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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
awhfuck · 07/06/2016 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedToCoYo · 07/06/2016 15:01

I just asked him to go to his room, I wanted to BF and relax in my living room, so ideally I didn't want him to be present, I don't feel comfortable to BF in front of him and was fed of him commandeering the living room, he was spread over the whole sofa.

That's a dreadful way to treat guest who is staying in your home. Either feed in front of him or remove yourself to your own room, but don't invite someone to stay and then banish them to their bedroom so you can relax in the living room alone. How very rude and plain odd.

I agree he sounds pretty awful but you are hardly covering yourself in glory here either. Hmm

awhfuck · 07/06/2016 15:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedToCoYo · 07/06/2016 15:08

I don't care if your the bloody Pope, if I'm trying to settle my baby and you talking is disturbing them, I will ask you to quiet! I'd rather someone be a little put out then have a screaming, overtired baby.

Wouldn't it have been a good idea to just take the baby to the bedroom instead of trying to settle him to sleep in a sitting room with guests in it? Confused

CoolforKittyCats · 07/06/2016 15:14

Did she do that to his face?*

Who knoes do you know she hasn't?

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 15:17

Did she do that to his face?

Who knoes do you know she hasn't? No, but I don't know she has, and neither do you.

awhfuck well you said "DS house" and I really don't care if you own a bit of it or not. You could ask him to write it down for you instead of being ignorant.

awhfuck · 07/06/2016 15:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedToCoYo · 07/06/2016 15:23

I am going to start counting down from 100 before the OP asks 'I didn't come on here to be argued with by a bunch of people who refuse to see I'm right. How do I get this thread deleted?'

Roussette · 07/06/2016 15:24

awhfuck I am worse than you with DD and her recyclying so I'm with you on this!

it really is not important, if she needs to fish something out the bin because I haven't got a clue what goes where, she does. It's totally different where she lives and it always seems to be changing. Do I care? Nope! I'd driven nearly 3 hours at the weekend to help her with something and she doesn't care a jot if I stick something in the wrong bin because that's what people are like when you are doing them a big favour and they are not intentionally sticking a banana skin in the wrong bin!. She did say "Mum, I now put costa coffee cups in this bin!". will I remember? Doubtful!

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 15:26

I wonder if the OP has been ousted out of her own home by the man who thinks he owns it.

awhfuck · 07/06/2016 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 07/06/2016 15:31

I wonder if the OP has been ousted out of her own home by the man who thinks he owns it.

Or maybe as she is in the SHELL she is asleep!

OrangesandLemonsNow · 07/06/2016 15:32

SH.

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 15:33

MAYBE!

awhfuck · 07/06/2016 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 15:37

Oh God. I know!!!

NewtoCornland · 07/06/2016 18:02

OP you are probably asleep right now or trying to settle the baby but I have read this thread on/off all afternoon and kind of feel compelled to write.

My first question is.....does your house only have one room? Does your DS not have a cot to, you know, sleep in rather than a sofa in the communal area?? And if, as you say earlier, you have always got along with your FIL very well how has he not 'creeped you out' before now? The way you write your OP is that you haven't really come into contact with this man, as you have had to obtain info from his ex who will always tell you the worst and other family members. Sorry, some things aren't adding up to me.

You admit to having 'issues' that means everyone else has to tip-toe around you and not 'set you off', in your own words and your needs and yet you are totally rigid in the way you deal with his apparent (I say apparent as you haven't stated that he has an actual diagnosis and you also stated that you had only heard in a conversation, so not necessarily told to YOU but 3rd hand information. Also you say he was admitted but haven't said to a mental health hospital, I suspect that this is, again, 3rd hand information and not a known fact) MH problems.

Another thing I don't understand and please correct me if I'm wrong which I am sure you will but you moaned at him for slobbing and falling asleep on the sofa, telling him off and sending him to his room to do it....because you wanted to slob about on the sofa and fall asleep. Is that correct? Can you genuinely not see how rude and obnoxious that was? And hypocritical. I'm sure you will just come back with 'but it is mmmmyyyyyy house I can do what I want' but that is just way off the mark of reasonable behaviour.

