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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know who was wrong more

152 replies

Villagebike3 · 04/06/2016 19:46

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 12:22

Ah, so his behaviour means he's a future violent thug but hers means she's a wonderful mother teaching valuable life lessons.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 12:24

She isn't controlling her violent temper.

I don't think responding to threats of stabbing with a slap realky counts as "violent temper".

I imagine she was frightened and shocked to have a knife brandished at her in her own home by a member of her family who might well be bigger and stronger than she is.

The reason it is so unacceptable for men to hit their wives is the same reason it is unacceotable for teenage biys to get away with threatening their mothers with violence.

This was an incident of DV and he was the instigator.

There are a lot of womrn up and down the country who are afraidvof their teenage sons.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 12:26

Her behaviour means she is a woman who was just attscked in her home.

His father's behaviour is the reason this kid is likely to learn that he can get away with being abusive to women.

Sallystyle · 05/06/2016 12:27

OP, I am against smacking children. However, I also understand losing your cool and reacting in the heat of the moment. I can't be 100% positive that I wouldn't have slapped a teen threatening me with a knife.

Of course it wasn't the right thing to do but I'm not going to judge you for that.

You threaten me with violence, I might be violent back. Son or not. I doubt I would be very logical in the heat of the moment when my child is threatening me. I don't care how little damage a dinner knife might do, my child threatening me is never going to go down well and as I am a human I might not react too well back.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 12:28

He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife...

The OP hasn't said that he actually pointed the knife at her, do you realise that?

He could have said "yeah I'll stab you with my knife".

Acceptable? Absolutely not.

But a genuine threat to her immediate safety? Only if you want to twist it to suit your agenda...

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 12:29

Anyway, since OP has posted and run and with the way this place has been lately, I'm suspecting she's a GF so I'm not going to bother anymore.

TheBouquets · 05/06/2016 13:21

I do not find it acceptable at all that a 13 year old boy threatened to stab his mother. It does not matter whether he was pointing the knife at her or just said it the threat of violence is there.
What no-one seems to have picked up on is the shock of your own child threatening to stab you! I think that is shocking.

It is not so much the threat as the difficulty in processing the thought that your own child or another young relative would cause fear and alarm to an older female relative in their own home. It leaves the woman in fear in a place where she should feel safe.
There is also the self questioning i.e. how could I have raised a child who threatens to stab people, threatens violence in the home, threatens their own mother (or another older female relative).
Children today are a lot more savvy than they were in the past. When I was having teenage tantrums my mum used to say that she was never allowed to have tantrums. We are letting DCs away with far too much.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 13:43

Nobody is condoning the child's behaviour.

But those who are condemning him seem to be ignoring the mother's disgraceful actions.

As for shock. Well, blood outs. And if you're a violent parent you can't be that shocked that you've raised a child who threatens violence, surely?

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 13:44

*This isn't a feminist issue.

This is a parent who has totally lost control.*

Precisely. You don't get to give up on being a parent just because your teen is a male.

Those of you who are imagining the teen as a fully grown aggressive male who threatened his mother and is guilty of dv, how do you explain that she hit him across the face without any repercussions other than him meekly going to bed? Not much of an aggressive dv is he? Or do you all believe that her excellent work in slapping him solved that problem neatly?

The husband is the one who is closest to the scene. But apparently him telling his wife she shouldn't slap their 13 year old across the face makes him an apologist for domestic violence. only in MN land.

But the OP is long gone... if she was ever here at all...

TheBouquets · 05/06/2016 14:28

I have been in a situation where a child has shocked me. It is not easy to handle and it definitely could result in a heat of the moment reaction. I have never seen any advice on handling such a situation in the baby "bibles" I would have run rather than slap the boy. Knives are not toys and threats are threats no matter who they come from. That mum is going to have to be home alone with a boy who is going to keep on growing and who threatened her with a knife. Not a position that I would envy

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 14:30

As for shock. Well, blood outs. And if you're a violent parent you can't be that shocked that you've raised a child who threatens violence, surely?

Hmm

Well by that logic the "child" is a genetic monster becausevof his mother's unprovoked violent assault on him and this will "out" in him eventually.

So it's pointless to do anything and we shoukd judt lock them all up now.

Being a parent to a 13 year old who pulls knives in arguments does not involve teaching them it is fine to threaten their mother with stabbing.

