I don't know who was wrong more

[Villagebike3]

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

He threatened his mother (a person) with a knife.

That is what happened.

It's a serious and shocking thing for someone barely into their teens to be doing.

Most of the teenagers I have known who woukd have done that kind of thing at 13 are either dead, in prison, or have serious problems with drugs now.

Focusing on the reaction of his mother, rather than on what he did to her, will not do this kid any favours at all.

This is serious stuff.

He is behaving like a violent thug at home.

This is the chance to stop him behavi g like a violent thug at school, orbon the streets.

You can be as forgiving as his youth deserves once he is properly fucking sorry and understands with crystal clarity that teenage boys NEVER threaten people with knives if they want to grow up to be decent men.

A big line was crossed.

People who love him shoukd be carrying him back over it before blaming his mother

I don't think you can call a family dysfunctional just because a teenager is going through a tough period and the parents don't know how to react.

I appear to be alone in thinking the father's behaviour here is the most damaging.

Boys who are starting to flex their superior strength muscle ususlly respond to a strong male presence that will stand up to them.

Allowing this 13 year old to cast himself as the victim if this situation he created is not going to help him.

What is most worrying to me is that he is already threatening to use a weapon, rather than just his hands.

I don't find it at all reassuring that the weapon had beans on it. Threatening to stab people is serious stuff, even if the only knife you have to hand is a dinner knife.

Well, a dysfunctional household is the fault of the adults running it, not the child raised in it.

I'm not sure how that makes me a patronising shrew.

I have been involved with serioysly dysfunctional families where the fault mainly lay with a teenager.

Teenagers are not little children.

Parents are not always to blame when they lose their way and becone violent, or addicted to drugs, or involved with crime.

The father in this scenario, who has been lauded by many for protecting his child, won't be to blame if this kid has learnt from this that he can threaten to stab people and then play the victim if they respond.

If the kid makes a similar threat against a schoolmate or teacher, this will be a different ballgame.

A teacher is much less likely to hit back in shock, but virtually certain to escalate the incident. Not many schools let students threaten to stab their teachers.

The MN insistence that you are a child until you are 18 is just bananas. It's as though the site is populated by people who have never been teenagers or even met any.

I once worked with a 13 year old from a totakly dysfubctional family.

His older brother (also a "child" according to some) used to beat up his mother and steal her money for drugs. This kid's home was like a shooting gallery.

This was a nice, decent woman trying to raise her children properly. But her eldest kid was out of control and she couldn't manage him.

By the logic of some, this home was dysfunctional because of her.

I don't belueve anyone who claims to know how they woukd react if their teenager threatened to stab them.

Does throwing blame around make you think this could never hspoen to you?

I'm a good parent therefore my kuds will never lise their way?

OP: the weekend has passed now and we haven't heard anything from you.
Are you and your son safe?

I'm with Doin.

My mum slapped me once as a child (for some completely trivial thing that I now forget) we never had any physical violence in my home so she was obviously pushed beyond the limits where she could just walk away. Not saying it was a good response but it didn't make me into a psycho and we still love each other!

Yes the slap was ill-advised but I think the husband needs to not take his son's side, particularly when it sounds like he's not interested in even listening to the reason why it happened.

The boy needs some firmer boundaries (maybe) and a serious talk. OP should apologise for the slap and explain why it happened. It was a regrettable consequence of the shocking behaviour from her son.

You punished a child for threatening violence by being violent. Confusing much?

She didn't "punish" him, she responded to a threat of violence.

Of course it "confusing much".

Most people are not operating at their most rational when their son has just threatened to stab them.

People are responding as if the OP was dealing with a 3 year old.

My son used to be violent (frustration due to autism but no excuse). I never slapped him. I got him help in understanding his emotions instead.
How do you expect your child to learn if not from you?
Good on your DH.

My nephew once acted aggressively towards his mother,not a knife but raising his fists.It was shocking to see but I could see that he felt fear as his mother has form for smacking and being verbally aggressive.He was acting out what he had learnt from her.

I suspect the Op was not calm when she raised the issue and it's all escalated.The husband may not be a sap, he may just be used to his wife's aggressive behaviour.Lots of women are violent and aggressive, as the adult she was wrong, very wrong and needs to get some anger management.

