Friend who adopted children ten years ago always refers to them as adopted

[Sunnymeg]

This is probably me being unreasonable, but my friend's behaviour is starting to grate on me. I have a lovely friend who has a birth daughter aged 16 with her husband. They subsequently adopted twin boys five years ago who are now eight. Whenever she talks about them to anyone she meets, she will mention that they are her adopted children, but the daughter is hers . She will do this whether the boys are with her or not. I cringe inwardly for the boys when we are all out together and she speaks about them. I have other friends who have adopted who just refer to their family without any other comments. I don't understand why she doesn't do the same. The boys are from her ethnic background, so as far as I can see, random strangers don't need an explanation.

[SpookyRachel]

See, all respect to Marie Osmond, but I think that comment is only ok if she has agreed with her kids that that is how they will keep nosey parkers at bay (in which case I think it is ok and quite funny). But otherwise I find it weirdly negating of a child's past life - as inappropriate as me telling my child that I dont notice she is black.

[RaisingSteam]

Of course Marie Osmond hasn't forgotten at all - instead she's found a polite way of saying "none of your business".

[trafalgargal]

Exactly .......and she isn't just dealing with inappropriate neighbours but TV interviews too. It gives a very clear message that she regards them all as her children regardless of whether they share her genes or her skin colour and shuts the questioner down as there is nowhere for them to go with further questions. (Can't believe I had to explain that to anyone lol)

[SpookyRachel]

Well Im sorry you felt you had to explain it to me but I think I understood what she was trying to achieve. Just not convinced about unintended effects.

[Kitsandkids]

I did not say the SENCo thought adoption was irrelevant. Of course she knew it was relevant. She knew these children were adopted. She was told over and over again. She was very, very understanding of children's difficulties and often helped to explain why the children might be struggling to parents who were finding it hard having a child in their life who was having difficulties.

[TheCladdagh]

Kits, this is what you said:

My mum was a SENCo in a school for several years, and also a class teacher and a head teacher in her time. She met the parents of several adopted children over her career and it always saddened her whenever the parent of an adopted child who wasn't doing well academically would have to point out they were the child's adoptive parent. As if to say they couldn't possibly be their biological child or they would be doing much better. One of her all time favourite parents was the mother of a little boy who was quite behind at school who never mentioned he was adopted. My mum knew as it was on his records but the mother of the boy never said it.

My mum has said that over the years when out and about she has got chatting with a few parents of children with down syndrome and these perfect strangers have all felt it necessary to tell her their child is adopted as if to say they themselves could not have produced a child with down syndrome. My mum always feels sad they feel the need to tell her.

You are stating that your mother, a SENCO, class teacher and Head, appears to have believed that every time the parents of a child who was struggling brought to her attention the fact that their child was adopted, they were attempting to distance themselves from the 'shortcomings' of their child, rather than to draw her attention to the fact that their child might have specific needs related to early experiences.

You then make an explicit correlation with the 'fact' that apparently your mother also encountered multiple parents of adopted children with Down's Syndrome who have also made a point of telling her, a total stranger, that their children were adopted in order, she believes, to distance themselves from the assumption they had given birth to a child with special needs. This, frankly, I find difficult to believe.

In either case, our mother sounds as though she has serious issues of her own surrounding adoption, and has allowed it to cloud her judgement in extremely unpleasant ways which potentially made the lives of the adopted children she dealt with professionally much more difficult.

Sorry, I'm not buying the claim that she 'helped' parents understand their own adopted children's difficulties at the same time as she was busy placing the most ignorant possible interpretation of their attempts to flag up the possible adoption-related educational needs of their children.