To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

I had some friends where it was the second marriage for her (in five years) , so they didn't want a big wedding, they just invited both sets of parents for 'lunch' one day, and then suprise suprise went to the register office and got married there. Just parents, her kid and someone to take photos.

Then a big 'house party' a few weeks later which cost no more than a few bottles of booze and some nibbles.

Why not do a Pot Luck wedding. They are gaining popularity and are great fun. Hire a cheap hall and instead of wedding gifts, guests are asked to bring a signature dish, a talent or a skill. One person may make the cake, another take pictures. Musical types may perform and everyone else brings food for the feast or flowers. I was dubious but has got really involved and it has the feel of an old time village celebration, where everyone plays a part. The guests are all really entering into the spirit of it. You don't have to be too precious about colour schemes etc. but you can easily do a wedding for about a hundred guests for under a thousand.

We had 2 weddings.... One at the registry, with close friends as witnesses and exh and I had a lovely night out celebrating in our own at our favourite restaurant.

Then, 2 moths later we had a big do including church blessing and 14 course dinner for 100 guests.

The first one was what we wanted, the second one was to please everybody (we didn't).

YANBU. Your wedding, your decision and those who love you will understand. We considered eloping as the thought of a big wedding freaked us out and the thought of a small one with my divorced parents freaked me out! In the end we had a small ceremony with just both our biological parents (to avoid difficulties with my dad bringing his wife who he left my mum for) and siblings and their partners. We all went for a nice lunch afterwards and it was lovely. Very intimate and just about us, no drama. In the evening we invited all our friends over for a BBQ. There was a huge storm so it didn't quite work out to plan but we made it work and had a great time. I hope you manage to find a way to have the wedding you really want but the best part is the marriage you have afterwards anyway, that's what really counts!

BTW, we didn't mention gifts to our family but they all gave us gifts/money anyway. Even some extended family who weren't even invited! We sent them thanks and some cake! We asked friends not to give us gifts, some did, some didn't.

Theres A lot to weigh up with a wedding isn't there feel your pain OP.
I was in the same boat with the divorced parents & worrying how it would be with both sides in one room, things took a turn for the worst my mother died (not seeing any of her 3 children get married) and now my DF has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
my brother eloped and got married in a registry office ,he had a party when they got back for everyone so really in a lot of ways spent the same money as he would of done if we'd been invited to the wedding
Hope you can figure away round it OP

Yes do it. You will be so happy and everyone will be very jealous. We sort of did it! (we had ten guests and six weeks notice).

You can never keep everyone happy, even with a big wedding some people will be upset about something or other. If people love and care about you they will be happy for you. I only had one friend who complained that we didn't have a big wedding when we had been to everyone elses, and quite frankly I thought this isn't about you mate! Its about me and DH and no-one elses business. To be honest, people's reactions really said a lot about them and their relationship with us. Most were just very excited that we were finally doing it after 18 years together! And we specifically asked for no gifts (felt a bit cheeky as we didn't invite people to the wedding) but people bought them for us anyway, which was nice.

I'm with Dibbler. I personally think part of the point of getting married is to share and celebrate your commitment /union etc with your friends/family BUT there is absolutely no need for weddings to cost a fortune. You can totally do it just like a regular party. I find the idea of eloping a bit odd, but everyone's different.

MargaretCavendish the thing with friends/family providing services that would be expensive is, for most of them, it would be their TIME and expertise you would be mostly paying for, and if they were going to come to your wedding anyway, then it's not like it's costing them loads. Ok the florist would have to buy the flowers but the base cost of the flowers is going to be LOADS less than the cost of having them arranged. The photographer already has the equipment, the only cost would be the cost of prints, and he could just put all the photos on a CD, then the bride and groom could get whatever they wanted printed and pay for it themselves.

My wedding didn't cost that much because loads of friends/family did things for us for free or for cheap (cake decorating/dressmaking/flowers/video etc), and all absolutely willingly, were thrilled to do so. If you don't need stuff, I think asking people to help with the wedding is a great idea.

