To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

It's always difficult/damn-nigh impossible to please everyone. Why don't you get married in a registry office with parents as witnesses? Then throw a big party with everyone else invited without giving the reason beforehand. Make the big announcement - you're married, don't expect gifts, etc. Would that idea help?

We didn't elope as such but as we both have 3 siblings plus families it was just too daunting and expensive to invite the whole family so we decided to have a very small, low-key wedding and just invited our parents. We didn't tell them until the week before. We went out for a lovely meal afterwards and then dispatched the parents and went down the pub with friends in the evening. We certainly considered eloping and in many ways that would have been my preferred choice but we knew our parents would be upset so this felt like the best compromise. In the end the day was perfect.

Just like you op I wanted to be married but wasn't that fussed about the wedding.

Good luck with what you decide to do.

If it's what you want to do, 100% go ahead- weddings should suit the couple involved IMO.

We eloped I'm so happy we did it- weddings are expensive, many turn out stressful, and my DH is from the US so the cost of getting family members over from there would have been prohibitive (vice versa for my family if we'd done it over there). All the pressure just didn't feel worth in the end.

Both sets of parents totally understood, especially as they knew the financial sacrificed we'd be making if we'd had a proper wedding. More than anything, they wanted us to start our married lives without a load of debt / with our savings in tact. We didn't ask for gifts (felt wrong!) but relatives in particular wanted to help 'set us up'. I think most families would see it that way if it's explained right, and you can always have a nice family party to celebrate after.

Sigh. It's so difficult! We've spoken about it again today and he's not keen on eloping because of his mum. I totally understand that. She's on her own and we live closest to her so see her often. There is no other family nearby.

But I just don't fancy a registry office with parents/siblings. My parents still hate each other 30+ years on... It would make me on edge all day and then having an intimate meal later with them is my idea of hell.

He likes the idea of a surprise wedding under the guise of an engagement party though

I can see his point about that, no pressure of it being a wedding (from other people's input), cheaper, exciting, gets it done and we'd have to have a party after the elopement anyway so kills 2 birds with the one stone and keeps everyone happy as they'll be there.

BUT I'd still rather elope at this moment in time. I just don't think we can though because of his mum.

OP I was really worried about having my divorced parents (and my mum's friends and family) at my wedding but it was all fine. Everyone acted their age and while it felt a bit uncomfortable it was actually fine. Could you whittle down to the bare minimum of guests? A friend of my mine got married with a very strict guest list (parents and siblings only plus close friends.) I think it was around 20 people in a private dining area. It was FAB.

I like the idea of going down the pub with friends afterwards!

I like some of the ideas being mentioned, I think we're going to have to think it over some more and try and get something that will suit us without upsetting anyone.

I just feel that we're compromising on what we want to suit other people.

Cross post! LOVE your DP idea! Do it!

If people want to get you a gift can you suggest a donation to a charity you support?

We will be "eloping" within the next year or two , abroad in a place that is very meaningful to us. We probably won't tell anyone except the children that we have married.
I can't stand the idea of fuss, expense, being the centre of attention, not our thing at all.
Many of our friends and people we know assume we are married anyway, I know our children don't care either way.

It will be the way for us. No friends, no family, just the two of us .

OP- you don't have to tell his Mum. You don't have to tell anyone. It's not really their business.
I won't be telling my mother when I get married.

Sounds like you will work out exactly what you want, the party, the pub, family and loads of mates, no speeches, no centrepieces, no engagement rings or whatever it is you want/don't want. You will do the right thing for you. Brilliant. Great plan.

I've got an idea for a variation on that plan.

Book it all. Then invite everyone. Tell them it is your wedding. Tell them you've decided to be non-traditional. Any fuss from anyone, "its already booked and done" "Nope, we've decided to do it this way instead" "No".

DH and I had similar issues with family, potentially enormous affair as you OP. We opted for a very small ceremony, immediate family only, DM came without her new partner. Then a massive party over a weekend the week after, which we held in France. We found it easier to keep the guest list smallish and no obligation to invite colleagues etc that way. We also didn't want gifts and our compromise was to say, we genuinely don't expect any gifts but if you would like to givers something, please make it a copy of your favourite book and write a note inside. We have a wonderfully eclectic wedding library as a result, and I love it - so personal to everyone who came and a lovely memento that cost the givers very little.

you don't have to tell his Mum.

Well aside from the fact that he wants to tell him mum

You need to be clear about who wants what, because your desire to have nobody at tye wedding doesn't seem to be mutual.

