ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

You can't say this thread gives poor value, as the OP has been on since God knows when but pretty well continually.

I think you are worried about travel and getting ready for your holiday. Your FIL s behaviour isn't helping. However all this chatting to everyone about how awful he is and his mental health isn't good. Venting is fine but not constantly it uses too much energy and leaves you feeling worse. Your husband obviously feels differently about his father than his mother and sisters because he's asked him to stay and look after the dogs. Try not to get too annoyed about everything in the run up to your holiday. I hope you have a lovely time.

I'm I the Southern Hemisphere, and for once, have had a quiet day with my son.

Luckily I know I'm not being unreasonable,

Most people think you are. But if you are so sure that you aren't why did you ask?

For all of you who say poor FIL. He taught his son to grow drugs and sell them as a child. They've move past that but my partner is still that little boy trying to please his father. He keeps him at a distance but is tying to have a bond and let him have a bond with his GC. So yep, pooooor poor FIL. What a good man.

Yes, that's why I Asked the sister too. But like I said, he in nightmare. My MIL is wonderful and she is honest, which is why I asked her. if FIL was wonderful, surely my SIL and MIL would of said so or just not said anything?

My MIL is wonderful and she is honest, which is why I asked her

Sorry but no ex is ever going to give a glowing reference of the ex.

They are an ex for a reason.

Keep drip feeding though....

Massive drip feed, were we supposed to read between the lines and ascertain that FIL was a drug baron manipulating poor defenceless children? TBH it says a lot more about you and your DH that you are happy to have him around your child.

He may have, but nothing in the behaviour you have described is indicative of a mental health problem in isolation. But there may be a whole back story not included here (doesn't sound like you know it either).

So the options are, he doesn't have a mental health problem but has a difficult personality. In which case you need to find a way to manage this without escalating it (which isn't what you are doing at the moment).

However, if he does have a moderate mental health problem which is causing his behaviour your attitude is not great. You are solely focussed on being in control in your house and this seems to trump everything else. You feel that you are a good host which is lovely, it sounds like you are a good host to people who conform to your code of behaviours, when someone has a mental health problem they may struggle to conform to those behaviours.

That said, if there is a severe mental health problem (in the clinical sense not the ex wife having a moan sense) does he genuinely think he owns the house? In which case your dh needs to step in pronto and you need to rethink your plans.

You say that luckily you know you are not being unreasonable. Why on earth are you posting on "Am I being unreasonable" then?!

Look, I know how stressful it is having someone to stay and with a baby, doubly so. But what I don't get is... you knew what he was like, you said in your OP that all the family warned you against him, said he wasn't easy, you say he has MH problems. Why, in the name of all that is holy, did you then ask him to come and stay? Why? It was obviously not going to work.

You cannot go round telling people to "shushhh" and keep quiet and go to your room all the time. If you have people to stay, things get moved around, banana skins end up in the wrong bin, they don't squeegee the shower like you want, that is life, that is what happens when you have visitors. I do think you are being very unkind to your FIL, (shussh, don't talk, don't watch videos, please leave the lounge, do this do that yada yada) yes he sounds mega irritating but the poor man can't do right for doing wrong.

Your manner on here is incredibly rude. You get seriously snotty with anyone disagreeing with you and you are unpleasant about mental health issues. You think a banana in the recycling is a big deal. You won't accept anything that differs from your opinion of what is right and call those who disagree with you 'utter twats'.

You FIL has mental health issues and you are leaving him in charge of your home when you don't trust him to clean the shower and have hidden important papers.

I cannot begin to imagine how this has gone wrong

Pretty surprised at all the YABUs on the first few pages (stopped reading).

He sounds awful.

He isn't left alone with my child. Ever.

What about the dogs, though?

Sounds like you had his card marked before he arrived.

If I have guests I leave the room if I want privacy feeding. It's massively rude to demand people leave

You say he's got mental health problems. You don't understand what they are, yet you've guessed he may be autistic (are you autistic? a psychologist? what makes you qualified to diagnose), and no one will tell you what his mental health problems are. It could be that he has an addiction to autoerotic asphyxiation and getting caught, or it could be that he's just a man with something wrong with his brain. He may be literally unable to do the things you're asking of him. My father-in-law lived with us for over 6 months (in the last 9 months) and in a two bedroom unit, with a boy who's now two, do you know what we did? We cooked for him, we cleaned for him, he got our son's bedroom and our son moved in with us. He got the full wardrobe and the chest of drawers as there was no more room in our room, and we shared a wardrobe. If we wanted privacy, we'd remove the two/three of us to our bedroom. If we wanted to watch our choice of TV...we couldn't, we'd given him the TV remote. If we wanted to listen to music, we used headphones or the PC monitor's built-in speakers.

