To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

Has she ever seen CAMHS? From personal experience, it strongly sounds like she has undiagnosed mental illness and/or has a condition which is part of neurodiversity (eg ADHD or on the autistic spectrum). Not socialising or having friends is unusual in an 18yo.

Young women who are not neurotypical are criminally underdiagnosed and frequently labelled as 'parasitic' and 'lazy'. I appreciate it has been tough for you, but as a non-NT person all of this is ringing alarm bells for me and I'm feeling very sorry for your daughter

Sunshine, Bolograph, Bear,
Don't be twats your whole lives.

Thank you wolpertinger. These are real conditions when diagnosed by a professional rather than 'I think my kid has ADHD so just excuse their behaviour' like a family member of mine did. Totally different when it's a formal diagnosis. These kids can't just be told to buck up their ideas

sunshine didn't struggle at all, this was half my problem, if anything found gcse's easy -despite complete lack of working or revision I ended up with 10+ A*/A's

When it came to the actual work at A-Levels then I struggled!! Although I put this down to lack of work ethic rather than ability if I'm honest. I never had any type of work ethic within school.

On the contrary though I always had part time job/s aged 14 upwards....

Thank you for posting about this, OP. I'm sorry I can't be if any help, but I feel like a lightbulb has went on in my brain!

I have a 25yr old at home that I've been having similar problems with. In recent years I've, as has his brother and two close friends, strongly suspected that he suffers from some form of high functioning Aspergers, ADD or something similar. I think it was missed as a child as everyone viewed him as 'sensitive', a perfectionist, dare I say it, quirky. He has become very difficult to cope with as the years have went on, but I have found some techniques suggested by friends, help. For reasons I won't go into his younger siblings needed more hands on support so I think this us why he was 'missed'.

The syndrome discussed here sounds so like him, it's as if they were talking about him. He's on a waiting list to be seen, but unfortunately there us ONE adult specialist in all of NI, so we could be talking years.

Good luck with your daughter, OP. I hope you get the advice and help you need.

She doesn't socialise, has few friends, is very unmotivated, is sometimes raging, has no interest in anything...

Why would you kick your clearly depressed DD out before accessing appropriate help?

Just want to second what Hopeful said....I also have ASD and alarm bells are well and truly ringing for me here.

Tania Marshall's website is a good place to start.

OP, none of us can tell you why your daughter is like this. If she is depressed then maybe she would be open to talking to someone about it? Obviously she's an adult now though and needs to consent and engage with any sort of consultation/treatment.

Do you have a relative she could stay with for a while, to get some space and perspective? Preferably someone she would listen to, and discuss her behaviour with. Sometimes teenagers just won't talk to their parents, or get tied up in thinking of them as the enemy.

She may be struggling with some sort of illness but if she isn't (or won't agree to finding out) then you have to assume that she is choosing this path. My sister did this and was determined not to work even though my parents arranged jobs for her. Every time she messed up my parents took her home and sorted out her mistakes. She is living with them again now and she's 45. They will probably enable her idleness and tolerate her aggressive behaviour until they die. Don't do that, please.

Op, I think you sound very nice. Too giving though. Your dd is now 18. I think you need to tell her that as an adult, she has to start contributing to the household.

She needs to pay x amount to you each week, clean the areas she uses like the bathroom, her bedroom, hoover the stairs and clean the kitchen. She needs to wash her own clothes, iron them, put them away.

Aggressive and hostile behaviour will be fined and her rent will be increased by £2 each time she displays such behaviour.

Getting a bar job is definitely a start. But will it lead anywhere? Plus it'll be late nights and she won't be functional in the day times. Are there any apprenticeships she might be interested in?

With reference to the doubters of ODD/PAD, my ds1, who is only 11, gets extremely angry if I ask him to do anything like get dressed or clean his teeth or pack his school bag. It's quite bizarre to observe. Exhausting and depressing too.

He will actively generate delays so that he doesn't have to do what we ask immediately, despite urgency, in order that he can feel in charge.

His hostility and aggression is getting worse and everything is always everybody else's fault. They make him get angry by asking him to do things or wanting to go out when they do. It always will be everyone else's fault.

And yes, I guess he does act like "a cunt" as another poster upthread suggested. But he just doesn't respond to any kind of carrot or stick. I dread him getting bigger and stronger and then him realising I actually really have nothing to make him do what I need him to do. He has zero respect for me now and I don't imagine it's going to get better.

On one of my threads about my sister, whose behaviour was insanely awful at the time, I was told she likely had PDA and that I was a terrible human for not putting up with her behaving like a cunt, being controlling, explosive, obstructive and abusive - oh, and try love bombing. She's 30.

