To think about eloping and also asking for no gifts/cash?

[PirateTrophy]

My AIBU is two-fold although relating to the same thing..

DP are unofficially engaged i.e. we've discussed in length getting married (we have 2 kids together) and know we will at some point. It therefore seems a bit pointless for him to "officially" propose with a ring. It will be my second marriage and his first.

We've discussed the type of wedding we would have and it just seems to grow arms and legs and is costing more and more the further we discuss it! If we go ahead with this type of wedding it will take us YEARS to actually get there as we have other priorities at the moment as we're saving for a house deposit.

The reason the wedding we've been discussing has been getting bigger is due to the size of my family (divorced parents) and also DP would like to invite his aunts/uncles so I feel I would have to invite mine etc etc so it's turning into a usual run of the mill (expensive) wedding which we have both said we don't want (nor can afford).

We have started discussing eloping and telling no one. We broached this subject before but as it's DP's first marriage he feels his mum would be upset not to even be informed never mind not seeing us get married (understandable) so we changed our minds. However due to our recent talks about a wedding with family it's just not doable for many years to come. Plus I don't think my parents would be too happy for us to elope either, also it does seem quite quite sneaky keeping a secret like this then coming back and telling them. I think a lot of people would be upset.

If we eloped we would go away for a couple of days to our favourite place, get married just the 2 of us and spend a lovely evening together having a nice meal. That sounds blissful to me! No pressure to have an expensive engagement ring, what the venue is like, what the meal is like etc etc. I've been there, done that and I really do not want to go through all that planning again never mind wasting all that money. DP is not keen on that type of wedding at all either.

Additionally, we would have a type of reception/party afterwards once we've told everyone we are married however we do not want any gifts or cash... how we would go about letting people know this without sounding rude?!

So WWBU to elope and, if we did, to ask for no gifts/cash?? Any other suggestions greatly appreciated!

I guess I'm looking for validation that we're not being selfish to elope...

My friends son and his girlfriend told her they were going for a nice meal and to dress up.

Turned out it was their wedding and she was one witness (her DH died years ago) and the bride's friend was the other witness. If I remember rightly they had a BBQ the following weekend to celebrate.

Everybody was happy.

Bride wasn't even bothered that her MIL turned up in an outfit that nearly matched hers, not having discussed outfits first obv.

I had a no gifts rule but still got lots of presents, that I appreciated and thanked everyone for.

A friend (the BM) actually shouted at me that I needed a list and "people were pissed off at me". They weren't. A few years later when she married (for the second time) there was a huge list at Harvey Nicks or the like with nothing below £150 on it.

Get married in a registry office here with parents and siblings, have a nice drink and/or quick meal, take some photos then drive off to the place you wanted to elope to or somewhere similar for a weekend honeymoon.

This way you get the parents involved, keep the time they spend together to a minimum then relax as you would have done if you elope.

Me and DH got married at the local registry office with a couple of friends as witnesses plus toddler DD, had lunch with them then back to ours for a party for about 25 close friends and family. Second time round for me, first for DH. My mums a widow, his parents are divorced. For us, for me especially (same as you, big wedding first time, didn't last) being married was what was important, not getting married. Difference is, parents and family were grown iOS, knew it was our day not theirs, and we're happy to come to the party.

That's the bottom line. I'm sorry if his mum and other family are hurt but it's not about them, it's about you. People get themselves tangled up in stupidly expensive weddings just to keep family happy. All that does nothing for the actual marriage.

I would stick to your guns, explain it to your parents but keep to your plan. Unless they are utterly unreasonable I would hope they would see your point.

iOS? Ups! Grown ups!

I think you want two incompatible things. You say you just want to be married, but you also want a party and to 'mark the occasion'. You need to decide really what it is you want, and then do it.

ok, we didn't want a wedding, we just wanted to be married.
we both dislike parties, and being the centre of attention.

So we informed our parents & siblings that we were getting married and that no-one was invited.
We asked a friend each to be our witnesses, and our children were present.