Teaching boys it's OK to be violent towards women starts early, it seems.

Threaren your mother with a knife?

Her fault.

Just be careful who you threaten next, young man.

Stick to family and people weaker than you and it will be years before you'll be held to account.

Oh, ffs.

OP if you hoped for some calm advice here you must be disappointed. Few people I know who have brought up teenagers haven't lost it with them at some point. You need to step back, take a breath and start from here. You know the slap was wrong and should try to talk to your son about it and the knife threat as neither is the right thing to do. The iPad is a different issue and there is no reason to change that punishment. Your DH didn't help but he probably felt out of control at that point too.

Her 13 year old pulled a knife on her. What kind of knife it is is irrelevant.

That there are namby pamby idiots on this thread complaining about her discipline reaction to this event is precisely why there are kids in the world who feel it's acceptable to behave like this in the first place.

The boy needed a good smack. End of. And perhaps if he'd had a few more he would have learned how to behave properly earlier and wouldn't have brandished a knife in the first place.

He didn't pull a fucking knife on her, he was eating his dinner!

Namby pamby idiots?

How about over-dramatic, lying drama queens!

Oh look it's the 'I'm a perfect judgmental parent brigade' out in force.
Of course op knows she was wrong but implying she needs serious help or that she's a regular physical abuser and is the cause of her son's behaviour is unfair.
I've never slapped my children but equally I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had a child who was violent and aggressive, everyone has limits as we are all human apart from the selection of holier than thou perfect mums only found on mumsnet

This is getting rather heated. We just don't have the facts. It's the same shit different day here on Mumsnet with two opposing sides digging their heels in harder. And then flying with the insults.

I'm not going to assign blame back over the last 13 years of parenting. Both op and her son were in the wrong. One thing I cannot agree on is "The boy needed a good smack". Violence begets violence and is never good. This is coming from someone, who is scarred from such uncontrolled disciplinary techniques. Hitting whether a child or an adult normally comes from a place of poor self control as it is a reaction and not proactive. The boy held the knife because he was angry and he felt like he wasn't being heard. Escalation of the same punishment is not a good thing. Ensuring the assigned punishment carried out is.

Hopefully op will have learnt from her mistake and there needs to be a good and productive family meeting. What does work for teenagers some of the time is for them to decide the consequence with their parents for inappropriate behaviour. I think it would be good to try it here as he's definitely feeling alienated. So is op from her son. Now is the time to stop pointing fingers and start asking questions of how to make life better in the household for the future.

I feel for you OP. Hope things are calmer now. ALL parents fuck up majorly sometimes. The crucial thing is whether you learn from your mistakes.

Agree this thread has generated more heat than light and I wonder how many posters have teenagers as opposed to littlies

I'm a single parent with two boys, one of whom is 13. If he ever talked about using a knife on me I genuinely don't know what I'd do - physically throw him out of the house and tell him to lose himself for a few hours, probably. I cannot and will not be in a situation where I'm physically afraid of a growing man who's living in my house.

I do think there's an empathy failure here from some posters - about how upsetting and shocking it is that your baby boy would talk about stabbing you, while holding a knife (and I dunno about you but some of our dinner knives would definitely cause a wound if used with intent). Not everyone can behave well and calmly in those circumstances and teens need to know that their behaviour has consequences, up to and including your mother losing her shit.

I don't know what my DP (not my boys' dad and he doesn't live with us) would do if he witnessed DS1 talking about using a knife on me but I know I'd be hoping for some calmness and constructive support.

Waltermitting

Apologies for calling you a patronising shrew

OP disappeared?

Once he threatened to stab you there were numerous options which didn't include resorting to violence of your own.

blind thank you

I'm sure I've been called worse!

Would it be possible to apologise, give him a hug-after all is only a child and may now be feeling unsafe in his own home- and then you leave the home for a few days, not as banishment, but rather to let everyone have breathing space.

When you come home, have another hug and start anew.

DoinItFine

Please get out of social services and stay away from vulnerable children. You are a disgrace. 13 year old children need support not demonization.

Don't become a parent if you don't want to be responsible for your children. And if you want to physically assault someone then whinge about being a victim, buy a dog. Won't get you as much in benefits of course but can't be helped.