Son *thinks* he walks to school alone

[alwaysinamuddle]

My 6 year old son has been asking for 4 months if he can walk to school on his own. He's friends with a lot of older children who all do and he wants to join in.

During the week before half term I "agreed" for him to use his scooter and scoot "alone" as usually when I'm with him he's miles ahead of me anyway.
We live about 10 minutes from his school and he has to cross two main roads which are traffic-lighted, and one by his school which isn't. I told him he's not to cross that road unless other parents and children are crossing too. He carries a watch with him so he can check the time and decide which entrance to the school he would like to use. We've had many conversations about Road safety, stranger danger and the like.

Anyway, all of that is explanation to my question. When he thinks he's alone, I am actually following from a distance and he is always in my line of sight. He hasn't noticed me yet, and I'm able to let him build his independence while satisfying my protective instincts IYSWIM.

Yet, I had a phone call from the school telling me that DS is not to walk to school alone, and even when I explained, and even with other parents being able to confirm I had been watching they have told me it's a cause of concern for them and they would have to treat it as neglect and report it if I were to continue.

AIBU to think that there's nothing wrong which mine and DS setup and the school are being very OTT?

Lweji that's been my experience so far.

I wouldn't but my child got run over right in front of mr by a car that ran the red light. If that happened to your DS could you forgive yourself for not being there? I felt so guilty even though I'd been there, he was in front nearly over the other side when it happened. I make sure he holds my hand now and we don't go till we're sure all cars have stopped.

I was walking home with my brother when he was 6 and I was 8. It was a different world back then - one car per household, if that. Lollipop ladies all along the main road we had to cross. Our school was nearly 1.5 miles away! No way would I let my kids do that at that age!

I'm in a real minority here apparently OP but I think you are right. You are not indulging him, you are not abandoning him and you are not relying on other parents to make sure he crosses the road safely - the reason you are telling him not to cross unless other parents are crossing is that their crossing is a signal to him that it is safe.

What you are doing sounds so sensible and so diligent: giving your child a sense of independence and confidence while educating him as to things he needs to be aware of and making yourself comfortable that, lest we forget, he actually is safe because you are in fact watching him!

I find it SO SAD that busybody jobsworth school officials feel they need to beat any sense of independence out of children by making them, and their parents, so afraid of them venturing out on their own. God knows what they'd make of me letting my DCs (now 11 and 9 but having started last year) run wild through the woods into our local high street. And I can't see them at all - I give them a time limit by which they need to be home and tell them I will go looking for them (with dire consequences if I find them alive!), if they are not back by that time.

It's not a good one for a child that young to think he's unaccompanied.

Too young.

Even thinking he has Independence could cause him to not pay proper attention, even if it does take seconds to get to him, this could mean he has an accident.

I'm with the OP. You ARE with him, in a manner of speaking. It's up to you to determine when he's old enough. Nobody else.

I'm not sure what business of the school's it is to judge your parenting outside the school gates either. Have you explained the situation to the school?

I'd say YANBU depending where you live. Village/town probably safer than a city.

It's fine and I think the majority of posters on this forum are generally risk averse and over-protective.

A family member was hit by a car at 6 and left brain damaged. Yabu

I was thinking earlier on that it will hard on your son if you suddenly turn round and announce after he has, as far as he's concerned, done a sterling job of getting himself to school alone, that you're going to start escorting him again.
However, now I've seen that school has complained, at least you can blame it on them.
I do think 6 is too young to be going to school without an adult. The other kids might be older, but they're still kids and he's not their responsibility.

Last week I stopped a 12 year old from stepping in front of an ambulance gunning it around a corner with full blues and twos. He was looking at his phone, oblivious. I don't know him, DS recognized him from school, hence I know his age. It was chance I was there and stopped him. Clearly he should be old enough to go the park by himself, but it does remind you how quickly an accident can happen. Mine is 7 and holds my hand to cross the road. I carry his scooter. We walked home with some kids with scooters the other day and it gave me the horrors how far ahead they got and risk of knocking into other pedestrians.