But that was today's lesson.

I guess the pice are going to have to teach him that if you threatem someone with a knife, you are not the innocent party if they hit you.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 14:41

Probably not blood, actually.

Not nature, but nurture.

If you raise a child using violence, your child learns violence.

DumbDailyMail · 05/06/2016 14:49

I think that a mum slapping a 13year old boy is pretty bad. Sad It's the type of thing that I suspect might have long term consequences. I'd take it very seriously and get some councilling.

I think the answers on this thread would be very different if it were a man hitting a child. Woman seemed to be allowed a 'moment' of madness whereas men are forevermore branded as violent and beyond help.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 15:10

Being a parent to a 13 year old who pulls knives in arguments

Except no where in the OP is there any mention of him "pulling a knife" on his mother.

LogicalThinking · 05/06/2016 15:57

I imagine she was frightened and shocked to have a knife brandished at her
she is a woman who was just attacked in her home.
That is just not the picture she has described. There was no brandishing described and no sense of fear. She was angry that he back-chatted her.
She was no attacked.

AmysTiara · 05/06/2016 16:04

If this is true then you are more in the wrong for slapping your child across the face.

DotForShort · 05/06/2016 16:19

Of course you were more in the wrong. Slapping your child was completely wrong. I'm shocked that anyone could justify this action.

Also, when you say your son threatened to stab you, was he being genuinely physically threatening? Or was it more like the character in My So-called Life (for posters of a certain age who remember this show) who imagines stabbing her mother repeatedly with a fork? In other words, was it a truly aggressive threat or a revenge fantasy that would never be acted on?

blindsider · 05/06/2016 23:05

Waltermitty

Have you read the thread??

Waltermittythesequel · 06/06/2016 07:40

What??

blindsider · 06/06/2016 09:23

It is pretty simple really, does it sound like a functioning household to you?

Your suggestion that it is juvenile to suggest that a bit of empathy is required rather than pontificating on high says a lot more about your "I am the mature adult here, listen to me" attitude than mine.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/06/2016 09:27

Well that's not what you asked, is it dear?

You asked had I read the thread.

I think it's immature to claim the child threatened his mother by 'brandishing a weapon', since the OP didn't say that and you are reaching to make your point.

IMO sensible adults discuss the facts as they are presented.

I have no idea if it's a 'functioning household' or not, whatever your interpretation of that may be.

All I know is; this is either a one off on both sides in which case the child deserves no more vilification than the adult who was actually violent, or he's grown up with the OP acting as she did in this situation, in which case he's even less to blame as his childhood has shaped his temper and actions.

So, which part of it makes you question whether I've read the thread or not?

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 06/06/2016 09:37

Lol. Reading this thread is terrifying. Are half these mums posting from a caravan with a fag in their mouth or something? What kind of shitty chavtastic parent is slapping a 13 yr old across the face?

Ugh, I hope social services finds you OP.

DoinItFine · 06/06/2016 09:42

Are half these mums posting from a caravan with a fag in their mouth or something?

Stay classy, won't you?

A person who has sympathy for a 13 year old who is pulling knives on people is mostly concerned with making sure they never, ever do it again.

Which is very different from blaming the whole incident on the woman who was attacked.

If the parents don't teach him that he can't bgave that way and get away with it, then school, the police, or somebody with a bigger knife will teach him.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/06/2016 09:45

who is pulling knives on people

Why do you keep twisting the OP?

What are you getting from it?

If you can't discuss what actually happened then what's the point?

Buckinbronco · 06/06/2016 10:11

I've read this thread with interest thinking what an impossible situation, I hope OP gets some advice.
But this thread is just so symptomatic of MN recently- there is no actual advice or wisdom on here, just pages and pages of hand rubbing and outrage and no real help. And this isn't even an unusual situation- its is playing out in households all over the country.

I know MN are somewhat obsessed with the police and crime but for those saying police immediately and assault- it is permissible under law to make a pre emptive strike if threatened, and if you believe are striking someone to prevent them striking you. Now whilst it's not clear that this is what happened in the OP it is something the police would consider.
If you don't know anything about the way the police investigate or make charging decisions you shouldn't be speculating about it. I don't know much, but on here it's a constant case of a little bit of knowledge being dangerous when it comes to the police.