My mother took it very well "oh thank goodness for that, I don't have to buy a dress and feel wrong all day!" (the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree because I knew exactly what she meant)

His took it badly. We were told that she and her husband would be our witnesses. We said "no" because it wouldn't be fair to have them and not my mother and then it escalates.
we had phonecalls accusing us of being horrible, her sobbing down the phone (he hung up on her)
"we'll pay!" it's not about the money.
"I've been looking forwards toyour wedding for 30 years!" a bit weird, really!

In the end he told her that it was what we both want, weddings are supposed to be what the bride and groom want after all. And put the phone down any time she tried more emotional blackmail.

We even told them the wrong time just in case they turned up anyway.

Things went from that to snide digs at me ever since. But he seems to have been forgiven.

We didn't have a party.
We also didn't have any wedding presents (didn't expect any, but it has been noted and they will all receive the same from us in future)

We think it has been portrayed as "SHE wouldn't let him have a proper wedding" and all my fault, when even on the morning of the wedding I told him we could cancel and rearrange if he wanted because the £50 it would waste wasn't worth him being upset by it all. He asked me if I was insane and we went ahead.

Neither of us regrets it.

What I'm saying is, this is YOUR wedding day. Eloping, or not-quite-eloping isn't going to cost any one else a thing. You should do what you both want and other people's opinions don't come into it.
they may love it ( like my mother) or hate it (like his) but neither view matters.

I wrote a really long post but it disappeared!

I just don't know if we can handle the inevitable fallout if we do it on the quiet.

Invite everyone to a family BBQ at yours, get married that morning, tell everyone at the BBQ that you just got married.

Just invite your parents along and there won't be any fallout from anyone else, because no one else is really bothered about other people's weddings.

If there's fallout I would be tempted to go with 'I thought my relations were adults who know that the world doesn't revolve around them. My bad.' But I can be a bit of a cow about things like this .

Break it down for them. Bit by bit. It's kind of hard to argue with what's actually important here once it's there in pieces in front of you.

Do it.

My partner and I are in a similar situation (although neither of us have been married before but he was engaged) and have often said our friends and family will all just get call one day saying 'btw we got married'. We don't want gifts or any fanfare so I don't see the point of it all.

TBH we might say 'we're getting married at X place and if you want to see it happen you can' but the idea of having a wedding where everyone makes big hoohah doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. And we've been together seven years and have two children, what would people possibly buy us that we wouldn't have? Don't see the point...

We're thinking along the same lines - we have two DCs and really different families in lots of ways. Mine's small and hate big events, while his is huge and they regularly have 1,000+ people shindigs. Really interested to see how this goes down!

V small registry office wedding mid-afternoon, invite those who really matter to the ceremony - it's half an hour in a room, your mum and dad can sit separately and suck it up.

Party that evening for whoever you want to invite to your party - which you want to have anyway so why not have it the same day? Sounds like you are happy for this to be lots of people, so do that. You don't have to do all the wedding stuff if you don't want it.

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We planned (2nd marriage for both, been living together for a few years) 11.30am registry office with my parents, his mum, my kids, his kids, my brother, his sister & husband. Then meal afterwards at local restaurant for the above.
I'd also asked a couple of my closest friends if they would like to come to the ceremony only, and DH was planning to do the same.
We had been discussing a celebration at home that evening - champagne, canapés & cake for the "wedding party" plus others.

In the event we had to delay it to the afternoon, ditched the meal and as DH felt up to it we went across the road to a local pub and had some drinks.
We didn't have the evening party, it never got organised and DH wasn't well enough.
We are now planning the evening bit as a Sunday afternoon garden party in a couple of weeks (so a month after the wedding) and hopefully it will be lovely, but in our case it's later due to DH's health and totally makes sense - if it hadn't been for circumstances I'd much preferred to have had it on the day.