Now for my experience.....My FIL is a very difficult man. He is a total pain in the arse when he visits, he rifles through my cupboards, refuses to sit down, huffs if he isn't getting enough attention, reads our mail....the list is endless. He has Korsakoff syndrome, a type of dementia brought on by alcoholism. He is irrational, sometimes aggressive in the way he talks, repetative......a fucking nightmare guest. But you know what? He's the father of my DP and the grandfather of my DS so I make allowances. I wouldn't dare tell him to shut up talking because I am trying to get DS to sleep in the living room (especially if he had just spent the entire morning travelling to see us, which is what happens when IL's visit)....I would go to DS's bedroom and put him down there. I wouldn't bitch at him about not cleaning the shower (he probably wouldn't remember anyway Grin ) and I wouldn't moan about a banana skin in the wrong bin, I would just put it in the right bin. Some arguments are just not worth the aggro because he will genuinely not see he's being annoying.

DP says he was a shit father but he has proven himself, time and again, that he is actually a very good grandfather. DS adores him, and that is good enough for me.

OP you have not shone yourself in a very good light on this thread. I totally get that your DS has a routine (which will be out of the window when you go away btw, are you expecting your family to be silent in their living room whilst your DS watches TV to drop off to sleep?), when my DS was a baby so did he and I look back and laugh and cringe at what a total wanker I was about his bedtime routine. If I came into contact with me as I was back then, I would probably punch myself in the face!! I also understand, very well, what it's like to have a difficult person 'invade' your home despite being invited and doing you a huge favour so I am not minimising the stress it would cause. But you need to look at your own behaviours, both in RL and on this forum, to understand that the problem does not rest soley on his shoulders.

(just as an aside, I am pretty convinced that your DP is just agreeing to shut you up and not set you off)

TheOddity · 07/06/2016 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 07/06/2016 21:41

Oddity 😂😂😂

Jodie1982 · 07/06/2016 22:47

He sounds like a right arse. I'd be upset if I was bring treated like that in my own home too....Don't know why your getting such a hard time on here. I would be rather nervous leaving him to look after my home. Do you have anybody that you can ask to go to your home now n then to check in to see all is ok?

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 07/06/2016 23:30

Readers on a forum only get the advantage of one point of view on an issue. Some op's can put their grievances across which gather sympathetic responses. In this instance the op has managed to alienate the readers. So they can only assume that she has been rude to fil.

You cannot blame the posters who think the op is being unreasonable, because this time the op has been unpleasant and has responded in a hostile way. People can only work on the info they are given.

Habari · 08/06/2016 06:15

I must disagree with you Pinkandblue - I think the OP has responded in a very defensive way to extremely hostile posts. Not a good reflection of womankind. When we can't disagree with humility and kindness it is an incredibly sad thing. Shame on all of us. The title says the OP is shaking - regardless of how opposing views are, I don't think any of the posts are an appropriate response to someone clearly in distress.

bruffin · 08/06/2016 07:14

Pinkandblue
I agree. Any OP will downplay their own behaviour, and ten to exaggerate the behaviour of the person they are complaining. It astonishes me that anyone reading posts on any forum would think they are getting a full and true picture from an OP. There are two sides to every thread and as the saying goes "there is my truth,your truth and the real truth which is somewhere in between"

Roussette · 08/06/2016 07:55

I always think of threads like this as a pie. bear with me. What we are hearing represents just a small slice of pie. Then there's the whole of the rest of the pie which is the people involved, husbands/wives, circumstances, back story etc.

Smile
Whisky2014 · 08/06/2016 08:24

Any OP will downplay their own behaviour, and ten to exaggerate the behaviour of the person they are complaining.

So is that the same for the domestic violence and abusive partners threads on the relationship boars that are taken at face value? No. So this thread should be treated the same way. If you actually read her posts she says she "asked" and he refused.

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