Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

Jesus, for the shit games alone I'd politely decline.

Depends. If we hosted a day like that everyone would pissed as farts by breakfast and the whole things would be fucking great craic

OP, I think you should cancel the cheque.
Dammit, I'm several weeks behind and on the wrong thread.

I prefer to give money as a gift, I really don't see what all the fuss is about when brides and grooms don't want things that might not be to their taste.

I don't know. I'm fine with the cash and vouchers request (just think it's practical and easy) and probably okay with the accommodation point too, tbh. I think they could have worded it better and not made it sound so compulsory. But if there's not much else around and as it's not, objectively speaking, ridiculously priced, most people would probably see it as their only option.

I don't do expensive accommodation ever though and almost always pick youth hostels etc. If there's nothing cheap that's within reasonable reach and I don't have my kids with me then I usually sleep in the car - not overly comfortable but free! You could do that?

No you shouldn't say anything. I think accommodation is fine and maybe they thought they were doing you a favour ensuring you had somewhere to stay. Maybe not. The money comment is very rude. But again either don't go or suck it up. Don't start any problems in your family right before a big wedding. I'd just leave it.

It wouldn't both me to receive this invite but I can see how it may be perceived. I get an impression the OP doesn't much like the cousin and can't understand why family would be so upset if OP declined, just think of a very good excuse - no mentioned of kids as they are a useful reason to avoid things, childcare, sports match, revising for exams etc. I don't see it as the guests supplementing the wedding as it's likely the rooms are being offered at their cost price rather than the whole booking being divided by the numbers of guests. It's obviously better for them to only need to pay the wedding package cost rather than for a lot of empty hotel rooms as well.

If the cost is reasonable for you and as expected then go with good grace and a gift card in an amount acceptable to you. No need to stay two nights or take time off work, just what is convenient and affordable.

Is the invitation asking you to pay for two nights or just one?

We didn't do the exclusive booking thing deliberately but did get a good deal for our guests. It's really nice to stay in the venue and if the price is good value for the location and quality then take up the offer. If you are spending no more than expected I don't see a problem, if it's not affordable then it's perfectly fine to decline politely. It may be a direct way to approach the issue but it shouldn't make much difference to anyone financially. I don't really get wedding etiquette anyway, it's clear there are traditional rules which applied to the wealthy/upper classes and now everyone wants a big traditional wedding costing a fortune but aren't applying the same etiquette as they have no idea it exists and or can't afford to fulfil those obligations (free bar, paid accommodation, plus ones who for single guests). I'm very working class in background but probably live a middle class life and it's a bloody minefield. I'm glad I'm already married and we were setting up home properly after the wedding so didn't demand cash or vouchers only - we had a gift list as an option along with vouchers/cash if preferred.

i dont understand the two day thing-they cant force people to stay for 2 days

but people do pay for their own accomodaiton although it sounds like theyve booked it int heir package and want some of the money back

If it's a wedding you want (or feel you have) to go to, then £120 pn to stay in venue accommodation is acceptable - let alone in a Castle in Wales.

Games - sounds like it'll all be optional & of your choosing and given you don't have to drive anywhere can be accompanied by a lot of alcohol I'd be up for that (I'd take some alcohol though in case it's 'bar prices' all weekend!

The asking/wording re gifts is rude. I FAR prefer to give money because buying presents seriously stresses me out and I know money won't be 'not quite their taste' or the 78th toaster.

I think that's a rude invitation. Offering guests an election of places to book for themselves to stay is fine. Booking ahead and asking for a share is not.

The wording of gift requests is downright rude.

Having said that, if I wanted to go, I'd suck it up and go with good grace

If I didn't care too much, I would not go

We went to a wedding 3 miles from home. The MIL said you will be staying, erm no we get a taxi home.

It turned out the the hotel was only surviving as a wedding venue and weddings included renting the whole place.

The bride and groom did not ask for accomodation costs.

Do you want to be there?
Can you afford it? including 2 nights at special rate and a cheque for present?
Can you spare the time/got child care etc. for a whole weekend?
If so, go. If not, politely decline and deal with it.

If short of money, then one option is to go for 1st day, then leave. But that might offend even more. Saying that, it's what i would do
unless I were.' loaded' (term open to interpretation),
and liked the couple and most of the the attendees (disclaimer: there's bound to be least one annoying attendee). That way you'd miss the games (I see this as an advantage but everyone's different) ,,,,,

OP
HiddenMeaning As I said though not going will cause a load of hassle with family members. It's not always easy to just do what you want and sod the consequences unless you are happy to fall out with people over it

Your OP was about you wanting to call the BG and Bride out on their greediness so presumably you aren't too adverse to falling out with people and I imagine politely declining the invitation would be less likely to cause a bust up than confronting them on their brass neckedness

This is why when I got married I gave everyone a list of hotels around the area. If they wanted to do a group discount, it was on them to team up and arrange it themselves. Their stay was on them. Some stayed with nearby relatives, others stayed at a hotel, and a few pitched in and shared a room.

Telling people what gifts you will accept is rude as fuck. In any context whatsoever.

Boggles my mind.

'Gift cards, or cash only gifts please'

If you do pay to attend their show, please take something large and ugly as a gift.

Grabby barstards

My friend just booked a group holiday. We're paying £220 for 7 days and we get a double bedroom in a cottage with a hot tub. £120 a night for this wedding looks pretty crap stacked up next to that.

Pretend for a moment that you've not been asked to pay your cousin directly for the accommodation.

Pretend instead that they've just sent you a wedding invite and when you searched on Google you found that the only accommodation options were:

1. The wedding venue at £120
2. A b&b 45 minutes away

What would you do then?

Because essentially that is what the situation is. Your cousin has just pre-booked rooms to be helpful/grabby (depending on how you look at it). For all you know the bride and groom may even be subsidising the accommodation costs.

I'm going against the grain but I would call them out on it
The more people call out on these grabby weddings the better

The only thing I wonder is if it's just horrible wording
Also surprised by the remoteness but that's by the by
Two days as well is nuts

The gift thing is rude. The accommodation is what b&b cost in the uk. In fact sounds very cheap for a castle. Anyone watched four in the bed recently. The cost of b&b is shocking. Reason why we cant afford to go on holiday in uk. However as everyone says you have a choice either go or turn it down.

So you want them to pay for your accommodation and they are the grabby ones? OK.

I just personally believe brides and grooms should pay for wedding venues themselves.

But why? You accept that you would pay for accommodation if it was anywhere else. Why should you get it for free if you choose to stay at the venue?

Is it one of these?

Do you want to go?

Exclusive use deals for venues seem to be becoming more popular. They're fine in theory, B&G pay for the rooms and then offer them to guests. The difference for me though is that booking the exclusive use deal is a risk the B&G take on, so they offer the rooms for the guests but the guests shouldn't be obliged to effectively take on a booking they didn't make, if the B&G get their money back great, if they don't then they suck it up.

On the other point, I hate gift lists/asks in anyway so do find the ask for cash particularly rude. Do appreciate that might just be me though!

This one is absolutely guaranteed to get them frothing isn't it OP?

You don't have to go
It's normal to pay for your own accommodation
The room price is reasonable
People always buy wedding gifts, lists have been normal for ever and a day, cash and vouchers are easy for you and practical for them
You are just looking for something to be goady offended about