Friend who adopted children ten years ago always refers to them as adopted

[Sunnymeg]

This is probably me being unreasonable, but my friend's behaviour is starting to grate on me. I have a lovely friend who has a birth daughter aged 16 with her husband. They subsequently adopted twin boys five years ago who are now eight. Whenever she talks about them to anyone she meets, she will mention that they are her adopted children, but the daughter is hers . She will do this whether the boys are with her or not. I cringe inwardly for the boys when we are all out together and she speaks about them. I have other friends who have adopted who just refer to their family without any other comments. I don't understand why she doesn't do the same. The boys are from her ethnic background, so as far as I can see, random strangers don't need an explanation.

[SpookyRachel]

I'm very open about having adopted. Possibly too open. And people often ask because my adopted daughter does not look like me or my birth child.

That doesn't include randomly telling people in supermarkets, though. I can't think of anything stranger than constantly volunteering the different ways my children came to be mine. I think it's inappropriate. And I think that even if the children 'prefer' it. Respecting our children's feelings about their past and about their adoption does not mean behaving in ways which scream out that we don't consider ourselves truly their parents. Our job is to fully love and parent them, while accepting that they may not always want to fully love and own us.

[alabasium]

I am adopted. I have also adopted. I work in the adoption field as well. I guess everyone is different, but it's the divide between the person's birth child and the other children that seems unusual - why describe them as somehow 'other'? I know many, many adopted families - some who have birth children too and they don't tend to differentiate in this way - open adoption/with contact with birth families, too. It's the children's story and therefore theirs to share.

However, what I also know about families formed by adoption, is that they tend to appreciate commentary coming from those actively in the know rather than those who don't 'live adoption' as it can be a unique world, sometimes!

[Cleo1303]

Unless the children for some reason want it to be known that they are adopted - attached to birth family - I don't think she should be doing this.

I would never have told every Tom, Dick and Harry I met that DD was adopted. It is not their business and DD would have been embarrassed. DD had a friend whose mother told everyone she was adopted and you could see the child was very uncomfortable. She said that as she was blonde and the child was very dark they could not have been related. I had a friend who was very dark-skinned (Indian mixed) and her natural birth daughter has the palest skin that only a natural redhead could have. Her daughter had beautiful light auburn hair like her father. So much for that argument!

I didn't tell the prep school DD attended that she was adopted. I mentioned if after a couple of years when they were discussing family trees. She told some friends when she was seven years old. Some of her friends never knew. Why should they? It's her business. She isn't defined by being adopted.

One mother mentioned it to me and said she couldn't believe I hadn't told everyone at school. She would have been "so proud to have done it [she] would have told absolutely everyone". That's her, not me.

DD's adoption isn't a secret. Sometimes it comes up, and sometimes it doesn't, but certainly casual acquaintances don't need to know at all.

[hellinabreadbasket]

I'm with you OP- I am adopted, and the idea of my mum calling me "her adopted child" would rankle

[user7755]

I'm with those who hate the distinction, however I can empathise to some extent.

In the early days of having adopted ours I felt like a fraud and was not practised at responding to people's questions and observations so used to say ' they are adopted' almost as an acknowledgement that I was not worthy of looking like them or that I wasn't breast feeding etc.

Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of and we all talk very openly about it, I wonder whether the distinction between birth kids and adopted kids is what makes the difference? Ours is a very blended family and we are all equal regardless of how any of us came to be part of it.

[RaisingSteam]

I'm surprised anyone got through all the pre adoption training and would still do this so there is possibly a reason. I would never introduce my DC s as adopted unless in say a meeting of adopted families or with old friends who knew about our infertility etc, and not in front of them!

OTOH there have (like SN situation I guess) been times when I wish it could just be dropped into conversation when people are eye rolling or worse intervening in apparently unspeakable behaviour. Which for us comes under "pick your battles" and it's one we don't pick.

[BillSykesDog]

Unless the children for some reason want it to be known that they are adopted - attached to birth family - I don't think she should be doing this.

But how on earth would anybody know? Which is why I wouldn't judge. If the children are for some reason uncomfortable and want this distinction made, the mother isn't going to explain herself every single time, she's just going to do it.

[SquinkiesRule]

Not introducing them as Adopted doesn't mean that you are trying to pretend they are a bio child. They are legally your child as so can be introduced as your child, no extra adopted or bio needed.
Now if someone asked about being pregnant with twins, then maybe it would come up if you wanted to discuss it with them.
I've been asked about being pregnant at 40. I say I wasn't pregnant at 40 we adopted our last child.
When they say she looks like our son, we agree, she does, even though they share no genes.
Even my Dd doesn't know her whole story, she will get all her information and details of what why and where once she's an adult. She knows she's adopted, she knows her birth mothers name and has pictures in her baby book. No secrets there. Just the adult stuff she needs to be more mature to understand.

[TheFuckersBitingMe]

I was adopted as a child and my Mum even now introduces me as "my adopted daughter". In her case she does it because she has a need for people to think she's a good person, and to recognise what a lovely gesture it was to have adopted a poor little waif.

Horses for courses, but it's definitely odd to always do it. Ask her, if you can. She might not even know she's doing it.

