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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to "force" DD to go to the beach on Sunday?

93 replies

ArtyFartyQueen · 03/06/2016 22:50

DD (13) is kicking up a right stink because I've planned a trip to the beach for the family (me, DH, her and DS (6). She says she hates the sand and is saying she will refuse to go on Sunday and will stay at home. I've given her some time to cool off and hope that she will change her mind, realistically I don't want to leave her at home and I want her to come with us and enjoy the day but don't know how to handle it. She is very strong minded (as am I) and we often butt heads. I'm already feeling stressed and panicked about it. Any advice?

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 04/06/2016 00:40

Cancelly both my dds were "forced" to do family things at that age and certainly didn't stop participating in family things at 16/18.
Mine are now 22 and 25 and still want to come on holiday with us! This will be the first year we've said no, dh and I are going on our own and they aren't happy

BackforGood · 04/06/2016 00:48

Making teens come along on 'jolly family outings' is daft. They hate it, and it then makes the day miserable for everyone.

However, tell them where you are going and let them know you are happy to leave them at home, and, all of a sudden, you'll more than likely find they want to come.

Use a bit of psychology with her.

fatmomma99 · 04/06/2016 01:19

who is this trip for? What do you want out of it? If it's a lovely day for your 6yr old, why are you expecting your 13 yr old to be excited about it?

If that is so, either build in some things for the 13 yr old, or don't expect them to be the unpaid babysitter.

However, if this was a full-on family day out, with treats for everyone, I understand why you're so disappointed. In that case, all you can do is make the offer and hope they choose what you want them to choose

Hope you all have a lovely day.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 04/06/2016 01:28

Could she be on her period and worried about being in a swimming costume? I remember being that age and absolutely hating being exposed like that when I was still learning to cope with my periods. If she is genuinely sensible I would give her the option of staying home.

TendonQueen · 04/06/2016 01:36

Ask if there's a problem, build in a treat just for her, then say 'make the best of it, we're all going'. Alternatively, let her stay behind but change the wifi password and switch it off just before you leave the house.

molyholy · 04/06/2016 01:49

My dd despises the beach. Loves the sun. Hates the feeling of sand on her feet and as she says 'in her groins'. Don't force her
It will pass on to her next generation.

tigermoll · 04/06/2016 08:35

let her stay behind but change the wifi password and switch it off just before you leave the house

Why would you do that? To sneakily 'punish' her for not wanting to come to the beach?

So you say to her 'OK, fine you can stay at home' but it really ISN'T OK. Instead of saying that, you do something mean and sneaky behind her back to make sure she is bored and can't get her homework done, talk to her friends, watch videos or listen to music? Wow, that will show her, for having the nerve to not want to come to the beach with her family at THIRTEEN.

Why would she want to come to the beach with a six year old and her parents? That's not my idea of a fun day out, and doesn't sound like hers either. She only gets two days off a week, same as you, the difference is she has homework to do and a burgeoning social life. Maybe she's having body issues, maybe she's having her period, maybe there's something else she wants to do that day that she doesn't want to tell you about. But NO ALL MUST COME ON THE FAMILY DAY OUT. It sounds like that's more about making you happy than her.

Can you tell how much I used to HATE family days out ;)

awhfuck · 04/06/2016 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 04/06/2016 10:11

Let the poor child stay at home. The very idea of 'family things' still makes me feel quite sick after a childhood if being forced to participate - and I am now 53 and my mother died very recently, so if I was going to feel nostalgic it would be now.

Give her a bit of respect and let her make her own decision. And your relationship will benefit from it down the line.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/06/2016 10:15

I can't imagine many 13 year olds wanting to go to the beach with their parents and their six year old sibling - wouldn't she want to go with her friends at that age?

I don't see why she can't stay at home, or hang out with her friends instead. Forcing her to go when she doesn't want to isn't going to make anyone happy.

usual · 04/06/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Savagebeauty · 04/06/2016 10:20

I hate the beach. And it will be crowded tomorrow.
Let her stay at home.
And the "turn the wifi off" comments is just stupid. And spiteful.

exLtEveDallas · 04/06/2016 10:22

I hate the beach - I go for DH and DD but given the choice I'd rather have a root canal. Maybe your DD's the same.

Or maybe she's like my DDs friend who doesn't want to spend any time whatsoever with her 6 yr old brother - because he's 6.

Or maybe she's looked at a weather app and seen that Sunday is supposed to be colder and windy.

Or maybe she wants a duvet day.

Or maybe she wants to spend the day with her mates.

Lots of maybes - I don't think dismissing her out of hand is a good way to go. Find out why she doesn't want to go, calmly, and take it from there.

