To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

DH and I (first wedding for both of us) booked our wedding in Greece with the plan of saying we were going on holiday and coming back married....then as the time approached felt bad for our parents....so told everyone we are getting married here at this time....come along if you want.....those who wanted to (20 people in total) booked themselves a holiday nerby, and came along on the day we had a lovely service, meal in local restaurant (just split bill between us all) and then a brilliant night of drinking and dancing......threw a party when we came home. Family still talk about how great it was now, 10 years on, and dad still jokes about the fact he didn't have to pay for it all

Two weeks ago I got married in Cornwall. My second marriage, his first. My dc, their partners, dgc and my God mother. We had a surprisingly emotional and truly lovely ceremony in a registry office midway through a weeks holiday. It was fabulous and I don't regret our decision at all. Family and friends have been fine. We plan a party in the summer and will invite lots to that. Solves the present problem too....Our house is bursting with stuff so no kindly meant gifts are wanted.
Having said that.....could you do something similar with only very immediate family attending?

Both OH and my family know that I do not want a wedding, I think my friend's think I'm joking. When he finally pulls his finger out and proposes he knows where I want to get married. I have no interest in a wedding but being married is important and I really don't care if anyone feels offended because it's none of their business. I would though plan a big meal out to celebrate with friends and family afterwards, no speeches, no fancy dresses and no fucking wedding favours!

My cousin had a gorgeous wedding. Village hall, bunting, cakes and sandwiches.
There were 50 people there. They asked guests to bake cupcakes instead of bringing a gift and they themselves made loads of sandwiches. They had no formal seating plan and bought loads of wine on sale or return.
Everyone just sat around chatting, eating cake and drinking wine. Was perfect.

Sounds perfect to me. I'd also never be offended by not being asked for money!

DPs mother is one of 8 siblings.
My mother is one of 11 siblings.
DP has one sibling.
I have 5 silblings.
Mumsnetters you do not have to be mathematicians to calculate the potential number of relatives this adds up too...spouses +children, cousins +spouses+children, nephews/nieces+spouses+children etc. etc.
Friends were not even factored into the equation.
Eloped we did without looking back and with no regrets.
We ran away to romantic Gretna Green, just the two of us, pulling 2 strangers off the street to witness.
I married in a full on white wedding dress with veil, he in a brand new suit.
The hotel we stayed in made us a 'wedding buffet' for two, it was so cute.
We made arrangements for a bouquet of flowers announcing our marriage to be delivered to key family members in the morning of the wedding day, everyone found out at the same time in equal manner, no one could claim to be left out.
We we returned home there was nothing but congratulations.
Some people bought us wedding gifts, some did not, it really was no big deal at all.
If either one of our mothers were upset, neither showed it.
There was one person upset, my 11 year old niece as she'd always dreamed of being my bridesmaid.
Do it OP, run and don't look back.

i always think it sad when people try to organise a not quite a wedding reception party. Why? Just why? What the point? You either want people with you on your wedding day or you don't! You don't celebrate Christmas in July.
I am totally bemused by it. If you don't want people there, fine, but then to invite them to a not a wedding party seems odd.

Lots of good ideas from everyone!

I don't want a big, fancy wedding because I'm not willing to spend an obscene amount of money for one day when that's not what's important. Plus I do not want the stress of planning it or a sit down meal or extended periods of hanging about in between the ceremony and then again for food.

But I do want those closest to us to celebrate with us in some way.

I think eloping and having an after party will work. I don't think if you elope then you can't celebrate with everyone at a later date??

My favourite part of a wedding is the reception when you can dance the night away and let your hair down. I can't be bothered with the formality of everything before it!

Personally I find the reception party thing dull as I would rather just go to the wedding and not bother with attending the reception bit. Depends on whether you think people might come or not. I wouldn't drive across the country for an after party and bother with the expense of a hotel but I would for a wedding.

We've discussed that and if they don't want to come for the party then that's absolutely fine but those who mean the most to us would be there and for us that's the main thing.

We're eloping later this year and telling nobody until we get back. Complicated family stuff on both sides so this felt much more fun, plus we're not particularly "traditional" people. To all intents and purposes, we're going on holiday and coming back married. Obviously we're not expecting any gifts!

Well that's fine then if you've discussed it with them and you are happy you are getting the ones that you want and they have said they are coming.

I just wanted to point out that a good night for one person isn't quite the good night for another. If your relatives don't normally go out clubbing they might not appreciate that sort of night...if that's the only sort of thing on offer. Whereas sometimes particularly older folk enjoy the meal, or ceremony and the party not so much. But you know your family best.

Ive got a similar dilemma, an after party for a family members wedding somehow I've got to tell her we aren't coming..and they sort of expect us to...

Yep, totally get that. Then it comes back to you can't please everyone so we're best pleasing ourselves! Within reason of course which is the whole dilemma!

No you can't please everyone - it's your day.

If you do want others there in some form, there is always compromise in some way.

It doesn’t sound like waiting to wed for another few years is going to be tolerable or practical. I know you don’t want to be selfish, but this is your wedding, so you may need to give yourself permission to do just that. If you don’t want to spend all of your time saving up funds, planning a ceremony you don’t want, inviting and including people you’d rather not, then don’t. You don't want to hurt or offend anyone, especially your future mother-in-law, but don’t put your own wishes last in an attempt to make everyone else happy either. Perhaps if you kindly tell DP's mom that you’ve decided to elope (to save your sanity and finances) but you care very much about her and want her to help you plan or host the post elopement celebration? We wanted an elopement wedding with just the two of us but we decided to tell our immediate family ahead of time so there were no hard feelings. In my experience, eloping was an easy decision and ended up being everything we wanted. Ours was an quite an adventure (we live in the U.S. but eloped to San Sebastian, and honeymooned in Paris). We have amazing memories from the trip, a super unique story and photos and no regrets and no debt! Everyone was actually really supportive when we told them. As long as you're happy and true to yourself, everything will fall into place and people will be happy for you too. Try not to be so hard on yourself either, planning a wedding is already stressful enough. I hope it works out just the way you and DP wish. Best of luck!! -Jo