ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

Bananaskingate says it all!!

The fact is, your FIL has schizophrenia, and will not act like other people who don't have schizophrenia. My best mate's mum has it too, and as a child I just thought she was weird, and that was pretty much the most thought I put into the issue until I was much older. She is weird in surprising ways, and if she's decided that she doesn't need her medication she becomes weirder and weirder until she agrees to start taking it again. This happens periodically and my friend and her siblings and dad have a hard time of it. Sometimes an outsider like me can help and sometimes we can't.

I can think of one thing which might help you a little. Have your dh take FIL out for an hour around ds's bedtime, so you get 15mins before and 15 mins after, when all is calm. You can text dh when ds is safely down, and they can stay out or come home. I'm sure there are places they can go. Once getting ds to sleep has been cracked you may feel quite a lot better about everything else.

Luckily, you don't have much longer to go until your holiday. Another thing which might help you get through it is to do some relaxation breathing. No idea why it works but it does : in through your nose to a count of 3, and out through your mouth to a count of 5. A neuropsychologist told me that actually it doesn't matter about the exact counts so long as the out is longer than the in. Do the in/out at least 3 times. This gives you at least a little pause before you react, which will help you enormously. Do it whenever you feel yourself getting a little wound up, and it may head things off at the pass.

Enjoy your holiday.

Oh...where has the OP gone?!

This op is really quite something

Totally winds me up when they bugger off and don't come back!!

I think you are only seeing things from your point of view. I have a child but have still felt offended or irritated when I have visited friends who put their child's routine before the time we were spending together. It is inflexible and rude from my point of view. If my guest had been in the sitting room and I wanted some privacy to breastfeed I would have said "I am really sorry but would you mind if I go into our bedroom for a half an hour to feed my child. Make yourself at home, watch tv or play on the computer." It is usual to put your guest first. I also think you are over reacting about the recycling and the shower etc. I think he probably tried less hard to conform to your rules because of how you were dictating them to him. You have the attitude that when in your house everyone should behave exactly as you do. But everyone is different. I would never have thought to keep the bathroom door closed for example even when my daughter was crawling. If I visited your home I think I would feel unwelcome and uncomfortable and like I was treading on eggshells. You have created the bad atmosphere, not him.

(Hopefully OP has now gone on holiday!!)

Sorry OP, but you sound more tightly wound than my nanna's perm! Do the breathing exercises advised above (youtube have loads of relaxation videos you can veg out to, totally recommend them, Mindful Breathing technique regularly stops me hurling my 12 year old out of the window or killing annoying work colleagues. Do it BEFORE a potential confrontation, makes you less likely to get screechy and out of control)

You do need to look at your own behaviour objectively... it seems to be the catalyst here I'm afraid.

You have asked your FIL to take a (long haul?) flight to house sit for you?
Who is doing whom the favour here?

Your FiL is a guest in your house... that means YOU make HIM feel comfortable and welcome, not bark orders at him and pick fights over small sh*t.

If you want to breastfeed and are not comfortable in front of him (fair enough) then you should just do it in your bedroom or your child's nursery, it is totally bad manners to order him to his room. (If a guest offers to step out and give you privacy that is fine, but don't tell them to)

Moving washing?
No idea what that drama was about.
You just rubbed him up the wrong way though, and resulted in stalemate situation.

Sorry but you decided to ignore everyone's advice and use him to house sit for you.
(Also probably nice for your DP to see his dad if he is a long haul away?) Kinda feel sorry for your DP and FiL here.

You are creating this drama, and being very confrontational and bossy from what you have written.
Would piss off most 'normal' people, so I think you need to stop fingerpointing and playing the mental health card.

I echo other's posts that you are speaking vitriolically about his mental health too.
I read above he is schizophrenic?
Bloody hell that is an awful illness. I know you are a new-ish mum, but have you studiedhis condition and found out his triggers?

