To be panicking about parasitic daughter

[Steakandchipsfort]

Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.

She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.

She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.

She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.

This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-

Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.

Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.

She is 18.

This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl

*It depends on the university course and what you want to do. Any form of study is good because it leads to further study. Life long learning. My partner don't stop learning he does a course at least once a year to improve his skills.

I would say rather than university tell her to get a skill the earning potential is very good. She could work for herself if she sorts herself out. Good luck Op*

I agree with you - I personally think that any sort of education is important. I started uni 15 years ago and after 3 degrees and two masters I'm still studying. I love it and would encourage anyone who want s to learn to do as much as they can.

But from what the OP has said her daughter simply doens't have the qualifications to go to uni right now. So I'd advise a college or tech course to redo her a levels or get a btec that would allow her to progress.

I don't think anyone is labeling - just pointing out that there are actually possible reasons for her behaviour other than her just being lazy and parasitic.

HopefulAnxiety

I was not suggesting you were wrong to suggest a YMCA hostel. I have had a similar experience to yours, in that I too left home at 17, but I think we see it differently.

OP has not woken up one morning and randomly found herself in 2016 with an 18 year old who is struggling. This did not happen in a bubble. You make a valid point that people outside your family were able to help you in ways your parents couldn't, but since the OP is the parent I directed my comment at her. If the OPs DD was on here, my advice would be different.

18 is not a magic number whereby you can just hand your kid off to a YMCA hostel, or some random roommates in a houseshare. Neither can you entirely blame the 18 year old for the way she has turned out. Something has gone awry somewhere along the way, and IMO the OP should be looking at what she could do, or should have done, rather than looking into ways to move the "problem" (!!) elsewhere.

clarrp it's very ignorant. Universities are often willing to look at things like life experience for mature students over their grades - the universities I attended are good universities and I had offers from other good ones. I'm not suggesting that 1 A Level is ideal, but suggesting that she can't really be bright because of it is utterly wrong.

Thinking of you op. Sounds really hard

Liz I don't think think the OP is just looking to abandon her DD somewhere. I agree though that 18 isn't some magical age where one automatically becomes a mature adult and that there should be no leniency after that.

I'm sure the OP could have done better and could work to fix things.

The OP has called her DD a parasite. Lazy.

There is no kind of insight into what has caused this. How they have got to this point.

Even after pages of people suggesting all sorts of causes for this behaviour, the OP is still saying she is looking into where her DD can go.

I just cannot fathom it. I have a child with issues. We are waiting on assessment. We are now getting support and the support worker has told me that I have already implemented most of the stuff she would have been doing with us. Things have improved significantly. A part of that process was me looking at myself, looking at the relationship between me and my daughter and working to improve it in any way possible. I am, and always will be responsible for the relationship between us.

All the responsibility here is on the 18 year old.

I think that's because the 18 year old is abusive, Lizkeen. Nobody should have to resign themselves to abuse, whether from a partner or a family member.

I'm not saying OP should resign herself to it.

Trying to help and support her daughter and figuring out what is behind this is not resigning omeself to it. She has a responsibility to her child.

(I was working and contributing) my mum threw me out of her house... Its something I can't forgive her for, particularly as she did it on the advice of her abusive biyfriend. It ruined our relationship. She has no relationship with my son. It was soul destroying.

Don't feel bad about any decision you make, just know that there may well be resentment if you evict her.

I really think there is too little information here to judge properly, but I know that in my case, it did me the world of good to be nudged out of the family home at the age of 17.

I am by nature a lazy sod and if anyone had been prepared to fund me forever, I would have been dependent forever.

There needs to be more funding for supporting people with MH and SNs and their families.
There comes a point when a family can no longer cope with aggressive behaviour and OP has reached that state.

Recently there was a thread where a family member had MH issues and was violent. The title was so goady MN agreed to change it, although the details were still worded offensively.
Myself and several other users were flamed for daring to suggest that someone with MH problems was not in full control of their behaviour.

'What actually happened was I was diagnosed with a serious mental health problem and am now NC with them for various reasons - a major one being they weren't there when I needed them'

Yea I'm concerned something similar happening here.

Op has repeatedly avoided mentioning

If the child's father is in the picture
What the family arrangements are

I also agree with the pp's saying someone doesn't just 'appear' at 18 with problems with no cause for them.

Illness, disability, poor parenting (both deliberate and non-deliberate).

What's leaping out at me is the ops apparent desperation to rid herself of 'the problem' (her own child). Plus the negative descriptions

Lazy, parasite, 'always' been difficult etc

And no I'm not saying you just tolerate abuse but there are multiple other options and I'm also sceptical this started overnight.

