To think DD should buy her own clothes?

[realhousewifeoffitzrovia]

My DD, 15, currently wears a uniform to school. The girls were told about six months ago that they no longer needed to wear a uniform beginning in Year 11 (this September). In terms of pocket money, we agreed two years ago on an amount that we would pay her every month that would cover all her costs - phone, clothes, Oyster card, hair cuts and spending money. She also has a weekly tutoring job that pays £10 an hour, but because she has had exams recently, she has been swamped with work and was unable to go until now.

Like any teenager, she has many clothes but as her style is frequently changing, she is attempting to sell her old clothes, which she says is difficult. She also says there is pressure in her school to have a "unique" style (not designer, more funky) . She has just suggested that I should take her out shopping and buy her a few staple items for next year that she can wear throughout. In my view, this is exactly what she agreed to be responsible for when we agreed her monthly budget. She thinks I am being quite unfair. What do you think?

Phone
Haircuts
Clothes
Oyster card
Gifts for family
Trips with mates
Cosmetics
Food if out and about

Without knowing the exact figure (between 40 and 200 could be anything) it's difficult to say but it seems like she has quite a lot of expenses to meet from her "pocket money" - some of which are essentials rather than discretionary. I think you are possibly being U and a little unfair expecting her money to stretch to all this and leaving her without discretionary spending, again without the figure it's hard to tell though! I would do an exact of what each of these items cost over a month.

We have had the same problem. With hindsight, I would either provide a monthly "allowance" for essentials like clothes to be worn to school, coats, shoes, underwear etc, hair, travel, phone etc or pay for them yourself (but set an agreed budget). Then weekly "pocket money" is for discretionary spending like trips to cinema with mates, cosmetics, clothes above the "basics" (like American Horror Story T shirts for mine ). One of mine spends her PM weekly, the other saves it up and buys more expensive stuff.

It's a lot easier this way as you know that her allowance is enough to cover essentials and her pocket money is for treats but it also teaches them to budget and also to save if required. It also prepares them for the real world of being paid either monthly or weekly and how to manage both.

With regards to food out, if we are out and need food over a normal meal time, or we are out at our instigation for a trip we pay. If they want say a Starbucks coffee at 11am in town when we are grocery shopping, they pay.

With regards to clothes, we pay for the essentials like school shoes, trainers/boots, coats, underwear, and basic wardrobe essentials like jeans and tops. We normally give them a set amount for this so they can choose what they would like and say one wants an £££ coat they will pick cheaper jeans, the other wants more £££ shoes and buys a cheaper coat. If they want to buy more "fashion" stuff ( like a Harry Potter Jumper from primark) they use their pocket money. If we have any spare money I will often buy them stuff on Amazon (especially New Look) which I know they will like and just give it to them.

They cost us a fucking fortune but that's having multiple teens for you! DH also has a thing about buying them £££ trainers/shoes as he didn't have them himself when young so I accept this. I like charity shop clothes luckily and we don't smoke or drink so even though we are on a tight budget the DC have as much as we can give them. It's less than a lot of their friends but more than some. They know that we give them as much as we can and they do seem to appreciate it most of the time

I think you are trying to help her an teach her. But I think you have taken it to far.

Your boss doesn't give you a raise if your expenses go up, no - but you're not her boss, you're her mum. She is 15, a child in every sense of the word even if one approaching adulthood, and you are responsible for providing her with the things she needs. The money you give her for her expenses is you doing that, just indirectly because she hands it over to the cashier instead of you. The budget was based on her only needing clothes for two days a week and evenings, now she needs clothes for seven days, and you need to provide that. Whether you do it directly by taking her shopping or indirectly by giving her money is up to you, but it's not fair to move the goalposts by saying this needs to come out of the existing budget.

My dd's would find budgeting to cover all their costs including clothes a huge challenge at age 15. Budgeting is a skill and develops over time. My dd's receive a modest amount each week which they use for socialising and buying rubbish. I pay for clothes, travel, phone etc. However, my eldest dd aged 18 can just about budget all of her expenses, but that took a while and there were quite a few tears along the way when she ran out of money.

Sorry OP, I think YABU. Of course learning to budget is important - but I think begrudging a fifteen year old a sandwich or a smoothie is a step too far!

The agreement was that she would pay for weekend clothes, not school clothes. You should buy her school stuff or up her allowance accordingly.

She is 15. She has an entire lifetime ahead of her to worry about budgeting and earning and who pays for what and saving and bills. Let her be a teenager. Yes, teach her how to budget, give her responsibility, but you have taken it too far.

Your responsibility is to feed and clothe your kids. If you give her the pocket money so she can choose and learn budgeting, that is fine. But when she asked for "some staples" in lieu of uniform for next year you were really mean to tell her to find the money out of the arrangement that was made two years ago.

Also, costs rise. Things get more expensive. Have you increased the budget since it was agreed two years ago?

Your comment about her boss not increasing pay is ridiculous. She is 15. You are her mother, not her boss. You are not in a for profit organisation. She is your child.

I can't even comment on the pettiness of the sandwich at the airport and the £2 smoothie.

