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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have the rage with parents blatantly not rsvping to dds party

309 replies

Cluesue · 07/06/2016 22:09

Dd who will be 4 next week is having a whole class party,party is for 30 children,any extra children who attend have to be paid for above the set price,baring this in mind(there are 30 in class and 6 friends children coming) I put an rsvp date (yesterday)and asked politely if they could let me know by then as I need exact numbers.

4 !! Replies the day the invites went out and none at all til yesterday evening,where I got 3 more,physically went to speak to 3 and outright asked if they'd got the invites,yes they had them,but no bloody mention of if they are coming so I'm just assuming they are.

Well I was so peed off that I got in touch with all the people who had bothered to reply to say they could bring siblings.

As it stands there are 27 children coming,but what the fffing he'll do I do about the other 20 who haven't bothered to reply,if they turn up I'm looking at forking out another £50 plus there won't be enough room or party bags,I'm tempted to tell the staff at the venue that if they show up they either pay themselves or go home again.

First big party I've done and it will certainly be the last

OP posts:
Helentad · 10/06/2016 00:44

My twins are 9 and we have thrown lots of whole class parties and received rsvp from 98% of parents everyone. Sorry but it's not every area has the same problem. Sounds like the parents need a lesson. When they turn up with the child for the party say I'm sorry you didn't rsvp so we though your child wouldn't attend and we asked somebody else. They will soon learn when the child has a meltdown because they can't attend the party.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/06/2016 06:33

Mums are emailing in year 6?

That's secondary here and by then the kids communicate with one another; it's up to DD to know who can come to her party and to let her friends know about her attendance after checking the family Google calendar and her phone. The kids write out their own invitations and talk endlessly about arrangements over the phone and WhatsApp. ..

Girls admittedly, will have to see whether ds1's peer group work that way - atm I am WhatsApp Ing with the mum of a friend of his at the pre invitation phase of organising her son's party as we try to work out what date all the group of friends are likely to be free.

I've always known who my kids' friends are by age 4 because they talk about them and we write the party invite list together... I always try to make sure they have their main friends over from time to time anyway. I only work part time, about 25 hours a week and do a lot of very early shifts and weekends, so always pick up the one who needs picking up (the older ones get the bus except on the day when I do volunteer crossing patrol outside the school) so maybe that disqualifies me from having an opinion Hmm

originalmavis · 10/06/2016 08:55

I will throw another log on the fire... party bags.

birdsdestiny · 10/06/2016 09:32

I hate party bags. If someone invented a decent alternative they could make a fortune.

marblestatue · 10/06/2016 09:46

When they turn up with the child for the party say I'm sorry you didn't rsvp so we though your child wouldn't attend and we asked somebody else.

I wouldn't do that without chasing them for a reply first. Genuine problems do happen. I once thought that someone hadn't replied, but I hadn't received their text.

Only1scoop · 10/06/2016 09:48

I love party bags

A work of art Wink

HiddenMeaning · 10/06/2016 09:52

tankgirl2000. I think not replying until the last minute is really unfair. Sending a text takes a couple of seconds. You open the invite and send a reply then it's done and dusted.

Replying at the last minute might be costing the hosts money.

Hygellig · 10/06/2016 09:53

birdsdestiny - at one joint fourth birthday party my DS went to, they gave out a book at the end instead of a party bag. I thought that was quite a good idea. We still have the book and read it quite often unlike most of the straight-to-landfill party bag tat (which admittedly children get quite excited about).

HiddenMeaning · 10/06/2016 09:54

I hate party bags. If someone invented a decent alternative they could make a fortune

There is a great alternative it's called not giving a partybag. Problem solved. Wink

Hygellig · 10/06/2016 09:57

May I ask another party etiquette related question? For whole-class parties, do you feel obliged to try and go to all of them or do you sometimes say no even if you could theoretically go? There is one soft play centre where five children in DS's class have had their parties so far this academic year, and he says he doesn't like going there (although is usually OK when we do actually get there).

birdsdestiny · 10/06/2016 10:10

We got easter eggs once at a pa

birdsdestiny · 10/06/2016 10:12

Oops. We got easter eggs once at a party which was great. Obviously this only works at Easter. Smile

Booboostwo · 10/06/2016 10:41

I do a variation on party bags. I have several games going on during the party where children can earn toys, e.g. there is a fish a toy game, or I put books/stickers/temp tattoos in each layer of pass the parcel, or they play a version of musical chairs where a number of children win, or a pinhata with toys distributed in the end to everyone, etc. Each child has a bag with his name on it where he puts all the stuff she's accumulated during the party.

LongChalk · 10/06/2016 12:04

It's worse when you live in a pearl clutching area where parents expect party bags but expect them to contain nothing sugary or plastic.

LongChalk · 10/06/2016 12:11

When ds2 was 7 we had a pool party and gave everyone a pair of goggles we had ordered as a job lot. They worked out at about £2.50 each and he had 12 at the party so that's still £30 just on 'party bag' type nonsense. Ds3 has asd so parents in that world are just happy to be there in a safe environment. Nobody gives a shit about party bags. Most of the kids are GF and tactile sensitive anyway. When DD starts school I'm just going to wrap up a slice of cake.

HiddenMeaning · 10/06/2016 12:22

Hygellig. Unless it's a very close friend I really wouldn't worry about it.

One of my DCs disliked loud places especially if they were playing music so he didn't use to go to a lot of parties. (We always RSVP'ed Wink ) It wasn't a problem at all and didn't effect his friendships. He is at Uni now and still won't go to parties or clubs. He has a big circle of friends and seems to socialise a lot - he just does at quieter places.

