Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know who was wrong more

152 replies

Villagebike3 · 04/06/2016 19:46

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

OP posts:
flappingbingowings · 04/06/2016 21:50

He clearly thinks that violence is normalised in your house.

SquidgeyMidgey · 04/06/2016 22:02

Sounds pretty crappy all round. How are things now OP?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/06/2016 22:04

Well no wonder he thinks violence is the answer if that's how you react to things! You slapped your child?! Good grief woman! Give yourself a shake and realise what the fuck you did!

LogicalThinking · 04/06/2016 22:10

You snapped. Don't apologise to him.
Slapping him was inexcusable and completely unacceptable. This was not a matter of self defence.
To suggest that no apology is needed teaches the boy that you don't apologise when you have messed up as long as the other person had done something to annoy you.

You have undermined your own authority and you have to accept responsibility for your own behaviour.
Your son sounds quite out of control and you aren't managing his behaviour particularly well. I think it would be a good idea to get some support to help with his behaviour, you don't want this escalating any further.

mizuzu · 04/06/2016 22:14

I'm more shocked at the threatening to stab rather than the hit tbh that isn't normal

LogicalThinking · 04/06/2016 22:14

He threatened her with a knife, FFS! I'm not surprised he got a slap.
It was a dinner knife covered in beans. If she had actually felt threatened in any way, she wouldn't have slapped him across the face. The slap was in response to the rudeness of his response, not the risk of it. She lost control.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/06/2016 22:19

You smacked your child! If this was a poster coming on here to say their husband slapped their 13y/o daughter across the face, everyone would cry LTB.

And if a partner of mine EVER hit my children they would be out of the door before they had a chance to apologise.

Egosumquisum · 04/06/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nataleejah · 04/06/2016 23:47

You slapped him. You are wrong. Very wrong.

beetroot2 · 05/06/2016 00:09

Kids of that age can be a nightmare!

We lead by example though and what you did was awful.

Think you need to get help in how to deal with your family situation.

PacificDogwod · 05/06/2016 00:13

It sounds to me like you could ALL do with some professional help.
Seek family counselling.
Waiting times are long, but the escalations of violence/threat of violence is scary.

Foofoobum · 05/06/2016 00:16

Where I'm from any blow to the head is assault. Smacking a child isn't necessarily assault but blows to the head whether a slap or a punch or whatever isn't on. You're lucky they didn't call the police on you. Violence only teaches violence it never solves the initial problem.

Fwiw I think removing the iPad is totally acceptable, being threatened with being stabbed isn't (but I recall my brothers all going through that phase so maybe it's an age/boy thing?) - that said you're the adult here and you lost contro of the situation when you raised your hand to him. It's harder to take the moral high ground when you introduce violence.

kali110 · 05/06/2016 03:16

I'm not suprised you snapped!
I wouldn't be apologising to a child you threatened me with a knife!
I'd expect my partner to stand with me on that part even if he didn't agree with what i'd done.
Yes you certainly didn't handle it well but i'd be shocked at being threatened with a knife! ( and i was smacked as a child and i still don't judge you!)

Nightstalker · 05/06/2016 04:04

YABU and he should LTB

EttaJ · 05/06/2016 04:19

Slapping him is bad enough but round the face is just awful. You are the adult and you are wrong. Very wrong and you should be ashamed actually. You should be apologizing profusely. You don't even seem sorry other than for being undermined.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 04:30

Your son should not have threatened you with a knife. Only you know what that "threat" was. Did you feel you were in danger of being stabbed? Were you in physical fear. Or did you have a mouthy 13 year old wave his knive at you and tell you he'd love to stab you with it.

the first scenario would make me want to call the police. Certainly call my dh tell him to get home immediately there is a crisis. Also, I would tell my son that if he made a move on me I'd crush him.

The second scenario would make me tell him his behaviour was unacceptable, leave the table, forget dinner and go to bed.

Slapping him across the face was awful - sorry but that is horrendous unless you were defending yourself. But it sounds like you just lost your temper. If my husband slapped my child across the face I would be horrified and might possibly have reacted as your dh did. I wouldn't have "told you off" in front of your child. But I would have said "do not slap him" and I would have said it very seriously. Maybe that is exactly what your dh did.

I'd be interested to know what your son did after you hit him. Did he hit back? Did he cry? what happened? Did he just go to his room as ordered. Like you could have managed without hitting him across the face? Has anyone talked to him since? How do you think he is feeling?