I'd suggest family counselling or a referral go CAMHS for your DD.

I haven't repeatedly avoided mentioning the family situation. Yes her dad lives with us and she treats h the same way as me and her siblings.

No the problem has not appeared overnight and we have been trying to support her for years, I have posted many times on mn under different names. Her problems did not appear overnight, her behaviour has just gradually got worse and we have tried to address it in many ways including counselling, lots of 121 time with us, tutors, drafting in support from other family members she is close to.

I do not intend to wash my hands of my daughter but it is unfair to her younger siblings to grow up in a household with someone who shouts, swears and hurts them and their parents.

I'm sure I could have done a better job of parenting her, I am well aware that we have clearly failed somewhere and have agonised over what we could have done differently. Not had other children? Sent her to private school?(she has blamed both of these things before). I am sorry for using the word parasitic but it was how I was feeling when I wrote the post about an adult dd who refuses to get a job.

Thanks for all of the replies, and those who have provided very helpful advice.

My brother was an extremely difficult child who grew into a difficult man.

No, it didn't happen overnight but it got to a point where it had to be dealt with. Everything in our house was decided by his whims and moods. He was verbally and physically abusive. He wanted to leave home at 16 and did, but that didn't go so well so he came and went until he was 18. My parents said "go to school, get a job, or go" and gave him a time limit. He went and has been working full time more or less ever since.

His life has not been roses and it hasn't followed the average path, but he has supported himself. He's almost 37 now and is finally working on a real home for himself (he just lived here and there before, including my garage for a few years) and a few weeks ago went to the doctor on his own accord for some help sorting out his anxiety and depression.

It's really hard to know the right thing to do, OP. But in the end my parents had to think of me too, the way you will have to think of your other children.

The bar job is a good start :) Do any of her friends rent a place?

I don't think this has been mentioned but have you considered getting help yourself to deal with her? Counselling as you've said your mental heat is suffering, which may help you also in assisting your younger children.

I would never be a guarantor however tempted. I'm a landlady and I had some tenants, who went on to have a child. Her parents were guarantors. No circumstance change, both worked and they just stopped paying the rent. The parents were reluctant to pay and the agent informed me that they'd contacted the parents informing them they had to pay - it was all new to me at the time and for me, a guarantor was more because the tenants didn't have high incomes or were young. I was concerned about chucking out a baby and also concerned with the parents paying and even more so as they said they were struggling. I got the agent to get assurances from the parents they would house the tenants. These tenants had no intention of handing in their notice and in the end flat refused to pay the rent. I had to give 2 months' notice. In all, the parents paid perhaps 5 months as 2 of the months were ad hoc earlier on in the tenancy. Were I a more unscrupulous landlady, I think the parents may have been paying for years.

I guess I just remember the fact thatim my parents eyes I was "always difficult" deslite working part time jobs since 14 and doimg well in my GCSEs.

Clearly this isn't the same as that, but in these kinds of threads I would love to hear the other side of the story and hear what this teenager has to say about why they have given up on themselves.

*that in

I get you, Lizkeen. I'm coming from the other side, having lived with my sister, who made my own teenager hood a misery, and whose teenage behaviour contributed to my parents relationship breaking down. though back then she was a child, so obviously she wasn't 100% responsible for her behaviour.

When I hear 'always difficult' what I think of is: holding the rest of the family hostage and making threats - if you do/don't do this, I will (smash this lamp, throw this phone at your face so it breaks your nose/scream and scream and scream abuse at you for upwards of 20 minutes). So you know, not just not being a happy little stepford kid, but serious stuff. But that's my experience, and your 'always difficult' might mean something completely different.

In my sisters case, at 30 she is still abusive to my parents whenever is suits her, and though she lives and works a 2 hour drive away during the week, she insists on 'going home' at weekends. My mother drives up to collect her, then back the other way on Sunday evening. I now live away and don't see my sister much, but she still uses family occasions as hostage situations - if she is unhappy, everyone else must be too. She will deliberately set out to ruin the evening, and then be 'sorry' after. MN has been very helpful for me in finding ways to deal with her behaviour.

Re: the OPs daughter, I agree these issues didn't come out of nowhere, and I don't think anyone is suggesting that the OP simply boxes up her daughters stuff and throws her out, but looking at my sister, I can't help but feel that this is the worst case scenario. And i think that if my parents had simply stopped enabling her, stopped pandering and let her stand properly on her own two feet she would have learned, like most do, to take responsibility for herself and her own life, and I think she'd be a hell of a lot happier too. I do appreciate what you're saying and I think there is a massive space for support, but I honestly think hands off support would be best for her - ie after she finds her own place, counselling sessions if she wants them, help finding a flat or house share, help job hunting, reassurance that she is still part of the family, invitations over to dinner a few times a week etc.

