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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to "force" DD to go to the beach on Sunday?

93 replies

ArtyFartyQueen · 03/06/2016 22:50

DD (13) is kicking up a right stink because I've planned a trip to the beach for the family (me, DH, her and DS (6). She says she hates the sand and is saying she will refuse to go on Sunday and will stay at home. I've given her some time to cool off and hope that she will change her mind, realistically I don't want to leave her at home and I want her to come with us and enjoy the day but don't know how to handle it. She is very strong minded (as am I) and we often butt heads. I'm already feeling stressed and panicked about it. Any advice?

OP posts:
blackbirdmilkshake · 03/06/2016 22:51

She's 13, she's fine on her own

elephantoverthehill · 03/06/2016 22:57

If you manage to get her to go, she will enjoy, find her inner child and as my Mum would say be ''As happy as a sand 'boy' ''. Could fish and chips or nearby shops swing it?

Mari50 · 03/06/2016 22:58

Hmm, tricky. When I was 13 I loved the beach and tanning etc but I recall my older sister absolutely loathing summer and everything that went with it from about 13. She would sit and sulk and ruin the day for everyone - what do you expect from a Gary numan fan!!

Cookingongas · 03/06/2016 23:03

Let her be. She's old enough to chose, and , I believe- if you show her that you respect and trust her choices ( as well as trusting her alone) she will be less "strong minded".

Many years ago, as a teenager my mother called me stubborn, selfish, strong willed- I wasn't particularly, just a normal teenager, who's mother refused to see i had grown up and didn't enjoy family company as much as I used to.( I'm very family oriented now, but teenagers really aren't so mich regardless of how close a family you are) As soon as my father took over and showed me he trusted me/valued my opinion I became far less obtrusive. More willing to join in. She'll feel she missed out when you get back. She'll likely chose to go with you next time.

LouBlue1507 · 03/06/2016 23:05

YABU.. Leave her be. The more you try and force it the stronger she'll push back and refuse. 'Forced family time' is no fun for anyone!

AndNowItsSeven · 03/06/2016 23:06

She is 13 not 16 she doesn't get to choose.

NeedACleverNN · 03/06/2016 23:06

Can you trust her to stay at home on her own?

She's likely to ruin it for everyone sulking if she goes.

usual · 03/06/2016 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDePomPom · 03/06/2016 23:08

Is she maybe feeling body conscious and reluctant to wear a swimsuit?

dodobookends · 03/06/2016 23:18

Perhaps you might give her a list of emergency phone numbers, make sure she has a key, and that she knows she can go next door (give them emerg. key too) or call her best friends mum if she needs help - and leave her to it. As long as there is food in the house and she knows the emergency drill she will be fine.

In fact as soon as the novelty of being on her own wears off - I give it about 3 hours - she will be wishing she'd come with you!

UnderaRock · 03/06/2016 23:21

I'm with a a previous poster. Could she be having self image issues. Or maybe on her period and doesn't want to go?

sadie9 · 03/06/2016 23:26

It's tricky. We are at this stage too. The 13yr old usually does enjoy themselves when they get to wherever it is, if it is an outdoorsy place.
What about bribery? Some sort of compromise sort of thing. Make sure the bribery/compromise/trade off happens after the beach trip.
Or that you will leave after a certain amount of time there. Or you will buy data for her phone and she can huddle under a towel in the darkness??

TSSDNCOP · 03/06/2016 23:31

She can stay at home. But the wifi is coming to the beach.

Sad face.

