Friend who adopted children ten years ago always refers to them as adopted

[Sunnymeg]

This is probably me being unreasonable, but my friend's behaviour is starting to grate on me. I have a lovely friend who has a birth daughter aged 16 with her husband. They subsequently adopted twin boys five years ago who are now eight. Whenever she talks about them to anyone she meets, she will mention that they are her adopted children, but the daughter is hers . She will do this whether the boys are with her or not. I cringe inwardly for the boys when we are all out together and she speaks about them. I have other friends who have adopted who just refer to their family without any other comments. I don't understand why she doesn't do the same. The boys are from her ethnic background, so as far as I can see, random strangers don't need an explanation.

[TheCladdagh]

Kits, this is what you said:

My mum was a SENCo in a school for several years, and also a class teacher and a head teacher in her time. She met the parents of several adopted children over her career and it always saddened her whenever the parent of an adopted child who wasn't doing well academically would have to point out they were the child's adoptive parent. As if to say they couldn't possibly be their biological child or they would be doing much better. One of her all time favourite parents was the mother of a little boy who was quite behind at school who never mentioned he was adopted. My mum knew as it was on his records but the mother of the boy never said it.

My mum has said that over the years when out and about she has got chatting with a few parents of children with down syndrome and these perfect strangers have all felt it necessary to tell her their child is adopted as if to say they themselves could not have produced a child with down syndrome. My mum always feels sad they feel the need to tell her.

You are stating that your mother, a SENCO, class teacher and Head, appears to have believed that every time the parents of a child who was struggling brought to her attention the fact that their child was adopted, they were attempting to distance themselves from the 'shortcomings' of their child, rather than to draw her attention to the fact that their child might have specific needs related to early experiences.

You then make an explicit correlation with the 'fact' that apparently your mother also encountered multiple parents of adopted children with Down's Syndrome who have also made a point of telling her, a total stranger, that their children were adopted in order, she believes, to distance themselves from the assumption they had given birth to a child with special needs. This, frankly, I find difficult to believe.

In either case, our mother sounds as though she has serious issues of her own surrounding adoption, and has allowed it to cloud her judgement in extremely unpleasant ways which potentially made the lives of the adopted children she dealt with professionally much more difficult.

Sorry, I'm not buying the claim that she 'helped' parents understand their own adopted children's difficulties at the same time as she was busy placing the most ignorant possible interpretation of their attempts to flag up the possible adoption-related educational needs of their children.

[Kitsandkids]

I did not say the SENCo thought adoption was irrelevant. Of course she knew it was relevant. She knew these children were adopted. She was told over and over again. She was very, very understanding of children's difficulties and often helped to explain why the children might be struggling to parents who were finding it hard having a child in their life who was having difficulties.

[SpookyRachel]

Well Im sorry you felt you had to explain it to me but I think I understood what she was trying to achieve. Just not convinced about unintended effects.

[trafalgargal]

Exactly .......and she isn't just dealing with inappropriate neighbours but TV interviews too. It gives a very clear message that she regards them all as her children regardless of whether they share her genes or her skin colour and shuts the questioner down as there is nowhere for them to go with further questions. (Can't believe I had to explain that to anyone lol)

[RaisingSteam]

Of course Marie Osmond hasn't forgotten at all - instead she's found a polite way of saying "none of your business".

[SpookyRachel]

See, all respect to Marie Osmond, but I think that comment is only ok if she has agreed with her kids that that is how they will keep nosey parkers at bay (in which case I think it is ok and quite funny). But otherwise I find it weirdly negating of a child's past life - as inappropriate as me telling my child that I dont notice she is black.

[trafalgargal]

I've always liked Marie Osmonds reply when asked which of her kids she gave birth to and which are adopted. She smiles and says "I don't remember"

[drspouse]

But how they are referred to and thought about is an intrinsic part of how they are looked after.

[Sunnymeg]

Sorry, I meant in terms of how they are looked after, how much money is spent on them. That type of thing.

[drspouse]

She doesn't treat them all the same. She refers to two of them as adopted and the other one as "hers". That is by definition not treating them all the same. It implies that the twins are not "hers". Whose are they? It also implies that the twins are less part of the family.

[Sunnymeg]

My friend treats all the children the same. I don't have a moments worry on that score. It is the fact that she mentions it to totally random people that I find odd. I wouldn't give out any more information than necessary about my family to strangers who I am unlikely to ever bump into again.

[SpookyRachel]

It's truly shocking - there's a book about it called 'The Child Catchers' which is flawed (anti-adoption, not rigorous) but still an enlightening read. It's very tied in with the anti-abortion fight, and with 'saving souls' for god. Some of the faith-based adoption agencies egg on people who lack the resources (in every sense) to adopt more and more children because they see it as divinely-inspired work. If you think adoption is a sacrament, you're going to take a different perspective on home study aren't you?

[JustHappy3]

Another poster appalled at the SENCO who thinks adoption is irrelevant - truly shocking.
Is your friend really differentiating between the DC or are you hearing this because to your mind being adopted makes them lesser? So you feel that saying they're adopted is indicating she doesn't love them as much.
I very much doubt that's the case. Also i don't think there's a single parent out there with birth and adopted DC who thinks they need to be parented the same - that's why we do all the training - to understand the need to parent differently if required.