Beeziekn33ze · 04/06/2016 10:24

13 isn't as old as she thinks. Can you offer some future treat she really wants, as well as anything that would make her happier on the day? Taking a friend could be good. I have memories of a 13 year old on a beach weekend, with period, enjoying shopping, looking at magazines and deciding what she'd like to eat in the evening. They may have been some boy watching from under the hat and behind the shades too! She wasn't ecstatic but didn't hate being there either.
If you do decide to leave her, with a friend or at a friend's house would give you less concern than her being alone.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2016 10:25

Perhaps the OP will come back and explain.

Yes a 13 year old is still technically a child but they are also on their way to being a young adult. If you infantilise and remove their choices from them you can expect to reap the rewards of that. I don't have much time for parents who dictate such pointless crap and top it off with 'when you pay the bills...blah di blah.'. Why on earth do people like that have children? Just to have someone to boss around and then complain about?

This girl is 13. It will matter very much OP, what you intend to do on the beach as mentioned by serin. Sitting around? She can do that at home. That's not family time, it's everybody doing their own thing in close proximity. Not the same.

Pick your battles would be my advice, OP. Some things are just not worth a battle.

tigermoll · 04/06/2016 10:33

I suppose it depends on the 13 year old as to whether it's reasonable to spend the day in the house by themselves when I was 13 that would have been perfectly normal and fine for me to entertain myself/go into town/meet up with friends. Our parents used to leave us alone for the whole weekend at 13 and 14 having said that, I didn't have an especially fun or close childhood, so maybe I'm not the best example :)

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 04/06/2016 10:37

No Lying, because they are 13, too young to be left home alone for a very long day when I'm two hours away (minimum), generally enjoy themselves when they get there and because it does them no harm to realise that they are part of a family and life does not always revolve around them. No problem with others making different decisions, just with those criticising mine.

awhfuck · 04/06/2016 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teresalosingtheirleaves · 04/06/2016 10:48

How far is the beach sorry if that's been mentioned already. I wouldn't leave her if it's more than say 20/30 minutes at the most.
What is nearby ?
What are going to be doing?
Expecting her to happily to play with a six yo is not realistic.
Can she visit some shop/arcade with one of her parents whilst other has the six yo for some of the day.
I'd sell it as hey sweety, do you want to go arcades with me then ? You can swap with dh and each child has some time with each parent. It took me ages to let go of the romantic idea that all children would giggly happily at the that activity. They won't with age gaps.
Ime (6 children) family days where everyone "plays together" is a spontaneous water/pillow fight. With children of such an age gap, the only reliable thing we do that everyone is happy about is going out to eat!

Fairenuff · 04/06/2016 10:50

Is there any chance that you would be ok with leaving her at home?

If not you have two alternatives - either get a childminder to stay with her (or see if she can go to a friend's) or tell her that she has to come with you.

Which would you rather choose?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2016 10:56

I'd leave her at home, tbh.
She doesn't want to go, and the chances of getting a moody recalcitrant teen to change her mind when she gets there are rather lower than the chance of her sulking and ruining the whole day for everyone else.

So, in the morning, just say "Right we're going - last chance, do you want to come or not?" - give her the option to change her mind - then leave. And if she chooses to stay, then so be it - but set ground rules for what should happen while you're gone. Suggest maybe doing a load of washing, or hanging some out, or the washing up or something... she might as well be useful while she's at home!

elephantpig · 04/06/2016 10:58

I know all kids mature at different rates but from around 11/12 I was left for the every day of the school holidays 8am-6pm whilst my Mum was out at work an hour away. The thought of not leaving a 13 year old home alone for the day is very to me. Is that normal?!

That is of course directed at people who think she can't be left home alone due to age, rather than because she shouldn't be allowed to decide - which is even more

SoupDragon · 04/06/2016 11:00

Knowing there is a sulky teen at home is likely to curtail the family day out somewhat. I would feel I needed to come back early.

leopardgecko · 04/06/2016 11:11

I don't think any of my 4 children (now adult) would have wanted to come to the beach with us aged 13, unless as others had suggested they were able to bring a friend. It would be far more of a treat to be left home alone for the day. From 13 they all stayed home if they preferred it. However, as a late teen and now in their mid 20s, they would all happily chose to come if it were suggested. Thank goodness those stroppy teenage years do not last forever.

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 11:50

I would, and go, let my 12 year old stay home for a few hours if she doesn't want to go out. I would let the neighbours know she was home (we have two sets who are happy to 'mind' from a distance and pop around if a long time) and leave her with a mobile and her tablet. She would be very happy with this.

I think if you give them a tiny bit of slack sometimes and let them have a day to themselves, then other engagement with the family is easier. We have family meals and my dd has to come to those and eat with us, which sounds ridiculous but if given a choice she would eat in her room! I don't insist she visits grandparents but she loves it there so always comes. We do insist on one activity a week as well. Beyond that, I think it's fine for them to have a day off before going back to school, she will probably be quite sulky on that day like I used to be before returning to school, and an enforced family day won't be fun anyway.

It's give and take- I don't believe making in everyone come to everything, but equally a certain amount of family time is important- it's just a judgement call whether this particular day falls into which category.

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