...to think that the childless by choice are judged harshly?

[SadlyNotNormal]

I have a step son with Asperger's, hence being on here in the first place (in case you wondered).

My question is, even if you don't think you want kids, does that change when you actually have them? Do you magically want to become a parent even if you had doubts before? I ask this most sincerely, as this is the impression my friends with children are currently giving me and I'm curious. When I say that I understand those who don't want children (because of the work involved) I usually get the stock "oh but they're worth it" response which drives me nuts, because the implication is that everyone should have children, because they're so wonderful. Now don't get me wrong, I'm strongly in favour of people having kids if they really want them and always have been. If you really want kids and you are able to, then of course have them. I don't feel as though it goes both ways though. The childless-by-choice are judged harshly (I think) by 'society' / the media as being selfish and I hate that. Surely having children is the same as anything else in life - a choice, a 'project' to pursue or not depending on your desires (if you are fortunate enough to be able to have them)?

I've known since I was 12 that I didn't want them. It's not the idea of childbirth or the sleepless nights or the dirty nappies that bothers me (I was an au pair for a while so have dealt with some pretty intense baby / toddler stuff). It's the thought of having more freedom / money / time to pursue my creative projects in my life that makes my heart soar.

Do you think that more people regret having children than is talked about?

Thanks (in advance) for letting me rant on here. It means that I won't bring it up with friends. I'm tired of hearing how wonderful it is to have children when people know full well I don't want any more (my step son is great and I'm glad to have him; he is also Enough). Would love to hear your thoughts. I hope I haven't caused any offence with my questions.

I am childish and yes I am judged by my family, I have even been accused of being a lesbian because I dont have children or a boyfriend.
I just want to sort my own issues out before bringing a child into the world, I dont think that is a bad thing.

childless I mean although I can be a bit childish

It's not selfish to not have children and it's not selfish to have them.

It's personal choice.

Who are these people who criticise others choices or who give s shiny shite? Bizarre.

I liked this comment below the article about the Pope calling non-parents selfish:-

I guess the Pope is talking from his personal experience, as a person who decided not to have kids.

I have kids, I wasn't sure before I had them and first was unplanned, now I think life without kids would've suited me much more. I don't regret them but would advise others to not do it if they have any doubts. I've lost so much of my life and freedom and don't find parenthood fulfilling - in fact I don't think parents are valued in our society, especially SAHMs. However we have no support so it's intense and lonely, having family nearby would've made a big difference. I'm wishing away my life waiting for when I can get some life back for myself - after six years I'm hoping to get back to work in September, I have to start at the bottom all over again. Childcare was too expensive meaning I couldn't afford to work.

I have known that I don't want children since I was a very young child. I have had certain family members tell me that I will change my mind (although not my Mum, to give her credit!)

I am now over 40, and am child free by choice, so hopefully now they believe that I know what I want, and did all along!

Although to be fair, I believe that they were just concerned for my happiness and worried that I would one day regret my decision. Which I don't!!!

From the other perspective, I've never felt so judged in every aspect of my life and movements since having children.

Breast / bottle
Working / stay at home
Private / state

Etc etc etc

Nobody ever took so much interest in my choices when it was just dh and I.

"It makes me sad to think that couples would avoid adoption for fear of ending up with a 'damaged' child."

Really? It doesn't strike you as responsible that someone who is faced with the possibility of taking on a child who has already been damaged by many years of abuse or severe neglect should first seriously question their own ability to give that child the very special kind of support s/he will need so as to not end up even more damaged?

Sadlynotnormal just wanted to clarify I'm not pro-natalist myself (!) but can understand why other people are.

But I actually think 'the family' is declining anyway as its not so crucial in the way society is organised anymore.

Adding to what StrawberryMouse said, once children come along you will also probably have to deal ALOT of professionals and authority figures, for example doctors, nurses, social workers, courts, teachers and so on ....

I actually don't care

I was never too sure if I wanted children or not until I met my (now ex) husband but did enjoy motherhood at thirty onwards. I don't think I'd have being a good Mum at twenty however. It has never bothered me if my friends have kids or not so asking the why you don't have/want kids question simply never occurs to me.