Were you more laid back before baby and your anxiety levels have increased post partum?
I'd have a word with your GP or Midwife.
You need to sort your stress levels out somehow, as that absolutely passes to baby (it has happened to all of us with firstborns, don't worry, you are not alone! Lots of tears and frustration in those first 12 mths, totally normal, does not necessarily signify Post Natal Depression)

My lovely old Midwife told me to put my washing machine and tumble dryer on when I put my son to bed... I thought she was barking mad, but it was brilliant, and he ended up sleeping through anything!! (Still does! His nursery was OPPOSITE the doorless kitchen!!)
She said they are more likely to wake up to the slightest noise if their nursery is totally quiet... (OK, FiL bellowing maybe a little extreme, but you should not need absolute silence.)
More important that you are relaxed and follow a relaxing consistent routine. (No TV or iPad etc screentime for an hour before bedtime, it is a stimulus and will stop them sleeping. Brains need to wind down not be stimulated)
White noise not a bad thing at bedtime. (You can even buy white noise machines/ CDs if you want to try that... they go for buttons on eBay)

Also wondering how old your FiL is... could he be starting to go deaf? My dad had the TV SO loud til we got him tested/hearing aid (then he had it so quiet that none of us could hear it and we found out we are all a bit hard of hearing!!)

Go on holiday already and forget this drama.
Absolutely not worth it.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
You sound like you need a lovely break. Hope your DP takes baby off for lots of walks while you are on hols so you get a good break x

It's probably best she's gone as, whether one thinks she was in the right or in the wrong (or a bit of both) I don't really see how this thread was going to help her any more.

I wouldn't like to see the house when they get back from their hols

I understand you want support to get through this tricky time.
However you do have a lot of needs/requests-as does your baby. Dare I say you sound a bit precious about your need for living room/couch.(sorry)
This is a break in routine, a holiday for him. It isn't forever.
You now have experienced all that the family warned you of.
I'd stay safe. Don't put yourself in any vulnerable positions.
Perhaps you'd enjoy your time better out of the house?
Minimises time to get pissed of with this rude arse.

All the best.

Do you feel like he's trying to dismiss you / make you the 'little woman?' It sounds like there is more going on here than just household irritations.

I cannot believe what I am reading on this thread. Perhaps the OP didn't do the best job of explaining and maybe is a little worked up, not helped by everyone here loading on her no doubt, but I cannot see where she is being unreasonable in her original post. Yes FIL is doing a favour and yes he has alleged mental health issues, but that is no excuse for being an twat. Favour or no it is not his house and putting the washing onto the dog sofa because it was "in his way" was just a dick move.

Totally winds me up when they bugger off and don't come back!!

Why should she come back to a thread where many (not everyone) have been dismissive and rude?

My YANBU still stands.

Hi all,

I just wanted to say Thank you to the wonderfully kind people who have solid advice and offered a sympathetic ear!

I signed off, and for good reason. I am not a cruel or unkind person, which is how some of these posts made me feel. I felt sick all day and did not eat, it was awful, I was dreading my partner and his father coming home.

Luckily, I got to speak to my partner in private during the day. He agreed with me on all my points and said he would speak to his father. They came home, I stayed away. His father then came in and apologised for him "being a dickhead". Things have been fine since then.

Once again, thank you.

OP I don't know what the fuck happened on this thread but I don't think you've been unreasonable in the least. Well done for not being a pushover, I would like to be more like you. There's nothing to be gained from putting on some sort of gracious hostess act in this type of situation. You don't need to plaster on a stupid smile and be lovely to someone treating you, your home and your belongings like shit just because of some perceived social notion of host/guest etiquette. I bet if your FIL had been the one posting here everyone would be telling him he was getting off very lightly with your "extremely rude" reaction.

There's threads on here where people describe rude houseguest behaviour far less bad than this and you get loads of people going " you should have told them to fuck off and never darken your doorstep again"

You have every right to be uncomfortable and annoyed. You obviously had apprehensions before he arrived. The trouble is he sounds like a person who is oblivious to all of it. He actually sounds a bit like my step dad. Once he feels he's not liked, he bahaves terribly. On purpose almost. Cuts off his nose to spite his face. A bit like a child. Some parents help and others (esp men) feel that as they provided a home etc, that they have a right to yours.

In my opinion you have two options..

Terminate the house sit and send him packing (this won't be a pretty and could cause tention between you and your husband).
Or
Play some reverse psychology. Like you would with a child. Give him some positive attention, spend a day taking him out, maybe lunch etc. Make him think you've grown to like him.

