To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

We did registry office 9 guests or so! Then we went away together.
No pressure at all! We said we'd have a do afterwards but never did, you will get gifts as people genuinely want to show they are thinking of you. But donating them to charity afterwards is a lovely idea if you already have them!

MargaretCavendish

I neither wanted nor asked for any. But the attitudes we've had from others since have made him feel quite hurt. So he's said "I'll give them what they gave us" when we're not invited but expected to send along gifts etc.

And I quite clearly DID have a wedding, the wedding is the ceremony. The rest is just stuff.

Why not just get married with his parents and your parents and children there, go somewhere nice afterwards and then at another time have a celebration with everyone else. Why not choose a couple of charities to ask people to donate to in place of gifts/money?

Someone I know went to a christening and when they got there found out it was a wedding as well. Everyone loved it being a surprise, though lots of people felt guilty for having not brought the couple a gift/not dressing up enough. I think parents will always take it hard if they aren't part of the big day, so a party that happens to have the ceremony in it might be the answer? It doesn't have to be stressful, and the ones who are important will be there regardless of whether it's "just an engagement party" or whatever. The main thing is to be comfortable with your choice as you don't want to look back on your wedding day and wish you'd done it differently- do what's right for you, and know what you can live with in terms of parental responses and then decide :)

I think if you are doing a wedding to avoid upsetting mil don't make it a surprise to her. She would obviously like a more traditional type of wedding and wants to have time to buy a big hat and so on. I'd go for a small ceremony with just both your parents and your kids, then a bigger but casual reception similar to the party you were thinking of. Dhs aunts wouldn't be that upset if you do it this way and I don't think he'd be that upset not having them there if they are invited to the reception.

Treat parents (all of them) to a surprise night away in a hotel/hotels near to where you are getting married. When they arrive get married, go for a meal after, job done.

We asked for donations to a chosen charity instead of gifts. Some people included cash or cheques, some didn't. We basically said that we had everything we needed and explained our reason for choosing that charity. I don't think anyone was upset or offended by us not wanting gifts.

We had two kids when we got married, not much money and we're moving overseas. We got married in local registrars office with only our parents (and our kids) there. Then we went to our favourite restaurant and met up with brother, sister and their partners. We didn't want any fuss. My sister and sister in law decorated the table which was lovely even though I didn't want a fuss. Kids went to granny and grandads for the night and we stayed in a hotel not too far from our house.
Do what's right for you, OH and kids.

It's your wedding, not his mum's. It sounds absolutely blissful. Do it

wornout In that case I apologise. I have never heard of anyone being expected to buy a present for a wedding they weren't invited to, so assumed that you were talking about not buying presents for people whose weddings you went to. You definitely shouldn't be pressured into buying things for people who didn't invite you to their wedding, and are definitely quite right to refuse to do so!

Friends of mine had a big holiday booked and decided to get married while they were there. Immediate family - parents and siblings flew out for three days to join them (arriving afternoon before wedding), wedding next day, day after flew home). They then continued the rest of the holidays as the honeymoon. They then had an evening only reception a few months later. Would something like this work for you? Their only additional costs after service, outfits and rings (excluding eve reception) was a meal for the family.

Yanbu, especially if you are trying to save for a house.

But...I am just going to add something: obviously it depends what your budget is but we got married for about £5000/£5500, which by today's standards is v cheap. The farmer next to our house let us put up a marquee at no cost (marquee, undressed and rustic-looking was £2000), dress was about £200, rings £1000, local caterer plus student waiting staff £800 (we just had a large cold buffet) We made homemade elderflower wine, barrels of homebrewed ale and just spent about £100 on Lidl wine for the tables. I probably spent an extra few hundred on fabric to make bunting (lots of people lend theirs out if they've gone to the effort), and other sundries -a kids entertainer (we've got 7 kids between us!!), oh yeah-£200 ish on the church wedding licence. A florist friend did our church flowers as a gift, the best man paid for a horse and cart to the wedding...it was a homemade, rustic, country wedding, but we had at least 80 guests and every relation was happy.
So....you really don't have to have an expensive wedding and you'll be surprised how much help you'll get if you ask for bits of the wedding as a present

MargaretCavendish
it's ok, I could have said it more clearly - blame the 3 year old and 1 year old kids distracting me.

He's from a very "presents and cards" type of family, whereas I'm not.
He's the odd one out - they all love a party and can't understand that we'd both have hated every minute.

We went to Las Vegas and got married there - we did tell our parents before we went but didn't invite anyone. It was just the two of us the minister, the photographer and the wedding planner. Meal in a lovely restaurant afterwards - blissful day :)

DH and I eloped, to Gretna Green, on the spur of the moment. Stupidly, we didn't research that you need to apply for a wedding licence 15 days before the ceremony. We had an awesome road trip, slept in the car on the journey up there. And the views driving through Cumbria! They were something to behold.

We were incredibly deflated when we found out we couldn't be married, but spent the night in a lovely hotel. By the time we left, everyone found it incredibly amusing that we were the sillies that had driven 12 hours, and weren't allowed to marry. But we felt married after that, and DH (now sadly dead) immediately booked us into our local (beautiful) registry office, and we were married in just over a month. Just DH and I, and 2 good friends as witnesses. The 4 of us retired to the most luxurious hotel, and ate, drank whatever we fancied, and DH and I spent the night there.

Best day of my life. It was raining the next day, and he held an umbrella over me while we had a cigarette on the balcony, and we saw a double rainbow.