I took so long to type this that I crossed with your other posts. YABU. I see this type of attitude in some of my DC's friends parents and interestingly it's always the ones I consider to be well off - certainly with more money than us! To me it seems very petty and begrudging.

I think one thing that helped us with DH and I both had very different financial childhoods - I was fortunate enough to have a large allowance and plenty of paid for clothes and hobbies etc. DH was the complete opposite so we balance each other out in regards to our DC.

They're not dependent children or teens for long and to me it's nice to give them whatever you can afford and for them to be happy as possible. I also think it's important for them to be aware how much this costs in real life - my DC are going on their first holiday abroad with school and they know DH has been working extra hours to pay for this. So they really appreciate it and aren't spoilt. IMHO DC get spoilt not from the amount they get, but theirs and our attitude towards it. They should know money is hard earned and be respectful of this.

I think you're being very sensible in having her be responsible for her money and spending - that'l stand her in good stead when she goes to university.

I agree that her need for "own clothes" has gone from 2 days a week (+ some evenings) to 7 days a week so you should either buy her some clothes or up the budget.

real I understand where you're coming from, my economic circumstances have changed a great deal over the years. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you, I was trying perhaps to push you into seeing things that you are obviously seeing. I have an ASC so changing my mind really is damned hard, I understand that too, but two points: if you're teaching her economic life lessons, don't push too hard, let her choose, if she wants the milk shake, fine, but before she orders, explain the consequences of the purchase, gently, and let her choose. The other point is, whilst your boss is unlikely to change things if your economic status changes, it is likely that you get an annual pay rise. (I know not everyone does, but most do).

I agree that, if you can afford it, you should give her extra.

I had an allowance as a teen to cover all my expenses. Parents bought me school uniform and school shoes and glasses. I budgeted and paid for books, socialising, clothes, other shoes and so on. There were general toiletries bought with the weekly shop but if I wanted anything else then I bought it myself and I did used to buy my own shampoo and stuff. Oh and my phone, mobiles were just starting and I bought my own phone and paid my own credit. I think it is a great system. Of course all teens are different and while I saved and budgeted well my sister was always broke

As for clothes I would perhaps agree an extra one off amount for some staples eg a couple of pairs of trousers and a few tops.

I wonder if your DD is going to suggest asking the Mumsnet jury every time you disagree in the future

Is there a 3rd way here, eg an opportunity to earn more money to pay for school clothes?

Please take her out and buy the staples.

She hasn't had any new uniform from you for the last 2 years by the sound of it.

You really are moving the goal posts for her. Did you seriously expect her to budget buying new school clothes out of her allowance? That is grossly unfair.

Thanks, Dawn. I think you are right that explaining the consequences is a good way of teaching this lesson. I also think I am being "penny wise and pound foolish" in my approach. She goes to a fee-paying school, goes on all the school trips, goes to summer camp in Canada every summer - and here I am wasting time trying to teach her about the value of a smoothie. I also need to realise that (almost) everyone has a higher standard of living than we did 35 years ago, when we owned maybe two pairs of jeans and a few jumpers!

You are being ridiculous. If she is going from wearing a uniform to wearing 'own clothes' then she will need more clothes and you shouldn't be nailing her down to some sort of contract she entered into at 13. Liking your relationship to that of boss and employee is fucked up beyond all imagining, and I say this as a parent who would have also been petty about an airport sandwich. My children are no pampered princesses but ffs, get the kid a coat and some jeans and shoes for school.

Presumably she has enough clothes to wear- it's peer pressure that is making her want more/different stuff.

Perhaps she should have her own style by adapting what she has & not wearing anothing "uniform"-one dicated by peer pressure!

Can you both look at/review her monthly outgoings, see if they're reasonable and look at what she has available each month for clothes? Sounds like she could try harder to sell her unwanted clothes (online, car boot etc). Perhaps you can reach a compromise.

I should also point out that we can afford to pay for these clothes. That is not the issue here. The issue was me trying to teach her a lesson which the (almost unanimous) MN jury has determined to be inappropriate

I agree with Goblin on the first page. Whatever you would have usually spent on school uniform, spend it on her for sensible, non-fashion clothes. For example, new jeans or a warm winter coat when the weather changes. If she wants to keep up with every silly little trend, or to stop wearing perfectly good clothes because her favourite celebrity isn't wearing them anymore, then her money should be paying for that. As a mum, you have a duty to make sure that she has enough warm and appropriate clothes. You don't have a duty to make sure that she keeps up with celeb fads and to look "funky".

Oh, I forgot to add - you aren't responsible for designer labels either! Next is good for staples like jeans.

I buy DS and DD clothes once a season, they choose what they want and I pay. School uniform is extra, now that DS doesn't wear uniform I spend the same on his clothes. If they want extras they buy them out of their own money unless I can afford it at the time.

" As a mum, you have a duty to make sure that she has enough warm and appropriate clothes. You don't have a duty to make sure that she keeps up with celeb fads and to look "funky"."

I agree with that.

Has she no "staples" at all then?

Everything she currently owns is unsuitable for school?

Of course you should be buying her clothes. I'm amazed you'd think otherwise.