[drspouse]

I am an adoptive parent. One of our children has two parents of the same ethnicity as us and one only one (so could still be the child of one of us).

I think this is horrendous and really othering. Those poor boys. How to make them feel less than a member of the family in one easy lesson.

It is no secret that our children are adopted but it is their information to share and if they do not want all and sundry to know that is their business. A very large number of people seem to think that if a DC is adopted it's open season on nosy questions. "Do you know much about their background" i.e. please tell me all the gory details about why they needed adopting.
Currently if someone asks a question the logical answer to which is "they are adopted " (e.g. about their birth or about where they were born) I answer if I know them by sharing that they are adopted, otherwise I'm vague. When the DC are older I'll ask them if they feel like talking about that right now. It's their information, not mine.

[drspouse]

By the way we have pretty open adoptions- they know they are adopted (in as much as they can for their ages) and we have contact with birth family and visit birth area, again they understand about this in a age appropriate way.

So it is not that

[carabos]

My XMiL had an adopted brother. She always, always introduced him as "this is my brother X, well he's not my brother he's adopted, my real brother's dead". Always.

Mind you, she used to introduce her DC and their spouses as"this is my son X and this is his wife". Me and XSiL would then have to fill in the blank of our own names. I often wondered if she expected people to address us as Mrs .

[RaisingSteam]

Going back to the OP - adoptive families can be complex with all kinds of sub-plots going on. You might say to your friend in a quiet moment you are surprised to hear her say it, she may be actually struggling with something, or it may just be her way in case not a lot you can do. Twin 8 year olds! 8 yo IME is a very tricky time for boys as a lot of separation/identity issues come to the surface. However it works out I hope she can rely on your friendship.

[SpookyRachel]

Even if the children aren't comfortable with the adoption, I can't see how it could ever be a solution to advertise it to all and sundry, quite unnecessarily. It's just unnecessary information to share for no reason. And that doesn't = being secretive. My dd happily tells everyone - randoms on the bus, whatever - "I have three mums" and it doesn't bother me. If she's happy doing that, fine. But for me to somehow qualify my parenthood of her, proactively and for no reason, in her hearing: never ever ever.

[Kitsandkids]

My mum was a SENCo in a school for several years, and also a class teacher and a head teacher in her time. She met the parents of several adopted children over her career and it always saddened her whenever the parent of an adopted child who wasn't doing well academically would have to point out they were the child's adoptive parent. As if to say they couldn't possibly be their biological child or they would be doing much better. One of her all time favourite parents was the mother of a little boy who was quite behind at school who never mentioned he was adopted. My mum knew as it was on his records but the mother of the boy never said it.

My mum has said that over the years when out and about she has got chatting with a few parents of children with down syndrome and these perfect strangers have all felt it necessary to tell her their child is adopted as if to say they themselves could not have produced a child with down syndrome. My mum always feels sad they feel the need to tell her.

I am a foster parent. In the early days if the children were with me I said they were my foster children because I didn't know if they would want people to think I was their mum. I stopped once I realised that if people referred to me as their mum they never corrected them. Now I generally refer to them as my kids.

[AndNowItsSeven]

The parents most likely mentioned it so the support from the senco would be relevant.

[TeenAndTween]

The parents most likely mentioned it so the support from the senco would be relevant.

I agree. You can't always respond to what you see, you need to understand the background too.

[nuttymango]

Don't adopted children get the pupil premium so it'd be relevant for the SENCO to know that they were adopted?

[drspouse]

Also foster carers aren't the child's parents. They have parents elsewhere.
I know older children often prefer not to announce they are fostered the minute they meet someone so naturally will like it if the adult they are with can be referred to as mum or dad.
But a foster carer is not a parent and I'm surprised your social worker hasn't picked up on this.
I'm also surprised your mum wasn't aware of the special problems adopted children can have. Seems a bit lacking for a SENCO.

[Tippy6312]

Kidsand - I don't think it's a case of Parents telling Senco a child is adopted - because if 'they were birth children they wouldnt' have these problems and would be doing much better'
I think it's more a case of pointing that out - as a lot of schools sadly lack the knowledge and experience on how to properly teach some adopted children. So in pointing that out (privately to Senco) they can hopefully better identify the childrens needs.
Being an adopter myself, I have had to send the school pages and pages of research as to why DDs behaviour relates directly to her adoption because of the support she then needs as a result.
The fact I have told (again a private professional) my daughters adopted needs to help better her education, has absolutely nothing to do with the fact ' if it was my birth child she would be doing so much better!

But back to the OP. I agree, it does strike me as odd to constantly differentiate between birth and adopted child. Especially do people who absolutely have no relevance in the situation.

[drspouse]

It will already have been affecting them. For a long time. Eight is way beyond the age at which they will realise they are being treated differently.

[Lymmmummy]

Does seem odd

If she treats all the kids the same and they are not upset then perhaps it's not an issue

I know a lady who adopted 2 children from Latin America - she was also quite old at the point she did it - late 40's and not vain so looked it - she always says as almost the first thing when she meets people "oh yes these are my adopted children and yes I am 55 so probably far too old for this type of thing" I think she does it to just get it out there and avoid people thinking oh god she is old or her kids don't look like her - I kind of admire her approach tbh