To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

Steak, just read your updates. It's great that she's applied for a job in a bar! A job is a job. If she wants to, she could eventually move up into bar management and beyond - managers in chains like Wetherspoons get well paid. Or, she might use those employability skills to do something totally different. Either way, its a really good start. I bet what worked was telling her you are refusing to pay for anything - do stay firm on this. If there is a way for a teen (or an adult!) to get a roof over their heads, food, a phone, social life, new clothes etc for free, then lots of people would take that option. You've got to make it less comfortable.
For those criticising bar work...I'm a teacher, and I taught someone who dropped out and got a starter job in McDonalds and is now managing his own store. He's 24, and has around 30 staff under him.

I agree with a previous suggestion, your
Daughter is showing blatant signs of a rare Autism Spectrum called Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. PDA. You can have PDA on its own or with Asbergers, ADHD.etc.
The biggest issue in PDA is the anxiety is off the scale. There are meltdowns, the demand avoidance is off the scale, as well as Role Play.
Can I suggest you look on the PDA Society website. PlanetAutisms blog page has info sheets with loads of information. Her FB page has lots of articles like the pressure cooker effect. The masking in school is common, wait till they get home and boom.
CAMHS understanding of Autism Spectrum is very poor.

I was your daughter many years ago . My parents did ask me to leave and it was the making of me. I am now the most successful and settled of my siblings . I wouldn't have got where I am today if it wasn't for my parents making me stand on my own two feet .

I'd be really careful about getting her out of the house. She sounds quite isolated and I'd worry that hostels or similar would put her in a vulnerable situation. And private renting would require you to be a guarantor. I think there's plenty of home comforts young people see as essential that you can heavily clip without denying basics. Expensive phone packages, money for non essential clothing and beauty products. Expensive hair stuff. Might motivate her.
I think she sounds anxious or depressed rather than anything else but there's not much detail. I doubt camhs would get involved at this stage. But services vary considerably and it sounds like she isn't open to it in any case just now. Her choice I'm afraid and sadly many people read getting support with the idea that theirs something wrong with them - ie they are a failure so tread carefully.
The bar job could be just what she needs. Just being out and productive can really help. It's social and provides structure plus some cash - and learning to see how hard it is to earn money. Good for confidence. Maybe just let that play out.
The big thing in terms of her being home is violence and aggression. What is she actually doing? How are you responding

why is this revisited?

Erm sorry didn't see date.

how is the situation now op?

Her daughter would still probably require a guarantor irrespective of her age due to her lack of income and assumably credit history.

I think a bar job would do her the world of good, would give her structure, teach her transferable skills and also improve her social life.

My mum kicked me out at 16. In the long run it did me good, I'm now in my late 20's with my own family, a degree and good, rewarding career. However from 16-19 I had to do some pretty awful things to survive and came close to suicide a few times. My relationship with my mother is fractured at best, and now I have my own child I know I could never do that to her based on my own experiences.

Oh crap. Just seen the date!