We were in a similar situation- 2 kids, no 'official' engagement- didn't want to waste money on a big wedding which neither of us wanted. We considered having a little holiday to Gibraltar to do it- in the end, we had dh's family coming for new year (we live near my parents) so decided just to do it while they were all here at the same time, without having to make anyone go out if their wat. After many discussions about who to invite we decided on just close family- parents, brothers/sisters/spouses and nieces nephews. We were a bit worried about upsetting best friends- aunts- uncles etc but we couldn't afford to pot something on for everyone. We booked in November, got married New Year's Eve and told our friends and wider family as a new year announcement! Everyone was supportive, understood why we had done it that way and we had a lovely, memorable relaxing day. Morning marriage in registry office, mum cooked a huge Beouf bourgignon and bought desserts in m&s, my brother made a chocolate cake with my 5 year old- had a couple of glasses of prosecco, an evening playing silly games with our families, and slept in a blow up mattress with our girls squashed between us. One day when we have some money we wil throw a party and invite all the people we would have liked to have had there, but I think ultimately you can't please everybody. Some people bought us presents, most didn't, we didn't ask for anything. Do whatever saves you anxiety!

I was in a similar situation. My 2nd marriage, dh's first. He wanted a doo, I didn't really so we compromised. We did the full tails and wedding dress at the registry office with just special people we wanted there (10 of us) then we had an informal meal at the local tapas bar then a party at night in the pub. Dh got his 'wedding' and to dress up, I got no stress and just a nice day with people I cared about, everyone said it was the most relaxed and happy wedding they'd ever been to.
So I guess what i'm trying to say is you need to find a compromise with your dp. Maybe a small ceremony near home so his mum can come, is the venue so important? you say you want the marriage but then want the ceremony somewhere 2 hours away, can this not be the compromise? Also you need to tackle the problem with your parents, you need to firmly tell them if they can't get along for 1 day and put you and dp first then they shouldn't come. xx

We got married in Australia 3 months after the in-laws moved out there. I didn't really want to invite mine (for reasons) but they knew it was happening and eventually weaseled the date out of me a month beforehand so they could come. Even so, our wedding involved just parents and siblings and we didn't even consider inviting anyone else.

I would suggest talking to both sets of parents/siblings and explain you just want a small wedding without a big fuss. They're welcome to attend but they would be the only people doing so. Yours should be aware that you don't want to be dealing with tensions on your day so I'd they can't handle that, they shouldn't come. I personally wouldn't have any qualms about kicking my own out of wedding festivities if they were ruining the day/meal, but I realise that may just be me.

Basically give them the option of coming for your MIL's sake but be clear that this is on your terms and if it's too much hassle you'll elope.

We eloped and it was wicked fun. Do it! Marriage is about two people, not chair bows and seating plans and small weddings are so much more trouble than big ones.

A couple of my friends have had lovely weddings recently, they both directions a very small registry office wedding, just parents, children and grandparents. Then they had a big party, one friend hired a large house that had space for camping and a marquee, hired caterers, but got all the guests to pitch in with setting up, decorating, music, washing up, packing away etc, it was lovely to all be able to contribute.
The other friends hired a village hall, brought a load of picnic baskets on eBay, filled them with a picnic bought from waitrose (so no actual caterers needed) and had a band it was fabulous.
Both had a 'wedding ceremony ' at the party, not legal wedding but a good friend conducting an exchange of vows.

As for your parents, surely they can be civil to each other for a few hours? Wouldn't you do that for your kids?

Elope!! And then thro a party to celebrate. Just ask people to BYOB and no gifts.. most people wld be delighted, and wear ur wedding dress on the night

I recently heard that my childhood boyfriend (we were4!) and his now girlfriend, had both parents visiting, then over morning tea informed them all that after lunch, they were all off to the registrars for the wedding... Everyone was very happy... No fuss...

