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AIBU?

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Original poster

Rude wedding invitation?

509 replies

PumpkinPies38 · 10/06/2016 22:17

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is Shock but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

OP posts:
Helloitsme88 · 10/06/2016 23:15

The bride and groom have hired the place for people to sleep. It's extra money but instead of paying the hotel you pay the bride and groom. You don't have to go but if you go to wedding and you have to stay over night surely you would have to pay for accommodation anyway? If it's not feasible then don't go and decline the invite

Out2pasture · 10/06/2016 23:19

i haven't rtwt but it seems to be worded badly. too late now that the invites are out.

inlovewithhubby · 10/06/2016 23:20

Orda - well no, but similarly why should they buy them/contribute to a Magimix? Why don't we think asking for cash as a wedding present is as rude as insisting anyone who comes to your birthday bash brings you a fistful of readies? It's just a bit crass really.

YY to the creepy castle perfect wedding dream shit - we know you're not a fucking princess in RL people!

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 23:20

I just personally believe brides and grooms should pay for wedding venues themselves.

They are.

They are just not paying for people's accommodation, which is perfectly reasonable. I certainly would never expect the bride and groom to pay for my hotel.

IoraRua · 10/06/2016 23:21

I love giving cash gifts as at least I know it will be useful, in contrast to them possibly getting oodles of toasters/wineglasses/insert stereotypical gift here. But asking for it is over the line. The accommodation being booked for you is also not good. As I see it, options are either a) don't go or b) suck it up, go and be happy. There is no point in calling them out as they'll likely stick to their guns, and no point in going and feeling resentful.

Orda1 · 10/06/2016 23:22

I do think it's rude, I think asking for anything is rude. Realistically though people will likely bring a cash gift so there's no need to write it on the invited anyway.

HiddenMeaning · 10/06/2016 23:23

Can't you make up a reason why you can't go? Work? A holiday?

Or, how about phoning and saying you don't want to spend so much and hat you will stay at a B and B or only want to stay one night. The party games thing sounds a bit weird.

Even if there really is no B and B within 45 mins drive then you could still stay until 11 or 12 - then drive back. It's not that crazy an idea. or what about camping?

IFailDaily · 10/06/2016 23:23

If you do choose to stay at the wedding venue at least you'll both be able to have a tipple and save on the taxi fare to another hotel at the end of the night ..

MissBattleaxe · 10/06/2016 23:26

Purple- it's not that, it's the fact that the reception and rooms are built into the cost. The couples are saying " we want this venue but it means all the guests have to stay to suck up some of the cost."

OP if it's 2 nights at 120 each then they are asking you to spend 240, plus drinks and travel in order to attend their wedding. PLUS a cash gift. So yes, they are grabby.

Original poster
PumpkinPies38 · 10/06/2016 23:26

Have spoken to my mum again she's shed some light on the games. You're looking at lawn boules, big chess, croquet and an evening of Mr and Mrs.

OP posts:
Orda1 · 10/06/2016 23:28

Classy

inlovewithhubby · 10/06/2016 23:29

Jesus, for the shit games alone I'd politely decline.

KissMyArse · 10/06/2016 23:30

we know you're not a fucking princess in RL people!

Very few people are, but I think it's okay for a woman to want to feel like a princess on her wedding day.

If you can't afford it then don't go.

If you can afford it and your cousin is close/important to you then go and celebrate their wedding. You never know, you might even enjoy it.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2016 23:34

If I've got this right (thinking about some places we saw) it's an exclusive hire deal where they have to hire the whole venue for the whole weekend. The cost of that hire may or may not also include the cost of their food package however what it does normally include is all the venue hire costs that you'd normally pay with a lot of fancier places. The bride and groom are effectively getting their guests to supplement their wedding budget with this approach.

Because it's likely to be a lump sum fixed costs then the bridge and groom probably won't take too kindly to people who want to come but stay somewhere cheaper as the B&G will then have to pay those people's "share" of the costs.

Ailicece · 10/06/2016 23:36

Totally normal to have to pay for your own accommodation and £120 is a reasonable amount, even more so if it's for 2 people (in which case I'd actually consider it quite cheap for a UK wedding). This only wouldn't be reasonable if there was a choice of accommodation nearby and you weren't given the option of booking something else independently. If this is what there is, then you have the choice to either go with it or decline the invite.

HerRoyalNotness · 10/06/2016 23:37

I like the sound of it actually, 2 nights in a castle, no worry of driving, games and frivolity.