My FIL left cigar ash everywhere. He had bladder issues I didn't know about, and I'm still trying to get the smell out of the spare bed. He fed our son potato chips which set off not one but two of his serious allergies (soy and dairy) and our PFB's guts still aren't back to 'good' two months later. He left open bottles of drink everywhere, caffeinated and with child access. He peed in drinks bottles when he wasn't feeling up to visiting the bathroom, and left us to work out which was which. He never was able to babysit, as he wasn't safe to be left alone.

We didn't have meaningful personal space at all. We don't have the funds to go away. The balcony had room for our washing and a chair for him to sit and watch the day go by. He didn't put anything in the bin at all, never mind tidying, and left superglue and lighters out until we put them away for him. We ate the food he wanted (pescatarian, bad false teeth) and we loved him for every minute. And yes, he told us both to shut up when he couldn't handle more conversation.

It sounds like you've laid down a lot of things to remember for him which might be common sense to you but are cognitive load to him. It's possible or even probable that he's unable to remember what you're saying when he's actually doing the thing, and he thought that you were inviting him to house-sit, not a more functional version of him. As for breastfeeding, he's in some ways your second closest relative, and if he has issues with you breastfeeding in front of him he should leave, but if you have the issue, you should.

Likewise with the bin issue it sounds like he was treating it like his own home (for better or worse) and you were treating him like a child. The landlord's thing is strange - it may be that he has difficulty interacting with strangers over stressful things (in which case "I won't" was more reasonable) or that he simply resents you not assuming that he'll act like a sensible adult and use the landlord for anything needed. It may be that he said he wouldn't because he couldn't conceive a situation going wrong enough while he was there to actually use the info, and was saying "I won't need to, you're being paranoid".

If you can find it in your heart to love the people your DH loves for the reasons he loves them, however hard the are in other ways, you'll have an easier time of marriage and parenthood generally. At the moment it sounds like you and your DH are very much separate entities under the same roof (where you lay the law down) and it sounds like you may have control and/or anxiety issues that can be dramatically helped by a MHCP referral to a good clinical psychologist. I'm not judging you - I've had the same and can recommend someone in Sydney who was really good with me once I opened up enough to let them in and stopped trying to control them too!

Good luck - I hope if it is just his mental health issues you can find a way to strike an understanding. I get the video thing, my FIL is somewhat deaf and particularly finds it hard to concentrate on quiet sounds, so wanted the TV up at around 30-50 when we never have it above 7 and can hear it fine. 12 starts getting too loud for us. It's exhausting and unsettling, but sticking a white/pink noise generator app on your phone or laptop and using that may help.

I get also that you were totally unprepared to have a house guest who wasn't physically or mentally cognisant and understanding of the normal etiquette of staying in someone's home. I'm sorry his arrival has led to stuff that is stressful at an already stressful time. I hope it does improve before you leave.

In other news - the noise thing - it's worth building up background noise a little to normalise imperfect environments (this isn't 1500) and to turn music into a sleep trigger and have a baby who ignores background noise and self-settles rather than startles and shocks themselves awake. There are some awesome resources on how to make this change - our son has slept far better (reflux still means badly) since we put this into practice.

I think he sounds pretty awful tbh.

Moving your washing around, lying on sofa so no one elae can sit, declaring your home to be his home.

I can see it's also rude of you to try to send him to his room though. He is a guest in the circumstances you describe and needs to be treated as one.

However this whole thread screams at me that you shouldn't have had him to stay in the first place. If you want peace with your baby a known difficult guest was not the way to go.

Just managed to speak to my partner. Luckily he agrees his dad is being an ass. Thanks to all the lovely posters. I have drip fed ( I said I was terrible at this) but I didn't feel the drugs when my partner was little was relevant, I was just fed up of people saying poor FIL. I apologise about my rudeness, like I said, I'm very anxious about things at the moment. But I naive to believe the people around me would empathise with me (my FIL not partner, he is fine)

I was not aware of how 'severe' things were until this mornjng, up until then I thought he had it all under control and have always gotten along with him.

He truly believes he owns the house, mainly because it is 'his sons' house and he is his sons father, therefore has ownership over it. It's all very odd.

I mainly talk about my son, because it is mainly me here with him and FIL alone, when my partner is here, all is fine. It's when I am alone with himX

The dogs are in their kennel happy, but after all of this, I am worried about leaving him here. I never thought he was this bad.

I did not demand he leave, he was napping and ready on the sofa and I asked if he would mind doing so in his room as I wanted to get my son to sleep