A couple of months later, I was chatting to my hairdresser, who had been planning her wedding for about 2 years. She said she spent the entire day making sure her guests were OK, and the actual day felt a bit of a let-down.

Do what feels right for you and DP. It's your day, no-one else's. They're your memories to make, no-one else's.

A florist friend did our church flowers as a gift

I hope she was a close friend, as the retail value of that is likely to be far above what most people would give as a wedding present! I'm sure she offered and did it gladly, but I am always pretty when people say that they got services as wedding gifts - photographers, in particular, seem to be expected to provide something that would otherwise be v. expensive for free astonishingly often...

I can also see absolutely no difference between 'asking for bits of the wedding as gifts' and paying for a wedding then asking for cash as a gift, which is apparently the ultimate mumsnet no-no.

My hubby and I were exactly the same. I have a huge famiky and there's a lot of pressure to please everyone etc where as he has his dad and that it is so wedding planning was stressful when he was basically paying for my whike family to have a party and eat loads of free food which didn't sit well with him considering 80% of them are 2 faced and hate him.
we randomly woke up on morning and decided to look at eloping then 8 months later we were married nice and easy.
We did have a small reception when we got back but literally just because I wanted a wedding cake and to seen our kids all dressed up 😂
I say go for it as long as you know you won't regret not having what everyone else has which I haven't because vegas was perfect.
Congrats by the way 🎉

We told our parents that we were getting married but that no-one was invited, except my sister and her partner who would be our witnesses ( they live nearby, parents were 100s of miles away) They really wanted to come so we let them.
Didn't tell anyone else, got married, all went out for a lovely meal afterwards, then we went away for a few days. When we got back we sent cards and photo to everyone telling them what we'd done.

Had a bit of moaning about it from DH's mum, Great Auntie Ethel will be so upset blah blah, but we were just really firm.

...and lots of people sent cards and a few sent presents afterwards which we really didn't expect, and were very grateful for.

I'm happy we had exactly the low key wedding we wanted. The only alternative we considered would have been to go and get married abroad and just tell people when we got back.

Hope you get it sorted out, Op, and congratulations

I think your plan sounds great.

Personally, I think wedding gifts are a bit outdated. Made sense years ago when people usually got married from their parents homes and needed to set up their own home.

Very few people are in that position now and I may be a grumpy sod but I'm annoyed by gift lists for people who've lived together or independently for years and I think requests for cash are really crass.

I particularly object to requests for presents/cash when (as is common these days) attending an out of town wedding already costs me lots of money.

I don't give any presents in those circumstances but everyone in my social circle knows that and is fine with it.

We asked for no gifts people brought them anyway if doing it again I'd ask for donations to a charity that we'd chosen . We went low key but invited people who meant something to us xx local community centre and a Buffet kept costs down

I can speak about this on several levels.

Firstly, my wedding took place nearly 10 years ago at a place called Rowton Castle. It was an amazing day and honeymoon, but I do regret that £20k debt and having to pay it off so I fully understand your concern.

Secondly, my mum went to Bognor with her boyfriend and came back married. I wasn't keen on him but I was in my early 20's and she was happy. It was a bit odd and I felt slightly hurt that I wasn't included, especially for everything I did for my mum and helping raise my 4 younger brothers. She also had it with 3 family members who lived down there, her aunt, uncle and cousin.

I am also a wedding photographer and I know how expensive it can be and how much stress it puts on a couple. I am currently building resources to help people plan weddings as part of my business.

So, with all that, you have some choices.

Elope, do your thing and don't worry about. Cheap, cheerful and stress-free.

The big wedding you can't afford right now to please everyone else.

Something in the middle.

Personally, in your shoes, I'd make a list of people that you feel MUST be there and it sounds like that would just be your 2 children and your parents/partners. So that's a max of 12 including you 2. There is nothing stopping you having a very quite, elope style wedding with just you 12.

Quick registry office wedding, nice meal somewhere and a few hotel rooms. Ask parents to have the kids as well so you get the evening together. If parents want to come they can pay for their own rooms and meals. They will completely understand it, or they should do, if they don't then don't invite them.

I know 2 couples. One got married on the 4th June, but they didn't. They had a party in a field, wedding dress etc and a fake ceremony and then got married in a reg office on the following Thursday. Next year I am photographing a wedding where the couple are getting a reg office job on the following Tuesday and the fake wedding on the Sat (NO one really knows either couple did this).

I say this to all my brides and grooms: IT IS YOUR DAY, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO! :D

You don't have to have an engagement ring.
You don't have to have photos/video of the day (or at least not professional ones).
You don't have to invite people because you think you should (I didn't invite my dad because I knew it would turn into a mess)

Do what makes you happy, anyone who truly loves you will understand and get over any disappointment :)

I think It's a wonderful idea, with hindsight, although a beautiful wedding we only see 1/4 of those invited to ours ten years on. Could you not invite MIL( if you genuinely know she would be upset) + your parents ( and oh) It would still only be small & intimate, would only be the cost of a meal. They could be your witnesses. Don't bow to pressure, do what you wish, you absolutely have the right to do whatever you want. Good Luck x

We got married at the registry office, had a lunch for close family , and an evening party with buffet and money behind the bar for friends (and family stayed as well) It is your wedding, you chose what you want to do. Get married in the Registry office, and then have a party in a hall, and spend the money on food, drink and disco.