AIBU or is my SIL?

[user1464715887]

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

All those players suggesting just one day a week morning drop-offs only, on her grounds that it would then be easy to say no - it is easy to say no!

And if the OP finds that impossible, her straight-talking DH has offered to deliver the news. How much easier could it be?

• posters

Definitely the right decision OP.

DD is in year 2 and has been doing a variety of after school things since year 1. She tried drama for two terms, football for a term, dance for a term, now does gymnastics (started doing an hour, then two hours, now an hour) and has just started swimming. All on different days after school but not all at the same time.

What I'm saying is, what if your DCs want to try things, stop them, try something else? You don't want your SIL's arrangements to dictate what your kids can and can't do after school.

By all means offer emergency help but be careful it doesn't become regular. Her school choice doesn't make you responsible for her childcare arrangements. All parents have to sort this out, it's what happens when you have children and shouldn't be a surprise!

Huge cheek for her to explain she can't afford childminder to do it so is asking you. Tell her you want a holiday in the Bahamas but can't afford it so you're asking her to foot the bill.

Would your dh have an idea about how to say no to her in a way she won't resent?

My husbands ex wife got into a similar situation agreeing to take and collect neighbours children to school one day a week in return for the neighbour taking children to school occasionally. My husband and his ex then divorced and didnt need the arrangement any longer but the neighbour did. It caused mayhem with his contact arrangements and impacted on the financial settlement because the ongoing arrangement
restricted his ability to work.

You never know the long term impact of such a casual agreement!

Remember that it's not you standing between your SIL sending her kids to the school near you. It's her choice not to pay for childcare that could also facilitate this. Don't let her guilt trip you!

Further to Purple's post ^, what happens when her^ children join a drama club, have swimming lessons etc. Who picks them up from school and takes them? It's unworkable in the short, medium and long term.

Whilst I agree that its a just No situation from the point of view of it is a bind if you want to do other things or activities for the kids, and she is a bit cheeky if she expects it for free given it restricts you from working and adds albeit a small expense to your household, these are her nieces and nephews and it is family and I think if it can be done it would be a great way for cousins to be close if you haven't either got big families. Personally I would perhaps be open to a paid arrangement between family members (you don't have to be registered childminders to do this) and this makes sure its on a formal footing and specific about how many days etc and also puts you on equal footing with other potential arrangements she could make. It then becomes less of a taking you for a mug situation and perhaps these monies could be put towards something specific that you wouldn't get otherwise. Just an alternate view

• his ex ability to work

Big commitment there.

Really, she needs to sort her own childcare. Not rely on you.

Don't agree! You'd be single-handedly funding/enabling them to have a two-income household whilst you only have a one-income household!

I would say no for the reasons you've given in your post as they are perfectly understandable Say your always happy to help in emergencys but don't want that kind of commitment x

I do think it's a bit cheeky for her to ask, unless you were a childminder and had free space but it does sound like you are a last resort and as the saying goes if you don't ask then you don't get!

Totally understand your reasons for saying no, especially as this has the potential to be a long term thing. I live close by my SIL and I regularly have her kids after school, and she takes mine sometimes too if we have to work late - the kids all love it, but it's not a permanent arrangement which I think is key.

Penfold you're welcome :)