I'm sorry for the hi-jacking the thread with my story, I just think this is a crucial point in this young adult's life and the best thing for her is to strike out on her own and start growing up (in a good way).

I totally get where you are coming from pandarific. It must be incredibly frustrating for you to watch your sister be pandered to and especially as that is continuing now she is well old enough to stand on her own two feet. Your parents have a huge amount of responsibility for the entire situation though. It isn't all down to her.

Your "always difficult" and mine are indeed different. Mine is within the frame of a golden child/scapegoat dynamic and I am now NC with my parents.

I was "independent" from 17 and I almost had a breakdown. I have had depression and anxiety on and off for over a decade. Running away was my choice, and I resent my parents for my upbringing.

Now I look at my teenage cousins who are 19 and 17. I cannot imagine them out on their own with no money and nowhere to go. I cannot imagine not stepping in to help them, no matter what the reasons for the family breakdown. It brings my situation at 17 into perspective.

There are probably loads of posters on here who could come on and say "I left at that age, I did OK" and that is great. But that isn't always the case. And although I did OK on the surface...I got a good paying job, learned to drive, bought a car etc, inside I was broken.

An 18 year old is an adult, but a year ago they were a child. They don't have the life experience we have as adults, they don't even have the capacity to fully understand it. Throwing a teenager who is already having major issues in life into the deep end, well they will either sink or swim. If they swim, then great, but for me, the risk that they will sink is just too great, and as a parent I couldn't do it.

My 18-year-old niece was out on her own in a different country from her parents, owing to family breakdowns and her own mental health issues. It has been far from easy for her and she has had several mental health relapses in the two years she's been away from her parents. She chose to live in a city far from her family in this country. My parents, her grandparents, have had to bail her out several times. We have all been very worried about her. Her parents are both the other side of the globe, but she returned to the UK when she was 18.

In some respects, yes, she has grown up, found work and friends. But the sheer worry of learning, on FB, that she is having a mental health crisis, 200 miles away from us and we are about the only family she still talks to, is acute.

My brother and Ex-SIL both live abroad. They tried all they could with my niece, counseling, therapy, etc. I still think something was missed, and that is no fault of theirs, it's just that some conditions are little understood or only now becoming recognised. Her brother has Aspbergers and I think she may have another ASD condition, one which allows her to perform quite highly academically, when she will engage, and she hasn't since she was about 16. She cannot deal with people offering advice, becomes quite distressed, etc.

She is probably the cleverest of a high performing set of grandchildren and she is now working as a door-to-door salesperson, flagging all kinds of things. On the one hand, it gets her out of bed and forces her to engage with people. On the other hand, she should be at university, studying something she has a passion for, such as literature and broadening her mind. This makes me feel sad, at times. I have a 17-year-old and 19-year-old myself and they are not as grown up as they might like to think.

OP, this is so tough on you. Is there anywhere else you could go for help? could you afford a private consultation with a psychiatrist, if necessary? And if you could get her to go!

18 can be a very difficult age especially without a good social network. She more than likely is depressed if she hasn't many friends and hasn't found anything that really interests her, many young people just don't know who they are and what they want to do yet. She is probably sick of being asked what her problem is, why is she the way she is, what's she planning to do with her life, does she need a counsellor, which makes her feel like there is something mentally wrong with her which makes her angry and resentful and like nobody understands. I really don't feel like kicking her out will help her- it will make her feel more unwanted and more like she has no direction and is an outsider to society. I think if you have the money to pay for 3 months rent think about what you could offer her to change her mindset and give her a focus. Ask her what she would do if she had the money and how would she choose to spend it to move forward. She needs to find herself and what interests her and meet likeminded people then the rest should fall into place. Maybe volunteering abroad? Talk about careers and different options see what excites her most. Make her feel like she had endless opportunities and you will fully support her with what she decides to do. She probably is just feeling lost and in need of extra guidance, love and support.

Also is she aware that you would be willing to find her somewhere to live and pay 3 months rent? Because she might actually want to move out but not think she can afford moving costs etc?

Try to see the world threw her eyes she is not you're age and she doesn't have you're understanding of the world. I didn't have many friends at 18 or direction all I wanted was an understanding parent. Maybe counselling will help you to understand her more you seem to think very negatively of her. She will notice that.