ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

Why did you post on a board called "am I being unreasonable"? The clue to the purpose of this board is in the title - it's for people to get honest feedback on whether or not they are being unreasonable. If you don't want people to tell you that you are then maybe this isn't the best place to post.

I think most people are agreed that to some extent you are being unreasonable. Your FIL is too. If you don't want to hear that and learn from it, to adapt your own thinking/behaviour to reduce the conflict with your FIL then why did you post?

You know what, I do have anxiety about this trip. My sons routine will be fine, but is the first time in seeing my family in years and I'm sad about it. However hag has nothing to do with my FIL. Fuck. Read the thread.

You are one of the most unreasonable posters ive seen for a while.

He hasnt given up, as his daughter said, he chooses not to listen.

I love threads where the OP is BU but keeps coming back to add more and defend themselves.

All those words you used about your FIL and his mental health? I think you need to look in the mirror

No, I think that you've tried, that you do have strong ideas on how things should be done but that you've tried, and tried your best.

What MIL or SIL says is fairly irrelevant in the face of someone who walks into your house and treats it as his own. Guests shouldn't be made to feel unwelcome but equally, if you're a guest you treat your hosts with appreciation and respect, not arrogantly taking over.

You tried here, on paper it should have worked but it isn't. Better to grasp the (difficult) nettle, acknowledge that, discussing bringing the visit to a close with your husband and see what he says. It will be very difficult - it's his father after all - but you're very unhappy and that means that you need to look at ways at sorting this situation out.

The not-contacting-the-estate agent thing is a big deal in my eyes. Accidents happen and you are liable here, I imagine, especially if someone -is- there and doesn't take appropriate steps to sort it out.

I feel sorry for the dogs.

You've been very rude to your fil for no reason, you have treated him like a child and spoke to him disgustingly I think you need to think long and hard about the replys you get on this thread as giving a man a list of rules and sending him to his room is beyond rude and try to think about how uncomfortable you would feel if you were treated in this way whilst being a guest in someones house.

You are very very unreasonable. Hopefully this thread has been cathartic for you and will make you think again about being kind to your FIL. He too is unreasonable, we have all agreed with you on that, but on balance, you are worse since you are the hostess and he is doing you a favour and also like you said he has mental health issues. Cut him some slack. It is you who should be kind to him even if he puts his banana skin in the wrong recycling bin.

SeaEagle makes a good point about your FIL refusing to contact the agent re any problems as this could bugger up your rental contract big time. You need to get your DH to speak to his father about this, as it concerns your tenancy, and is not up to FIL's personal interpretation. If he is too unstable or pig-headed to agree, then he should not be left in charge of your house or dogs.

Where is your DP in all this lamington?

All I've heard about him on this thread is that he talks loudly with his DF and leaves wood chippings around the place.

He seems invisible in the midst of this conflict.

Really shouldn't be dealing with his father's intransigence around the not ringing the letting agents if there is a problem and banana skins in the wrong bin?

What does he think about the situation?

I can't believe how many people are saying you're unreasonable!

I can't imagine visiting someone and sprawling all over their sofa sleeping... if I want a nap I'd go to my room.

I also can't imagine visiting someone and watching videos on my laptop in a communal area when they have the TV on already. I wouldn't even do this in my own home, let alone whilst visiting someone.

If he's just slobbing around on the sofa then I think perfectly reasonable to ask him to do that in his room so you can keep to your normal sleep routine.

Then to tell you it's "his home" is just weird and discomfiting.

Either this thread has attracted some enthusiastic doormats or the pack mentality has gained momentum beyond common sense. I'm sorry you feel so uncomfortable in your own home, it's a horrible feeling.

Really shouldn't he be that should read...

Jeez, chill out - you sound really hard work

I think that you had been wound up about this visit beforehand through conversations with you SILs, I think that you have been expecting a very difficult man and because of this your anxiety levels were already raised.

He sounds like a typical 'blokey bloke', much like many - difficult to be around at times but not particularly out of order.

You sound like you are mum to a PFB, you are anxious and because of the conversations that you had before he arrived you are hyper vigilant to any sort of behaviour which would reinforce this perception.

You are both as bad as each other for creating and maintaining this tension, you with your need to control everyone and him with his resistance to this. Nothing you have said about him indicates that he has a mental health problem at all - you just don't like him.

Have you tried mindfulness?