I also like cash gifts, would rather that, than the agony of trying to work out what they might want/need.

Where I am from wedding generally on Saturday, then Sunday a BBQ and rugby game. I think it's nice, makes it more of an event and worth the travel.

LunaLoveg00d · 10/06/2016 23:39

The accommodation is reasonable.

Asking for gift cards and cash is not, is very rude and entitled.

blindsider · 10/06/2016 23:39

The only problem is the assumptive wording of the invitation, £120 sounds reasonable for a Double B&B in a castle. .All they are doing is having one bill rather than each guest paying separately as long as they are not turning a profit they are doing you a favour...

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2016 23:40

Purple- it's not that, it's the fact that the reception and rooms are built into the cost. The couples are saying " we want this venue but it means all the guests have to stay to suck up some of the cost."

I don't agree. As long as guests are free to stay or not stay as they choose I think it's fine (but very risky if everyone stays elsewhere!) for the bride and groom to do this.

minijoeyjojo · 10/06/2016 23:41

I had a country house wedding, not in a hotel, the place just did weddings so it was always exclusive use. There were 40 rooms that would have cost our guests £160 per night to stay in if they booked directly. The venue however offered a deal for us to book them all for £2k. We did that and then offered the rooms to our guests at £50 each. I thought that was a nice thing to do, but it did mean our guests paid us directly for the rooms (if they wanted them). Based on your logic we should we have paid for them all! Maybe they are being offered a similar deal? Or think they are being helpful offering accommodation when their venue is remote? Just trying to offer a different perspective Smile

Ailicece · 10/06/2016 23:43

Just RFFT (sorry!) - You actually expect the B&G to pay for all the guests' accommodation??? I take it you're not married yourself yet...

I've never yet been to a wedding where the guests' accommodation has been paid for (except as a complete surprise, where we were students visiting from afar). I think YABU unfortunately - but of course you have the choice of not attending.

CodyKing · 10/06/2016 23:51

No the guests are expected to contribute to the wedding package without a say or choice of accommodation - or indeed cost

It's the expectation that they object to, not paying for the actual accommodation - plus a whole weekend for one wedding

So £240 plus petrol gift clothes drinks and probably breakfast and lunch - equals very expensive weekend not of their choosing

goldierocks · 10/06/2016 23:51

I'm currently helping a friend decide on a wedding venue for 2018.... she wants a castle in WalesSmile

There aren't that many....most are in South Wales (easily accessible) - you can't stay at most of them.

The one we looked at in North Wales has 54 rooms....minimum price is £165 per room per night, including breakfast. Wedding packages (exclusive use) are from £2,000 (my friend is looking at the £1,200, non-exclusive use package). The very top price package is eye-watering.

I'm sure it can't be the same place because this one has another hotel and 2 b&b's within a 5-min walk. If my friend wanted exclusive use I'd be tempted to politely ask for the other castle details from the OP!

£120 per night seems reasonable to me, if I wanted to go.....

category12 · 10/06/2016 23:56

Ugh, if you're not so rich and your family aren't so loaded as to afford your castle wedding and accommodation, then don't bloody have it. If you need the discount of relying on family staying, then you can't afford it. It's one day. You have those dreams of a grand wedding, pay for it. If it's outside of the economic realities of your family, fucking grow up and do something affordable and inclusive. Or do it small in your dream venue. Expecting people to cough up loads or use their annual leave for is just... ridiculous and ugly.

ZenNudist · 11/06/2016 00:08

I think it's reasonable to have to pay for accommodation although it's usual to find a rune near a range of accommodation to suit all budgets. I really can't believe you can't find something bit cheaper if you looked.

You might find it is an expensive cab ride away and not justify the saving especially given the hassle. Think £120 per couple/ room per night not unreasonable for nice hotel, esp if breakfast included.

What's happening about food for the rest of the time you're there? Are you all expected to stump up for pre wedding meal too?

I think you need to grow a set and say no. It's clear you don't like the couple enough. If you did you'd whinge less. I'm not judging you. I recently whinged a bit about wedding cost but in the end it was nice to see the couple get hitched, did not in any way justify the expense or the hassle (overseas wedding) but I felt it was a noteworthy thing to so in life and we certainly won't forget it. Castle in Wales, not so memorable but still, something nice to look back on eh?

Alternatively If you've got the money just go. Don't worry about the gift. I reckon £240 plus food costs and travel enough to spend.

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