Do not elope. Doma wedding but smaller - with less people. Or compromise on the venue, dress, decorations etc.
I can understand and relate to wanting to invite everyone you know - nothing bad with that and people love weddings (I guess) - but you have to act within your means.
Totally unacceptable for me parents to push for a bigger wedding if they are not financing it.
Do they suggest you go into debt just for one day?
You can marry for £1,000 - £2,000 and still have a nice dress and a nice restaurant and only the people you can't marry without. Or you can make a garden party type of wedding (if you have a garden) to save from that.

In my experience the less spent on the wedding the longer the marriage and vice versa.

I once went to a wedding with 35 guests and the bride and groom did their own catering: slow cooked lamb, we all served ourselves.

It was terrific, they are still happily married 25 years later with two lovely daughters.

My best friend spent £80,000 on his wedding, divorced five years later.

I have other examples to support this theory, as I am sure many of you readers have!

My Dad eloped. My Mum died and it was a few years after. It was my stepmother's first marriage and I'd known her all my life. We were confused and upset at first. We would have happily just gone to the Registry Office and left them to it but they just couldn't face everyone. In the longer term, I wasn't bothered and I have their wedding pic, taken by a witness, in pride of place. If you can, find a happy medium. Say we're getting married on next x (a weekday is best) and say they are welcome to come, then just do what you plan to do for your elopement. Or go on holiday and get hitched, say it was a surprise thing...

DP and I eloped.

Neither of us like being the centre of attention, the thought of people watching made me feel really uncomfortable.
Also a few of DPs relatives had got married in the few previous years. There were complaints such as not enough alcohol, disagreeing with the dress code, no children allowed, location of ceremony / wedding. Every wedding seemed to cause a few family members angst.
Instead of trying to please everyone we just pleased our self. It was wonderful. Yes some people were put out but they probably would have moaned anyway!

Perhaps your DP could talk to his mum to get an idea of how she would feel. His mum may support your choice to elope of it makes you both happy.

Just do it, it's something special for both of you. Don't feel pressured into doing the whole wedding thing, just to please someone else.

I work in the industry, really I want to pass around the vallium to most of my customers! the other 'guests' I just want to slap very, very hard!

It's not pretty, it's not pleasant and there will always be someone you upset. Do it your way and except people will get cross, let them get over it.

I can see the appeal in eloping.
We're not actualy engaged, but the discussions we have had show I'm very much on the small and intimate scale and he is very much on the 'i must invite my second cousin's second cousins, cos they're family after all'. Perhaps not quite so dramatic, but it seems like it.
OP I can understand why you both want to take his mum into account. If you don't want her there without your parents, and you don't want a small intimate ceremony with your divorced parents, i really think its either a small mid sized wedding or eloping...

My DH and I went to Grenta Green (first marriage for both) Told family we would come back and have a large party, took 2 friends as witnessed. We got the marriage we both wanted, low key, no fuss or stress, minimal cost and everyone was happy as we were able to invite everyone we wanted to the party when we returned home. Both of us are only children and we did get a few 'selfish' comments which I completely ignored. All parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc got to have their wedding hue they wanted it and it was our day not theirs. Do what you feel is right for your and your DP. Good luck. 😉

YANBU. I tried to elope...and in the end I did get married in Italy with 8 guests. We really didn't want a big fuss, and my cousin had thrown a big £20, 000 wedding the year before, and I new that what we could afford (i.e not a lot!) would be judged against theirs. Also, my brother had a terrible time with my stepmum causng a big fuss as he didn't invite her children (who are not in our lives) to the ceremony. So for lots of reasons, we told everyone we were going away, and a few people decided to come along. I had a party when I got back, with no expectation of gifts. It was perfect. I had an amazing wedding on Lake Garda for a fraction of what a registry office wedding etc would have cost. Its your day. Do as you like and don't let anyone give you a hard time.

I'd just elope. I have fuck all time for pouty arses who think a marriage is about anyone other than the two people making their vows.

Not suggesting your mother in law is a pouty arse, by the way. It's just one of those things you read so much. A bride and groom trying to appease these family monsters, when they really oughtn't have to. Bonkers.