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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think that the childless by choice are judged harshly?

279 replies

SadlyNotNormal · 08/06/2016 13:48

I have a step son with Asperger's, hence being on here in the first place (in case you wondered).

My question is, even if you don't think you want kids, does that change when you actually have them? Do you magically want to become a parent even if you had doubts before? I ask this most sincerely, as this is the impression my friends with children are currently giving me and I'm curious. When I say that I understand those who don't want children (because of the work involved) I usually get the stock "oh but they're worth it" response which drives me nuts, because the implication is that everyone should have children, because they're so wonderful. Now don't get me wrong, I'm strongly in favour of people having kids if they really want them and always have been. If you really want kids and you are able to, then of course have them. I don't feel as though it goes both ways though. The childless-by-choice are judged harshly (I think) by 'society' / the media as being selfish and I hate that. Surely having children is the same as anything else in life - a choice, a 'project' to pursue or not depending on your desires (if you are fortunate enough to be able to have them)?

I've known since I was 12 that I didn't want them. It's not the idea of childbirth or the sleepless nights or the dirty nappies that bothers me (I was an au pair for a while so have dealt with some pretty intense baby / toddler stuff). It's the thought of having more freedom / money / time to pursue my creative projects in my life that makes my heart soar.

Do you think that more people regret having children than is talked about?

Thanks (in advance) for letting me rant on here. It means that I won't bring it up with friends. I'm tired of hearing how wonderful it is to have children when people know full well I don't want any more (my step son is great and I'm glad to have him; he is also Enough). Would love to hear your thoughts. I hope I haven't caused any offence with my questions.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 08/06/2016 20:07

Absolutely, it's a lifetime job. Your children always need you, emotionally at the very least

Poor and happy? I'm not convinced. I've read some very moving posts on here from people who grew up in poor families, and described being bored rigid every school holiday because there was no money to go anywhere or do anything, no money for nice clothes or new trainers, and sometimes not even enough to eat. Yes, your luck can change but I'm not a gambler or a risk taker and I don't understand why people would bring children into an insecure financial situation

notamummy10 · 08/06/2016 20:14

Oh yes... I guess it's because women are expected to become mothers yet I don't see men getting the same response. I don't want children for various reasons, the main one is because I feel I wouldn't be able to provide for them and give them the life they deserve.

KittyOShea · 08/06/2016 20:18

Poverty might not be a good reason for you reveal but could be for lots of people e g those who grew up in poverty and don't want the same for their children, those who want to be SAHM or not at all. Hard to judge unless you're in their shoes.

DH and I are childfree. We did ttc but it didn't work and I am now in early menopause at 42 so it never will. However, for us I think it has worked out for the best.

We both work in caring professions (me teacher in an inner city school in an area of high deprivation, him an a and e nurse). So it really gets to me when people describe the childfree as selfish.

SueTrinder · 08/06/2016 20:21

Lurkedforever has it right. Whatever choice a woman makes she'll be judged for it. My brother is childless, apart from the odd question about if he has a partner no-one has ever commented on his status. When I was childless (I had DD1 when I was 37) I was constantly told I'd change my mind. Despite the fact that DH and I had had a serious chat about it before we lived together and almost split up over it. I didn't want kids when I was younger but he did.

Andrewofgg · 08/06/2016 20:25

I had a colleague who when asked why she had no children looked the questioner straight in the eye and said dead-pan

Well, you see, while my mother was pregnant with me she went to a wise woman who assured her that if I had a baby it would be the spawn of Satan and would involve the entire world in a nuclear cataclysm so I have thought it better not to risk it, do you think I'm right?

It shut them up.

WriteforFun1 · 08/06/2016 20:39

OP yes I'm childfree
I've been called selfish many times
I think it's selfish to bring someone into the world because you want to
I think we are all selfish but I do have a lot of admiration for people who adopt
I always thought if the impossible happened and I did a u turn I'd adopt
I think people who really want a photocopy of themselves - and some do, my father is a good example - are super selfish.

minatiae · 08/06/2016 22:11

Only my parents say anything about it. They keep saying I'll change my mind 'when I get older' because they changed their minds when they got older, except I'm now older than they were when they had me so even if they think that it doesn't make sense any more.

mimishimmi · 08/06/2016 23:43

I don't judge 'childless by choice'. At times I envy them

TheNaze73 · 08/06/2016 23:50

Some of my best friends are dinkies. Most through choice & fair play to them. I think people that virtually challenge childless couples are by and large a bunch of cocks. What if they can't have them? I think it's so rude

UterusUterusGhali · 08/06/2016 23:58

Nope.

I've got a shit-ton of kids and work in maternity.

I don't give a shiny shit if people I know don't want kids.
That's their choice. The end.

If they did accidentally get pregnant (it happens) I wouldn't dare make a smug comment. They'll deal with it their own way and I'd only ever be supportive.

UterusUterusGhali · 09/06/2016 00:01

The "selfish" argument is the most bobbinsy bobbins.

Savemefromwine · 09/06/2016 00:03

If mumsnet had existed

( or the Internet in general) when my first was born, 1989, I think I would have been put off and not bothered. Back in the day we just had our mothers and mils, aunties and friends to run things by and bounce off for support.