Hi there.my situation was similar as in married before,elderly parents to please. 6 kids between us! We booked an affordable holiday abroad then decided to get married there. Just us.. Amazing and private. Just us to please. No fuss or pleasing other people and then we had a party when we got home. No one was asked for presents or gift list produced. Best way for us. Good luck with what you decide.

Elope.

I did feel a pang of conscience about your mother in law - but then realised that she had her own wedding, and that was the only one she had the right to be present at. And if you two never married, then she'd never be present at his wedding, anyway.

ELOPE.

Same as WeAllHaveWings - we eloped as well. Already had two kids - neither of us had been married before but we had been around in circles trying to decide what to do before making the decision to elope. I guess it depends on the individual but you sound similar to us.

I know we made the right choice for us as we just couldn't be doing with all the fuss - I have no desire to be in the limelight for a teeny second (not to mention the cost of the whole palova) but a part of me will always feel guilty for not making it a family event and I know it upset my parents even though they did not make a big deal of it.

I think this is a key bit for you:

"I think I'd regret not marking it in some way with those closest to us."

I don't think you really want to elope. I think you want some way of arranging a wedding that isn't a horrific stodgy cash guzzling albatross of a Thing

I get the wanting to elope thing. I'm not a wedding person, and like yourself the idea of a big white wedding fills me with dread - 2 children and not DP's first marriage.

What we're planning to do (when we can be arsed) is to have a small one. I'll wear a nice (but not a wedding) dress, DP will wear a suit, DC will be cute. We'll go to the registry office in a town that means a lot to us, with our immediate families and anyone who had to travel and then a meal out or bbq at PILs. I'll make the cake, and it will be a lovely day. I'd have less fuss, but it's not just my happiness that counts and it really won't hurt me to do that.

For you: I'd suggest doing what someone upthread suggested and have a friend of yours and your DP's mum as witnesses, and then a party. If you'd have a party on your return from eloping would it really make that much difference? People would hear wedding reception anyway, and still potentially bring a gift etc. If your parents get funny about not being at the ceremony you could say you chose a friend to keep it fair as you couldn't have both there. You get a no-fuss ceremony, your DP gets to have his mum there, and your parents aren't at a table together.

That's not being selfish. Being selfish is what my cousin is doing. She's been officially married and is living in Germany but is having a belated reception here in HK in October. She and her husband have left just about everything to her mother. Even though she doesn't work and is back and from Germany very often, each time she comes back she does fuck all generally. She's done nothing reception-related, her parents have been the ones viewing the venue, paying for it, deciding on everything, dealing with accommodation, guest issues, food issues (fussy husband) (strictly family) decor (apparently I'm helping with that.) I have recently had to decide with her mum additional details relating to traditional rituals, she can't be bothered.

She's 30.

Could you elope but take just parents? That way they get to see you get married and you get to do the ceremony where and how you want. I know you say it'd be uncomfortable with your parents situation but they should suck it up and behave for your day. Do it however you want, don't be pressured into anything.

Do it.

I could have written your first post, word for word. Exactly the scenario we were in.

Except I couldn't persuade my partner to elope. His brother eloped, his Mum was gutted. We therefore can't elope.

Our small, no fuss wedding is at £7k and climbing. It is IMPOSSIBLE to do things cheaply, especially as my partner wants the world and his dog to come.

I'm ok with it in the round. It'll be ace. Who doesn't love a wedding?! But I'd have been just as happy running away. We could be married now, rather than waiting and saving.

Do it! Run!

If I ever got married again (probably never again tho lol) I would definitely elope!

We also didn't have any wedding presents (didn't expect any, but it has been noted and they will all receive the same from us in future)

You didn't have a wedding, that's why you didn't get any presents! Do you really think that's the same as turning up to an event where someone is giving you food and drink entirely empty-handed?

I know a couple who invited all the family and friends to a party in the garden of the place where she worked, they only said they had an "important announcement to make".

Midway through the party they announced they had got married at the local Registry that morning.

If I ever get married again.... that is the way I would like to do it.