You are asking him (and his mother) to miss out on something important to both of them bevause it is not important to you and your parents don't get along.

I can see that waiting until you can afford the big wedding is not what you want, but to ask a man who wants his sunts and uncles invited to run off and not even tell his mother, when that is not what he wants?

Elope do the deed then have a party.

Big weddings are hugely stressful and expensive.

Dd is getting married this year and I actively encouraged her to elope. She has chosen not to, and I wake up every morning with a headache, thinking about the wedding. Engagement party sounds brilliant, all the best to you both, whatever you decide!

Myself and my fiancé are getting married next year and are semi-eloping. We're getting married just the two of us, but people (including our children) are aware we are doing this and are happy for us. We have booked a nice hotel, having a ceremony at a registry office (2 of his work colleagues are being our witnesses) then a nice meal on our own. The following week, we are having a 'reception' with a photographer, cake, my daughters have bridesmaid dresses, I have another wedding dress (bought from a warehouse place).

Our decision didn't come down to money though, but the actual ceremony. We both place a lot of importance on this, it's the moment we legally become joined together. His ex partner is spiteful can be difficult and has already implied that she won't allow his children to attend. His parents are separated and have said "if your dad goes, I'm not going" and vice versa. The thought of having a ceremony that was attended by my children and my parents but not his was distressing us both, and we kept saying "I wish we could just go off and do it on our own and really make it OURS" until we decided to. And I'm honestly so excited about the first part of the wedding. The 'reception' we see as a party, and will feel less upset if certain people cannot/will not attend.

So in my long worded way, no, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I hated the idea of a registry office too, then spent days and days googling pretty registry offices as my local one is a dump! (We had here to give our notices the other day although we're getting married elsewhere and it's such a depressing place). We didn't get the prettiest one in the country, but one in a city that means so much to us (we had our first date in that city) and just built it around that.

I hope you get something sorted out that is a compromise for both of you. Weddings are such a headache to plan for a lot of people!

We're in the same boat, have children, been together for a while but we don't want a big wedding, smaller gathering has been discussed but it's a case of "if you invite X then you'll have to invite y" and spiralled.
I'd love to elope but I'd want to take the children and I wouldn't want a reception later on either. I hate parties!

We did it, we buggered off to NYC, got married in City Hall and it was fantastic. It is your day, no-one else's. If my one and only DD did the same I wouldn't be the least upset.

Well yes, it's his wedding too so he does get a say! I've done the big traditional thing and do not want it again, him having never been married hasn't but he does not want that at all. He has a very small family so inviting his aunt and uncle and couple of cousins would make up his numbers but if I started inviting the same on my side the numbers would get ridiculous and be the size of my first wedding by the time we added friends. This is why we'd rather a big party only.

My first wedding was very stressful as I was trying to keep everyone happy but it was just like any other bog standard 20k+ wedding Plus it didn't last.

We just don't want his mum kept in the dark but then if we elope but tell her then i'd have to tell both sets of my parents and then probably siblings... It pretty much defeats the purpose of eloping..

My local registry office is a dump too so definitely wouldn't want it at that particular one!

Lol Tits I do love a good party but without the stress of it being for a wedding!

Still on the fence.

We might broach it with his mum and see what she says.

I love the idea of keeping things simple. I can see how important it is for your DP to have his mum there, but I am sure she would just be over the moon afterwards.
Is there some way she could feel special and involved, like being in on the secret and looking after DC's the wedding night?

I would just love to bigger off on holiday and get married, or pop to registry office one afternoon, the wedding is just faff and hassle, it is the marriage that is important.

We got married up in registry office with just parents and children followed by a pub lunch. A bit of a pub night in the evening for those who travelled (family abroad) and then a nice casual BBQ in the garden the following day. Just a garden party but lovely. Second marriage for both so no wish to do a huge white wedding though. Worked well and low key but still special.

Pirate, speaking to his mum might be a good idea. We were certain my mum would be totally against the idea of me & DP going off on our own (not that she had any choice really, but we wanted understand), but we explained our reasons/situation and she was enthusiastic about it. Plus she's involved in the reception ideas and planning, so not completely out of it.

Would it be feasible to sell to your parents as an elopement with 1 witness each?

DP picks his mum, you pick your bessie mate/sis/anyone that isn't either of them?

If they kick off you have the "his first wedding/mum on her own" defence ready?

Then organise a lovemy wedding day for you two plusvpartners and witnesses and a party you think will work for everyone?