would have bought) and all his school stuff. I don't think their earnings should affect pocket money- even though he earns well I still give him what I would give if he didn't. His earnings are extra- or what's the point of him working?

I'm with the majority-spend the money you would have spent on yearly uniform on a few staples for your daughter! Your agreement was made 2 years ago on the basis that she wore a school uniform-obviously circumstances have changed so your agreement should vary to reflect that. It is in no way comparable to your boss giving you a raise-if your expenses go up that has nothing to do with your boss and a raise would mean less profit for the boss/company. This is not the case here, as you'd just be spending what you'd be spending on uniform anyway. If you work out this amount and spend no more than that on staple pieces your daughter is still learning the value of living within a budget. Interesting what you said about the contact lenses being optional so you debated whether to buy them. For me, wearing contacts was a big boost to self esteem as I hated glasses. I was made to save up for contacts myself and I always resented that, as they made such a big difference to my confidence, yet my mum wouldn't buy them even though she knew I was unhappy wearing glasses. FWIW your daughter sounds very mature and grounded for 15

FFS give her some money. Poor girl. She's asking for staples to wear to school, not a Mercedes.

It's actually fairly easy to sort this out....If come September she was wearing a uniform still, would you be buying it? If yes, then you need to buy her a reasonable amount of basic school wear, matching what you would have bought if it were uniform.

So say, if you would have bought her 3 skirts, 2 pairs of trousers, 5 shirts and 2 jumpers, then you should buy her the equivalent in casual clothes. Anything over that [like the extra skirt she wanted previously] should be on her.

You don't get to swerve the responsibility just because she no longer needs a set uniform.

Yeah, sorry, another YABU. I give my kids pocket money each month and from age 13 they buy their own clothes, pay for socialising, haircuts, presents for others, etc. But I buy uniform and school shoes - when my older girls went into the sixth form and didn't have to wear uniform, I took them out and bought them about 5 days' worth of outfits (and shoes still) so they had enough stuff to wear. It just makes sense, surely?

My eldest didn't get a job, and dd2 didn't get one until y13 - I did stop giving her pocket money then, but I've been saving it each month for her and will use some of it to buy uni supplies for her this summer and give her the rest for books etc.

Alternative View

Your daughter sounds eminently sensible, you have obviously grought her up well. That the two of you are discussing this reinforces that idea.

That she is sat next to you smiling (smirking?) as the YABUs roll in show that she is also a typical teen and wants her bread buttered on both sides

I don't think you are reneging on a deal, I think you have both recongised that the situation has changed and neither of you is in agreement on how/if your previous agreement covered this change.

You have no need whatsoever to give her the amount you would have spent on a new uniform - she has plenty of clothes and I am willing to bet many of them have been barely worn....

To your DD do you have any interest in sewing/altering clothes to make them more 'funky'? If so you could take this opportunity to learn a new skill over summer. Charity shops for sacrifical lamb clothes - chop 'em up and see what happens. You'll find some great stuff in some of the shops in posher areas, have a look. Don't forget vintage shops and frock exhanges... you will be suprised what you can find.

Try Pinterest for ideas - be warned thought, there are loads of sites!

realhousewife maybe a sewing machine and pins etc would be a good way of using that uniform money?!?! Second hand from your local sewing machine shop, DD can talk to them about what she needs/wants.

Either way, even acknowledging that times have changed, the idea that you owe your DD any money is odd. You owe her to continue as you have been, discussing the difference between what she wants and what she needs and accommodating her needs. Let her work out how to save/spend her money on her 'wants'

Gosh op they have laid into you today!!

I love the idea of giving the uniform cost towards her new clothes.

Your intentions were good and that is all that matters. That is what your child will take from it and that is all I will.

I think you sound like a great mum real and that is reflected in your daughter who seems to be quite mature and responsible for 15yrs, kudos to you for acknowledging that you have been a bit overzealous on this matter.

I agree on working out what staples she needs for school and the average price of those items and go shopping together with a clear idea of what she needs and how how much money she has to work with.

I totally agree with you on the sandwich / smoothie front too btw!!

She is a very lucky girl to have so many fantastic opportunities, I hope she sincerely appreciates them all.

I even tell her not to order $4 smoothies as part of a meal when we go out

What do you drink when you have a meal out? Tap water?

You're not being petty; you're being miserly and I can't fathom why anyone who's not short of a bob or two, as the saying goes, would seek to inflict any deprivation they endured during their young years on their dc.