To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

Seen this carry on before. I believe that the OP is going along the right lines. I was not aware that she would need to be guarantor on a flat share or other accommodation. That is not good. I would not advise getting into that situation. However she can not have violence going in the house and I think there are other DCs at home but it is not given if they are older or younger but it is not good for them to see their parent being bullied by DD who does not go to school or college or work. If the other DCs are younger they might think this is the way to go. It needs action to stop it getting any worse. And once she is set on an independent life the OP could have demands for money for many years forward. It is not a good way to live for an 18 year old girl.
If drink and or drugs are involved that is really bad. Being in with a bad crowd can affect future employment. It is too easy these days to check people out.
Stay safe OP

You poor thing. Reading with interest as I can see myself in your shoes in 2 years time. Very clever 16yo DD puts no effort in at home, at college - bombed her GCSEs. Mean to her brothers. Refuses to get a job.

It's tough. It's really rough.

Do nothing for her. Not a thing Never wash her clothes, change her bed, buy her clothes or give her money. Never prepare special food for her or keep it warm if she's not around.

But be very calm and kind in explaining why. She needs to learn about rights and responsibilities. She needs to find out about effort and attainment - how all this stuff connects. Remove all the comfort buffers from her life. Meanwhile, continue to be genuinely enthusiastic about and supportive of anything she shows aptitude for. Be emotionally loving but withdraw all the easy trappings of life with parents.

expect her to cook each week two or three times. Be nice about it, but expect it. Ditto any other jobs around the house and garden. Discuss how she will want to keep her home when she has one of her own.

These ideas are based on ones by Janine Caffrey who wrote Drive - a book about how to help teenagers motivate themselves when they can't be arsed to do anything with their lives. It's a good book.

Be open to any ideas she has - however removed from your dreams for her.

Never feel guilty or torn about encouraging her to be independent and productive and never ever make it seem like a punishment or chore - more like an exciting set of skills to acquire.

Another one kicked out at 16 and turned my life around, so I don't necessarily disagree with it.

But I don't see how it's practically feasible unless she declares as homeless - but this puts her in an extremely vulnerable position (it's the route my parents went and it was hellish - I was put in a hostel with lots of substance abusers. Moved to a hostel specifically for younger people which was a little better, then a beds it, then a flat after two years - no idea how it works nowadays though)

Really, don't pay the first three months on a flat. Her flat, her rent. If rents in your area are unreasonable, show support by offering to help her furnish and decorate it, or give her the deposit.

My son was like this over 20 years ago, extremely bright , never had to work for good results, at 18 everthing suddenly went pear shaped. It was drugs, and took about 10 years to get my lovely son back. I was so ignorant about drugs, the signs to look for etc. I couldn't understand why he no longer cared about the rest of the family, or even his own future.

If she is abusive to your other children, could social services help? They may be able to help accessing suitable accomodation - I know in the town I live in now there are supported living flats for teens who cannot live at home - sort of a halfway house so they do still have some supervision whilst learning skills to enable them to live independently.

What does she want to do?

Could she go and do something like work in the US with Camp America for a while? It would give her a focus and something to do, and would give you all breathing space for a while. My friend's son was like your daughter (but not violent, just lazy), and he came home ready to go to college and study.

Clashcity is right, if you put a deposit down and rent a flat for her then you will have to sign as guarantors and will be liable for unpaid rent. It could go horribly wrong.

Nope. Finding her a room or a flat-share will mean you will have to be her guarantor. No landlord would taker her on otherwise. That could turn into an open cheque-book. Do you fancy covering her rent indefinitely? As this is very, VERY LIKELY to happen.

You should giver her a choice: study, find a job within a defined period or leave. But she absolutely needs to know that you are serious or she'll play you like a fiddle and will still be in your home wreaking havoc for the foreseeable.

Not where did you go and what were you supposed to do abroad?

MIL kicked all her kids out one at a time at 18. No notice, just bye bye, and she wonders why they have no relationship with her. Dh was the oldest so was completely blindsided. His sisters had an idea what was coming and made some just in case plans.
With our older boys (now 22 and 27) we told them they have to be working at least half time preferably full time, or be in full time education or they have to move and fin their own way. So they had choices. Both worked after school and Uni and one has been back to College and now is working again. While living with us an working they pay towards the house, small amount, but enough. They also had to pay all their own bills. Phone, car, petrol, personal stuff, clothes etc. I buy food and do washing and pay the utilities.
You really need to give her the choices and give her a set amount of time to get it sorted. A month seems reasonable. She can't live as a child forever.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade.

Not with those grades she couldn't.

If she's violent and doesn't want to be in a flat share the costs could well amount to significantly more than just guaranteeing the rent.

It's harsh but if she can't play by your rules at home then she needs to leave and sort herself out.

PDA is Pathological Demand Avoidance and part of the autistic spectrum. Previous poster may have been thinking of Oppositional Deviant Disorder (ODD). Neither are copouts or madeup disorders and many mumsnetters will be struggling with children suffering from these very real disabilities before people choose to mock.

If she is abusive to siblings and is aggressive then at 18, I think she should get to see that you don't have to live like that.

My SIL had a similar issue. She moved to a smaller property and refused to take her eldest son. He refused to study or work inside or outside the house, and aged 19, he had to sort himself out sharpish.

He got a job and managed to find a flat to share. Now they have a really good relationship.

It's not fair on the other DC if eldest rules the roost like this. Time for a wake up call of some sorts. Good luck.

wolpertinger Just took the words right out of my mouth. My nephew has PDA and it is a very real condition, not to be confused with naughtiness.

Who pays for her phone, her clothes, her make-up and haircuts, her social life and her music downloads? If the answer is you, then you are making the problem worse. I would never kick a young person out onto the street. HOWEVER, I would make her life so uncomfortable and basic that she would want to work to get anything above the minimum standard of living. So, if she continues to doss, she gets the 3 meals a day that everyone in the house gets, but no special food that she likes. And that's it - no new clothes, phone etc. If she wants those, then she'll have to work for them or return to her studies.
The only reason kids get away with being spoilt, lazy brats is because someone is making it comfortable to live like that.

Have you heard of the Foyer? Someone I know was having problems with her daughter, not as bad as you as she was never violent, but they helped her lots. It's a stop gap to finding their own place and becoming independent.

No one should have to live with a violent daughter. This sounds awful.

foyer.net/about-us/

Wow thank you so much everyone! Some great ideas here. Had not considered the guarantor thing - it's a very good point.

Definitely no drugs. She doesn't socialise and has few friends.

I pay for everything but gave her notice last week that I am not giving her another penny. She has a little birthday cash but once that's gone I hope it will motivate her!!

Amazingly she has just come down and has showed me that she had applied for a job!!! Just in a bar but it's a start.

She had always been difficult unfortunately, just gradually got worse as she got older till we reached the point where she became unbearable to live with.

This is a great sign. Don't knock 'just in a bar' work. It can be good money. They need to organise their lives round work as they do shifts. It requires them to develop a good polite face to customers, and there's great camaraderie. it's actually a greta job for people with mild autistic spectrum disorders as it is relatively easy once you have the hang of it, but really helps with social skills.
Encourage her to spend a third, save a third and give a third to you as housekeeping. That will help her budget in the future.

I can tell you now that as guarantor for any flat, which you will have to be, it will all fall to you when she defaults , and she probably will. However I do sympathise as it must be so frustrating to watch

She won't have to be at all. Her daughter is an adult.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositional-defiant-disorder/basics/definition/con-20024559

Thanks, Wolpertinger, I was meaning one or other of those disorders, which are indeed very real.

I have a friend with a child with ODD and it has been hell for them.