To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

OP, I was talking to a very high flying, high powered, high earning mum from DC's school the other day. She told me she flunked her GCSEs and A levels and messed around for a couple of years then suddenly grew up, got sick of being a waster, did an Access course, an OU degree, (got a first), an accountancy qualification and has worked her way up steadily to a top job. She said she needed to have a few years bumming round to get the point of academic application. I was very impressed.

Least she is showing willing its a start isnt it dont wobble though encourage her but stay firm

I am interested to hear what you have done, in the past, to help her and support her. And I don't mean financially or physically.

Have you addressed the obvious lack of self esteem? When she refused school, how did you react?

Is she depressed?

She is 18 now, but she has been a teenager for the last few years. It is a tricky time, and she has obviously been struggling with it. I think its quite harsh to brand her a parasite at 18. You are basically writing her off. It sounds like she wrote herself off years ago.

Yes 18 is an adult, but only just. She is still young, has no idea about the world. It is your job as her parent to guide her into the world. 18 is not some magic number that makes our kids automatically mature and enables us to kick them out.

Btw of course she can get into college with a few qualifications behind her.

NotAMamaYet I have a 12 year old did you struggle with the school work and is that why you played up a lot with you're parents. Well done for sorting you're self out it's not that easy on you're own.

Is there any supported accommodation she could apply for - round here it's small shared houses or self contained bedsits and flats, rather than hostels, with tenants allocated a support worker who will work with them until they're ready either to successfully move back home, or move on to their own general needs tenancy.

If she's staying with you, she definitely needs to have her own income - JSA or work - and contribute to the running of the house as an adult.

You don't want to put her in a place where there are other dysfunctional young adults who have come out of the care system. She will come back worse than when she left you. You have to vet where you arrange for her to go.

Has she ever been tested for ADHD? She wouldn't need hyperactive part to have the condition

She could work in Gala Bingo they are always recruiting or care work in old peoples home or independent living. She could be a nursery worker the jobs are endless.

Insist that she puts in a claim for JSA immediately. She has to be contributing to her keep. How many hours is the bar job she's applied for?

I agree with LizKeen. If your DD has low self-esteem this may be why she doesn't want to attempt things, if she's afraid she might fail. And yes, it could be worth ruling out depression, just in case. Lacking interest, moodiness and negative thinking can be symptoms. Great to hear she's applied for a job though

Gosh, I must remember to tell my friend that she should just try the no-tolerance approach to her child's autism-related disorder. Does it work on Asperger's too?

It sounds like she has some issues that need to be addressed. I would start with the GP. Meanwhile, I'd continue to feed her and pay for transportation to iinterviews and for work clothes. I would provide NOTHING else.

I'd try to be very calm with her and be very supportive of positive steps. Don't say things like 'just in a bar'...that belittles what is a massive achievement for her.

Don't say things like 'just in a bar'...that belittles what is a massive achievement for her.

Yes I thought so too.

Abraiid1 I'm sorry I didn't realise she had those disorders it must be very hard for your friend

There are some proper twatish comments on this thead which are really offensive. Yes making 'demands' can cause great anxiety and demand avoidant behaviour. That's not to say the op's child does. But you don't beat autistic spectrum disorder out of children by not tolerating it. These conditions are real not piss takes. It's no different to saying people in wheelchairs are lazy.

Thank you.
understandingpda.com/2015/04/03/pda-is-not-odd-knowledge-is-power/

You think a violent, abusive 18 year old would be ideal to work in a care home or in a supported living environment or a nursery? Seriously?

I would think a lot of her behaviours point to a need for a mental health assessment or some other support?

She's 16 and she is struggling, yes don't pander to her but also be there and parent her rather than washing your hands of her.

Maybe see what support/ resources are around for struggling teens? Or see if you can find another adult who might get through to her/ she might open up to?

Please let me suggest a depression as a possible cause... It could be she is in fact dealing with that and having difficulties at recognising it, which could result in aggressive behaviour, especially if it was a recent or a fairly sudden change from an otherwise normal childhood.

That being said, please bear in mind I am only suggesting this as one option, I am not saying one bit this is definitely it, just that if it is, it could explain a lot. Try to have her assessed. If it all turns out ok, YANBU, she needs a bit of tough love, for her own good.

In any case as it must be a total mess of a situation to deal with...

Bolograph pda is a form of autism your post is very offensive.

It's telling that she doesn't socialise and doesn't have friends. Obviously something isn't right in her world but as she's an adult the OP surely can't have her assessed unless she wants to engage?

My parents kicked me out at 18 and probably could've written what you did op.

What actually happened was I was diagnosed with a serious mental health problem and am now NC with them for various reasons - a major one being they weren't there when I needed them.