I don't know who was wrong more

[Villagebike3]

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

'Threatening a woman with a bean-covered table knife'

Shock horror!!!

What was the original poor behaviour that prompted a 24 hour ban of the i-pad?

It sounds like the OP has communication problems with her son not accepting a punishment. The situation has escalated beyond what is acceptable behaviour for both parties.

Majestic Whine has basically said what I was trying to say!

I guess if you don't think it's shocking for a teenage boy to be threatening to stab his mother, we can look forward to you inflicting even more violent men on the world.

What an interesting way to retell the OP DoinItFine. This wasn't just any teenage boy, a stranger standing in a dark alley with a blade pointed at the OPs throat, it was her son, with a dinner knife.

Yes some 13 y.o boys are as big as grown men, some aren't, we don't know the build of OPs son. At no point does OP indicate she was in fear of being stabbed, she admits she slapped him and warned him not to back chat, that's not a threat made out of fear it is one made out of anger.

Violence is violence, if the people involved were replaced with daughter and father but the rest were true then I don't think as many people would be defending the father in that case.

OP I think you need to discuss this with your son, obviously it is not OK for him to threaten you and that needs resolved but I feel you both need to apologise.

Oh really? Get over yourself. I have 2 sons, neither of which have threatened to stab anyone. I'm saying that a lot of people on this thread are over-reacting and Missing the Point.

WOW am I really seeing these messages.
If my son threatened me with a knife at 13, I'd slap him, then slap the knife out of his hand, then slap his arse up to his room.
The problem with society now is everyone is so PC, that's why their children are so bloody unruly. People are acting as if you battered your child. Back in the day even the schools could hit your child.

Your son doesn't need professional help he's just a hormonal teen who got angry. When things have calmed talk to him and say his behavior was unacceptable.You can apologise about your behavior if you'd like, but i'd let him know I AM THE PARENT HE IS THE CHILD and I expect him to listen to me, and I didn't enjoy slapping him or I don't like things getting like that, but he needs to learn to follow your rules in future. Then just continue happily with him like nothing happened.

As for my partner id expect him to tell my son his behavior is unacceptable and that he doesn't want to see or hear any behavior like that from him again.

He should privately explain to you that you didn't have to go to that measure (but your son brandished a knife for goodness sake are these people are deluded)

Maybe dh needs to step up and step in when things are escalating. As you know the slap wasn't the answer but I'm assuming extreme exasperation. Call dh to come and deal with it next time if you feel you are losing control. He can't just tell you you are wrong and then leave.

Sometimes the responses you get on here beggar belief, of course it would be preferable for the OP not to hit her son but he was threatening to stab her with a knife, there is every chance this boy is much bigger than his mother and is physically intimidating.

This is the real world people , we are not perfect, tempers get lost etc. Things get said that we regret, cut her some slack all you saints.

Oh and your husband OP sounds like a useless sap.

Slapping him across the face seems particularly abusive to me.

Slapping the knife out of his hand would have been more excusable, I think; stress, immediate reaction, shock.

But a slap across the face is particularly violent and humiliating. I don't think that would have been my first instinct, tbh.

He was wrong. Of course he was. But he's a 13 year old ball of hormones who is being punished (rightly so).

You're a grown woman who should never think that's OK.

Would you do it to your dh? Why? Because he's bigger than you? Because he deserves more respect than that?

I don't blame your dh for being pissed off with you, actually.

I would leave my dh if he did that to one of my dc.

Slapping him was wrong, but you already know that. You can't turn back time, you can decide where you are going to go from here.

I would suggest a calm family meeting, where you all discuss what went wrong and how you feel, hopefully apologising and all agreeing on how you can move on from this. If this isn't possible, or you don't see how you can all move on, try and get some family counselling. Sometimes things blow up like this, it's whether you can get them back on an even keel and learn from what happened that defines where you are heading as a family.

Teens are bloody hard work but one incident doesn't have to define how the next few years are going to pan out.

Things get said that we regret, cut her some slack all you saints.

FFS why is "perfect parent/all you saints" always thrown around on these threads when people aren't immediately jumping to the defence of the OP?

Talk about juvenile.

And while we're on the subject, should the child not be cut some slack?

He lost his temper, doesn't mean he was going to murder his mother at the dinner table.

Is it ok for her to lose her temper but not him?

Well i'm sure she knows her own son, if he does this type of thing often then help or strategies may be needed. He was probably just angry and thought he could scare his mum and she let him rightfully know, she isn't the one to mess with. He probably wont do it again.

My aunty was very strict her children ALWAYS knew their place. My mum was very relaxed and sometimes as kids we would push our boundaries she would then assert her authority and show who was in charge, none of my mothers or aunties children are violent adults.

That's all well and good...unless he goes to school and tells someone what she did.

If he goes to school and tells them he threatens his mother with violence and his Dad backs him up, then yes there will be interest in that.

Don't be obtuse.

If he goes into school and he tells them his mother slapped him across the face, there could be a shit storm.

I'm not saying OP deserves that. But I wouldn't want it at my door.

And by the sounds of things, her dh won't back her up.

I don't think the DH was wrong, actually. I sympathise with op but too right I'd stand up for my child if someone slapped them.

The school would certainly inform the ss but they wont take your child away. All this fear in raising your own child. If you'd have battered him CERTAINLY.

Just know you will be wrong if you do hit them, wrong if you don't.
How many adults and teachers I work with I've heard say things about teenagers on the bus or badly behaved children at school needing a slap from parents, talking about the parents who do nothing.
However you discipline your child and you just see the reaction ^, they will be telling you about ss.
So you can't win either way.

Slapping someone across the face isn't disciplining them, it's losing your temper. I understand op was angry and lost it. I understand that with the best will in the world, this happens from time to time and losing control is almost certainly something everybody has done. However, it isn't discipline.

Anthony it's worrying that you think OP's behaviour is an acceptable form of discipline.

This isn't a gengle smack on the bottom or back of the hand.

Waltermitty

You either don't know the definition of juvenile or have completely missed the point.

I am sure there are plenty of instances in your life that without the context and back story that if held up to public scrutiny you would get flamed for and you would think that unreasonable. So stop being so holier than thou and have some empathy, OP clearly lives in a dysfunctional household.

I think OP is getting rather a lot of OTT responses here. She knows what she did was wrong. However, threatening to stab someone, even with a relatively harmless knife, is not normal and would be a far greater concern to me than a (presumably ) one-off loss of control under extreme circumstances. One slap will not derail his entire life or ruin their relationship beyond repair.

What I do think is important is that as a family you all treat this as a huge wake up call. His behaviour cannot continue, nor can your inability to manage it effectively. Your husband has an important part to play and, slapping aside, should present a united front with you when tackling the problem.

No, slapping someone who is threatening to stab you whilst brandishing a knife isn't discipline.

More like self-defence.

I don't care if you find my behavior worrying, I didn't post for your opinion, i'm giving my opinion to the op. Did I talk of battery, punching a child or anything of the sort? He's 13 why would I smack a 13 yr old on his bottom. Different strokes for diff folks.
I'm sorry but i'd nip that in the bud real quick I'm here to add my honest opinion.
Can't wave a knife and think there will be no reaction, that's how i'd do things, and i'm not swayed otherwise( but it's not me so you needn't worry about me)