And what did you expect your dh to do? tell your son that it was ok for his mother to hit him? He couldn't do that. it isn't.

I wouldn't want to eat with you either if this had all played out tonight.

There is a lot more to come in the teen years. Unless you are under physical threat by him (and this isn't at all what you described), you can't hit him and expect him to respect you and trust you and do what you say.

I think you all need some intervention - for your teen to help him understand consequences and for you to understand how to deal with the teen years.

So far your husband seems the only one who has some grasp.

Pearlman · 05/06/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oysterbabe · 05/06/2016 07:54

You were in the wrong for assaulting your child.

branofthemist · 05/06/2016 08:03

Also, have we gone so far in our fetishisation of children and mothering that we don't understand the seriousness of a child threatening to STAB another person

I understand it perfectly. However, meeting a threat of violence....with violence is not ok. She didn't think her life was in immediate danger. She didn't slap him to defend herself. She slapped him out of anger.

Putting your hands on someone out of anger isn't ok.

I am a mother and in my mid theories. I have managed to never put my hands on someone in anger. I have defended myself.

I can't believe anyone would think slapping a child out of anger is ok.

LouBlue1507 · 05/06/2016 08:10

*I think everyone on this thread needs to get a grip, bar one or two posters who seem to understand that people react strangely to stressful situations, yes, even mums!

Also, have we gone so far in our fetishisation of children and mothering that we don't understand the seriousness of a child threatening to STAB another person, whether the threat was backed up by a sharp knife or a blunt one? I am honestly not surprised she gave him a slap and I would have got, and deserved, a lot worse. All the posters seem to want to do is condemn the mother, who needs support, not censure.*

I agree. OP's son is 13 not a defenceless 3 year old. OP I don't blame you for what you did at all. If I'd of done that to my mother, my life wouldn't of been worth living! My mum once slapped me across the face when I was a teen because I told her to 'shut the fuck up' and I deserved that slap! Did she apologise? Did she balls haha!

Don't feel too bad OP, but please seek some help for your sons anger issues.

Janecc · 05/06/2016 08:26

I think it would be important to think what your ds is now thinking. Never having been a boy, it will be more difficult but I was whacked around the face on several occasions and much older than this so I'll say from my PoV:

She's a bitch
I hate her
Next time I'll use a real fucking knife
I'm stupid
I'm a weak little prick
I don't want to be here anymore
I wish I was dead
Everybody hates me

This dynamic is what needs to be addressed. As the parent, you are the one in charge along with your husband. When my husband goes too far with my DD (shouting not hitting), I always intervene. I also ask him to apologise and my DD to apologise to him if appropriate.

If you want a good relationship with your child, it is for you to instigate and model good behaviour. Yes, you made a mistake. Time to go easy on the situation and make things right. The iPad ban still stands imo. A frank family discussion seems to be in order, no reproaches. All cards on the table and no further punishment for the knife incident. Big lessons to be learned for both mother and child.

Well done your husband for intervening. He's made you think about your actions. And it's ok. We all have a breaking point. What we do once we've reached that point, especially if we overstep boundaries is the issue.

Pearlman · 05/06/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLlamasGoneBananas · 05/06/2016 08:32

I'm more shocked at the son threate in to stab his mum.

Yep slapping back is very wrong and certainly not the right reaction ut no one on this thread seems perturbed by the stabbing threat. Is this the norm for kids today?

Whole situation seems ery out of control. Thank God he wasn't threatening to sta some one else bu to threaten I got to stab anyone is very wrong get and doing so with a knife in his hands is shocking.

DoinItFine · 05/06/2016 08:35

I think a teenage boy who is threatening to stab people is potentially dangerous.

Adolescent males are not little defenseless kids. Many of them have grown to the size and strength of men.

I would be frightened and intimidated if a teenage boy threatened me with a knife in my home.

A threat of violence is a type violence.

If yiu threaten to stab someone and they pre-emptively hit you, you were the one who started it.

I'm shocked that this kid's Dad came in to teach him that threatening women with knives is OK.

No wonder male violence against women is so prevalent when adolescent boys threatening to stab their mothers are considered to be innocent, blameless children.

MajesticWhine · 05/06/2016 08:41

Everyone is in the wrong really. Tell your DS you were wrong to hit him and apologise. He should apologise too. Your H would do better to help out rather than criticise you and skulk off. I think escalating the punishment to one week was a bad tactic. Stick to it this time. But next time try not to escalate because it leads to worse behaviour, then worse punishments etc and everything gets out of hand.

Swipe left for the next trending thread