[SpookyRachel]

IMO being adopted is massively relevant knowledge for schools. Sadly the schools don't always seem to agree. I've had a bit of a time with my daughter's school to engage with me proactively so that new teachers can understand her needs. Oh no, the SENCO assured me when she went into reception, completely unnecessary for me to meet the class teacher in advance, they would get the handover file from nursery and these are very experienced teachers, you know.

Turns out the very experienced teacher didn't 'believe' in handover files, she prefers to 'start each child on a fresh page'. The fallout from that took some clearing up.

Incidentally, my dd is doing fine academically, so there's nothing for me to 'distance' myself from. But I have had the teacher telling me what a wonderful thing I have done, and how I can take full credit for my daughter's intelligence

[KERALA1]

My plumber explained about how his Dc were ivf with lots of detail. The Dc in question in their twenties. I felt def tmi. Some people are oversharers but agree with ops feeling uncomfortable.

[feesh]

I don't disagree that it's probably not the best thing for the boys. However, as a mum of twins, I have to say that the barrage of extremely personal questions that I get whenever I meet someone new. You wouldn't believe how much detail people want to know and it's really annoying - I thought it would die down as they got older, but it barely has at all. So maybe she is just (somewhat clumsily) trying to pre-empt all the questions

[Kr1stina]

Lots of parents have biological children who are a different ethnicity from them. I don't hear them telling strangers in the supermarket

" I know you are probably wondering why my children are white Irish and Indian when I'm white but that because my husband is Indian , I gave birth to them by Caesarian section " .

Also I am an " older mum " , in that I had my last baby at nearly 43. Again, I don't go around saying " This is my biological son, yes I know I'm 54 and far too old for that sort of thing " .

Why on earth would I imply that I'm too old to parent my child or wish I hadn't had him ?

And more importantly, why would I let on that I'm over 50 when I look much younger? Or as a PP poster put it , " vain" .

There are times when people need to know that a child is adopted , perhaps a doctor , often a teacher or therapist. Apart from that, it should be the child's information to share about their background, not anyone else's.

And why do people need to " get it out into the open " ? Do you do around telling people what sexual position you used when you conceived your child ? If not, is it that you are ashamed of having sex? Is it a dirty secret ?

No, it's because it's private , it's no one else's business and irrelevant to your relationship to that person. Just like whether a child joined a family by adoption or birth ( most of the time ) .

I can't see any good reason for introducing your children to a random stranger as " this is my daughter Emma and my adopted sons David and John " . If the children want it " out in the open " , they will soon say so at a time that is right for them.

I suspect it's attentions seeking " look at me how altruistic I am " .

[drspouse]

(But I am also guilty of the "obviously everyone was keeping tabs on whether I was pregnant or not so I need to tell them where this baby has come from" when our two were first placed. After a few months I realised they are all actually very unobservant and when someone at church said "Oh you have a baby! I didn't know you were pregnant!" to which my reply was "Oh it's amazing what people don't notice".)

(and even if DS had been placed at day 1, this would have been quite a gap for them not to notice...)

[gabsdot]

My children are adopted. I don't tend to mention the fact to random strangers. I will tell people who need to know obviously.

It's very wrong of your friend to say these are my adopted children and this other one is MY child. There shouldn't be a distinction made. Her twins may end up feeling that they are something less in her eyes that their sister.

[drspouse]

I've seen friends get very steely indeed, or other who are miracles of tact and distraction around faux queries and comments like admiration of a child's complexion, which in fact can mean: 'He looks a different race to you and your DH, and I'm trying to elicit whether you (a) shagged someone of another race (b) used a sperm donor (c) adopted, and if (c) I want all the dirty details of your child's early and in-utero life. preferably as gruesome as possible.'

Yep!
I have become the mistress of replying literally and/or tangentially to questions.
I had a very close friend - who actually has some relevant professional knowledge, but who will continue to be a family friend as our DS grows up - as about one of DS difficulties "is that due to ABC". I have never disclosed ABC to her and DS does not yet know that ABC probably happened but in fact the particular difficulty she is asking about has nothing to do with ABC. So rather than say "no, but his other difficulties may be", I said "no, it might be genetic but it's not that severe so it's probably just one of those things."

[TheCladdagh]

I'm with MrsDevere on the SENCO story, which is utterly shocking. I've stared at it for longer than I've stared at anything else on MN in quite a while.

It is not the parent's story to tell. It is the child's story to tell. Bad luck if the parent is bored of explaining - they are an adult.

Yes, exactly. I think many new parents by adoption are inclined to blurt out the fact that their child is adopted at the very start, especially if it's a first and/or older child, because they are learning to be parents, and in fact someone has just handed them a child with his/her own past, and it feels deeply and publicly odd to be walking down the street with a three year old you met for the first time a fortnight earlier, before it doesn't.

But they learn to stop, generally, as they feel more confident and as their child becomes theirs, and they learn to combat nosy ambulance-chasing queries which are sniffing after tales of abuse and neglect.

I've seen friends get very steely indeed, or other who are miracles of tact and distraction around faux queries and comments like admiration of a child's complexion, which in fact can mean: 'He looks a different race to you and your DH, and I'm trying to elicit whether you (a) shagged someone of another race (b) used a sperm donor (c) adopted, and if (c) I want all the dirty details of your child's early and in-utero life. preferably as gruesome as possible.'

[drspouse]

I think I hang out too much on American adoption FB pages. There are a lot of them on those. Plus they have a lot of children each.