To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

Are you still with her dad you haven't mentioned him and if you're not it might be worth mentioning to the counsellor. I grew up with both parents so I have no idea what it feels like to not have a parent living with you. I hear stories from other people and it does bring a feeling of rejection.

If you are still with the dad sorry I mentioned it.

Sometimes young people with MH problems will refuse to go to see anyone because they are scared. Scared because they might be told there is something horribly wrong and there is no help, or scared there will be nothing wrong found and they'll be labeled an attention seeker and a terrible person.

Worse, sometimes this does happen.

Thing is, sometimes people do lash out because they are hurting. She might legally be an adult, but not everyone will miraculously become one the moment they turn 18.

Just consider this might be a possibility and try to get her some help. It helps if you can convince her that all you want is to help her, not "have her doctored," because there is something wrong with her.

Best of luck with her job application! It's a huge step in the right direction.

I just cannot comprehend that you are going to look into YMCA hostels for your 18 year old.

I am sorry. I just cannot understand why you think you can wash your hands off this girl who is clearly struggling.

I would suggest you take a look at yourself and your own parenting. Something is just not adding up here.

No decent university, I should have said. She might get something vocational at one of the former polys, - if she's lucky.

Yup the twats are out in force tonight

word maybe she only took one A-level? Plus, one A-level is fantastic!
I know plenty of bright people with no remarkable qualifications & some rather dim ones with a selection of them!

Intellectual snobbery much, Words ?

words and so what?
I assume you must be exceptionally bright & well qualified to cast aspertions on others.

FFS people
It's either PDA pathological demand avoidance or ODD oppositional defiant disorder (I think. I know less about this one)
PDA is very real and a part of ASD but laugh all you want

Well you rather skated over the violence thing which I think is a far bigger problem than the general lack of ambition / laziness. I think that there need to start being consequences for any behaviour that falls below what is considered decent - particularly if she is getting a free ride under your roof. It's a bit sad that she doesn't seem to have any ambitions so I would try and spark some interest in something even if you think the job prospects at the end are slim. Its Ok to not know what you want to do but you cannot sit on your arse and expect to be taken care of. I would insist that she either attend school / college or she gets a job ( and keep it). If she cannot stick to either of these then I'm afraid she needs to leave ( with the support plan that you have outlined) - set a deadline which is achievable - 3 months maybe. if she's at home during that time she needs to do household chores to contribute to the family- you're a team and everyone needs to pull their weight. Perhaps she is needs an ambition to aim for....would she be up for travelling? If she worked for 6 months she could save money to go on a great trip. The violence is another matter and you need to come up with a suitable punishment if she heads down that path again - it is completely unacceptable and if you don't address it you're sending the message that it's Ok. It may be poor consolation for you but a colleague was just telling me about his nightmare daughter - at 18 she failed all her exams, was taking drugs, forging cheques and taking money from him, sacked from jobs, arrested etc. 4 years later she has left all that behind and is trying to making a career for herself ( from the ground up). She's a lovely girl and can't now explain why she was such a nightmare as a teenager. Your daughter can change too and although you should continue to encourage her you should be ensure that you are not enabling the bad behaviour you describe. Good luck.

A levels mean jack all!
I have a friend who didn't do A levels and now doing very well with British Airways.
My DH did crap with his A levels (failed and plenty Es) and is now about to become a Doctor in his field with a PhD.

For those taking the piss out if PDA would you do the same at a person in a wheelchair or using a walking aid?

Liz I don't think it's washing her hands of her daughter - it's not like she'd not keep in touch. I made the suggestion as I lived in a YMCA hostel when I ran away from home aged 17 and then a Stonham one after a couple of years there. It did me a lot of good to be forced into some independence and get some professional help - I found that key workers and other professionals could help me in a more objective way than my parents.

It may not be a solution, but it may be that her daughter does better living somewhere else, even temporarily. It would also give the OP a break - it sounds like both the OP and her daughter need a break from living together, IMO.

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon you never know my daughters maths tutor was never diagnosed with Dyslexia until he got to university. His teacher told him he didn't know how to teach him. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean they are not suffering with a condition.

Sorry just read the whole thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with studying a vocational course if was an option. Bar work or waitressing or any job really is better than no job and sometimes spending time doing something slightly dull or not very well paid can show you the benefit of studying and aiming a little higher. ( no slight intended to any of those jobs)

What the hell are you on about sunshine
I am addressing posters taking the piss out if PDA not saying it doesn't exist

Saramel

Who is DG?

Op, some parts of your posts also ring bells with me. My dd 7 has ASD and is very demand avoidant. If PDA was a DSM-5 diagnosis, she'd have it. In our area it is not yet a diagnosis. As a poster said above, please google Tania Marshall or tony Atwood and see if anything rings true. There are many who just don't 'get it', but it sits on the autism spectrum and is a very real diagnosis. Have a look, if it doesn't make sense, great, you can listen to others on this thread; but I think it's worth a look.

Is she violent, abusive and sweary to everyone else? Teachers? Other adult family members? Restaurant staff? Retail assistants?

Evening all,

Thanks for the reports about this thread. We've deleted a number of posts which we felt were disablist, and thought now would be a good time to post a link to our This Is My Child Campaign.

One of the aims of the campaign is to debunk some of the unhelpful - and incorrect - assumptions about how children with special needs behave - and suggests how we can all challenge those assumptions to help alleviate the stress this places on parents.

Please take a look at Myth 1: Behaviour disorders are a fashionable excuse for bad behaviour and poor parenting

It's written mostly about children, but the broader point (that people with these disorders could do with some understanding and support) applies to adults too of course.

Many thanks.

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon to be fair, it COULD be PDA or the other disorder but you have no idea, do you? You just cannot diagnose over the Internet, you just can't.

With my sister, sure, she could have pea. Or - which having watched her be pandered to, spoiled, fussed over, and never had a single consequence enforced on her all while allowing her to control everyone else - that she is like this because unfortunately she was never disciplined. My sister definitely has MH problems, but to just randomly say 'it's PDA' when any number of things - including simply being a self centred twat - can cause the same behaviour is just maddening.

Just in a bar but it's a start.

Wow. talk about judgemental.

Given that she had basically no qualifications she isn't going to get a good job straight off. And this 'just' nonsense is not only belittling to her it's also incredibly patronizing to everyone who works in that industry.

*Wordsaremything Sun 05-Jun-16 21:57:31
She can't be that bright if she only got one a level! No university would take her with one a level, surely?
Add message | Report | Message poster HopefulAnxiety Sun 05-Jun-16 21:59:42
Word lots of bright people struggle with academic qualifications, what an ignorant comment. Plenty of universities would accept her in a few years as a mature student (21+).

I have a high IQ, have two A Levels with poor grades and got accepted into university twice.*

Considering that 99% of University courses specify THREE a level grades then any course accepting 1 a level is really not somewhere you want to go.

I totally agree with Word on this,

It depends on the university course and what you want to do. Any form of study is good because it leads to further study. Life long learning. My partner don't stop learning he does a course at least once a year to improve his skills.

I would say rather than university tell her to get a skill the earning potential is very good. She could work for herself if she sorts herself out. Good luck Op

People really should stop trying to label others on the basis of snippets of information-it's so unhelpful. These diagnoses take a great deal of investigation and assessment by professionals. Apparently though, the OPs daughter has ADD/ADHD/ASD/PDA and ODD. I'm sure the OP feels reassured by this!