ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

Didn't know what?

He has come over to do you a favour, he has mental health problems and you call him names. You have been extraordinarily rude to him, rang all and sundry up and bitched about him and banged on about having "authority" in your own home?

YABU, a terrible host and an arse.

If it's true that he has schizophrenia do you know anything about how well managed it is? If you're not sure, then YABVVVVU - you and your partner both - to leave him in charge of your house and dog for a week

When did I say I didn't know? I didn't know how to spell the bloody word that's why I avoided it.

And all I ask is for them to do simple things so I don't get so worked up

It's your issue to not get so worked up - not anyone else's

I didn't ask him to recycle, I asked him to put General rubbish in one bin. Not the other, I've had to pick out bits of manky food because of it. He knows what to do, but has refused to do it.

I don't know how to manage it, you're right.

I wouldn't walk in and start talking and shouting at the top of my lungs

He didn't do that, did he? It would be such weird behaviour that you would have mentioned it in your first post.

Why did you have wet washing in the living area anyway?

Will you be able to relax on yr holiday with him in your house?

Op I've just read Costa's comment above. She's right. I'm really not being goady, but you have mentioned your issues a couple of times. Have you ever sought any help with them?

Unless I'm missing something, the OP's partner has insisted that this man be left in charge of the house and dog when other members of the DP's family say has schizophrenia, and no-one seems to have much information on how/whether he is taking medication to manage the condition.

The DP has been very invisible in the debate so far. I agree that the OP seems extremely uptight, but surely I can't be the only one who thinks the DP is BVU in insisting on this arrangement?

I feel you are both being unreasonable. You are each only seeing things from your own sides. Obviously you wouldn't do things like leave cords around, make lots of noise around a baby, put clothes on the dog sofa because it's your house, your child's I you know the systems. He doesn't.

He is obviously not the easiest of house guests, but equally you don't sound like the most relaxed host. I can't imagine giving the long list of things to remember to a guest in my home as you have mentioned. My list would be things like this is how the shower works, if you need the heating/air con this is how you turn it on. I wouldn't ask someone to wipe the shower down after them and to put stuff in the correct bins. They are a guest.

As for the landlord thing. Why would you expect him to contact them in an emergency? I was a tenant. I wouldn't expect that. I would assume a house sitter would call me, and I would contact the agent?

Being a good host does mean you have to be the one that gives a little and relax your routines. And in return you may find him more willing to contribute

And all I ask is for them to do simple things so I don't get so worked up

Are you like this with your DH too? I am sorry to nitpick but how you have phrased that comes across as "my house, my rules, don't even think of disagreeing that I like things the way they are" with no negotiation, no discussion ... how on earth did you think that a FIL with schizophrenia was going to fit into your home?

Wet washing was in living area as there is no where else for it. It's pissingn down outside and I'm going on holiday and need clean clothes

You've been on MN for hours trying to defend yourself.

I think you ought to go and have a bit of a rest from the Internet.

I do have anxiety, and can be controlling when I'm feeling that way. DP knows that and I did warn FIL about that.

So you want people 'accommodate' your anxiety yet you don't want to do the same.

Some of the words you have thrown about and didn't retract until called out about it are disgusting.

It seems that accommodating feelings seems a one way street with you.

But you're asking if YABU, when you've pretty much decided that you're not.

How will you be sure not to fall short when you are away, with recycling correctly, cleaning up after you, sitting where you won't inconvenience others... If you expect this of your guests I assume same will apply when you are a guest elsewhere.

Wow. He's doing you a favour, not the other way round by house sitting and dog siting for you.

You won't let him sit I. The living room at night because you're trying to style your baby to bed.

YABU and sound like hard work.

thanks for taking things the way I meant them! I realise I was at points less than sensitive in my phrasing!

my FIL has issues which present as schizophrenia to people who don't understand that they're actually caused by a huge malformation in his brain, not mental illness. This has been tragically unhelpful as hospitals have locked him up in acute mental health and attempted to medicate for conditions he doesn't actually have, compromising his mental health further. He's got other health issues too.... how we coped? We coped because I love my partner, so her desire are mine, and her desire was to look after her dad. He's probably not got long left. He's also a bit less abrasive than your FIL, by the sound of it. But mostly that brings me back to the position you're in.

Very few people choose to be an asshole on purpose - and of those who do many are struggling with mental health issues so the 'on purpose' isn't actually as voluntary as they think it is. They're just 'wired that way'. It sounds like things your FIL probably wouldn't accept (proper psych evaluation, capacity and cognitive assessments etc) might help him. From what you've said I feel he has real deficits (and this is partly from being close to people who act similarly). The home ownership problem isn't a problem - he may believe it intellectually, but you sent him to his room. He's not got the power to kick you out.

The big question is, will he look after your dogs? If he will, you might just want to use one of my techniques and count the minutes it takes to clean, and estimate how long the cleanup will take. Can you pay someone else say $30x8 to clean after he leaves and hack getting back to a dirty house? If so, I suggest doing that if he can look after your dogs. As long as the bathroom doesn't flood if you set the washing machine to spin or any of those kind of things, he's been living with his own company for a while and can probably manage doing that and feeding and walking a couple of dogs.

He's only going to get older. Probably he's too old to change significantly, but you're not. He's your husbands dad, but you married your husband and can really support each other in dealing with his dad. Short of excommunication, his dad is your (plural) issue and getting and staying on the same page together is crucial. If you (plural) want him in your children's life, you'll have to be ready to help find him a nursing home down the line (or house him), possibly even shower him or change urine bottles. If your DH has to manage that alone without your support, it's going to be even more awful for him - and I mean your 'I'm with you' and 'It's my turn, I want to' not 'I'll be thinking of you while you do it' support.

I get things are awful now, but my take with my own FIL is that I want my son to have memories of his GF while he's alive to have them. I don't need my son to understand that GF 'isn't all there' or 'upsets mummy and daddy sometimes'. I need him to understand that GF isn't very well but loves him very much. Can you use a nursing cover and stay in the room to feed? Establishing some form of 'trust' orientation for the remaining time will be crucial as you want him to be thinking 'we got off to a bad start but she's really just worried about the bubby and flying' not 'why did my son marry that ***', for the sake of your children.

And for the sake of our children we can sacrifice much. Happy to PM if I'm being helpful. I understand that you haven't intended to push his buttons and have gotten into a situation where you've retaliated in kind. As he may be mentally unable (not just unwilling) to be the better person here, I can only see a positive outcome if you're the one who makes the situation positive and tries to bring everyone else round. That's really hard on you, and not awfully fair, but sometimes life is just stuffing unfair and we have to suck it up. If you don't have the strength to do that, it may be better to have a 'this isn't working' conversation where your husband finds your dad a new place to stay or changes his return date. The dogs aren't going to be scarred for life by kennels or a last minute change in dogsitter. But it would help if your DH stood with you on this and pushed him out. It might be a good time to find out in an uncritical way if he agrees you're trying to create an environment that's perfect for your DS to fall asleep a little too hard, and to see if he can help to either creating what you are doing or modifying that so your child stands the chance of falling asleep on planes, at friends houses etc. I'm in a wheelchair and my son regularly falls asleep while we're riding out around the neighbourhood - this has helped him fall asleep anywhere and wake up anywhere else without freaking out, for instance.

Good luck - you've got a hard situation.

Your posts are lovely Tigey, really heartwarming.