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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't insure me on his new car

167 replies

MyDPisasexistpig · 02/06/2016 22:11

A car he has lusted after for years. Bought with his bonus/dividends so fair enough it's 'his' money in the loosest sense of the word.

Was talking about his insurance and I said oh I can't wait to drive it. It then comes out that I'm not on the insurance Hmm. I asked why and he said oh well it would've cost too much (fuck off given the price of the car). He then admitted that he didn't want me driving the carAngry

I've never had one accident. I've got three points of speeding and that it. In ten years of driving.

AIBU to think he's a sexist pig and I'm supposed to go ok you drive me around when you feel like it then? (Obviously I have a car myself just a bog standard boring family car)

OP posts:
WonkyCastle · 03/06/2016 06:59

My H has just done similar.

Except we don't have an understanding that his bonus is for him - the way we have operated over the years is that it is family money.

Yet this year, he has seen fit to wander off, no discussion, and spend stupid amounts of money on a car. We already have 2 (pretty new) cars, which would generally be seen as luxury cars. One of those chosen for family practicalities ('my car', nothing wrong with it but purely chosen for car seat arrangement ease/school bag/musical instrument ferrying etc) and one chosen (despite not being quite as practical) because it was what H 'wanted' (so he already gets a 'better' choice of car because family needs are already catered for - H commutes to work on the train, and walks to the station so no need for him to have free choice on a car).

Anyway, H waltzes in and announces his purchase. There are so many things we could have spent that money on - family stuff, things to make our lives infinitely easier (we have 3 disabled dc), but no discussion, it's done. No way I have the opportunity to spend even a fraction of that money on something just for me.

And crowning glory? I'm not allowed near it. Hasn't insured me (im the better driver, which he would admit too) and hasn't even given me the spare key/let me know where it is.

So his car sits on the drive all day (in the way - we now cannot fit his other car on the drive, and we have restricted parking where we live meaning I have to move it about constantly to avoid fines) while he swans off to work, and I cannot even move it if needed (frequently - we have major building works going on and the builders often need access to the drive), which quite frankly is downright embarrassing - the builders ask me to move the car and I have to say 'oh, that's H's car, I can't move it I don't have a key' - cue knowing grins and the odd bit of banter about him not letting me drive his car etc.

Pathetic, tbh.

I tackled him about it (have no desire to drive the thing daily, but having the spare key to move it around would be handy) and apparently I would need to be taught how to drive it as it isn't 'intuitive' whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. I've been D driving over 20 years, several different cars of all sizes; both automatic and manual. Never an issue. And now I need to be taught how to move one off my own driveway? Fuck that.

Seriously pathetic.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 07:01

Not sure where the £60k comes from- new M3's start at half that Hmm

Him not allowing you to drive it is bollocks though. I wouldn't bother with revenge though, I'd just insist he adds you to the insurance.

MiracletoCome · 03/06/2016 07:02

I see he is a DP and not a DH so I would LTB as he is obviously me me me

Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 07:04

wonky seriously- why do you put up with that?

DrDreReturns · 03/06/2016 07:06

Is he having a mid life crisis?!

notonyurjellybellynelly · 03/06/2016 07:06

Wonky, you need to stop moving the car about to prevent fines and if you do I think it would only happen once before he found a solution to this absolutely disgusting state of affairs.

Fenullafabulous · 03/06/2016 07:07

This idea of "family money" is not universally held ime
You're not married, your possessions are not dual possessions
And it seems quite common that even when married the higher earner (usually the man) gets more power over spending choices.
Not always right of course.
It probably is sexist.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/06/2016 07:07

One day the car will be damaged though and it will 100% not be your fault.

He won't be able to say it happened that night you picked up a Chinese in it three weeks ago.

Fenullafabulous · 03/06/2016 07:11

So many men show themselves to be entitled, slefish sexist individuals at some point.
It's his money, he earned it, he worked hard for it, he deserves a treat after making sacrifices for his wife and offspring for so long.

QueenofLouisiana · 03/06/2016 07:13

It's selfish to spend that kind of money without including the whole family imo. I'd probably book a nice driving holiday around the vineyards if France- just so we could all enjoy the new car. Or maybe Italy apparently the parking is terrible.

It's hot there so you'd better buy some nice Peppa Pig sun shades for the kids in the back and take 10 days worth of flaky sausage rolls to feed the little cherubs....

Hirosleaftunnel · 03/06/2016 07:14

Haven't RTFT but I'm ok with this. Used to HATE DH driving my X3 MSport that I bought with MY money. He is a shit driver and I don't trust him.

Fenullafabulous · 03/06/2016 07:14

He won't be driving back from any parties or round any vineyards, that is when the OP's car will be useful.