With regards to your home whilst you're away I think you should pack away all clutter... No offence on the word clutter but the more minimal the place is the less mess he can make. Pack away food he will not eat, leave the fridge clean and practically empty. In other words, leave it like a holiday let and maybe pay a cleaner to go in just before you get back.

Hope this helps.

Well, Ettedo1... unfortunately, some people on MN can be sanctimonious at times, and they also seem to expect you to be as holy as them (which I'm pretty sure... in RL, they aren't). Often, this results in men being able to do whatever they want and women must just sit back and smile.

I also maintain my YANBU.

Oh, yeah... and some of these posts sound seriously passive aggressive!!! Berating the OP at first, and then wishing her a nice holiday. WTF.

It's hard when you're tired to think about things rationally, but I agree with some on the BF issue. When we had PIL over for the day when I was BFing I went to our bedroom and did it there as I didn't feel comfortable doing it in front of them. But when my parents came round, I did it in front of mum, but when dad comes later to get mum (he is working), mum shoos him in the kitchen and he doesn't bat an eyelid. I never asked...it was just mum's thing she liked to do.

My PIL bring allsorts of techy items with them and dump them around the living room, which annoys me, but I do try and think that it's only for a bit so just put up and shut up.

I don't think it's right how he spoke to you though xx

Often, this results in men being able to do whatever they want and women must just sit back and smile.

Actually i see the opposite. Men suffering from stress and anxiety or MH issues are expected to behave perfectly and a woman with a baby can behave as rudely as they want.
As i said above this was probably a case of they were as bad as each other and i hoped OP apologised as well.

Actually i see the opposite. Men suffering from stress and anxiety or MH issues are expected to behave perfectly and a woman with a baby can behave as rudely as they want.

Agreed

Well, we can agree to disagree then. There are plenty of people supporting the OP, which is what this forum is all about.

When I'm a guest at someone else's house, I conform to THEIR rules. I don't expect them to bend over backwards to accommodate me. That's what people are normal told to do!

Oh dear
Sorry to hear that you and FIL did not have a good start and it is now only going to get worse as you both seem egoistic.
Your husband may listen to your future daughter in law in similar situation but I do not think that it will go down well with you if she sets the rule on how should you live in your son's house for short period of time.
Fact is that it is not just your house, it is your dp's house too.
And whoever wins this supremacy fight over house(or indirectly over son/husband) only your dp will end up with a spoiled relations with you or his father and for him, resentments will follow later.
I hope that you act big enough to make up with your FIL as he is there for short period of time. This way, you will enjoy your holidays with your dp and will feel good about it too.
On your return, send him off with happy smile and avoid him having over in the future. Unfortunately, we cannot replace family members so better to have atleast this level of relationship that you can see in eye to eye instead of avoiding each other in future family occasions and keep justifying yourself in front of others.
That reminded me to be so grateful for my brother's wife and bother who are keeping my alcoholic father for some time due to his sickness. He is a real difficult person and have bad hygienic habbits(he forgets to even flush the toilet! Gross)
My brother has spoken to me few time to let the steam out about father but his wife is still showing patience as she has very strong family values (we stick together in thick or thin).
She surely has won the respect of my brother and family.
Hope you enjoy your holidays.

NJJK that was so beautifully put.

OP Im sorry I agree with the majority on here. At the end of the day he is there to do YOU a favour, show him more respect and he may return the same. Asking him to leave the room so you can breastfeed is terrible, what did you think was going to happen when he came - that you would banish your guest to his room every time you wanted to feed baby and he would be ok with that?

Somewhere in the thread you mentioned that you didnt know about his bad habits till after you already asked him to come. Well, it seems like based on other family members opinions of him you too have the same opinion without giving him a chance. He may be/do all those terrible things but he has come from another country, taken time out of his lovely life to HELP you. There's no better way of saying this OP - but you may want to get off your high horse, show him the level of respect he deserves as a guest in your home, as the father of your partner, as the person who is doing you a favour, and apologise. Then go away and have a lovely holiday.

Leelu66 - I think you'll find I wasn't nasty or rude to the OP and I'm my humble opinion offered some good advice. It winds me up if I've invested time and thought into a reply after being asked for one by the OP (on any thread) yet they don't come back. What is then the point? That's why it winds me up.