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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know who was wrong more

152 replies

Villagebike3 · 04/06/2016 19:46

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 05/06/2016 10:01

What's the level of violence like generally in your house? Is slapping the norm or was this a one off? Has your ds been physically threatening before or was that out of the blue?

More info needed. If a one off then apologise for hurting him then explain he can't threaten you or anyone for that matter. If you're both lashing out then you need to stop as you are only teaching him violence is ok and you are 100% responsible for him threatening you.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 10:09

OP clearly lives in a dysfunctional household

And you know this how?

Because you're making a judgement on a snapshot, just like me.

The difference is that apparently I'm being 'holier than thou' because my opinion is different?

I do think 'oh you're soooo perfect' is juvenile and immature, yes. It hardly adds to the discussion.

LogicalThinking · 05/06/2016 10:11

Don't feel too bad OP, but please seek some help for your sons anger issues.
Her SON'S anger issues? So he isn't allowed to get angry but she is. It's ok for her to lose it and get violent, but not him.
They both need help. It's not surprising that the child is angry and the way he expresses his anger is unacceptable when his mother is clearly not capable of managing her own anger.

Yep slapping back is very wrong and certainly not the right reaction ut no one on this thread seems perturbed by the stabbing threat. Is this the norm for kids today?
The threat was the equivalent of a 7 yr old threatening to leave home. There was no real intent behind it. It was not a serious threat to harm, it was an expression of 'it's not fair!'

cut her some slack all you saints
Would you say the same to a man who slapped his partner? Or a dad who slapped his daughter? What if the child was 9 or 20?

I am amazed that there are so many people on this thread who think it is acceptable to lose your temper and respond with violence to your child, then brush it off with - it's not your fault, he deserved it.

Sistedtwister · 05/06/2016 10:11

A lot of People get stabbed with their own knife. He got slapped. He needs to know what he did was not acceptable. If he thinks it was and there are no consequences He may try the same on someone else when he gets mad and get much worse than a slap.

I wouldn't have hit him around the face but I wouldn't apologise, it's done now. I'd also be making him turn out his pockets/ bag to check he wasn't carrying every time he left the house. Not as punishment but to make sure he's safe and make the point about how serious this is.

I'd also be having words with DH about a United front. You should disagree in private.

StarryIllusion · 05/06/2016 10:16

I can't believe some of these responses. He isn't a bloody child fgs he is a teen. I'd slap anyone over age 10 who threatened me with a knife. Anyone younger I doubt I'd take them seriously and would assume they didn't understand what they were doing.

LogicalThinking · 05/06/2016 10:17

More like self-defence.
Really? So you are suggesting that she feared for her safety and responded by slapping him across the face?
If someone threatened you with a knife, is that what you think you might do?
It was pure temper and she had lost control. There was no self-defence involved.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/06/2016 10:29

He might be a teen, but he's only 13 years old. It's not like he's 17 and a full-grown adult (physically).

He had a table knife covered in beans. If she felt threatened, why not leave the room, or grab the knife? A table knife isn't going to lacerate you if you grab it by the blade, so it was a perfectly viable option.

I'm shocked that so many people think it's okay to slap a 13 year old child around the face for ANY reason. If you did that to an older teenager, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they turned around and slapped you back. And I think you'd be told "well, what did you expect? You slapped him first!"

And I wonder how many people would be leaping to OP's defence if she were a man and the child in question a 13 y/o girl.

PacificDogwod · 05/06/2016 10:38

Waving a knife around is at the extreme end of 'angry teenaged behaviour', surely.
And I am saying that as the mother to a then 11yo who tried to threaten his 12 yo brother with a knife once

Slapping a child once in a heated and frightening situation is not going to do them any harm. It's not Ok, but it happened and should not distract from the bigger picture here.
Being in the situation that led to him thinking the next good step would be to raise a knife needs addressing. As does the whole not-consistent/united parenting thing.

Seek RL help.

WuTangFlan · 05/06/2016 10:43

"I don't know who was wrong more" is an odd title for the thread. Why does it matter to you who was "wrong more"? Feels like you're missing the point.

Theimpossiblegirl · 05/06/2016 11:04

Teens are children, even the big ones. That's a big part of what makes parenting so hard. They still need our care and guidance, even when they are being stroppy and hormonal and think they know it all.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 11:18

It's not like he's 17 and a full-grown adult (physically).