Togaparties · 03/06/2016 07:15

Bearbehind not sure where on the planet you live but in the UK M3s start at £56k. By the time you've added some options I can't imagine there are many being delivered below £60k.

Also, to all the posters talking about driving other cars cover. Most polices which provide driving other cars cover specifically exclude cars owned by spouses.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 07:20

Sorry- I was thinking of an M Sport Blush

Snoringlittlemonkey · 03/06/2016 07:20

I'm going against the grain here but personally I wouldn't count a bonus as family money. As long as he contributes to the upkeep of the house and kids then what he chooses to do with his bonus is upto him. Personally I would pay a chunk off the mortgage or buy another BTL but that would be my choice. It's obviously not his choice.

I would put my DH on the insurance because of a 'just in case' need so he could drive it when I've had too many glasses of wine. But again just because I would doesn't mean he's necessarily wrong.

However he can't have it both ways. If you get money in the future that is a bonus/windfall then you should be able to spend it exactly as you like and have complete say over whose allowed to use it. Fairs fair.

WonkyCastle · 03/06/2016 07:23

I don't put up with it. There is a space where we can leave the car, if timed right, and it is mostly there. Otherwise, it stays where I can park it (restrictions are not day-long) until it is convenient for me to move it.

On a more serious note, H and I are separating. The car situation is one of the straws that broke the camels back. it isn't acceptable on any level, and not at all how we have lived our life before. He doesn't get to completely change the rules without any discussion, especially since they are not a complete change - only in his favour.

Stuff that.

Muskateersmummy · 03/06/2016 07:24

I'm a bit torn on this one. We don't have my money and yours, it's all joint but if you are a family that do then I do think things become mine or yours and he can then decided to keep somethings to be just his. If you have joint money, then really even bonuses should be at least discussed before spending. Dh and I always discuss what we are using bonuses for.

I wouldn't be annoyed at not being insured on his pride and joy, I don't think he's being sexist, just protective of his new toy. Dh would probably offer for me to be on it, but I wouldn't want to drive it. I wouldn't want to take the risk of damaging it. I'm not insured on dh's company car. It doesn't bother me other than I feel bad that dh does pretty much all the driving

Bearbehind · 03/06/2016 07:24

Fair play wonky, I couldn't live with shit like that either- good luck.

JennyOnAPlate · 03/06/2016 07:26

So he's spent a huge chunk of family money on a car which no one else in the family can use? That's really not on and would massively piss me off.

Mrsnoo72 · 03/06/2016 07:26

WonkyCastle, that's shocking. Sounds like he doesn't even much need a car and now there are 2 that YOU have to manage. Def agree that you shouldn't move the one on the street that he will let you drive and let him deal with the consequences instead of swanning off to work and not bothering his arse. And I kind of hope that the smirking builders ding his precious new toy Blush

My H very similar - expensive sporting hobby, fitbit and fancy fitbit wifi scales for his new diet this month - fuck's sake it's not rocket science just stop shoving crap in your mouth and hey presto, you'll get thinner clothes and nights out when he wants them. Any hew toy he likes the look of (not a car tho, admittedly). Not U you say - but seems it to me when I'm selling my clothes and buying my wardrobe on ebay cos I've no money (SAHM so no personal income and no access to "family" funds, despite years of blazing rows discussion re this state of affairs...)

Sorry - bit of a rant. Point being, OP is that I think there should have been a joint decision on a purchase of that cost. Doesn't show respect for the importance of you and the family IMO. I'd not have been happy...

Togaparties · 03/06/2016 07:27

Ah I see Bear that makes sense. I love it when people bang on about their 320d M-Sport or whatever. They somehow think a trim level turns their photocopier salesman's car into some kind of high performance monster.

WonkyCastle · 03/06/2016 07:28

There have been plenty of examples over the years, but in a much more minor way.

But, as a pp said, he has now come out 100% as a selfish, entitled walker, so there isn't any way forward.

We'll be fine, thanks. (And actually much better off - he'll have to hand over far more money to me in maintenance than he'd like - and he will do so as he isn't that much of a wanker and he will want to be he 'wronged' party, ie him not being able to afford new cars because of the amount he has to pay me etc)

Curiousmum69 · 03/06/2016 07:32

Just remind him in a divorce the car would be classed as an equal asset.

In (most) couples both people work hard either at work or in the home. I don't think top trumps of he has worked harder so deserves it is fair. Unless equal value is avalable for you to spend as you wish then he is being very unreasonable.

I very rarely drive DHs car. in fact I can't remember a time. But I'm still insured in case.

fabulous01 · 03/06/2016 07:34

I would be delighted. Passenger seat is more comfy

whattodowiththepoo · 03/06/2016 07:36

I wouldn't want someone who doesn't know the definition of sexist driving my car either, Yabu.