Vixxface

A family member was hit by a car at 6 and left brain damaged. Yabu

Adults get run over as well...

Compared to many I've always let dd do things relatively earlier than peers. But in this case Yabu.

There's nothing wrong with telling a child or a teen they can't do something they want when they aren't capable. Dd was sensible enough to walk to school alone at 6. But she wasn't mature or big enough to deal with unexpected behavior from others, such as the dangerous driver, the van blocking the view of the road, the peadophile that's spotted she's alone everyday, the car reversing into her from a driveway etc. So I simply told her that it wasn't about her behaving, it's about everyone else. In the same way at 12 I wouldn't let her go to a big dance festival alone if she asked, and then follow her. I'd just tell her that although I trust her, she doesn't have the experience to deal with the bad behavior of some others that will be there.

When your ds wants to go to a bar at age 14 will you get him fake ID and follow him because you don't want to say no? You aren't teaching independence, just the opposite.

I walked to school at 6.

Something else to think about. Giving them early independence does not give them special powers.
There is a reason most schools stick with the yr5\6 & that is to do with brain development.
My eldest is beyond confident with what he does now ( 17) so much so - that other parents have told me l shouldn't "let him"
I didn't let him go to school by himself till he was older. It hasn't held him back, or stopped him from developing normally.
It was bit by bit. First the village then the town... then a fucking moped. Now a car - he took it 300+ miles away at the W/end.
It is stressful. However, l'm glad l kept him with me when he was tiny.
I believe he learnt from me, as we went.
Good luck with your decision.

Is he scooting / crossing the road with the bigger kids op?

I could get to him in seconds if anything were to happen.

But you can't get to him quickly enough to stop it from happening (which is relevant even if he knows you're there buy you're letting him scoot off way ahead of you). By not actually letting him be unsupervised I think you're answering your own question really. He's not old enough to know how to deal with unforseen circumstances and you're seriously underestimating how quickly something horrible could happen near those roads.

I am an incredibly lax parent by Mumsnet standards. But I believe in sticking to school rules. And I also don't think 6 year olds can cross roads safely.

And incidentally, I think you might well be making life very difficult for other parents who don't want their children walking alone.

I don't think a six year old needs to be feeling independent. Fact is he is a very young child and does not have the judgement required. You may feel he is under your supervision, but this isn't obvious to the school and frankly if you are yards behind him I don't see how you could prevent him from crossing the road in an unsafe manner from that distance. Maybe now is the time to tell your ds that he is six and that he is not allowed to go on his own until he is nine or ten or whenever. Most people would expect kids to be in year 5 really before they could be doing this journey alone. In some cases kids might be ready a bit earlier and some are not sensible enough aged 11 frankly. I think though that you made a mistake here.

dancingdinosaur yes, they all kind of hover and cross when they see families crossing, or are waved across by some kind souls.

The school are actually hiring a lollipop lady at some point (or intend to) for the road that has no traffic lights.

No sorry, YABU. I have a 7, 6 and 4 year old going to school. They have to be walked by me, they have to stay close enough to me that I can reach them. They are never ahead of me because it's just too dangerous.

By not actually letting him be unsupervised I think you're answering your own question really

This is what's odd: following him and being only 'seconds' behind him doesn't correlate with believing he's old enough/capable enough to travel to school alone. So really all that's happened is that DS has requested something and thinks he's been granted his wish, but in reality he hasn't. So what's the point?

Is it neglect? No. But 10 mins for a 6 yo...? And 3 streets? It's a bit much imo.

What about telling your DS he can scoot ahead but has to cross the road with you?

Six? YABU. Especially on a scooter - of foot would be marginally better, but I'd still not agree with a six year old walking to school alone (or even with a slightly older sibling).

I do believe he's mature and capable enough, but I feel more comfortable being able to see him and monitor in case I'm wrong for now.

There might be a compromise,how about walking him up to the school but letting him walk in alone.