I wouldn't go into someone's home as act as he had. I wouldn't walk in and start talking and shouting at the top of my lungs, full well knowing there is a baby asleep in the house. I wouldn't announce that I believe that the home I'm a guest in, is my house, so I will do as I please. I would not move laundry around and leave it sodding wet on the dog sofa. When they are putting their baby to bed, I would not sit their, in clear view of them, and starting playing videos on my laptop. I would not, leave cords hanging off tables in reach of a baby who could pull a very heavy laptop attached to it on there, even after being asked to plug it in else where. I would not sit their and leave all my cutlery and plates on the side, even when he say there watching me emptying the dishwasher, all ready for dirty dishes. So yes, I have been rude and a bit off, but I think anyone would be

I think everybody has agreed that the FIL is unreasonable. Nobody has said his behaviour is great. OP said he has mental health issues. That may explain some of his unreasonableness. But on balance OP is even more unreasonable than he is - in her case due to anxiety over settling the baby. A rock has met a hard place, and neither wants to give in.

I've got to post because I really don't understand the massively hard time you are getting here and I don't think are being very fair.
You have asked fil to do some things - the shower for example, not because you're being picky but because it has a negative impact if it's not done.
If I went to someones house (for whatever reason) and they asked me to do things a certain way I would do them because it is their house!
I wouldn't turn round and say no it's my house - how bloody rude!
OP has asked him to keep the noise down at baby bedtime and to not place laptop in potentially dangerous position for LO, those requests seem perfectly reasonable to me and fil sounds like a misoginistic unreasonable arse.
You don't move wet washing that is hanging and just dump it in a pile in somebody else's house, whether you are there doing them a favour or not! It's bloody rude!
I feel for you OP and I hope you can get through the time without too much stress.
Ask DP if he can have a word with fil? Stress to him the importance of quiet at baby bedtime for example as it's a big negative impact for you all if he doesn't settle quickly.

Otherwise - channel your inner duck!

Really you tell your guests how to clean the shower after them, to sit on the dog sofa and leave the room while you bf? Unless he deliberately leaves the bathroom a mess you just give it a quick wipe over if it isn't down to your satisfaction. He may be harder work than your previous guests but you sound incredibly demanding and unwilling to adapt your ds routine to accommodate him. A 8 month old wouldn't need to sit in front of TV to relax before bed, that is far more about you than him.

lamington, I do sympathise, because I have very difficult PIL, particularly MIL.

She will deliberately do things if she knows they upset you. And a favour is never really a favour.

While I know there is nothing I could do, and no way I could treat her which would make her happy, I have come to realise, over time, that I am not being a polite host for her, but for me. I want to see myself as someone who would be a polite host - that is who I want to be.

Just because someone is a shit to you, doesn't mean you have to sink down to their level.

I know you are tired and anxious, and he is not helping. But you need to let go of some of the small stuff. The banana skin? - just move it to the right bin. The shower door? - just pop in after he's had a shower, and mop up a bit.

Yes. It would be polite of him to do these things when asked. A polite guest would do so. But you can't make him into a polite guest. You can only control your own actions.

Incidentally, now you know what he's like, you can refuse to have him house sit again. So, remember, will be last time he does that!

User, he does. A serious one, apparently, that's all I've been told.

Harabi, thank you. I feel horribly uncomfortable in my own home, it's not a nice feeling. People seem to be okay with this. It's unfortunate, this is my first thread really, although I'm a long term lurker and have always thought of some lovely women being on here. This was not the case. Luckily I know I'm not being unreasonable, I Just needed a rant a moan. Unfortunately I've attracted some utter twats.

kawliga
"I think everybody has agreed that the FIL is unreasonable. Nobody has said his behaviour is great. OP said he has mental health issues. That may explain some of his unreasonableness. But on balance OP is even more unreasonable than he is - in her case due to anxiety over settling the baby. A rock has met a hard place, and neither wants to give in."

Yes. Exactly.
Other than calling him a pig, nuts and a loony, the fact that there seems to be genuine 'serious' mental health issues at play is pretty much ignored.
Mental health can seriously affect behaviour (pretty fucking obvious but it seems it actually needs to be said) so completely ignore that baffles me a bit.

It must be very stressful. The FIL is clearly difficult to deal with. But telling him what to do and generally being hostile clearly isn't working. On the basis of doing what works is probably the most sensible the op should reconsider her approach.

In ten days' time you posted "i left my FIL, who has severe MH issues, house-and-dog sitting for a week, knowing he would refuse to contact the estate agents if there was a problem" ...

... most of the posters here would be saying how utterly unreasonable you were to put all that responsibility on a man with mental health problems

:p