Jaxhog · 10/06/2016 12:51

It's common across adult parties as well. It just seems incredibly rude NOT to respond in good time to say whether you're coming or not. But to just turn up without responding is beyond rude!

MrsHathaway · 10/06/2016 14:06

Party bags are great because they symbolise to children THIS IS WHERE YOU FUCK OFF HOME. Like always singing the same song at the end of toddler group. It matters not a jot what you put in them.

May I ask another party etiquette related question? For whole-class parties, do you feel obliged to try and go to all of them or do you sometimes say no even if you could theoretically go? There is one soft play centre where five children in DS's class have had their parties so far this academic year, and he says he doesn't like going there (although is usually OK when we do actually get there).

We've been lucky this year (DS2 in Reception) that birthdays have fallen in clusters so there's been a party between two/three/four children. You spend more on presents/cards per party but less per child, and have maybe one party a month rather than all the damn time. Even with one church hall and one soft play centre it hasn't felt at all like "here we are again".

PolaroidsFromTheBeyond · 10/06/2016 14:12

May I ask another party etiquette related question? For whole-class parties, do you feel obliged to try and go to all of them or do you sometimes say no even if you could theoretically go? There is one soft play centre where five children in DS's class have had their parties so far this academic year, and he says he doesn't like going there (although is usually OK when we do actually get there).

I say no quite often if it's a bit inconvenient or the kids just don't fancy it. I don't even feel it's an etiquette issue TBH. An invitation is not a summons and it's fine to politely decline.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 10/06/2016 14:44

I try to go to all, I've been to one where very few showed up (thankfully not one of my own) and it was heartbreaking, the little kid asking "where are my friends mummy?" - the mum was devastated for her.
The handful of us that were there rallied round to make the most of it, but it was pretty bleak no matter how we tried with just a few of us in a big hall with everything prepared for whole class Sad

MrsHathaway · 10/06/2016 14:56

Yes, that's just it.

You've no idea if the party you decide not to go to is the same one everyone doesn't bother with. Little children feel that kind of rejection very strongly.

Like if it happens to fall on Mothering Sunday or the last weekend before Christmas or something. That's when the birthday falls so it's inevitable. And I bet it's the same few children missing out every year.

Especially if you choose not to go because your child isn't particular friends with that child - maybe that's because that child is left out a lot and really needs the bolstering of a busy party.

I must be hormonal. This is bothering me unusually much.

RaqsMax · 10/06/2016 15:57

The modern obsession with kids parties, entertainers, and party bags is beyond me. As a kid, I used to invite 10-12 kids that I was closest to in my class TO MY HOME. Mum would do a birthday high tea (sandwiches, jelly & ice cream, biscuits) and a birthday cake at the end. Anyone too full for cake got a slice to take home wrapped in a paper napkin.

Let me share these thoughts with you:

  1. It is OK not to do party bags. The kids are there to celebrate the birthday child, not to receive gifts themselves. Free yourselves from the tyranny, expense and waste of party bags today!! It is very liberating...I have never done them. Only one child has ever said to me 'Don't we get a party bag?' and I said 'No. You're getting a bit of cake to take home'. 'Cool', he said.

  2. It is OK NOT to invite the whole class to your party. Talk to your child and ask who they really want to be there. Not only will they not be that close to some of the kids in their class, some of them they may well actively dislike. In life, we don't always like/are liked by everyone. We don't always get invited to every event. It's a good life lesson for children to start to learn early....

  3. RSVPs are a long-standing and practical social convention to allow the host/hostess to cater for numbers. It is appalling manners not to reply. Don't make excuses for not doing so. It is rude. Takes 20 seconds to compose a brief text/email to say 'Thank you for the invite, but we are not able to attend'.

  4. If you want to have an expensive magician/clown/entertainer for your kids party, go for it. BUT DON'T FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO. My daughter still says that her best birthday party ever was the 'Posh Frocks & Pearls' party I did for about 10 of her friends. They had to get OTT dressed up with long gloves, posh frocks, feather boas, long strings of beads, etc. They then had games such as Deportment (walking around balancing books on their head; if they fell off, they were out), Elocution Lessons (speaking in a posh voice) and Etiquette (taught them to drink tea with their pinkies stuck out, etc). We had high tea with charity shop cups and saucers. All very tounge in cheek; they LOVED it and were hysterical with laughter all afternoon.....

  5. Give your child options for their birthday. Sometimes they might well want a huge party. Other times, they might want to invite 3-4 close mates to go to the theatre or cinema, or on a shopping trip with pizza.

  6. And the golden rule......if it is going to cause you financial difficulty and stress...DON'T DO IT!

RosesareSublime · 10/06/2016 16:01

But tank - distraction is a major issue in my home too which is why I deal with invites in some way as soon as I get them, even if its a reminder to deal with it on my phone

pollymere · 10/06/2016 17:53

This used to be a real issue but I have noticed that people who don't reply usually don't come. I've found that older kids lose invitations so often have to follow them up with a text. In future write that no RSVP "we will assume you can't come". Work on that principle for this one so if you have guests who turn up, you just apologize and turn them away. I know it sounds evil and hopefully you won't need to but you can easily say you have to have a maximum number for safety reasons. Can you not ask at the school gates first though? I've never done whole class parties as thirty feral children is no fun for anyone.

starry0ne · 10/06/2016 18:56

RE party bags I have done lots of different things..books, footballs from pound shop and science kits which were ridiculously reduced.

I can say re big parties, the party child still seems to stick with their small group of friends. The largest party I ever did was 23 children which included outstide school children , friends from school, over 2 classes in his year ( 60 ish children) ..At this point DS was a floater and harder to whittle down,..

I have just asked him (9) what his best party ever was it was this years.. I think he just enjoys the latest thing.