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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
Milzilla · 08/06/2016 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/06/2016 09:23

I would murder a slice of pie.

Who mentioned pie?! AngryGrin

Whisky2014 · 08/06/2016 09:25

:s someone who says he owns the house, refuses to do things she has asked just because she is a woman, not even declined politely. How about nightmare guest rather than nightmare host?

WHY IS THIS OK?

bruffin · 08/06/2016 09:29

How about nightmare guest rather than nightmare host?
How about they are both as bad as each other

Whisky2014 · 08/06/2016 09:31

I don't think asking someone to do a couple of things is that bad. I think its worse for a guest to recoil, talk to your host in a hostile way, refuse to co-operate, is worse actually.

Dragongirl10 · 08/06/2016 10:18

Erm...you were warned by all his family he has issues..yet because it suited you, you had him to house sit anyway.

If you are uncomfortable breastfeeding its no good inviting anyone over...or you could do it in your room then come out.

Where do you expect him to sit if not on the sofa? You sound most intolerant of guests ...so why invite him?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 08/06/2016 10:22

AIBU?

Yes OP, yes you are.

(I'm not a twat by the way.)

Treeroot · 08/06/2016 11:16

OP is sleep deprived, looking after an 8 month old, having to arrange a holiday and having to cater for a guest who is making a point of not doing the simplest things when asked (wiping down the shower screen so the floor doesn't get wet, not putting food waste in the recycling that the OP then has to fish out, not keeping laptop cables away from a crawling baby, not turning down a noisy film when the baby is trying to get to sleep).

The OP also has the worry of him saying that he won't contact anyone if anything goes wrong with the rented house. This must be so stressful - I'd be imaging the house flooding while I was away and FIL sitting there refusing to contact anyone!

And I don't know why anyone thinks it's okay for FIL to tell the OP that it's his house and that he's judging her.

The OPs DP (who I don't think has been mentioned helping much with the baby, getting up at night etc.) knew that his father has problems and that other family members had had difficulties with him in the past. Yet still he refused to put the dogs in the kennels and decided to ask his father over to house sit, leaving the OP to deal him as well as everything else.

It's the bloody DP that should be getting slated and he should be doing something to sort it all out.

KatherineMumsnet · 08/06/2016 12:17

Calling for peace&love here, if there's anything we could all do with, it's more support. Please do keep this in mind when posting.

CoolforKittyCats · 08/06/2016 12:25

The OPs DP (who I don't think has been mentioned helping much with the baby, getting up at night etc.)

Hasn't said he doesn't either.

Mysteries · 08/06/2016 13:49

YANBU.
Your FIL shouldn't hang around you while you are feeding your baby and getting him to sleep. I'm guessing that your living room is also your and the baby's bedroom.
Your FIL should keep quiet at the baby's bedtime.
You are probably exhausted as parents of babies usually are, and you need peace with your baby.
Don't invite FIL again.

MrsMimmy · 08/06/2016 13:54

I got as far as page 5, will catch up later with the rest. Just wanted to lend a little support from one mildly stressed out Mum to another Flowers

GabsAlot · 08/06/2016 13:59

havent read the whole thing but if he does have mental health issues should you leave hm aloone in your house

i know u say youve already paid but it could be dangerous-if u cant find someone to housesit dont go abroad

maybe he needs help rather than being barked at

Merrykatt · 08/06/2016 14:02

I don't think YABU really, you are sleep deprived and sensitive, worried about an up-coming trip with your baby. The presence of an insensitive man who expands his presence into your home and you and your baby's airspace is bloody annoying. Problem is, he is your FiL and your dp needs to talk to him -which he doesn't seem to be doing. It could be symptomatic of a deeper issue, do you perhaps feel that you are unsupported by your dp?. I have been in a similar situation and what irked me the most was my (ex) dp not seeing what I was going through. His mum being unpleasant was the tip of the iceberg. I could have handled it better if I hadn't felt I was so alone.
Anyway, if I were you I would retreat with my baby to the bedroom with tea and a book and some music, and not fight this battle, it will make you so stressed and you are still breast feeding and all over the place emotionally. Go easy on yourself and let dp handle it. I hope you have a lovely holiday!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 08/06/2016 14:33
Daddymcdadface · 08/06/2016 15:07

