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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
kali110 · 09/06/2016 10:52

Are the horrible posters the ones that don't agree with you op?
This is one of the vilest threads i have read on here in a long time.
If i ever saw or heard my dh say or write these things about my family he would no longer be my dh.
Disgraceful.

Janecc · 09/06/2016 11:46

Kali. That's harsh. Due to being tired and stressed out, op was acting immaturely and irrationally at times and so was her fil. To come out with such a sweeping starement is equally so. They've managed to sort this all out as a family and that's great. Well done to you op, your husband and your fil. Tolerance and understanding is far better and yet often more difficult in many circumstances and if op can manage it, perhaps others would be better to take a leaf out of her book rather than continue to berate.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/06/2016 11:54

It's odd how so many people think the OP has been discourteous to her FIL, yet they show no courtesy and no pleasantness to her.

A lot of people saying "do as I say, not as I do" on this thread. Seems it takes very little for their own courtesy to be thrown out of the window.

(There are at least some posters as well who do disagree but have said so politely)

kali110 · 09/06/2016 11:59

Janecc not harsh, if my dh called my family the things that op has it would be over.
The op has said some horrible things, and then moaned At posters that haven't agreed with her.
Being sleep deprived does not give you A get out clause to say some of the things the op has.
I would never let my dh call a member of my family loony, nuts or an aggrogant twat, especially not a person with mental health issues Confused

kali110 · 09/06/2016 12:07

sea perhaps people do not want to show courtesy to a person who thinks it's acceptable to use that sort of language to a person who has mental health issues?
I don't think people should be outright calling her names and i'm certainly not about to do that, as those people are then no better,
but i'm also not going to say that that's it acceptable for the op to say what she likes simply because she's sleep Deprived.
On other threads if an op was using language to slag off a person with mh issues they would ve pulled up on it, no difference here.
It is unacceptable.

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 12:13

Kali, I did apologise for using inappropriate terms agains my FIL MH. It was said in haste and anger.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 09/06/2016 12:20

Perhaps they don't. But it's a little laughable that they expect the OP to be polite to an unpleasant and not-very-trustworthy person, but find no need to be polite to her themselves.

I was taught that you teach by example. Can't see how that's being put into practise here. What, exactly, do you want to achieve by calling her posts Vile and her Disgraceful? You can't seriously think that she'll listen and change her behaviour can you?

Also, MH conditions do not excuse being a jerk. They can influence how people behave, but considering that walking into someone else's house and saying that it's their own is ime more down to arrogance than MH issues. You can tell when someone is really speaking from delusional beliefs, after a while. It's pretty insulting to people with MH conditions to excuse -any- behaviour on the grounds that they're ill.

Janecc · 09/06/2016 12:30

kali One in four people will have some kind of mental health problems this year according to stats published on the Internet by mind.org.uk. That's 1 in 4. I know op says she doesn't have any. I'm not sure I agree, her anxieties and feelings seems pretty intense. Most mh problems go pretty much undiagnosed. Therefore, odds on most people will have some mh issues at some stage in their lives. Sorry but I think what you're saying no more mature than any of op has said. In general and regard to all mumsnet threads, it would be really nice if we could all be a little more tolerant and stop throwing the first stone by giving decent advice or saying nothing at all.

Pagwatch · 09/06/2016 12:38

"Kali, I did apologise for using inappropriate terms agains my FIL MH. It was said in haste and anger."

Nah - it was what you meant until you were called on it.
Posting them in haste and anger just means you didn't have time to disguise what you really think.

kali110 · 09/06/2016 13:03

agree with pag . Used inappropriate language throughout untill posters called her on it.
Janeso what if the op has mh that doesn't make it right!
I have mh, doesn't mean i can go and call the op nuts or loopy Hmm
I haven't called the op anything.
I stand by what i said though if it were my dh as that is the truth.
I would never accept him saying that. Thankfully he never would.

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:08

Not quite, it was a horrible and intense day, my feelings and emotions were completely heightened. I said a lot of things, which if I had of taken a step back and thought about, I wouldn't of said.
I'm sure we've all been in that position.

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:10

Luckily my DP, understands that people lash out and say things, and we both have a tolerance for certain thing. If I were castrated every time I said something to my partner, that would be a little ridic.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 09/06/2016 13:11

His father then came in and apologised for him "being a dickhead"

So he apologised.

Did you?

CoolforKittyCats · 09/06/2016 13:12

Luckily my DP, understands that people lash out and say things, and we both have a tolerance for certain thing

There are some things however that cross a line.

Pagwatch · 09/06/2016 13:13

Yes, just as well your DH doesn't mind you using pig, nuts and loony. He must be used to you

If I used them my DH would think I was a massive arsehole and I'd agree with him.

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:17

Yes, I'm sure my partner does think that of me sometimes! And I do so to him.

Yes, I said we're a family and for the sake of my partner and your GC, we have to make this workX

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:19

Just FYI, I didn't go ranting those words all to my partner. I wrongly assumed I had a bit of a free platform to rant. Which is why I came on here, to further avoid doing so in real life.

OP posts:
kali110 · 09/06/2016 13:20

Pag if mine said it about me in a row he'd be out the house.
I agree there is a line.
We've had rows but he's never said anything like that to me Confused

halighhalighaliehaligh · 09/06/2016 13:22

So your dp told him off and he's had to apologise. Well done. Did you apologise to him? Are you going to continue to send him off when you need the front room?

Pagwatch · 09/06/2016 13:26

They are not words that shouldn't be uttered in polite company - is that what you think the problem is?

It doesn't matter whether you said them to yourself, on here or shouted them in the street.

The point is that you refer to your fathers mental health issues in a way designed to be offensive about mental health.

But I suspect you are being deliberately obtuse and you keep popping up every time the thread goes quiet so I will leave you to it.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 13:31

Just FYI, I didn't go ranting those words all to my partner. I wrongly assumed I had a bit of a free platform to rant. Which is why I came on here, to further avoid doing so in real life.

That was kind of clear to me when I first read your post, and I think you shouldn't have got the outright flaming that you did. A rant is a rant, letting off steam, and ffs the OP apologised, more than once, for her terminology in describing those with MH issues. What do you all want?

The FIL sounds like a bit of a mare, and no, the OP shouldn't have invited him, and probably won't again, but she's probably bloody knackered and not seeing things clearly. It was just a bad combo from the start.

BoatyMcBoat · 09/06/2016 13:33

Sometimes, you just need to let off steam. Sometimes, that's the only option, so you go off and scream or rant here or rant at your partner, and then just carry on with that smile plastered on.

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:35

I'll leave you to it, Pag. I pop up, when I get the chance to because I have a lot going on. I'm not bloody sitting here calculating me next blooming post.

Thanks Dog! Spot on.

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 09/06/2016 13:37

I think your DP should've mentioned your routine for your son is. That way FIL would be aware what kind of atmosphere to expect.

My sister expects you to talk quietly downstairs when she's putting her DS(2.5) to bed. I've had my head bitten off a few times!

I think you've both not shown yourselves very well in this situation.

I feel sorry for your DP. Smile

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 13:37

Boaty, that's exactly what happened. And I'm glad it happened when it did, as the last few days here have actually been lovely for all involved! FIL has cooked us a lovely meal whilst we've been running around like headless chickens trying to pack.
Both his son and daughter are a bit Shock at how he has been the last couple of days.

OP posts:
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