Friend who adopted children ten years ago always refers to them as adopted

[Sunnymeg]

This is probably me being unreasonable, but my friend's behaviour is starting to grate on me. I have a lovely friend who has a birth daughter aged 16 with her husband. They subsequently adopted twin boys five years ago who are now eight. Whenever she talks about them to anyone she meets, she will mention that they are her adopted children, but the daughter is hers . She will do this whether the boys are with her or not. I cringe inwardly for the boys when we are all out together and she speaks about them. I have other friends who have adopted who just refer to their family without any other comments. I don't understand why she doesn't do the same. The boys are from her ethnic background, so as far as I can see, random strangers don't need an explanation.

Whoops just realised that I got the title wrong. I have known her for ten years!!

She probably had had a million questions about being pregnant with twins and had to either explain or lie.

Just ask her why she does it if you want to know.

That does seem odd

Are they of a different ethnicity? Does she do it to ward off the inevitable questions about her DD and the boys having different fathers?

And also if her DH and she and her DD are all one ethnicity and the younger boys are another it's going to crop up in conversation sooner or later...

Does seem odd, but

My parents adopted my sister when she was a baby and my parents never say the adopted one but the others are biological ours. We are all spoken about the same.

Don't know why I've put that BUT in that sentence

Here's a thought.... why don't you ask her if it is starting to 'grate'. Alternatively, get over it.

That would make me feel sad for the boys, too, but maybe she has decided to be completely open about the fact that they are adopted, and this is just her way of demonstrating that there's nothing to be secretive about? If they have any contact with their birth parents/family, that may be a reason to differentiate between birth family and adoptive family?

I think that is unfair on the boys and would probably say something. It should be the boys choice to tell people they are adopted.

I think she is afraid of being secretive about it. I wouldn't like it either but it own your business really. You could gently say it to her but I don't think I would

i know someone who talks of her adopted child, she feels very lucky to have been able to do so, so is very proud of it and her little girl is too.

plus i think its a little to do with some random knobhead who made a comment that the dc didnt look alike so being 'out and proud' nips any of that shit in the bud.

if thats the only negative your 'friend' does in relation to the adopted children then its probably very likely none of your business, to be perfectly frank

is it possible that she does it to start conversation and maybe inspire more people to adopt?

Some adoptions these days have a degree of openess. I know a friend of mine has adopted and her little boy has regular contact with his natural father.

Perhaps this is the case here so they feel comfortable with some distinction? Perhaps they just like to be open about it? Perhaps they don't feel it is anything to be hidden or ashamed of or different? Perhaps comments have been made before about them looking like/not looking like the family which have upset the children so this heads them off?

If they are otherwise happy I think it's a very trivial thing to worry about. I know that some people prefer to make absolutely no distinction ever, but it's horses for courses and different things will work better for different people.

When were they adopted out of interest? If not as infants it's entirely possible that people locally will know them as part of another family and they may want to avoid any unpleasant situations regarding that too. Or if the children remember their birth family well they may feel uncomfortable having that part of their identity denied or glossed over.

Just worked out they were 3. There may well be something there because from that age they would remember and perhaps there have been 'you're not my Mum' issues and the boys are happier with these sorts of descriptions.

I also think it might be to do with open adoptions.

It used to be thought that you shouldn't tell children they were adopted, and that it was a shameful secret. And then, later, I think people imagined that if children knew they were adopted, they'd feel less loved. I think open adoptions are changing that way of thinking.

I can see it might be an issue if it were 'this is my real daughter, and these are only my adopted children', or something like that. But is it?

Thanks for your comments. I know it is her choice, but I struggle with her telling random people, such as when we were in a queue for the cinema and she told the woman behind us in the queue and I thought to myself how odd that was as all the woman had done was ask where she had bought their minecraft t-shirts from . I can totally understand if it is someone she is likely to encounter again, or a mum from school for example.

It's likely to stop having to lie in subsequent questions. Happens to me all the time with my foster children.

My friends who have adopted and fostered children say it to acknowledge the adoption/specialty of the children/lower the stigma. They are also incredibly proud and pleaded adopting.

My foster daughter has gone through many different choices about what to call her. She's older now so sometimes I agree to not mention it - and then she gets into the sticky question area.

You can't win, we're all just trying our best.

I think it's ok. They are adopted and she probably thinks she is making sure they are not shy about their background. She might see it as a positive thing.

if she says it to randoms, I think it's because she is proud and I can really understand that.

I agree with you, I think it's odd and a shame for the boys . I agree that it's the boys information to share , not hers.

and I don't know many adoptees who are " proud " - what's to be proud of? What you were given away or taken away ? do non adopted kids go about saying " I was an instrumental vaginal delivery and I'm very proud of it " .

And no, there's no problem in fending off random questions , especially from people in the supermarket / cinema queue.

And all children are special, whether biological , foster, adopted or step children . Most kids just want to be normal anyway .

She sounds very attention seeking to me, perhaps she enjoys having people tell her how wonderful she is. That's the usual reason for this type of behaviour IME.