You are the mother of hus grandchild it is your house. I were him I would be trying to be as helpfull is I could be to you to my son because that's how it should be

nellieellie · 08/06/2016 15:41

Some of these posts are unreal. The fact is, this man is not acting in a normal civil way. He is showing no respect for OP, in fact treating her with contempt. Yes, he is doing her a favour, but that doesn't mean he can be rude, ignore normal polite requests, such as keeping quiet for a little while so that a young baby can get to sleep. Blimey, remember what it's like having a baby! The thought of having to deal with a house guest like that at the same time.......

impossible · 08/06/2016 17:59

YABU! I was expecting something terrible to have happened having read your intro but what seems to be happening is you have roped your FIL over to house-sit and, because he doesn’t follow your standards, you have been impatient and rude to him. There is no telling if he has mental health issues but you are making the worst possible interpretation of his behaviour. You seem to have been wary of him before he even arrived. I think you are being ultra-sensitive, maybe because you are worried about your trip, and you have made him feel unwelcome. You need to have a rethink - do you want to be at loggerheads with the person looking after your flat and your dog in your absence. If you cant be on good terms with him I probably wouldnt leave him to house sit.

whattheseithakasmean · 08/06/2016 18:03

I suspect OP wanted the dogs to go into kennels all along & secretly resents that her DH insists they get looked after at home. If she can have a big hissy fit about her FIL, she gets her own way on the dogs going into kennels. I think it is about power in the marriage, not really FIL's banana skins. FIL is playing into her hands by getting irritated by her rules & not obeying them.

1horatio · 08/06/2016 18:12

Why the heck did you invite this guy into your home...?!

leopardgecko · 08/06/2016 18:19

I wouldn't go into someone's home as act as he had. I wouldn't walk in and start talking and shouting at the top of my lungs, full well knowing there is a baby asleep in the house. I wouldn't announce that I believe that the home I'm a guest in, is my house, so I will do as I please. I would not move laundry around and leave it sodding wet on the dog sofa. When they are putting their baby to bed, I would not sit their, in clear view of them, and starting playing videos on my laptop. I would not, leave cords hanging off tables in reach of a baby who could pull a very heavy laptop attached to it on there, even after being asked to plug it in else where. I would not sit their and leave all my cutlery and plates on the side, even when he say there watching me emptying the dishwasher, all ready for dirty dishes. So yes, I have been rude and a bit off, but I think anyone would be

I'm sure you wouldn't act that way, OP. I wouldn't either. Nor would most of the people who have commented on this thread. However, your FIL has MH issues, and maybe that is why? Can you not cut him a bit of slack? One of my now adult sons has MH issues and would probably react in the way your FIL does. It wouldn't be because he is trying to be nasty, unkind or difficult, it is just the way his MH issues manifest. I often wish he had an obviously physical disability that others would understand and make allowances for, rather than the MH that impinges every aspect of his life and everyone judges him for.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 08/06/2016 18:21

He is showing no respect for OP, in fact treating her with contempt.

Whilst OP seems to be showing her FIL tonnes of respect and no contempt at all Hmm

Brightnorthernlights · 08/06/2016 18:45

You earn respect, you don't demand it. To be honest, I think he sounds as though his rudeness is a reaction to yours. You admit you want to be queen of your castle, doing things your own way and that you have been off with him. From the minute he walked in the door you were upset that he was disturbing your 'lovely' routine.

Brightnorthernlights · 08/06/2016 18:47

Actually, 'just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy' sums up your whole attitude towards him. You were shushing him from the moment he walked in.

eeyoresgrumpierfriend · 08/06/2016 19:00

YABU.

Your DH must be loving seeing you and your FIL treat each other so awfully.

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