Ignoring bad behaviour is tacit acceptance, and it just enables it. If she's abusive to you, you shouldn't have to deal with that - ask her to find a place and move out.

Thank you all again.

I did get her to see a counsellor but she would only go for a few sessions then said she didn't have any need for counselling. I have suggested she is depressed to her but she just laughs at me and swears at me, she will not go to GP.

I have been very encouraging about her job application, would never say 'just a bar' to her.

I do not want to make her leave and would much rather she chose to but I also have to think of her siblings and my own mental health, she makes our house a very tense, unpleasant place to be a lot of the time with everyone walking on eggshells when she comes down spoiling for a fight which she will pick with the first person who crosses her path. It's not fair to anyone to live like that.

Getting a mental health assessment is more difficult when the son or daughter is over 18yrs as they are classed as an adult and need to refer themselves, they can't be forced to attend appointments by a parent.

It's great that your daughter is actively seeking work. I hope she will now start to take more responsibility for her life.

Zippy that is my nightmare - ending up with an adult in their thirties or forties who cannot/will not support themself!

I'd just like to offer my sympathy op - it is beyond tough with teenagers (sometimes)
I'm also going to report the thread so that MN can have a chance to delete the offensive ignorant comments.

I was your daughter at that age. My mother was /is uneducated and had her own ideas of what I should be doing with my life. she never encouraged me to pursue the subjects I was good at , just made me feel guilty for not wanting to do sciences , I stupidly agreed, I passed, not with flying colours,and became a drifter.
She is doing the same with her GD, but my DD is wise to her ways.

This problem brings back terrible memories. I had a daughter who made our life a nightmare as we were always on a knife edge and I also had 2 younger children who were starting to copy her so after her refusing to take responsibility for her mental health, I eventually suggested in a row that I find her somewhere else to live. She left home that day and never came back. Her DG, who had encouraged me to eject her, took her in, spoiled her rotten and sympathised with her every step of the way. It has taken years for us to get back into a more healthy relationship but her feeling of abandonment remains despite the fact she can see that I regret ever opening my mouth. One thing we have learned though is that she suffers with anxiety so when cornered she gets that fight or flight response which, if she can't get away, causes her to fight/have a complete meltdown. For years we put her moods down to depression (she had tons of counselling) but that was secondary caused by the anxiety which was picked up by the CPN. Although it is a book about Borderline Personality Disorder, I can thoroughly recommend Walking on Eggshells for coping strategies. It has certainly made life much easier for both of us as I don't get frustrated by her behaviour as I understand it more and she is more aware of what her triggers are so is more able to say.

I hope you find a way forward and I hope she gets the bar work. It is a start and shows she has been listening more than you though she had.

I think you should present it to her as going to the GP or moving out.

OP, you should not have to put up with an 18-year-old who swears at you in your own house. YANBU, she needs to either behave and contribute, or leave.

Bar work is a good start. Ds has been doing that for 3 years, full time at first, then part time while in college and now back to full time while he applies for jobs he's trained for.
It's good, they get to sleep in some days (typical teens) and it's very social, she'll make more friends. The pay is pretty good seeing they get tips as well.
It may be what motivates her to go to college, it did for my Ds, he saw friends going on at the weekend, his busy work time and so wanted to train and get a weekday job instead.

My DM dismissed my wishes to train as a chef or textile designer (things I was bloody good at) and told me I would earn a pittance ( she married well ,twice)
OP have you encouraged your DD to follow her dreams?
My exceptionally bright DD wants to be a hairdresser.. much to my DM's horror. But I know in my heart she will make a fantastic and well paid career out of it.
I think her apathy might stem from your family dynamics.

OP I do genuinely sympathise and I appreciate it must be difficult. Is there anyone she opens up to, perhaps another family member? I think Saramel's advice is good.

Stonham (I think they may have a different name now) and YMCA hostels would be able to support her and give her some independence - she may be more comfortable getting professional help in those circumstances.

Depression and imbalance of hormones, my cousin had it for 18 mths, until taken to Dr, different person now. Still cries a bit but at least not abusive and the home life is happier.
Sadness and tears from my aunt made my cousin decide to get some help.
Rule out drugs and bad company first though.
Notamamayet.....great solution, if can be done...

She can't be that bright if she only got one a level! No university would take her with one a level, surely?

Word lots of bright people struggle with academic qualifications, what an ignorant comment. Plenty of universities would accept her in a few years as a mature student (21+).

I have a high IQ, have two A Levels with poor grades and got accepted into university twice.

I will look at that book Saramel, thanks.

I would honestly encourage her in anything she wanted to do, but she's shown no interest in anything! Perhaps she just needs to try out a few different jobs and mature a bit before deciding. I hope.

Was not aware of ymca hostels, will look into that.

Thanks to all who have posted, really appreciate it.