My son has disabilities - no-one ever asked me if I wanted to "take on a damaged child" but that said I never wanted to send him back (or at least no more than any other parent does ;) )

Parenthood does seem to bring out the judgemental side in some people though who take it personally if you don't make the same life choices that they do.

I'm childfree, middle-aged and have never felt judged.

that said, this comment rubs me the wrong way: I admire people who choose not to have children. It's far better than having them and not treating them kindly.

The implication that people who don't have kids are child haters or would treat them unkindly if they did have them is quite offensive. I have no doubt that I would have been a loving, encouraging mother who would have raised happy and well-adjusted children had I chosen to have them. I simply wanted to focus on other aspects of life.

The comments about changing your mind drop off, in my experience. It is well known that I will not have any children, but my mum spent years saying I should and that I'd change my mind etc. She's largely given that up now and I'm in my 30s and still haven't changed my mind. I did pull her up on it once or twice, as she said she needed to be a grandmother but wasn't prepared to do any babysitting or visit very often.

I think the thing that grates on child free folk is the assumption that you haven't thought about it properly and have just gone "no ta". I've put a lot of thought into my choice and have revisited it over the years, and I'm happy with my decision. Couldn't care less what other people think. Often it's nosiness that's making them ask about it...!

Agree Bobbin. I reckon I have agonised more about having children than anyone in the history of the world! Some people have always known that children were not for them, but for most people its way more complicated than just 'no ta'

Im childfree by choice and have been since i was 21. Im 43 this month. I have never regretted my choice.

On a TV discussion show in the late 90s i remember an American bloke shouting at me "You are not human"

I think certain types of men are threatened by women making this choice.

I don't know, but are judged pretty harshly most of the time. All of their decisions seem to become public property once they have kids.

I haven't noticed the childless by choice (child free?) being judged.

They get called "lucky" quite alot, which seems silly if coming from anyone who chose to have children.....

Childless people aren't judged, childless women are.

Women with children are then judged for having the wrong number/sex of children, for not going back to work/working part time/working full time, for sleep training or not sleep training, for breast feeding or bottle feeding, for 'letting' them be loud or tantrum in public (even if the father is there), etc etc for ever and ever amen.

I had my DD because of an unquenchable physical need to have a child and I wouldn't change her for the world but I would have more money, more sleep, less worry, nicer holidays and more free time if I hadn't had her, so if I hadn't wanted a child desperately I suspect I would have been very happy without. I have read a study somewhere that says the childless by choice are, on average, the most content and satisfied with life out of any group.

A few stereotypes and judgements about childfree/childless people on this thread MLGs............

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2655673-Dating-a-man-with-a-6-year-old-daughter-should-I-be-worried?pg=1

I agree childless women are judged far more.

Parents are judged pretty harshly, I meant to say

Mothers are judged, MLGs, not fathers. As far as society is concerned all a father has to do is hand over a bit of cash once in a while and do some 'babysitting' once in a blue moon - no matter how inept the care is - and he's Number One Dad. Not so much on mumsnet but in general that's the attitude.

I wasn't really sure until I met dh, but I'm glad I took the plunge.
I think childless women are judged - it makes some people uncomfortable. They think a woman's worth is in the home. A woman persuing a perfectly normal career, unencumbered by children or housework, is quite a threat to a certain type of person.

It's certainly not selfish to remain child free. There are 7 billion of us on the planet, it's not like we're an endangered species .

I think that we'll for me the love you feel for your child is so intense it's hard to understand why people wouldn't want to feel that.

It gets worse as you get older
I can't find a link as am on my phone but if you are interested Google the charity 'ageing without children' and their recent report 'Our voices'

I don't think yabu as I have experienced this prior to having my child, mainly from older generations of my family. I do still think I would have been content if I hadn't had my ds though and occasionally I do miss the freedom and ease (although at the time I didn't appreciate it) of my life before children. I do find it odd though how people with no interest in having children or who don't have step children end up on a site called mumsnet? Is it just me that thinks that is odd?