Parenthood is Sooo complicated now. So full of polarised angst. So much naval gazing and pondering.

I think we are so in danger of overthinking parenting it's frightening women off.

Savemefromwine · 09/06/2016 00:06

And it's not selfish to choose and plan your life with or without kids

It's sensible

BadLad · 09/06/2016 00:09

I haven't noticed much "harsh judgment". Instead there is sometimes talk as if having kids us some revelation that I haven't yet seen the light of, and if I don't have them, the day of regretting that decision is inevitably going to come one day.

RunYouJuiceBitch · 09/06/2016 00:29

It's always been my impression that childless people are deemed 'selfish' by some on the basis that they don't want to give up their lie-ins, nights out and extra cash by having children.

FB posts like this sum it up:

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2a32cLoAj1qzqeg0.jpg

Now, the rational amongst us will understand that there are a myriad of reasons why people may not choose to (or be able to) have children other than the aforementioned. Even if someone does choose not to have children because they like lie-ins and nights out, so what? We only get one life and we should do our best to spend it how we want.

I've directly witnessed a childless colleague - who is childless by choice and open about it - being judged by others and called self-centred because of their decision. Not to their face. To their face, they get the 'but having children is so wonderful' speech.

I also think people who talk and think this way should be careful about passing such judgement; the person on the receiving end may NOT be childless by choice, even if they say they are - and your comments could be hurtful.

Obviously most sensible and compassionate people don't do this, but some people are particularly crass when it comes to children!

AdjustableWench · 09/06/2016 00:49

My SIL says she doesn't want kids because she is selfish (wants holidays and suchlike).
I don't think she's remotely selfish. She's brilliant with my kids. There isn't a selfish bone in her body.
Me, I'm selfish. I had three, just because I wanted to.
I don't feel inclined to judge her. She made decisions that were right for her. I made the decisions I wanted to make. Whatever.
I do think it's a bit much to be expected to procreate just because you have a uterus.

HelenaDove · 09/06/2016 01:55

When MNers have a min take a look at the tweets and replies on Holly Brockwells twitter feed @holly

The crap she gets on there is disgusting.

Skiptonlass · 09/06/2016 02:42

Does anyone not have kids 'just' because they like extra cash and lie ins though? I think all these things are trotted out because people think they need to justify a choice.
They shouldn't have to justify it. Just 'no, I don't want children' is perfectly OK.

sashh · 09/06/2016 06:05

I've had it all

When you meet the right man you will want them
You are selfish - never understood that one
But I want grandchildren - fortunately my brother sorted that one

Fortunately as I approach 50 people are getting the idea I'm not going to have them

angelos02 · 09/06/2016 06:47

I don't want kids because, well, I just don't. Same as I don't want a dog or a holiday to Martello or a Ford Focus. It is just a decision I made. Nothing complicated or with a huge back story.

Oysterbabe · 09/06/2016 06:58

I don't care whether anyone else has kids, up to them, no judgment.

I guess when you have a child and you love it more intensely than you've ever loved anything before, it's easy to think 'Wow! Surely everyone would want this'. But obviously they don't, some value their freedom too much and that's up to them.

FoggyBottom · 09/06/2016 09:02

I guess when you have a child and you love it more intensely than you've ever loved anything before

You see, that makes me think that people who say that haven't had much of a mature emotional life. Experiencing that intensity is not limited to feeling it for children of one's own body.

Lottapianos · 09/06/2016 10:40

I agree Foggy. I don't really get the evangelising that some parents do - oh babies are wonderful, absolutely everyone must have one! Are they maybe unconsciously looking for validation for their own choice???

I have a wonderful DP and I get so much from our relationship, but I can fully understand why someone else might choose to be single and feel that romantic relationships are just not for them. I don't feel the need to play matchmaker or hassle single people about their love lives!

101handbags · 09/06/2016 10:56

I'm mid-40s, my DP mid-50s. I never wanted to have children & have never regretted it. Most of my friends have kids, as does my sister & I love them all dearly. I've never, ever felt judged. I've never really been asked if I want children either. But for me, it really was a case of wanting time to travel & enjoy my love of theatre & dance and simply being able to do what we want to do. I've never heard any of my friends say they regret having children, I think it would be a pretty brave thing to admit, really. Most seem pretty happy with their choices, but just as my life is far from perfect, so I do appreciate those parents who confide the less perfect bits of a life with children to me, rather than those who coat it all with sugar and instagram filters. The only thing I regret is that I bumped into lots of old school friends unexpectedly at a reunion recently and they all had children. When it came to asking me if I had any, I really wish I'd said 'No, I don't...I was one of the ones who always knew they didn't want any..' I wish I'd had that answer prepared. Instead I mumbled something about 'No...but I have plenty of kids around me, what with my friends and family...' It was the wrong answer & I wouldn't make that mistake again. I'd also say that I have far, far less in common now with my friends with children and tend to gravitate towards those friends without children (I only have 2 of those). I feel that the things that interest my friends with children simply don't interest me & vice versa but I am very good at talking about their children in the absence of any questions about my life coming from them when we meet. It's just life - you make choices, if you can, and live with them.

sonlypuppyfat · 09/06/2016 11:08

Don't have a mature emotional life?! Oh what a load of rubbish, who on earth believes that

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