To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

Haven't read the full thread but I would love my children to elope.
In my ideal world they would go somewhere hot and we could go if we wanted then come back, have a party and everyone could bring and share food.
We didn't get married, couldn't be bothered with all the fuss and have better things to spend our money on.

No way notorius, I'm well behind on Parks & Rec but didn't realise April and Andy got married I really need to catch up lol!

All sounds totally reasonable. The only tricky issue here I see is your DPs mum but you go to her afterwards and tell her face to face with a lovely invitation printed out to your wedding party I'm sure she'll understand. After all there'll still be a celebration but without the fuss. If that's what you want then go for it.

As for no presents just put:

"Your presence is all we request, no gifts please."

The two most important people at a wedding are the bride and groom. Do what you want. Parents should be happy that their offspring have found that special person.

Do it. We eloped. I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Totally understand your feelings OP!

My OH and I have definitely considered eloping, so I don't think it would be unreasonable to elope considering you BOTH want to. However it would maybe be a good idea to tell them you were thinking of it beforehand, as it would give them the time to 'get over it' by the time it happens. Then you could book a nice event hall and celebrate for about a grand for the people who wanted to celebrate with you!

Another idea I was thinking about was getting married in a small venue in the Mediterranean, but beforehand informing close friends and family that we plan to get married abroad, ensuring at least a year or two in advance. This would give people the option to save up if they wanted to, and would give ample time to arrange leave from work/finances/etc...

Also OP, can I ask why you don't want presents? Or is that a bit too personal? People love getting gifts to celebrate weddings!!

Even if you stipulate no presents people will still buy you stuff. It goes against the grain socially not to bring presents to a wedding. Maybe suggest a charity donation if you really don't want people sending you gifts.

I think what happens us that there is an elopement, disappointment and bad feeling follows, plus guilt. Couple then throws a party to celebrate. Not sure why! A non wedding party. Why don't you invite the people you want to the party and marry that morning with close family there.

The bit that is important is the actual wedding ceremony, no? I would be very hurt if any of my children chose not to allow me to be there at the wedding. It would rub salt into the wound to then invite me to a party. To celebrate something I wasn't wanted at.

Firstly, congratulations on your unofficial engagement!!! This is what DP and I did (and planned our whole wedding out before we revealed our plans) but then just before we were due to tell our families, he went out to buy me a ring anyway because he's a soppy sod like that.

I too have divorced parents that despise each other with a passion, so I totally get it! They've been apart for 14 years, my dad married the OW and they have a son together who'll be 13 this year. My mum understandably never got over this, and unfortunately cannot put her feelings aside for one day - the thought of them in the same room makes my hair stand on end, I'd be on edge all day no matter how many people were there, just waiting for the drink throwing eastenders style scene! We've put off getting married for many many years because of my dysfunctional family.

We're getting married later this year, and couldn't get away with an elopement as its my mum that would've hit the roof if we'd not told her (she's a big narc but that's a whole other story). We considered a small destination wedding, but didn't fancy the excessive costs. In the end, I spoke with my dad at length about whether he'd rather come to our very small wedding, or if he'd rather have a meal with us the next day... And you know what? My dad wants us to have a stress free day, and in turn, not see my batshit mum, so we're having a meal with my DP's mum, dad, and bro, and my dad, step mum and half bro (and nan because she doesn't want to miss out ha). Don't get me wrong, I'll be very very sad that my lovely daddy won't be there, but I know he loves me and will be thinking of us, and so I'm at peace with him not being there.

We've definitely upset quite a few people, as we're having 15 guests only (including my three bridesmaids and the best man), but it's just what we wanted. Small, intimate, no bloody fuss, lots of bollinger and strawberry tarts all round. We're having an extended succession of family meals around the country to celebrate our marriage, so that's there's no whinging about who has to travel, who has to stay where etc etc. We'll do this once our photos are back, so we can take an album with us to share with the grandparents.