I know more than one man who was over 6 feet tall and built like a man by 13.

I woukd have been frightened to be threatened with stabbing by any of them at that age because they coukd have beaten the shit out of me if they had chosen to.

It is very, very worrying for a teenage boy to be threaten8ng a woman like that.

The most worrying thing is that his father isn't teaching him about how to control his violent temper and that he needs to be careful with his growing physucal strength.

He is halfway to being a man. Threatening to stab a woman because she displeases him is awful behaviour.

Far worse than a frightened and shocked woman slapping someone who is threatening her.

But of course we will have the ususl removal of all context and insistence that this is the same as a man hitting a teenage girl.

GabsAlot · 05/06/2016 11:20

thirteen year olds are very tall these days we dont know in what context or manner he was threatening her she reacted

if its a one off he'll learn not to do it agian -her dh should have back her up

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 11:24

If her husband had smacked his child in the face she would be told to leave immediately and call the police.

I think this site is great but more and more I'm seeing the gender inequality and as the mother of sons it pissed me right off.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 11:31

If his father had smacked him that woukd be preferable to what he did do, which was teach him that threatening women with knives is totally fine.

But it woukd be different still, because the chances of his father being bigger and stronger than him are still high.

I'm sure if yiur sons are raised not to threaten violence against weaker people who can'y defend themselves, they'll be fine.

Somerville · 05/06/2016 11:36

I agree with Walter. Slapping someone else in the face is never acceptable. What would be said in relationships here, if her DH had done it to her? "Phone the police, it's assault. Because if someone walked up to you in the street and slapped you it wouldn't be okay, would it?"
OP is an adult. Assaulting a child. Good on her husband for calling her out on it.

And before anyone else says it was self-defence - her child had a dinner knife. Covered in baked beans. If she was seriously scared by that and thought he might actually stab her she should have stepped away. Slapping him and telling him not to back chat was only likely to rile him up further. It could have actually got her stabbed, if the child was serious.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 11:51

I'm sure if yiur sons are raised not to threaten violence against weaker people who can'y defend themselves, they'll be fine.

Like an adult slapping a child across the face for example?

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 11:53

Threatening people with knives is never acceptable.

Everything that happened after that came in a situation where an adolescent male was threatening a woman.

No, she shouldn't have slapped him.

But once you start threatening people and frightening them, things can get out of hand very quickly.

This was an opportunity to teach him that.

Instead he had learnt that next time he should use a better knife.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 11:55

If your adolescent sons still think of themselves as children who can go around threatening people with weapons and get away with it, then they are quite dangerous.

This "child" is well over the age of criminal respinsibility.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 11:59

As is the woman who assaulted him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/06/2016 12:05

I hope the Op isn't in Scotland. Hitting a child on the face/head is illegal and would trigger a SS referral. I think posters minimising the slap would do well to check the law where they live.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 12:07

Women - never defend yourself if threatened by a male with a weapon.

Men get to make excuses, women do not.

I don't think there is any part of the UK where it is legal for a 13 year old to threaten someone with stabbing.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 12:09

Oh ffs.

This isn't a feminist issue.

This is a parent who has totally lost control.

If you need to totally over dramatise what happened to make your point, you're on shaky ground.

LogicalThinking · 05/06/2016 12:10

Slapping a child once in a heated and frightening situation is not going to do them any harm.
A man slapping his wife once in a heated situation is probably not going to do any harm. That doesn't make it any more acceptable.

The most worrying thing is that his father isn't teaching him about how to control his violent temper and that he needs to be careful with his growing physucal strength.
What is his mum teaching him? She isn't controlling her violent temper.

If your adolescent sons still think of themselves as children who can go around threatening people with weapons and get away with it, then they are quite dangerous.
And how has his mum hitting him taught him anything helpful?

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 12:15

I think his Mum was part way to teaching him that you shoukd never, ever pull a knife on anyone because once you introduce violence to a situation you don't know how the person you are threatening will respond.

A good lesson for a 13 year old prone to violent threats when they lose access to a gadget.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 12:19

You know it's the 13 year old boys whose early attempts at throwing their physical weight around as they reach adolescence are met with "poor ickle boy, did your mean mammy take away your iPad, of course it was fine to threaten to stab her, you are just a kittle fella who did nothing wrong".

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