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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
LunaLoveg00d · 07/06/2016 09:07

The OP and her father in law are both as bad as each other.

pictish · 07/06/2016 09:16

Have read the first page and skimmed the rest. OP I think it's you that's the problem. All your rules and authority and control!

He may well be a bit of a mare himself, but right now I'm feeling a bit sorry for him having to be around you and your....whatever it is that's wrong with you.

I sure as hell wouldn't enjoy a stay at your place.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/06/2016 09:23

Jeezo, for the life of me I couldn't work out why a thread about a fil would have so much activity, now I know. Not going to bash you OP, I think there's been enough of that. Regardless of the reason for you posting though, your attitude and responses to the members of mumsnet replying to you have been pretty awful. You posted on aibu and then threw a strop when you didn't get the responses you wanted. I'd back away now and hide this thread.

Gazelda · 07/06/2016 09:25

he must have felt unwelcome from the moment he arrived at your home. You've not tried to make him comfortable, neither treated him as a beloved guest nor as someone helping you out to enable you to travel to your family. No wonder he's become stubborn, defensive, obstructive and nonchalant to your demands.

tigeymctigerface · 07/06/2016 09:28

user7755 thanks heaps - I thought they were just TMI and too long! I'm just trying to keep the OP focused on the outcome and work out what it'll take to get there - it may still be hugely unpleasant for her but better for everyone else, and that might be worth it for her. If it isn't, the packing him on a plane option is probably a good one, and one I've wanted to do to my own parents.

Loving tip: never go on safari in a landrover with your parents and wife and no-one else.

Magpie18 · 07/06/2016 09:35

Another Tigey fan here

Waltermittythesequel · 07/06/2016 09:45

I think you need help. That's not me being a smart arse. I really think you need to see someone.

Do you have OCD?

Your issues sound as bad as his.

The thing is, you expect everyone to tip toe around you but FIL can't or won't (possibly to do with his mh) so you come on here and are rude and aggressive to people who don't agree with you!

You are being unreasonable, all things considered. And those in your rl who are agreeing with you are probably trying not to set you off.

He hasn't done anything to warrant this level of hatred that's coming across.

SemiNormal · 07/06/2016 09:51

It sounds to me that you have a contempt for people with mental health problems, as though they are beneath you somehow but I think that probably comes from ignorance rather than malice.

So you knew FIL was schizophrenic before arriving, did you do any research on the condition? if I was hosting someone with a condition such as this I would research first to get some kind of understanding about it. You appear to expect him to factor in your anxiety but are unwilling to consider his mental health problems - other than to sneer at the fact of course.

I get that when people mention schizophrenia it can frighten people because people oft assume they will be aggressive and unpredictable and 'strange' ..... I honestly think his mental health problems has coloured your view of him from the off. As for the opinions of MIL and SIL of course their biased, exes view always will be, he possibly was a shit dad and that's why SIL has her view .... but perhaps he was a shit dad because of his condition? Not saying that gives him an excuse to be a crap dad but schizophrenia can be one hell of a thing for someone to live with.

The stigma against those suffering with mental health problems is very damaging and I really hope that you don't pass the terms 'crazy' and 'looney' onto your child.

As for the rest of it - I don't think anyone could live up to your 'standards', but enjoy yourself up there on your moral high ground, it's lonely at the top.

IamaBluebird · 07/06/2016 09:53

You've had some really thoughtful replies on here Op. I'd try and concentrate on having a lovely holiday. Your son is only a baby but he will feel all this tension and that's not what you want.

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 10:07

I am a bit shocked everyone seems to be against you, OP!

If the guy was refusing a request to move, not talk quieter for a period of time to settle the baby but instead play loud movies on his laptop, if he put my wet washing on a stinky dog seat, if he said my house was his house I would be very agitated, confused, angry and feel like a stranger in my own home.
Especially the bit where you ask him to contact you or the agents if anything goes wrong in the house and he REFUSES? What the hell? I wouldn't be letting him look after my house.

However, I also wouldn't have asked him to house sit.

FlyingElbows · 07/06/2016 10:14

When you say your fil is schizophrenic do you mean that in the "diagnosed and medicated" sense or the "once changed his mind, pissed someone off and thus accusations of schizophrenia were born" sense? I don't want to alarm you, op, but I had a schizophrenic patient (actual real life sectioned schizophrenic) whose illness was discovered when he knocked down all the internal walls in his house! If you can't cope with stuff in the wrong bin then you might like to think twice about leaving your rented home in the charge of your "schizophrenic" fil.

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 10:18

But it sounded like she didn't know how bad the MH problems were until he actually arrived :s

I can imagine it being a bit of a shock really.