I guess what I'm trying to say it, theres no way of not upsetting someone - but some may just surprise you with how supportive they are! Make your decisions, and then stick to them. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. As my late grandma said, some people want a marriage, some people just want a wedding. I firmly believe you fall into the first category, so just achieve that in whatever fashion you choose. The only important people are you, and your DP!

I will elope. Already decided.

OH doesn't have any living family (parents and grandparents are dead) and those that are alive he wants nothing to do with

and mine are well... hard work and inviting everyone of my siblings would cause hassle esp as one sibling is a right bitch and would be critical of everything and the rest I want nothing to do with.

So we will spend the money that would go on a wedding to go on holiday somewhere neither of us have been and get married in a registry office or whatever the equivalent is where we go.

I want to go to Iceland, He wants to go to New York but he's already been to New York. Maybe Sweden or Norway?

YADNBU

We seriously considered it as we have both been married before and OH job means he might have to go away for months at very short notice so we would run the risk of having to cancel last minute

BUT my dad is in his 80s and we have 6 kids between us so we are just going to get married late afternoon and have a big party afterwards.

Go for it - it's about you and him - no one else.

Elope , invite OHs mum to act as a witness so she isn't left out .
Have a lovely wedding and a good future ,and ask friends to a party afterwards to drink to your health and happiness

Totally agree with you. I'd never do the big wedding again. Eloping sounds wonderful.

I thought that people could get married anywhere they liked now? Places like Botanical Gardens or somewhere like that? Is that the case, does anyone know?

You could pick a lovely place, have a nice intimate wedding just with a couple of witnesses, like your partners mum and your children, and have a party afterwards.

I can't see the point of eloping and then having a party a week later, why don't you have the party on the same day as the wedding?

We had just our parents and our children there, no one else.

Our mums were witnesses - this is nice because they don't get a mention on the certificate, unlike Dads.

No party - why would you have a party if you don't want gifts and you don't want to waste money on a celebration?

Just elope. His mother will get over it. As you already have two children together surely this is just a legal formality and the real life milestone/commitment happened long ago anyway, right?

Agree with whoever said just get married, quietly, on your own terms, no need to 'elope', no need to tell anyone. Why make such a big issue out of it? You can get married very quietly, mid week, grab a couple of people off the street as witnesses. My parents did that, (nearly 60 years ago ), just went out at lunch time, DDad did mention it to his boss as he left who generously said 'take the afternoon off'. .

I had a very quiet (second) wedding, just five guests (including parents/ILs) - no hassle, no presents, perfect.

And yes, I really hope my DS elopes or just has a very, very small wedding if he gets married.

Eloping is very tempting. No fuss, just the two of us. Bliss.

But I would be concerned that the joy of us getting married like that would be overshadowed by family members upset reactions over the news. I don't know what would be worse - them not knowing and surprising them afterwards with the news or telling them we're doing it but they're not invited and them thinking about it the day we're it's happening and missing it. Probably the latter!

Thank you for all your stories about your own experiences!

WRT not wanting gifts, we've been together a while and have 2 kids. We don't need anything. I feel uncomfortable asking for anything! Would rather just stating none. If anyone really wants to get us something after we outline no gifts then I could suggest a voucher I suppose. I do like the suggestion of a favourite book mentioned up thread!

We would like a party though. Both our families love a good piss up party. I would like to celebrate it with all our friends and family but in a more relaxed setting. Much less pressure and, more importantly, cheaper! I think I'd regret not marking it in some way with those closest to us.

DP is really keen on a surprise wedding so we might explore that more. Although my stress levels have been increasing as soon as I think about it so I don't know!

I just want to be married! None of this headache! But now we've been discussing it in more detail DP is keen on a big family thing but without the fuss and expense of a full on wedding. Compromise will be key here!

I'd have a look for a nice registry office and then hire a pub - people can sit where they like (so parents can avoid each other) and you could have a bbq / hog roast /buffet.

We got married with just two witnesses. It caused a huge argument with my husbands family but we still don't regret it. Our families are quite difficult and we would have rather not got married at all than have to deal a family wedding.