HeddaGarbled · 03/06/2016 23:32

This is completely normal for a 13 year old. Spending a whole day with her parents and a 6 year old sibling will not be her preferred way of spending her time now. Agree, with a PP, if she can bring a friend with her, that will make it more fun for her. You could perhaps make it more palatable by thinking about things she might enjoy: surfing/boogie boarding, funfair, amusement arcade, fish & chip lunch, but tbh, you are probably in for a few years of her not enjoying what you and the younger one enjoy.

anotherbusymum14 · 03/06/2016 23:36

I'd let her stay. My teens get like this and it can ruin the day a bit. But I think there are times you just need to get them to join in and come with. So choose your battles. For me a day at the beach for a teen I'd think it's probably too embarrassing, being in your cossie with your family. Next time you go somewhere though tell your teen they must participate.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2016 23:40

Is she sensible enough to stay at home by herself? Are there neighbours she knows - or grandparents nearby? And how far away is the beach you plan to visit?
If you're going to be less than an hour's travel away, and there is a trusted adult living nearby then you could let her stay at home if that's what she really wants: dragging her along with you when she hates the idea is likely to make it a miserable day for everyone and what's the point of that?

Iknownuffink · 03/06/2016 23:42

We are doing ( insert event )

You can join us, I would prefer you ...

We will look into alternative childcare for you!

Fuck off, you drama queen. When you start paying the bills, you will accept da roolz

80Kgirl · 03/06/2016 23:42

I don't enjoy the beach myself. I hate the grittiness of sand. The water is too cold. The toilets aren't clean if there even are any. I burn easily. So, she really has my sympathy. However, I think 13 is a little young to leave home alone for a whole day, unless there is a neighbour se can to turn to.

bakeoffcake · 03/06/2016 23:53

Mine wouldn't have had the choice at that age!

I always reminded them of a saying my dad used to say to me when I was being a stroppy teenager "you'll enjoy this family outing/holiday/film whether you like it or not" then he'd laugh and we'd all just get on with it and have fun.

But as it's the beach I would ask her why she didn't want to come and if she was worried about something. I'd also mention ice creams, fish and chips, etc.Wink

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/06/2016 00:05

Teens can be hard work can't they? When you have to bend over backwards to persuade them to do something they will really enjoy. Or when you have to shout/nag at them to get ready for a fun day out. it's almost like they're doing it to wind you up...

You have 2 choices, put your foot down or leave her. It's a shame when they miss out because of their own stubbornness. I'm of the putting my foot down approach but it's not always easy or pleasant.

justatoe1 · 04/06/2016 00:06

I get DD to bring a friend to most days out: just takes the variable of 'will they be a whiny shit all day' out of the equation. The friend will probably play with your 6 yr old!

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 04/06/2016 00:06

bake my Dad too 😁

  1. Tough luck love. Bring a book. She's too young to be choosing to opt out of family stuff IMO.

It does them no harm to learn that actually, it's not all about them. She'll probably have a great time once she gets there. I'd pack her swimsuit and a spare set of clothes so that she can go in if she wants to.

bakeoffcake · 04/06/2016 00:13

Ahh Extra nice to hear it wasn't just my dad. It's a very good saying actually, using humour but also gets the message across.
I'm sure I'll be using it on my grandchildren too!

serin · 04/06/2016 00:14

What exactly are you going to do at the beach? If you are meeting up with friends. playing footie, fishing, having surfing lessons, body boarding or kayaking followed by a great BBQ then I don't understand her problem.

If you are just planning on sitting there reading a magazine and expecting her to play with little brother then YABU and should really let her bring a friend.

CancellyMcChequeface · 04/06/2016 00:32

13 is old enough to make her own decision on this. In my experience the young teens 'forced' into family outings are the ones who stop participating entirely once they're 16/18 and can't be made to join in any more. Encourage her to go and say you'd have a nicer time if she did, but don't make her.

Maybe she does hate the feel of the sand or is embarrassed about beachwear. You might see it as 'missing out' but that doesn't mean she will. Not everyone enjoys the beach!

Also, if it is just stubbornness, sometimes phrasing is everything and 'would you like to come to the beach with us on Sunday?' gets a very different response to 'we're all going to the beach on Sunday.' Obviously I don't know what you actually said to her, but just a thought. (Of course, if you go with the first, you have to be willing to accept that the answer still might be no!)

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