Janecc · 07/06/2016 10:22

I really hope you have a great holiday. Having this man around is really wearing on you and I'm really glad you've decided that he can't come to stay again. Tiger sounds like an amazing and very strong person. Im not strong enough to do what she does and I don't berate myself for being as I am. My fil also lives abroad and dh and I have agreed he can come for a 4 night stay each time he comes because I can't cope with any more than this. That actually suits fil too as he likes his home and routine and his dog. You say you don't have mental health issues. Maybe not to the extreme of some, however, you do get anxiety, which I do too and that can lead to mental issues if we don't look after ourselves. This is part of my make up and if I have demanding and difficult people near me for too long, my ME gets worse as they drain my energy. Thank you for your well wishes and sorry your mum has ME too. Flowers

DoloresVanCartier · 07/06/2016 10:27

OP, this thread has clearly made you more uptight and going over and over the things that are stressing you and trying to justify yourself is not helping your anxiety at this time.

You need to understand that whilst this is your home you have invited someone else to stay. If he is not listening to you regarding "your rules " you need to put it another way.

Write a list of things that make living in your home more comfortable for you all (or get DP to do it if it's better that way).

"Dad, squeegee the shower after you use it and make sure the doors shut tight or you will be using a smelly shower and walking into a soaking floor when we are away"

"Dad, don't want you to worry if something happens when we are away so here are the numbers for rental people/ emergency contacts etc"

Put little stickers on the bin, "rubbish" / "stuff that can be recycled" "dad, this stops the bins smelling and as its open planned the whole house will smell of the right bin doesn't go out with the right stuff in it, don't want you living in a smelly house"

These might help the situation as he probably feels a bit unwelcome and if your DP is trying to please him all the time he won't want to "have a word" and this might diffuse the situation.

I feel for you both, and the the breast feeding if you aren't comfortable if go into your room, he prob feels uncomfortable too, asking him to go into his room prob will have made him feel a bit banished and does he like his head out "you finished yet?" Isn't an ideal situation either.

Whilst it is your home and someone saying to me "it's my home " would get my goat too, but it's give and take, he's looking after your home so he had to feel comfortable in it, neither of you are helping the situation, try and relax or you will have a holiday worrying about your home,

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 10:27

The scraper thing with the shower - I also do this in my own home now as my dad told me to do it in their house as it means it dries a lot quicker and also don't have to clean it so often as the water isn't festering.

Don't see what the problem is with that either!

DoloresVanCartier · 07/06/2016 10:29

Whisky, I agree but perhaps the fil doesn't know why he's being asked to do these things and is seeing OP as a bit of a pain, it might just need explained why.

whois · 07/06/2016 10:30

Wow.

SUper rude and unwelcoming OP. FIK might be a nightmare but he was hardly given a chance to be nice as you were so off with him from the word go!

DownUnderBound · 07/06/2016 11:11

You sound really over the top. Throwing down rules and regulations and demanding respect? I'd feel very uncomfortable visiting someone if they were shushing me every five minutes

Waltermittythesequel · 07/06/2016 11:22

The thing is, from the get go you have gone out of your way to make him unwelcome and treat him badly.

Literally from the second he walked through the door.

Your baby won't die from not watching tv in the evenings!

Your dislike for this man is palpable, and that's through words on the internet. I can only imagine how obvious it is to him in real life.

Yes, he has MH issues. Yes, he moved your bloody washing.

But why should everyone have to pander to your issues when you are so unwilling to make allowances for his?

Your dp is doing his father a disservice by allowing this nonsense to continue. And he's doing you a disservice by not encouraging you to get medical help.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/06/2016 11:40

tiger, wonderful way of dealing with a very difficult situation.

AyeAmarok · 07/06/2016 11:42

What a harsh thread! Shock

OP, it sounds like you are both rubbing each other up the wrong way and because you dislike him and are stressed with the baby, and he's forcing himself into your space, it's all getting blown up out of perspective and everything he does feels like an attack on you. I don't blame you for feeling that way, given the situation.

Unfortunately on MN sometimes mental health issues are a get-out-of-jail-free-card to behave like a selfish, inconsiderate arse. It's amazing that most of the UK population adhere to the rule of law given so many have a reason to not have to bother.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/06/2016 11:52

Aye bit of a stretch to assume FIL doesn't "adhere to the rule of law" because he accidentally put a banana skin in the recycling bin. Hmm

awhfuck · 07/06/2016 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolforKittyCats · 07/06/2016 12:09

It's amazing that most of the UK population adhere to the rule of law given so many have a reason to not have to bother

What law has he broken then?

Whisky2014 · 07/06/2016 12:10

But it's not just the banana skin - it's everything else she listed as well. So throw them all together, I can see why she is annoyed!

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